Don's Practice Notes

Short Introduction

I started a 6 week online Mindfulness course in January and during the course learned more about Buddhism through books, podcasts, and Dharma talks. While listening to a Buddhist Geeks podcast interview of Daniel Ingram I realized that the Pragmatic / Hardcore Dharma movement was the direction that I wanted to move my practice towards and picked up a copy of MCTB and started to learn more.

I practice every day and am going to attend a 7 day and 10 day Vipassana retreat in the coming months. I decided it would be good to keep a journal of my practice until I reach stream entry.

*Note - I am posting these Practice Notes on both the DhO and KFDh forums.

30 min samatha

20 min walking

60 min vipassana - I was able to keep continuous noting of the six sense objects through most of the sit. Noted opening sensation at the top of my head and wave like energy which moved from the opening sensation into my head, pleasantness, expectation and waiting. Noted numbness in leg, unpleasantness, aversion, wanting to move, frustration and anger, which continued to cycle throughout the end of the sit.

Welcome to KFD!! Looks like you have some momentum already rolling. Keep it up, you will get some good advice here and over at DhO.

Ohh and nothing wrong with moving that leg or changing positions if it goes numb. Just be mindful about it. Numbness in leg, aversion, desire to move, moving...

"Welcome to KFD!! Looks like you have some momentum already rolling. Keep it up, you will get some good advice here and over at DhO.

Ohh and nothing wrong with moving that leg or changing positions if it goes numb. Just be mindful about it. Numbness in leg, aversion, desire to move, moving... "

Thanks for the welcome and the great advice Aquanin! I will remember it for future sits. Your advice will probably be really helpful when I go to my first retreats because my legs usually go numb during sits.

14 min body scan

30 min samatha

20 min walking

19 min no self meditation ( www.tricycle.com/feature/everyday-meditation ) - this was free when I first downloaded it but now you have to be a tricycle member to download. Pretty good 3 part meditation where first you try to locate the self by hearing and trying to find the hearer, next is a body scan where you make the distinction between sensations versus concepts of body parts, and the last part where you wait for a thought to arise and notice what happens when you catch the beginning of the thought.

60 min vipassana - noted tight solid pressure sensation in chest area, unpleasantness, aversion, wanting to move or change the way I was breathing to make the sensation go away. Pressure was about the size of large fist and the intensity of the pressure would grow stronger then weaker throughout the sit. Noted numbness in leg and foot, unpleasantness, aversion, and I noted and stayed with the sensations until it got really strong and I mindfully adjusted. Noted rapid flickering strobe like points of unpleasant sensation in the numb foot. Leg and foot became really numb so I tried to adjust again and found that I couldn't move it because my leg had fallen asleep. Stayed with the numbness until it became unbearable then I stretched my legs out and switched leg positions. Noted solid ache in mid back area that lasted until the end of the sit. Today's sit was torture. I kept waiting for the alarm to go off and the 60 minutes seemed like forever.

17 min body scan

30 min samatha - attention was all over the place. Realized that I was trying to be mindful of the breath for the entire 30 minutes instead of just one breath at a time. I relaxed and settled into each breath.

20 min walking

60 min vipassana - noted hearing, unpleasantness, aversion, frustration, irritation, and anger. Loud noises from the renovation going on in an apartment nearby throughout the sit, which led me to become irritated with all sounds, even birds chirping. Noted pleasant swirling sensations in the top of the head along with images of a black skinned demon sticking it's red tongue into my crown area and a blue skinned being blowing air into and fingering the crown area, which I noted as seeing seeing until they both disappeared. Thoughts of wondering if I made those images appear in order to make my posts sound more interesting, which I noted as analyzing. Whenever I noted anything that wasn't a sensation I tried to focus on the sensations in my body that went along with the concept or image. Noted boredom, waiting, wanting to check the timer, how long will it take for awakening.

45 min body scan

30 min samatha

20 min walking

60 min vipassana '“ At the beginning of the sit my mind was quiet and focused. Noted the rise and fall of the breath. Noted tightness and pressure in the chest area and I focused on the sensations. What happened next is kind of hard to describe '“ noted pressure and warmth in forehead and crown area and saw faint white lights. Suddenly I felt a ball of energy hit against and into my forehead area. The impact wasn't hard but it did startle me and I moved backwards. I felt electric like vibrations coursing through my body, unpleasant sensations. Tried to keep noting during this but it was hard because there was a lot going on so I just stayed as mindful as possible with the dominant sensations. After a while this faded and the tightness and pressure in the chest area came back. I started to have a dull pain in my left upper chest area and noted the thought 'you're having a heart attack' which brought up some fear. Those thoughts and fears kept cycling until I changed posture and massaged the chest area, noting touching, touching. Throughout the sit I tried to focus on sensations throughout the body that were pulsing and flickering and pay attention to when the sensation vanished, noting 'gone' when it did (Shinzen Young tip).

