jgroove practice journal

That is so clear and apt. I'm just beginning to get an inkling of this process in my practice.

I've been doing reasonably well maintaining a regular sitting practice--a few days out of the week I'll put 40 minutes on the clock and practice. I seem to be taking a fairly amorphous approach. I'll do a lot of noting if I seem to be drifting too much; sometimes I'll follow the breath or count breaths. I'm "working on" backing off, stopping, just letting things be.

I'm still bedeviled by alcohol cravings. They start kicking in on Thursday with the proximity to the weekend. All it takes is a little flash of imagining--seeing a growler full of ale in the fridge or imagining a chilled glass of beer--and then the cravings start coming up with a fair amount of strength. They kind of percolate more than anything. Selfing is involved but there's an organic quality to this that is just physiological. I remember listening to a podcast in which a researcher pointed out that if you give a bunch of lab rats alcohol, some portion of them will be like, "So what?" But there will be some other percentage that will take to the stuff like Homer Simpson.

One thing I've discovered is that if I take as object all of the bare sensate phenomena related to this entire process of craving, it is absolutely, exactly, all that's required for an opening or breakthrough. You can really see how the clinging itself keeps the center-point together. It's very much like some of the direct mode stuff Kenneth has talked about--you take the body as object and it's like, "Wow."

Trouble is, my intentions are mixed. I'm not really willing to do this all the time so, pretty often now, I just end up drinking. Last night, for example, my wife and I went to a bar and drank a bunch of beers. It was actually fun. Earlier in the day we had taken the kids to a volunteer thing and stuffed duffel bags for the homeless. I cut the grass amid a beautiful fall day. It seemed OK to go out to a bar.

A few years ago, I'd be kicking myself up and down for this behavior, but I seem to have lost the impulse to do that now. When I see other people's imperfections, their sad f&ck ups, it doesn't make me hate them. It's more like this is just human vulnerability, grounds for compassion. I should have that regard for myself as well. At the same time, I do aspire to do a little better than what I'm doing now.

I thought Daniel's talk at the BG conference was interesting--kind of reminded me of Wilber's "lines of development." I seem to be making some progress on the kindness front, but I sure have a lot of work to do on some of the other boxes on the character sheet.

"When I see other people's imperfections, their sad f&ck ups, it doesn't make me hate them. It's more like this is just human vulnerability, grounds for compassion. I should have that regard for myself as well. At the same time, I do aspire to do a little better than what I'm doing now. "

I find the play of that compassion interesting. Sometimes it's really easy to find compassion for others but not for ourselves, sometimes neither, sometimes both... not sure I've ever felt compassion for myself and *not* others at the same time....the first scenario seems to be pretty common, though. I can find you dozens of examples of me saying exactly what you said above in my journals.

Sat for 60 minutes this morning. Noted various stuff--pressure, roaring/hearing, planning thoughts, reporting thoughts, 'dharma thoughts; got hooked several times in imagining thoughts with strong visuals; at one point a fairly clear image of a mandala-like Persian carpet popped into my head [?]; visual brightness; dark, empty, big space; aching, unpleasant; hearing followed by visuals (the crows squawking outside, cars going by). A lot of pulsing and quivering in the head. It feels like new parts of the brain have been enlisted somehow. Hard to describe. A lot of these little snaps of the head/base of the neck. I guess they're fruitions [?].

I'm trying to stay attuned to my intentions. Is the overall trajectory one of moving from noise to stillness, from self to selflessness, from dukkha to sukkha? Or is there a lot of over-striving and pushing and pulling going on? If there's over-striving and pushing and pulling going on, is that being taken as object and seen clearly for what it is?

I'm also working a bit with this acronym ROA--Relax, Observe and Allow. Also trying to remember the instruction to watch how objects become objects.

Sat for another 40 minutes on Friday night, after an hour sit in the morning. Also, a few times on Friday I went outside and sat in a chair and just quieted the mind as I looked out at the trees in my yard. Glorious weather right now with temperatures in the 70s, lots of wind, and all of the leaves changing color and starting to fall. The world seems to be quieting down in preparation for winter, and meditation comes more easily, seems to me.

I did a bit more of this yesterday. Had to make a drive up to the North Georgia mountains and did some noting, paying attention in the car. Later in the day at one point I was tempted to drink. I even grabbed an empty growler and got in the car, but then I stopped, paid attention to what was going on, and made the decision to bring the thing inside and not do it. I went to bed early, got up pretty early, and sat just now for another 40 minutes.

I can relate to the temptation you mention (with me it's pot instead of alcohol). Resisting the urge when you''ve almost decided to do it takes real determination!

Last night I had some specific feelings I wanted to avoid (with temptation) but I sat with them. I'm kind of seeing how bypassing that stuff might not be the best play. Not sure that's what's going on every time, but last night it would have definitely been to escape.

I have the same acronym, kind of. Mine is ARO - Aware, Relaxed, and Open.

Yeah, it might be a coincidence but I've been feeling really good this week--really soft and kind, appreciating the people and situations in my life. I've had a lot of moments of expansiveness--wide open, center-less vistas, really vivid colors; lots of moments where I met the moment creatively instead of allowing proliferation to occur. I'm guessing that if I'd given into temptation the other day and drank a bunch of beers, the subsequent week wouldn't have gone the way it did.

I could be totally wrong. This could have mostly to do with causes and conditions that aren't even related to my conscious choices, but my hunch is that there's a pretty big cost to the use of intoxicants/alcohol. I know there's certainly this other side to them as well where they loosen up the ingrained, samsaric patterns, etc.

I think there's some Tibetan analogy about licking honey off of a razor-blade. Tricky business.