Adam L's Practice Journal

I sat like a stone for 40ish minutes. I could get very descriptive of the state but it would largely be an exercise in tedium. It was like my awareness became fairly open and wide, with clear outer boundaries that seemed to extend all the way around and behind me (very three dimensional whereas previous awareness seemed pretty focused or concentrated in single points in space). This awareness was something I felt like I could "aim" in an amorphous three dimensional "blob" of concentration (hmmm?) if I chose, or I could just sit (and bask) in a wide feeling of open awareness. It was also noted that I could "leave" (move?) the point in my head that I normally associate as the "me" perceiving and examine the very clearly defined outline of my body in space, but this was far less interesting/compelling than just remaining open. Very nice. Very peaceful. I came out feeling ... nice and peaceful, which was a fairly stark contrast from how I went in.

Going to try to catch another 30-60 minutes of formal practice this afternoon that I probably won't be able to journal until tomorrow. Then I'm off to jiu jitsu training for a few hours where I plan to destroy myself physically in an attempt to let go of any residual nervous tension (though, I must say that I'm feeling remarkably at ease after my formal sits...it's not until late night/early next day that things get wonky again).

Late afternoon sit: Very even, nothing remarkable. Just well-focused noting.

Formal sitting practice (~1 hr) was subtly rich but lacked all dramatics of the preceding months of practice sessions. Concentration is continuing to improve and there has been a shift in "tone" from trying to direct awareness to simply exploring and investigating the experience that is arising and passing. There is a quality of surrender to this 'style' or MO of practice that is not only peaceful, but makes more accessible the qualities of expansion and contraction in the experience. This naturally lends one to be able to quickly identify the various bits of tension one is carrying into practice. Introduced the question "what is aware of this experience' into my practice, both into formal and 'daily life' practices...

ONE ADDITION THING AND SOME QUESTIONS

I forgot to mention in my last entry some strange phenomena that occurred. About halfway through my formal practice session, I was "allowing" my awareness (I use this term loosely, I'm not entirely convinced I "allow" anything to happen when it comes to awareness/experience) to drift between various daydreams and watching the associated thoughts arise and pass, at which at some point in time my experience just blanked out for a fraction of a second, sort of like the inverse of a camera aperture on a slow shutter speed. All sensations went "blank" for a brief instant. I don't think this could have been a fruition because I didn't feel any paradigm shift afterward. Can anyone comment on what this might have been? Is it even relevant? Was it just one of various tricks of the consciousness? It only happened once during the session but was mildly intriguing. I vaguely remember reading something in MCTB that may be related to formations? but I am a laymen when it comes to the theory and don't recall the specifics?

Early morning formal sitting practice (~50 mins). Spent a few minutes establishing concentration, them moved to some formal noting. Dropped noting after 15 mins or to observe the movement of awareness. During this time I continued asking the question "what is it that is aware of this experience?" It seems that the effects of asking this question include a inclination for my "eyes"(?) or perhaps visual/imagery 'thing' to want to roll back into my head and neck. Also there is a very subtle tension in my forehead. Upon releasing this tension, the tension immediately (e.g. within a fraction of a second) returns upon which it is "release" again. This cycle continues as long as I incline my awareness to it, and "feels" physically like a tension that's oscillating back and forth like a wave in my forehead area...hmmm. My formal sits continue to include periods of relaxed and open peaceful state of being.

Evening formal sitting practice (~30 mins): about the same as morning, only shorter.

Formal sitting practice (~50 mins). Continued noting practice, dropping into a state of observing experience without explicitly labeling sensations. Sensations have been experienced as a very clear vibratory composition, even during "normal" daily activities. Despite being very busy with circumstances that would otherwise be deemed "stressful", the emotional tone of my experience continues to be largely dominated by an open state of peacefulness. The separation of the experience of formal seated practice versus daily life practice seems to be shrinking. Not sure if it's just my obsessive character bend, but all (well, most ) things seem to correspond to insight practice now. Again, not sure if it's my obsessive character bend, but my mind is now constantly checking in on trying to pin down exactly what it is that is "being" aware of the experience.

Early morning formal sitting practice (~45 mins). First half of the practice could be described as a maintenance phase. This seemed necessary to establish adequate concentration to really get down to business. Very subtle phenomena (e.g. thoughts and "feelings") are becoming much easier to observe.

Evening formal sitting practice (~40 mins) was very similar to this mornings with a 'shorter' ramp up to time sufficient concentration to watching things arising and passing. I have nothing really to add other than the observation that "getting out of my own way" by just allowing the experience to unfold has been an invaluable lesson. Nikolai's article "Riding the Wave" ( thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2011/...ent-riding-wave.html ) finally makes sense at a level greater than a simple intellectual resonance. I'm unsure of the actual mechanics involved, but in my practice the process of *simply and just* allowing experience to unfold, seems to be somehow related to "letting go"...the mechanics of how one "lets go" may not end up being very valuable in terms of actual insight (though undoubtedly interesting) but knowing how, at a minimum, may help iron out the small kinks (inefficiencies).

