JYET's practice journal

Hi everyone,

I'm a 30 year old yogi from Sweden who have been at this seeking/meditation thing seriously for about 4,5 years. Mostly energetic practices and attempts at self inquiry. Have been a lurker here for probably 2 years so it feels like I kind of know some of you already. Thanks for all the straight forward discussion!

I finally decided that learning noting and start with the progress of insight would be a good idea. Seems like the non-dual practices become so much easier for everyone who has went through it.

In the buddhist tradition I've done two Goenka retreats and this years month long with Leigh Brasington. He's a great guy by the way, one of his dharma talks was on the Visudhimagga Map and he doesn't try to get you to practice one specific vipassana technique. Can really recommend going on retreat with him. Attained Jhana 1-7 on that retreat.

At the end of june I'm going on a 2 weeks Mahashi in Dammacari Germany. Saw that place recommended on DhO. Have made a resolution, inspired by Nick's Hamilton post about how get stream entry at Goenka, to practice 4 h a day until then. Been doing that for 5 days know and it really makes a difference to my normal 1-2 h, the jhanas have gotten deeper.

On saturday I had my first talk with Ron and he taught me the noting technique. Have been doing that 50/50 since then with the jhanas. Sometimes doing them first and sometimes just start the noting straight away. Some interesting things have occurred in both samatha and vipassana.

Samatha: increased 'absorption' the the states are more clearly defined. Especially happy with the 5th where I've had a bit difficulty expanding the space properly coming out of retreat. Now I'm clearly sitting in space. Also the seven is much more easy to stay in. Even experience something after it that might be 8th. But I want to experiment and reproduce it more before I try to describe it. Also been trying something else I heard in a Hamilton Podcast. To simply resolve for the jhana to deepen then just release that intention without effort and just know it will happen. Seems to work fine as long as I doesn't have unreasonable expectations of how deep I want to go.

Vipassana: Have trouble to note the thoughts seem to acknowledge them after they have past. When I've tried to note thoughts only they simply doesn't seem to arise. Similarly do not note a lot of emotions unless they are strong. Overall however the emotional states have been kind of meh. Resistance to practice and agitation, disgust and some nausea, all mostly focused around a contraction in the belly.So what I note is mostly physical sensations and vedana. Have also started to experience kriyas. The body starts to rock back and forth, swaying like the spine was a snake and sometimes doing sufi circles. Find this quite amusing Also lots of intense third eye activity some times going up to crown. A noting resume might look something like this.

Pressure, tingeling, heaviness, contraction, pain, agitation, rocking, swaying, pain, pressure, tingeling, stuckness, pain, nausea, hearing, spinning, pressure, tingeling, electric vibrations,

However in the last sit today something different happened. Suddenly I felt sukkha arising centered around the heart. Felt very enthusiastic and started singing the notes ha ha. This positive mind states has been with me all evening. Giving me energy to write this, for me, long post. Something I've been postponing a few days.

Looking forward to share my practice here.

Metta Erik

Hejsan Erik, och välkommen!

Hej PEJN,

Tack så mycket! Kul med en landsman! One who has done some progress as well If I remember correctly from your log.

Godnatt nu blir det kudden

Laying in bed before going to sleep yesterday suddenly strong concentration crept in on me. It came out of nowhere and the visual field got distorted like if space now had an observable quality to it. Closet thing is that it resembled lit up fog. Along with this came a sense of fear and the mind made a story of that evil spirits was coming and showing themselves to me. Was similar to when I was a kid and was scared of what might hide in the dark. It wasn't stronger than that I turned around in bed and soon fell to sleep however.

4h today in 4 sits with different length. Concentration a bit weaker today. The not and negative emotions around the stomach haven't showed up much, believe I noted less pain, a subtle happiness with me on and of cushion. The sensations around the third eye have been less dense and feeling less "stuck"

Today 4h in 3 sits. The last one was most interesting. Sat in the afternoon. Seems to be a rule for me that my concentration starts to pick up from this time and forward during the days/evenings. Has been like this for several years.