You have great detailed notes here. Have you crossed the A&P before? Some of that lights, energy stuff sounds very A&P like, but its hard to tell. Almost sounds like 3C's to glimpse of A&P then downshift back to 3C's, but don't take my word for it. You are doing great!

Hi Russell,

Thanks for the encouragement! While doing the 6 week online Mindfulness course I started to have A & P like experiences and I told my instructors about it and they told me to keep practicing as usual. I had the same kind of experiences as described above: white lights, lots of massage-like sensations on the top of my head, pressure and a pulling sensation in my forehead / 3rd eye area that pulled my attention toward it. They're trippy but nothing really special, in that afterwards I don't feel like anything has changed. I've had more intense experiences in the past while experimenting with other things. Your diagnosis sounds spot on according to the maps and that's where I think I am as well, but I'm trying not to obsess too much about the maps. I see that wondering where one is on the maps can cause a lot of frustration and confusion. I watched a video by Shinzen Young that talked about the pros and cons of maps and it changed my view of things. My aim is to stick with one technique and practice every day until I reach the goal. When I discovered Vipassana meditation it felt like a homecoming so I feel lucky that Vipassana was my intro to Buddhist meditation.

I'm not sure if you believe in the devas but when I heard this passage I thought it was pretty cool and inspiring:

"Whenever devas notice people engaged in cultivating the ... requisites of enlightenment they rejoice saying, "A noble disciple is doing battle with Māra." When the devas see that someone on the human plane has become fully awakened, they declare: "A noble disciple has won the battle. He was in the forefront of the fight and now dwells victorious." - from "Teacher of the Devas" by Susan Elbaum Jootla.

Great attitude! Just keep doing what you are doing and things will unfold. Knowing the maps is helpful, stressing about them, not so much.

14 min body scan

30 min samatha - concentration was good today. Stayed with the breath through most of the sit.

20 min walking

60 min vipassana - focused on the rising and falling of breath as an anchor. Used Daniel Ingram's 'beep' label to note sensations that I had no labels for. Noted rapid fire points of sensations all over my body, which I noted as 'beep gone beep gone beep gone,' while simultaneously following other sensations without noting. It seems as if my mindfulness has gotten more precise after following the instructions and suggestions of Pragmatic / Hardcore Dharma practitioners. I expanded my field of awareness to be able to keep track of and note more sensations.

In my mind's eye all was black then there was a bright white camera flash-like light that went off twice in the 3rd eye area that lit up my interior while waves of tranquilizer-like energy moved from my head throughout my body. It was pleasurable but slowly faded away. At the end of the sit lots of random thoughts and images and scenarios playing in my mind. Noted expecting, waiting, boredom, impatience, wanting the sit to end, imagining I heard the alarm go off a couple of times.

Note: Before I went to sleep last night I was lying in my bed and got a spontaneous rush of pleasurable energy that spread in waves throughout my body. I've been getting more of these the longer I practice Vipassana.

30 min samatha

20 min walking

60 min vipassana '“ read Rohan Gunatillake's article 'Check Your Attitude, Release Your Practice' and read some of Sayadaw U Tejaniya's writings and listened to some of his Dharma talks and thought I'd experiment with what I learned. Only used noting to keep my mindfulness strong but dropped the noting at points in the sit where it felt better to just observe and experience the objects. Practice felt more natural doing it this way, and I tried to maintain the right amount of effort without it turning into tense striving. Noticed that sensations felt like Morse code. Noticed mind states of receptivity, acceptance, patience, and non-resistance. When I noted different states of mind I brought awareness to the felt sensations in the body. Noticed pressure building in the head area that appeared cloudlike with a faint white and goldish color. Sit felt timeless, and I wasn't waiting for the alarm to go off as usual. Reminded myself to become aware and let go of any attachments to good sits.

45 min vipassana - group sitting at local buddhist temple. spaced out during most of sit. tried to do more meditation at home but kept falling asleep. tired and going to bed.

60 min samatha

20 min walking

60 min vipassana - awareness of sensations as before. Noted doubt, aversion, desire and as these emotions came up I immediately went to observe the bodily sensations that came with these emotions. Doubt about my practice was strong in this sit.