Morning sitting practice (~1 hr). Concentration established quickly and spent a nice majority of this time noting and noticing while a very absorbed state. My thoughts have been inclined at exploring what makes it "no self" and "empty". Awareness also seems "interested" in body composition. At times during my sits it seems that the outline of my body is well defined and "solid". During most recent formal practice session, the body seems to be distinctly made of discrete vibrations or sort of like pulses of "static". I was a bit disappointed when my timer jolted me out of this state where I felt like I was really zeroing in on something profound, but I knew better than to chase after it...

Evening sitting practice (30 mins). Previously "easy to establish" concentration was non-existent during this session. Nothing of note to journal other than weak concentration and *lots* of planning type thoughts.

Afternoon sitting practice (~1 hr). Ah, just when things were beginning to make sense, practice changes once again into an unpredictable "beast". I don't even really know how to document things. Concentration seems trickier to establish some how, but also not. Letting go seems more difficult some how, but also not. Absorbed states from which I have been practicing seem somehow shallow, but also deeper than they were before. Practice experiences lately often seem paradoxical (but also not haha)...

[Hesitantly adding that:] I think it's possible that I experienced a fruition last week (last Sunday afternoon, to be precise), but it's yet to happen again (that I've noticed, anyway), but I also feel like I'm experiencing/traversing a lot of the same (insight) territory used to dominate my practice sessions early on (only from a slightly altered paradigm from before). Though, since I've not noticed another "blank out" moment, I remain fairly skeptical that this was, in fact, a fruition. Perhaps I've regressed from Equanimity to dark night territory again (though the place I'm "mentally" is very different than before, these dark night-y type emotions/feelings are mostly "interesting", as opposed to paralyzing). Perhaps I am far further behind in progress than I thought. I don't suppose it doesn't really matter, though I have to remind myself of that in order for "map obsession" not to become a major obstacle during practice (formal or otherwise). It's strange though, much about my experience feels somehow (subtly but markedly) different, but also the same (haha, ok, I promise I'm done with these...for now )

Short evening practice, prone (~25 mins). A bit more of the same.

Morning practice (~45 mins). Began to enter "familiar" territory more akin to the general formal practice experience trend of ~2 weeks ago. This session was marked by culminating physical and mental tension (an overall feeling of deepening contraction) for the first ~90%. The remainder of the session was marked by a release of this tension/contraction, into a state where things (physical and mental sensations) open up and feel tranquil and expansive.

Evening practice (~45 mins). Ahhhhhhhhh (haha). Deeply absorbed and peaceful session. The vibrations/pulses that make up sensory phenomena are subtle but back and, and growing more obvious. The end of this session (literally, in perhaps the last second before my timer went off) I had another moment where all things "blank out" for the tiniest amount of time (maybe???...time didn't really seem to register...but my mind wants to fill in the blank with a sub-second time span), similar to what happened last during a formal practice session Sunday. This experience, like many others I'm ...umm...experiencing... is fairly subtle, lacking all dramatics other than "huh, wonder what that was?". Like the last time, it seemed to correspond to a period of time where my mind was "drifting" between dreamy thoughts.

I "felt" particularly buoyant and "good" the rest of the day...but this could be indicative of nothing other more than a great and relatively stress-free day with good practice sessions

Morning practice session (~40 mins). Simply put, I couldn't sit. My body felt wretched and ... ummm.... best way I can explain is "blobby" and uncomfortable. Laid down and felt a little better. Quickly entered a dreamy and trance-like absorbed state that was a bit uncomfortable because of it's intensity. Breathing was punctuated by vibratory sensations, sort of like I was perceiving every individual sensation that made up the breath. Also, at the end of almost every out-breath was a strange full body/mind pulse-like sensation (similar to the "blank" out sensation I've described a couple times, but not identical). I think I fell asleep about 30 mins into the session.

Evening session (~20 mins). Not uncomfortable like morning session, but not comfortable either. This time, however, it was easier to enter the "letting go"/expansive mode I've been trying to explore/cultivate. After a short time, I was able to note/notice sensations from a deeply peaceful/equanimous state of being. A high-frequency flickering/vibration seemed to accompany tactile sense awareness. Same for auditory sensations, but that may have been a trick of the high frequency fan noise that was operating nearby.

Morning formal sitting practice (~45 mins). Practice began with strong concentration that was likely cultivated and "held through" from an earlier practice session (if that's possible...regardless, a relatively strong sense of concentration was remarkably easy/quick to establish. Awareness seemed "parked" in a state of loosely absorbed peace, equanimity, and feelings of expansion. Tactile senses were clear and somehow harmonious in "tone", sounds were clear but a bit vibratory and somehow also harmonious in tone, eyes were closed but imagery akin to being a dim glowing light (among other various bits of mental imagery). About 10 mins into this session, a subtle "blank out" happened again and the tone shifted (almost immediately) to a state of mildly absorbed awe (A&P?). Over the remaining 30 mins or so, the experience transitioned (a few distinct times) to something akin to my original sense of equanimous peace.