Started with counting the stoppage between out and in breath, 1-8 then start all over again. Counted for maybe 20min until the breath was very shallow and the visual field started to lit up. It lit up more than usual so concentration was strong. Went through jhana 1-7. Really enjoy how much better the five feels didn't even get it this good at the one month retreat with Leigh. Feels like the arupa ones are maturing and becoming more juicy somehow. Vague description sorry. Got in to something after 7th as well where it feels like the watching is shifting interchangeably with maybe 2s intervals between zooming backwards on the watcher almost like the watcher disappears. Then it zooms outwards in to space again. What is this? Have happened many times for me now but never at the retreat so haven't had any one to ask about it.

Started noting out loud maybe 1h in to the sit. The notes have defiantly changed logged lots how positive mind states like happy, contentment, silence, expansiveness. The kriyas came again. Then suddenly there was like a wave going upwards and attention went to the visual field where some intense eye flutter started. Lasted for maybe 20-30s. Felt some anticipation about fruit to be honest. Have never had this intense fluttering before the whole visual field was vibrating. Didn't recognize any discontinuity however.

Afterwards I came to a new place where every sensation felt distant, very detached to everything. Had some pretty strong knee pain but it felt like it didn't matter. Felt like some kind of release had happened in the third eye area. A new noting word came, tranquilized, felt like I had been given a shot ha ha. Very hard so formulate the notes, started mumbling them. Also made experiment to see how close the 4th jhana was to this state. Felt very close just zoomed out the visual field and stabilized the experience and I was there.

Just came back from a bike trip in nature. Wanted to enjoy the beautiful early summer dusk. Was very happy and was chanting mantras out loud lots of the time. Happy to praise the supreme and to be alive. For me a little devotion here and there opens up the heart

Metta Erik

Today 4h in 4 sits. Realized in the morning sits that I don't manage to note the thoughts while they are actually happening. Remember just afterwards that 'ouch there was I lost for a few seconds'. Noted some minor nausea and pain again. Also have to watch out so I don't note nonsense. Caught myself a few times noting riming words with no connection to a phenomena usually the mind would find it somewhere after the note though. But this is doing it backwards.

The afternoon sit was much stronger then the others got drunk on the breath and jhanas. However when I turned to vipassana I experienced heavy leg,knee pain. Couldn't continue very long compared to yesterday. Think the pain was the same as yesterday it was just that I didn't come to the same detached place today.

Today 4h 4 sits Talked to Ron yesterday. He said I'm probably reaching dissolution in my sits. Got more evidence for that today again. Come to a heavy place where nothing seems to matter in all of my sits. The noting becomes sloppy and it's hard to keep it up. Start to mumble them. Good to get the reminder from Ron that the noting needs to be kept up and especially the emotional states need to be disidentified from to continue. That is completely counterintuitive the tendency is to just sit and be in the tranquil peace. Just relaxing in my armchair after one sit it felt like I was in the perfect couch potato stage. No will to do anything just enjoying the subtle blissful contentment vibrating inside.

4h 5sits. Been logging uneasy, unsatisfactoriness, nausea, wanting to give up and similar feelings in the sits today. Kriyas still running rocking and swaying sometimes slow and sometimes fast.

4h 6 sits Yesterday was very hard. Uneasiness all over on and off cushion. Had to force myself to sit. Recognized this mind state from before. i've always slowed down in the past feeling like this. old patterns of escaping in to distractions off cushion came up. Wanting to escape the current experience. Last sit strong concentration came over me and I rested from the unpleasantness n the jhanas..

4h 3 sits, Did 2,5h samatha today more than usual. But felt I needed it after the strong aversion yesterday. Amazing how much faster the time goes in solidified states where you can rest..One week left now until my retreat. My original plan was to ramp up the hours even more from know on. But I think I stay with what I'm doing. There is no sense in being sick of meditation coming in to a 2v retreat.

4h 7sits Woke up today with a creeping anxiety. Sat down but kept changing position and noting things like unease, no motivation, desire to give up and similar. In the first four sits today it was like the anxiety was tingeling and vibrating on the arms, chest and head. It had a physical component to it. Had to force myself today again and keep the sittings short to stand them. Not as intense in the last 3. But can't concentrate like I could a week ago is like jhana access has disappeared or at least become a much bigger effort and don't reach the same depth if I try. Skipped them today.

