Yadid's existential issues

Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in a while but I am still reading.

So I had a few panic attacks (never had this kind of thing before) a month and so ago, which were triggered by some life changes which resurfaced some past-trauma of mine regarding death (I saw my dad get brain cancer when I was 18 and die a year later after losing all his mental and physical capabilities).
There wasn't any specific trigger for it, but I suspect that the fact that I am getting married soon somehow brought this up (getting married being associated with growing up and.. eventually dieing).

Basically I have gotten over the actual panic, but I still have this kind of super-dark-night-associated feelings of constantly realizing the mortality and impermanence of life, inevitability of death, of losing all my loved ones and so on.

So I am trying to get back into my practice hoping it would help me with this, and I hope to go on a 10-day retreat in a month and a bit, hopefully after I get into a groove of daily practice beforehand, so I can make some progress there rather than having to kick-start the insight engine.

Sat for an hour this morning - sleepiness, dreaminess, some concentration. On we go.

If you guys have anything to contribute or offer on these matters, I'd love to hear

As someone who has dealt with panic attacks for a while now, I feel your pain. It can be pretty rough. My only advice would be to not look at this practice to remove the anxiety but to see through it, understand it, and therefore, see it for what it is. Just like you said above, it is physical response to a thought process and subsequent emotion about something in your past.

You probably already know this, but just the grasping for hope that the practice will fix the problem can be a hindrance.

Hi Yadid. What you're describing is pretty familiar to me. My dad, a really wonderful person, was diagnosed with stage IV kidney cancer after I got married in 2000 and was dead within a year or so. It hit me really hard. Not long after that I found out I was about to become a father. Your take on what's triggering the anxiety sounds correct to me--you know that you're about to enter a life stage that requires, above all else, surrender. As you get older and take on more responsibilities, you have to put others' interests before your own, day in and day out. It is a kind of death, for sure. It isn't always easy, but going with this flow rather than resisting it can bring a lot of happiness. It's a profound form of practice in and of itself. You're very wise, seems to me, to recognize that this is what's happening.

Russel: Thanks for your advice.
I actually found that once I realized these are actually panic attacks it helped me deal and see through them, and I haven't had a full-on intense one as the first ones in quite a few weeks, but whats lingering is the existential issue of death basically.

Joel: Thanks

Hi Yadid - just to say it was a rough period in which a lot of deaths occurred around me (including my father's death, which had been very painful to watch) that kick started my return to spiritual practice after many years away and pushed me to begin meditating regularly. It brought up for me a real crisis of recognizing that everything I thought might last wouldn't, and all the things people cling to in life are just dust when they die. It was quite devastating. I fell into a deep period of anxiety. Your feelings sound familiar to me. Best wishes with your renewed practice.

"Hi Yadid - just to say it was a rough period in which a lot of deaths occurred around me (including my father's death, which had been very painful to watch) that kick started my return to spiritual practice after many years away and pushed me to begin meditating regularly. It brought up for me a real crisis of recognizing that everything I thought might last wouldn't, and all the things people cling to in life are just dust when they die. It was quite devastating. I fell into a deep period of anxiety. Your feelings sound familiar to me. Best wishes with your renewed practice. "

Thanks giragirasol. When was this?

Best wishes Yadid, be good to yourself!

I have no wisdom of my own to offer, but you might be interested to know that Yongey Mingur Rinpoche, the son of Dzogchen master Tulku Urguyen, suffered panic attacks for many years - he talks about it in his book "The Joy of Living".

Be well Yadid.

"Thanks giragirasol. When was this?"

My dad died in 2006, and I was executor of his estate so dealing with it carried on for over a year, and the rest of the stuff happened in the summer and fall of 2009, if I recall.