Antero's practice journal 5

Despite the reluctance to write about my practice, I feel that it would be a shame to discontinue to journal my scientific experiment. As my practice has clearly entered a new phase, it is a good time to start a new thread.

Here is a revised index that makes navigating through my previous journals easier.


Working my way to A&P and Stream Entry (1st and 2nd stage of enlightenment on Kenneth's map, Stream entry posts #87-88):

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/39...B4s+practise+journal



Going through paths 2 '“ 4 (Stages 3 '“ 5) (2nd path see post #47, 3rd path see posts #77-82, 4th path see post #146):

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/41...7s+pactise+journal+2



Stages 6 and 7 (6th stage, see post #25- and 7th stage see post #45-):

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/44...s+practise+journal+3



Stage 8 (see posts #9 - 10 and #64 - 67)

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/46...set=60&maxResults=20

I just wrote on cmarti's thread 'Lost distinction between on/off cushion' about my current practice, I pasting the same text here for starters:

The mind does not wish to do any manipulation whatsoever and even subtle efforts to do so result in tension in the head that is felt painful.

No absorption state is available, except for rare occasions when it happens spontaneously. Even then no jhanas.

The awareness and its contents are more or less visible all the time

Lately I have done some formal sits with my students and noticed some subtle differences between sitting and normal everyday life. When sitting, I just let the awareness be in its natural state and rest. This brings empty and knowing qualities of the mind clearer and I have started to see how this makes some conceptions that are otherwise taken to be more solid transparent.

After sitting these concepts are continuously seen empty for a while, but they have the tendency to gradually solidify again.

These are concepts like:

Owning this body
Personal history
Identity
Where-ness

For example clinging to a concept of personal history make one start spinning thoughts about past and future, which are believed in until seen empty of substance.

Keeping the cross-posting theme alive, I posted on that other thread the following:

Every moment has become like meditation.

"
Every moment has become like meditation.

"

That's it!

Recently I was asked how much do I practice these days and I had to answer:

I do not practice anymore and there is not a moment when I don't.

"That's it!

Recently I was asked how much do I practice these days and I had to answer:

I do not practice anymore and there is not a moment when I don't.

"

I lost the distinction awhile back too. Most 'clearer and progressive' times occur when I'm lying down looking out at surroundings. So bed time and when I wake up or go for a walk and lie on the forest floor do I see more clearly. But, yeh, all the time now. Can't trun anything off. It is getting weirder and weirder. I wish i had words, but the more things drop away, the more weirder and wonderful it gets. Words fail me.

Hi Antero,

Just curious,

How does 'owning the body', personal history, identity, and 'where-ness' manifest as experiences phenomenoligcally speaking these days?

I am trying to suss if I have such experiences still. Owning the body does not arise or I dont recognise it. Where-ness, is this having a sense of location or presence in the world? What do you mean by personal history? You mean memories? How does identity manifest these days?

"How does 'owning the body', personal history, identity, and 'where-ness' manifest as experiences phenomenoligcally speaking these days?

I am trying to suss if I have such experiences still. Owning the body does not arise or I dont recognise it. Where-ness, is this having a sense of location or presence in the world? What do you mean by personal history? You mean memories? How does identity manifest these days?

- Nikolai"

I gave up hope long ago that experiences this subtle can be accurately explained using words, but what the heck

It has taken me a while to see how these phenomena are manifested after all those baseline shifts because we are talking about so subtle conceptual stuff. Nothing tangible like negative emotions or unpleasant contractions in the body result any more in response to clinging. I will try to give some examples what happens in phenomenological terms:

Walking down the street I might see some pleasant forms coming to me and notice how the memory of that sight lingers on for a couple of seconds. That is desire.

Because of my condition, I nowadays often get nerve pain in my lower back or on my leg. It feels solidly unpleasant, before the empty nature of body sensations becomes apparent again. This continuous pain and inconvenience make me very conscious of the unpleasantness of occupying this body, until that ownership is seen to be an illusion.

Today while waiting in traffic lights, I noticed how because of a firm belief in biographical history of this cluster of sensations, thoughts of what I will write to you in response started to flow in my mind, evidence of a mind still clinging to a concept that had been held for so many years. Though not harmful in itself, these thoughts were like a short translucent daydream in the middle of this clarity of awareness.

(cont.)

I hear voices outside. Instantly an image is born in this mind telling me that there must be dogs barking at each other closeby. Because of that fleeting image, I become consicous of the virtual reality built in this mind even though I cannot see what exactly is taking place. A whole concept of space, here-ness there-ness duality is created, until the emptiness of these concepts is realized and there is just one limitless mind space that becomes sounds and images for while and then manifests itself into something else.

So instead of clear and unmoving field of pure consciousness flawlessly reflecting everything without grasping, I am seeing clinging to sensations and concepts in subtle ways and now as I know the process little better, I have started to see it happen throughout the day.


[Edited to add:

some more information on the subject, see Emptiness meditation:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/49...Emptiness+meditation ]

Hello antero,
reading your previous threads l've learned that you were an ashtanga practitioner but more importantly that you have experienced jnanas while practicing ashtanga.
Usually i practice first serie and beginning of second, but my mind messes around a lot, sometimes i feel exhilarated but i'd like to know where do you keep your attention ? on the sensations which are changing all the time as the postures too ? on the sound of the ujjayi breath ? or on the movement of the abdomen ?
I'd really like to make my ashtanga practice an opportunity to improve attention and concentration so if you have any trick i'll listen closely.

Thank you

Hi obobinde,

In my experience, Ashtanga vinyasa yoga can be very effective concentration practice. When you apply moola bandha and uddyana bandha and do ujjaj breathing, just maintaining those alone through the whole asana sequence require some level of mindfulness. This can be enhanced further by paying attention to how the experience of bandhas change in different asanas and in different parts of inhale-exhale cycle.