4h 5 sits Easier time today, could concentrate again and no anxiety. Maybe I fell out of the dukha nanas temporary. Spoke to Ron and he told me to experiment and embrace the difficult emotions with compassion and of course acceptance. He also gave me the nice advice to go and do some fun things outside of meditation the days that are left before the retreat and try to get some exercise. Kind of felt this myself but it's very easy to be passivated when every thing feels bad.

4h 3sits Been noting sadness in the sits but it wasn't overwhelming. Went to see a comedy The Dictator. it was nice to laugh at some silliness...

Yesterday 4h 5sits Don't remember anything special. But include it for the record. Kept my promise to sit 4h every day before the retreat, leaving home 02:45 AM tomorrow morning. Here is a link to the center I'm going to. It's Mahashi in the tradition of Ajahn Tong.

www.vipassana-dhammacari.com/main_eng.html

Today 4h 5sits, Woke up with a creeping anxiety and no motivation. The 2 first sits was very hard, Creeping restlessness and tiredness. Took a nap something I almost never do and afterwards sat down again. Now I came to a very restful space where I noted calm, peacefulness, soothing and so on. Felt like a good ending, this morning I didn't even want to go but now I'm looking forward to the retreat. i admit that the moods affect me, but that's where I am I guess.

Report back in two weeks

Metta Erik

Good luck and practice at the retreat Erik!

The 2 weeks are over so it's time to get the retreat experience on print as best as I can before I forget it. What a wild ride it was! Dhammacari is a great! place to practice. Although there are some different opinions on practice by the teacher than the pragmatic practice community share. Write about in the end of the post.

In this tradition every session consists of three parts. First you do a mindful prostration where you mentally note every movement 3 times. It takes about 5 min. Was a great way to get in the mood for each session. Then you walk. I started with 15 min then the teacher increased that in 5 min steps until I reached 45 min. Which I stayed with for the last 5? days. She also gave instruction on how to note the steps starting with 1 and working up to 6 heel up, lifting, forward, lowering, touching and pressing. Every time you notice a phenomena you stop and note it 3 times then you note your position, standing and intention to walk and start again. Walking meditation was new to me and it was really a beneficial element. Many of the shifts between nanas came during it. Then you sit for the same length of time as the walking. Noting the rising and falling of the abdomen. After a few days sitting was also included as a note and I was given touching points to to touch with my awareness in a specific order increasing them up to 28. When a phenomena was noticed the rising, falling, sitting, touching was dropped and the occurrence was noted 3 times then you started from the begin with the anchor exercise.

Thank You PEJN. I practiced for sure and if you ever want to go to Dhammacari Ryanair flys from Skavsta to Memmingen outside of Munchen very convenient for Swedes. Long post about my experience follows. How is it going for you?

I write down what happened as well as I can remember in chronological order.

The retreat started with 6h sleep at night and a rule against ever laying down before this time. Was hard in the mornings spent some breaks piled up against the wall half dozingly. Sloth and torpor anyone? Wanted to be a serious yogi and sit in my room ha ha. Told the teacher about my sleepiness and she suggested practicing in the hall. Did this most of time in the beginning and other yogis presence was beneficial.

Day 2? the teacher said I was concentrating to much and was becoming tense through forcing the mindfulness. Could feel this being true and relaxed, came in to the retreat with the intention to exert some 'heroic effort' thanks Daniel Ingram . But realized that this was not synonymous with using the same kind of effort 'aaarrrghh' that I used when I was gym yogi in the past ha ha.

Day 4? While walking, from nowhere came a strong sense of fear and discomfort that hit in the gut. Lasted only 10 minutes before the teacher knocked on the door and it was time for interview. Told her about it and she said I should note feelings but not get too involved as that would make the coming days very hard.

