Jack's push to stream entry

I push very hard through the A&P stage during the last 3 months. My experience was very typical. I had spasms, muscular tensions, head raptures and lights. Long meditation session would enable me to free myself from those tension and a few weeks ago I would find myself in what I associate to dissolution at the end of every days. I would feel very heavy and calsm with no wish to move.

Last weeks, things started to move swiftly. I was a bit manic with lot of energy and would be able to sleep very little. I would feel the change happening in my brain by paying attention so strongly. I started to experience very intense fear and have typical dissolution experiences.

I finally had a stronger A&P event at the end of the week. All the tension and anxiety went away for good. The side effects of dissolution started to be more obvious. I would be distracted, lost in thoughts. Work was very challenging.

Yesterday things were quite awful. I started to experience tension in my body again and my attention was still crap. I decided to leave early to practice and get myself out of this hole. The feeling of being disgusted by everything was obvious and my facial expression was that of a tourmented man.

I practiced maybe 1 hour, sitting and lying, found my self feeling very sleepy, and sleep for a while still feeling quite tourmented. When I found the courage to get back to reality, I practice a while and things improved dramatically.

I found myself it was I believe is equanimity. It feels like the A&P stage without all the tension. After about 1 hour of practice, I found myself in this very calm state where everything feel fine and there is very little thoughts. It's similar to the couch-potato feeling of dissolution but without the heaviness. It's the difference between "no need to move" vs "no wish to move". Tai Chi practionner vs a human statue. Is that was you call high equanimity?

Hey, welcome to KFD. Can you describe the timeline in more detail on all of this? And how long you have been practicing, etc... What type of practice? noting?

I'm 34. Got Diagnosed with ADHD in 2004. Have been more or less in some kind of depression for all my adult life. Developed severe anxiety in the last few years with strong physical tension. Started using Lyrica 18 months ago to ease the tension. Figured out that the path was the way to go soon after that. Sold everything 1 year ago to go to SE Asia for 6 months hoping to get my life back.

August: First retreat in the Mahasi tradition. Strong resolution but I drive myself crazy after 7 days and leave.

September: I start doing noting constantly during my daily life in order to get some sanity.

October: 2nd retreat. Develop severe full-body spams after 5 days. Experience some peace of mind soon after that, something I didn't experience since my childhood. Become very irritable after 13 days and leave. Spasms come back off-retreat.

November: 3rd retreat. I do some progress but again I hit a wall after 10 days.

December: Start Wellbutrin which raise my dopamine level and help me control my thoughts. Come back to Canada. I almost abandon practice until March.

March: A mushroom trip lift my depression for a few weeks and help me figure out how to align the act of paying attention with morality (I consider this to be the insight of what is path and not path).

March until May: I'm resolved to pay attention to each moment in every activities I do. My formal practice is 1-2 hours per day. A lot of tension and involontary mouvements, head rapture, lights. Had this point I rarely do explicit noting since my attention is very strong. My practice is mainly trying to pay attention to whatever arise. I focus on one specific object or do explicit noting only when necessary.

Then last week things shifted. Tension went away I stopped using Lyrica. Attention became crap. Lots of confusion until last night.

Today I had a lots of energy and I would feel pretty much the same way I used to feel during the A&P stage (assuming I diagnose myself right). The difference is that in the A&P stage I would start in the morning with some tensions and would free those tension during the day. Today was the opposite. It's hard to control my thoughts and I ended up developing tension during the day. In the A&P, if I was to stop paying attention for only one moment I would pay the price right away (tension). This time, the alarm bell doesn't ring as soon. My mind is going too fast, in a similar fashion of my manic phase of last week (and all the manic phase of my life...) Also, I feel like doing energetic activities, something I didn't feel like doing in a long time. I used to stay away of those since I had to work so hard to pay attention.

On the other hand, I just need to close my eyes a few seconds to quiet my mind and it's easy to meditate. So it's somewhat the opposite of the A&P stage. In the A&P, I would be more in control during normal activities but I would have to put more effort during formal practices. Of course, it's only been one day so this is only a preliminary report...

Yesterday morning and this morning and woke up in the A&P. It take me about 1-3 hours to get to Equanimity. At least, now I know how to pass through the dark nights and keep the agony relatively short. I pay attention to each tension that develop and relax them. If the agony isn't too bad, I can do it in sitting meditation in less time. If not, it's a combination of lying meditation and fetal position...

Then I spend a two hours sitting increasing my attention to every vibrations that arise. I tried most tricks suggested by Nick (Tips for stream entry). Paying attention to tension in my brain give interesting results. When I get to the limit of this trick, I come back to non-directed attention.

It feel like there is no limit to how long I could sit in that state but at some point I feel like I no longer make any progress and my attention drop down.

Off the cushion I tend to forget to note while in equanimity. Things feel a bit too normal to my taste. There is nothing in the air to remind me to note. I will try to note aloud but it's not always practical.

I'm quite happy with my progress. I spent most of the last 3 weeks in equanimity. I don't always wake up in equanimity but it doesn't take me too long to get there. My concentration is very strong. I try to use Nick's tips ( kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Coll...+to+get+stream+entry )

It get very tense in the middle of my brain. I try to relax the area but the tension just move somewhere else in the brain. I will have to follow Nikolai advice and be patient.

Welcome! Keep punching the clock and rolling the dice and you'll get it!