Drstis or gazing points are very important in strengthening the concentration. As one gazes relaxedly at the set gazing points in each asana (nose, hand, foot, third eye, etc.) it is basically no different from kasina meditation. In order for the thought to form, gaze needs to defocus first and by continuously maintaining the gaze it cannot easily happen. Just like with kasina meditation, as the link with the object is formed, there is almost like a magnetic pull to the object of drsti as it draws the attention.

There are many asanas, like for example ardha matsyendrasana, that have parshvadrsti (looking sidewards). This was difficult for me in the beginning as my eyes started to wander and I ended up watching other yogi's practice (which started all kinds of trains of thoughts). Later on I learned to soften the gaze and look diffusely into the space instead of any person or object that happened to be on the line of sight. Drstis enable one to create a bubble of concentration regardless where one practices and controlling the sight controls the mind.

There are so many moving parts to the ashtanga yoga. Once all the previously mentioned featured are running smoothly, there is vinyasa or flowing sequence of movements between the asanas. In my opinion it is the synchronizing of movement and breath that makes all the difference.

(cont.)

[Edited for clarity]

After one has established the perfect asana one has to be able to lift the body up with force of bandhas, jump back, do upward looking dog, downward looking dog and then gracefully jump to the sitting position through the arms. And these movements in synchrony with the breath and doing correct drstis on the way. The challenge involved increases the concentration and energy level between asanas instead of diminishing or breaking them. This should be practiced carefully.

Usually I kept my attention on the body as a whole, trying to feel the asana 'from the inside'. If the attention was narrow, this meant observing a lot of different gross and subtle features that make up the asana. Normally the attention widens during the practice, so it isnatural to observe these features in a more holistic and diffuse way. I would say that there is not much difference between the way breath is felt in breath meditation and the way asana is felt in ashtanga yoga.

It the mindfulness feels scattered, one can always note and get the benefit of the feedback loop. In my experience it works very well with ashtanga yoga.

Hope this was helpful and keep me posted how your ashtanga yoga practice develops,

Antero

[edit: typo]

Whenever I do formal sitting, I continue to refine my emptiness meditation. This often results in very powerful raptures that last for a long time and make the body shake and writhe. Sometimes it is so strong that it can be unpleasant bordering painful.

The mind is very calm, unimpeded and clear afterwards.

Releasing the mind
Experiencing the unfabricated nature of the mind in stillness between thoughts
Feeling the spaciousness of the mind expand to infinity

Paying attention to hearing
It happens spontaneously with no effort
No need to point ears to the sound
They pick all sounds perfectly without discrimination all by themselves
Knowing aspect of the mind, loud and clear
Pure spontaneous presence
Aware of sounds even asleep

With eyes closed, just by hearing becoming aware of the outer space around me
Virtual reality of the mind space activated
Inner space re-creates the outer space automatically
Even visual images arising
How about the innermost space of the mind's nature?
The difference between sounds and the hearing mind cannot be found
Both stretching unimpeded to infinity

Very little difference between seeing with the eyes and seeing with the minds eye
Everything is mind in both cases
Just like with the sounds, everything seen arises in space
If this was a dream, inner seeing would happen as vividly as the outer one
Why not, both being same anyway

Completely effortless
Space-like field of force that is called mind
Nobody seeing, not nobody non seeing
Just seeing happening

The same with all the senses
A soup of sensations, made of the very fluctuation of the space-time continuum itself
All sensations equally important
All sensations equally non-important
No difference between seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting and smelling
No difference between sensing and thinking
No difference between thinking and stillness
Unimpeded mind space manifesting itself into sights, sounds, thoughts and silence
Reflecting everything without clinging like a wall of polished steel
Mostly made of sandman's dreams and Humpty Dumpty's dandruff

Thank you Antero for your detailed answer, it is very helpful.
I'll let you know how this changes my practice.

I have lately been interested in the spontaneous knowing aspect of the mind that has brought increased awareness of the fluctuations of the mind creating inner tension and pulling away from this moment.

See also:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/49...+Presence+Meditation

There seems to be a natural tendency for me to emphasize the emptiness side of things and at times this results in an unbalanced view of things causing lack of interest, passiveness and aloofness. There is a feeling that nothing really matters. Naturally this is a sign of some kind of imbalance, since negating something is a conceptual statement in itself and therefore belongs to the sphere of dualism.

The change of perspective is evident when the spontaneous presence aspect of the mind comes back to the foreground. The ever-changing stream of sensations and thoughts are now seen as a playful dance of consciousness without any tinge of meaninglessness to it. There is still no meaning to it, neither is there a lack of it. Everything just IS and that's all folks!

Yes. IS.... my favorite term to use to describe.... IT.

"
Yes. IS.... my favorite term to use to describe.... IT.



"

What more can you say if you want to avoid talking rubbish?

Wow!

I'm finding that rather than wanting to describe things as meaningless, the traditional moniker "signless" seems to fit a lot better. Nothing is pointing to anything else, IT just is what IT is. Meaningless seems to connote nihilism when none is implied.

Agreed. IT is not meaningless. IT just IS.

Interest in in formal meditation has been missing for over six months now. It feels like I have never meditated.

With the declining of concentration skills, a previously maintained layer of dissociation has melted away. As a result, some trigger sensations in the body have returned, but apparently this development is not affecting the inner silence. I am now more in touch with my body and accepting its limitations and as a consequence feel more connected with other people. This has strengthened my motivation for trying to be useful for the community, perhaps the only real source of motivation.