Day 5 In the evening dukkha broke lose was walking in my room and everything slowed down and I was feeling like a complete drunkard with heavy clouded head walking through syrup. Hard to walk straight. With feelings of unease twisting through the body. Did the next session in the hall and tried to control myself a bit more which worked to some degree. Didn't want to scare the other yogis. In the third session while walking suddenly a bubbeling happiness arose. Was walking towards a Buddha statue and stopped and noted happy, happy, happy with a big silly grin on my face. Took a walk before going to bed and everything felt magical and a bit manic with ideas springing forth one after another.

Day 6 Don't remember the days practice. Reported to the teacher about the bubbeling happiness and how I realized that yes it was happiness but I didn't like the 'manic' part of it there was dukkha in the joy somehow. In the evening suddenly I experienced how the sitting became super easy and calm. Having a great distance to the pains and aches that had been bothering me so far. Felt like I sat still like a rock detached from the world. Very neutral feeling.

Day 7 Reported about my new found peacefulness in the morning. But in the day dukkha broke lose again not as strong as the day before. But was feeling disappointed that I had lost the calm and peace.

Day 8 In the sit before going in to the interview out of nowhere came a falling of the head like if I was going to sleep, but wasn't sleepy at all before. I was also tipping backwards, like losing balance. Felt surprised after every time a felling of ' what was that?' felt very happy and content also. Reported this phenomena the teacher didn't say much about it however. The mind was already spinning a little story though. Could this be fruitons?

Day 9 The same nicking of the head happened several times in other sittings and now I took the courage to tell the teacher that I was perplexed about what this was? Mentioned the frution word she was a bit avoiding and I told her that if she was not going to answer me I would ask people that would give a straight answer after the retreat. But somehow I was feeling that I knew what it was. She didn't fight back. But gave a talk about how I was grasping the experience and had a tremendous greed in my practice. Probably true. She also cut my sleep to 5h. Remember a bit of unease coming back in the day feeling a bit doubt if maybe I was deluded after all. Maybe I was just a greedy bastard ha ha.

Day 10 Wow this was far out. Did two wild sessions in my room before breakfast. Couldn't take one straight step or sit still for a even a few minutes. My body was twitching here and there while this driving restless knot was grinding in my gut. The head felt totally light and clear though at least compared to the heaviness of day 5. Did one sitting after breakfast before interview first very restless but out of nowhere a nick and another and another many with maybe 1 min interval. Felt very happy afterwards. So it was quite ironical to sit with the teacher and talk about the dukkha in the morning. She cut my sleep to 4h as well. This happiness stayed through the whole day. No calm mind though ideas coming and lots of them send emails to him, talk to her about that and so forth. Also composed the heel up, lifting, forwarding, lowering, touching, pressing vipassana song in my head. Or it kind of composed it self and then was hard to get out it came back until it was replaced by another melody the last 2 days.

Day 11 Dukkha came back in the morning not as strong unbalance and twitching as the day before but same tendencies. To be reset after breakfast by the nicks before going in to interview. Replaced by happiness. The teacher said it seemed like the past conditions from the rest of the retreat seemed to have cycled back 2 times during the last 2 days. Seemed true. Also told the teacher that I had been tired in the morning after only 4 sleeping. But the nicks seemed to reset my mind somehow and I now felt completely fine and how I've heard by other experinced yogis that this could be an indication of frution. She didn't disagree but didn't confirm either.

Day 12 Felt happy and was enjoying practice but felt finished and ready to go home. Also noticed a new phenomena at least 2 times during sitting with eyes closed the 'light' went out. Like if someone was very fast pressing on the light switch in the room. But it went completely black. Reported this and she said the yes there is two was to experience this phenomena, don't remember her exact word, through the body and through the mind. This was through the mind.

Day 13 spent it mostly chilling out walking in the forest doing some gardening preparing to return back home the day after. Had a perplexing last talk with the teacher in the evening. She had mostly seemed very happy with my practice so far but now she took a more distant stance. Telling me that if I did the course again in this tradition I should tell the teacher that I been with her and the basic course was not finished but I could now do it with 2 days less. She said that I didn't have to understand what this meant but the teacher would and that there was a strong attachment, greed left in me. She didn't explain this further though. She also said that now that I had tested both samatha and vipassana I should now make a choice about which was the road to end all suffering. She also said that I should get a teacher whichever path I took because it's so easy to get deluded.