Also, did semi-"formal" practice for the majority of my long commute today (1 hr, each way by bus/train). Focused on establishing adequate concentration, to noting, then, once I felt like I was tuned in and mental "chatter" was minimal, (i.e. this corresponds to when the vibrations/sensory flickers become more obvious) to a mode of "raw experiencing". What's notable, I suppose, is that this MO is becoming more and more like my day-in, day-out experience. I may have said it before, but the gap between "practice" and "life" seems to be narrowing more and more every day, to the point where it's beginning to feel non-existent.

Side Note: "My relationship to" or "the paradigm of" practice clearly has changed somehow in the past few weeks. Reporting on the experiences in both formal sitting practice sessions or daily life "practice" seems a bit trite. There is so much noticed/happening and the velocity at which the experience is both occurring and accelerating (changing...both positive and negative acceleration) is very easily too much to accurately journal. As such, I've been trying to give a general tone of the way the experience unfolds, but this even seems to miss the mark.

Can anyone offer advice as to how I can continue to journal this experience in a meaningful and helpful (to mine own practice, or ?others) way?

Formal sitting practice (~55 mins). Mixing today's practice up a bit by starting with establishing deeper levels of concentration before moving to insight techniques. As expected this session took on a much more "samatha"-esque quality to it than my usual sitting MO. Spent approximately 20-30 minutes establishing concentration by poignant focus of breath-related sensations occurring at or near my nostrils. Not "letting" my awareness drift to peripheral sensory phenomena was difficult at first, but once the concentration "locked in" it became more-or-less effortless, needing only minor corrections when small drifting occurred. It's been several weeks since the last time I practiced purely samatha technique and it was interesting to see how much stronger my concentration was than the last time. ... ... Trying to recall accurate details of today's (and yesterday's) practice sessions is difficult...I think I'll refrain from adding anything else to avoid possibility of fabrication.

Side Note: Tension levels today seem much more elevated than the recent usual and while I wouldn't say I am experiencing high levels of emotional anxiety, I will say that I'm experiencing a lot of the same physiological effects that accompany a traditional (very) mild panic attack (e.g. elevated heart rate/bp, tightness in breath, flighty though patterns, etc). In other words, much of this morning has been like a panic attack without the emotional component. Whatever is the cause of this tension, it seems to somehow be related to feelings of either aversion or grasping. These sensations (akin to fear) that are dominant today (and at a few other times at varying intervals over the past few weeks) while not as "gripping" as they were several weeks ago, are still strong enough to be noticeable...I'm at a loss for a more descriptive version of this experience as I think I'm still sorting it out. My shoulder injury has forced me to take a week off of intense training, maybe it's somehow related to a lack of physical exertion...

"Side Note: "My relationship to" or "the paradigm of" practice clearly has changed somehow in the past few weeks. Reporting on the experiences in both formal sitting practice sessions or daily life "practice" seems a bit trite. There is so much noticed/happening and the velocity at which the experience is both occurring and accelerating (changing...both positive and negative acceleration) is very easily too much to accurately journal. As such, I've been trying to give a general tone of the way the experience unfolds, but this even seems to miss the mark.

Can anyone offer advice as to how I can continue to journal this experience in a meaningful and helpful (to mine own practice, or ?others) way?"


I, too, used to try to describe most of my experiences. Once I started to get a significant amount of off-cushion practice going, it became a real drain on my time to write detailed notes. Mostly, it turned out not to be terribly useful for me. I also recently went through a phase where I had little urge to write for others. I kept a personal log, but didn't share it.

I often experience a lot of subtle stuff, and so pretty much anything I write about that will manage to miss the mark. Additionally, it's also difficult to predict what someone else may or may not find useful. Keeping this in mind, I try to put in "big" events, things that seemed important at the time, the general flow of the sessions during a week, and goals from time to time. Sometimes I'll put in how much and what I practice, and other times, I'll just excerpt particular sessions. Right now, I'm experimenting, but I keep thinking, "Will anyone really care about this entry in six months? a year? Will I care?"

You might consider investigating why you want to continue journaling. What lies behind the desire for it to be meaningful and helpful for others? Why is it so important to keep writing?

What I find valuable about journalling here is the interactions with others--I'm surprised more people haven't responded to your posts here, but maybe if you comment on other people's threads as well you'll get more of a dialogue started. I myself should have said hi to you long ago.

I haven't felt particularly qualified to address any of the questions you've posed, which I why I've been just a lurker on your thread so far. For example, I don't know what to say about that sense of dropoff in past 27, and I can't tell from reading this where you might be on the map. Does your teacher have anything to say?

Anyway, hi, and please don't give up on us. I find my own posts are useful to me sometimes when I need to go back and see what I was doing at some earlier point, just to orient myself. But then there've been times when I haven't wanted to say much.

Hello!

Thanks for commenting! I should probably participate more, but mostly feel thoroughly unqualified to have much to add to most discussions. Lately, I've been just soaking it up

My teacher gave me some great perspective on many of my observations. When I feel I have a better handle on what's going on, I'll definitely share.

I appreciate your reply. It has felt a bit lonely on this thing (haha, just kidding ). I'm actually a bit surprised anyone is reading my nonsense...

-adam