In my experience doubt is the worst of the hindrances. It's derailed my practice many a time. The tricky thing about doubt is that it presents itself as something useful that's trying to protect you and it's subtle too. One moment you're fine and feeling good, the next, you're washed away in a wave of uneasiness and zero confidence.

However, the great thing about doubt is that, of the 5 hindrances, it's the only one you can use against itself. You can't apply desire against desire or ill-will against ill-will, but you can doubt the doubting mind. The trick for me was to get to know/see/feel doubt really well. Learn to hear it's distinctive voice and then doubt it. If you try this you might notice how absurd the doubting mind really is. All in all, you're noting it which is great!

BTW, great reporting!

"However, the great thing about doubt is that, of the 5 hindrances, it's the only one you can use against itself. "

Alvaro, I like the way you put that.
I call it 'When doubt arises, I know i'm doing it right!'

Thanks AlvaroMDF and Yadid for the great advice I really appreciate it. I am grateful to this Sangha of Pragmatic / Hardcore Dharma practitioners who learn from and support each other and believe that Enlightenment is possible in this lifetime. This is the most motivating and inspirational place to be.

After the group meditation I went to on Sunday the meditation teacher gave a talk about how he recently learned that he needed to balance effort with relaxation, and that he was striving too hard because of his intense desire for Enlightenment. A woman in the group asked him, "You really believed you could become Enlightened?" As if the idea of becoming Enlightened was absurd. I verified first hand that most practitioners don't even believe Enlightenment is possible. It was a wake up call for me and now I understand why Daniel and Kenneth go on ranting about this stuff and I am humbled, grateful and lucky to have come across this movement early on in my practice! The years of practice I imagine have been saved for us by believing Enlightenment is possible is valuable beyond measure.

60 min sit '“ wanted to just sit today instead of samatha practice. I tried to observe whatever happened while just sitting. Noticed how the mind is trained now to be aware of what I'm usually aware of during vipassana. I just observed the mind doing its thing. Very relaxing. At one point it felt like I was floating in space, a vast palpable darkness. I tried to extend my awareness outwards in all directions to see if there were any boundaries and my awareness could only go out to a certain point. Observed a strange-colored Rorschach like blob appear that was moving around with the darkness as background. Noted feelings of anticipation, peace, curiosity, and seeking and felt the sensations of the feelings.

20 min waking '“ noted boredom.

60 min vipassana '“ tried noting out loud for the first time. Alternated between regular noting and noting out loud. Noting out loud heightened my awareness of sensations that were neutral, which were many. The usual on / off, rapid fire, Morse code like experience of sensations throughout the body. Noted unpleasant pressure in chest area again and tried to break up the solid sense of pressure into smaller parts and was able to observe at times how the pressure was made up of wavelike movements. Noted strong pressure in forehead and top of the head that switched back and forth from pleasant to unpleasant. Both the pressure in the head and chest area became very intense at the same time and awareness took in both objects. It felt like my head and chest were about to implode or explode. I noted anticipation, frustration, aversion, and detachment. Lately I am noticing a buzzy wavelike pleasurable sensation and pressure in the head and forehead area that moves and swirls around throughout the day.

Hi Don, don't mean to derail your practice thread by going off topic, but I have to address what you said in entry 16. In my area, there are three sanghas where discussion of awakening is discouraged. One teacher I know insisted that developing compassion was a more noble goal than awakening. I also heard another teacher say that no one should ever use the word enlightenment at his center. Now I agree that the cultivation of boundless compassion is a wonderful goal. However, it's a terrible irony that the release from suffering through liberation, which is the promise of the Buddha, is considered a subject unworthy of mention within a Buddhadharma sangha!

I don't know how big your sangha is, but perhaps there are a few folks there who are open to the things we discuss here. Best of luck.

Yadid, thanks for the feedback!

Thanks for your reply Alvaro.

60 min samatha - I was really focused and was able to keep attention on the breath without any distractions. I watched a faint light descend from the top of my head to the middle of my head and a warm pleasurable energy moved from my head throughout my body. This light / energy in my head area felt like it was pulling me in. I decided to experiment and brought my attention to the light / energy and once I was in it gently tried to expand it. This was very pleasurable and feelings of happiness were strong. I could've stayed like that for a while but the alarm went off.

60 min vipassana - Morse code sensations again. That same energy was in the head area but without the light. Tried to note sensations, feelings, and states of mind. Noted pressure-pleasant-relaxation. It became hard to note while the energy started to pull me in and I stayed in that energy for a while. When I came out of it I noted expectation, impatience, frustration, and confusion. All of the sensations became too much to handle all at once and I ended up reaching for the alarm to see how much longer I had to sit and the alarm went off.