James-ing's Practice Journal

OK, so several people have suggested that I start a practice journal and I think that that is a good idea too! So here goes:

I'm coming from samatha practice, so I'm going to transition over to noting somewhat gradually. Sat down and did 20 minutes samatha warm-up (or a cool-down would be more appropriate, I suppose) and then moved into noting out-loud. It was clunky, as I suspect it probably was for everyone at the beginning, in that by the time I had noted 'tingling' / 'pressure' / etc. there was already something else at the forefront of awareness - namely, the noting itself! So I would *notice* the noting, but not note it either (don't know how that would work mid-word anyway). I tried to check in on what was predominant about once a second, but I don't think I was quite able to keep up in terms of labelling things, so I tried switching to mental noting to see what that felt like. Mind wandering became a problem when I tried that - although I did notice it! - so I went back to verbalizing. Closer to the end of the noting practice, my body was starting to make little motions on its own (which I noted), the torso was gently pivoting on the axis of my spine (clear?). But then my 35 minute timer came up for that and I was done. I finished with another 20 minutes of attempted samatha (with interest to see how noting for a while might have effected my concentration ability), but it was pretty rough, because my body started getting *quite* independently mobile. Weird breathing patterns and pronounced movements for which I had not given permission. At one point I decided to arrest the movement (which I did) and when the gross movements were not happening I noticed distinct tingling sensations on my lips and the area surrounding my mouth, particularly the upper lip. (Part 1/2

(Part 2/2):

These movements are the same as I have had before, and they are often accompanied by these tingling sensations. Sometimes the tingles plainly come first, sometimes not, but they are those mouth area ones.

Mhmm. So, pointers, comments?

"Mhmm. So, pointers, comments?" -james-ing

A useful format for a log is to begin with minutes, along with what practice you did. Below that, you can write the full text description. That way, you or your teacher can later skim your log and see when you were practicing a lot and when you backed off. It looks like this:

20 minutes, samatha
35 minutes, noting, mostly aloud
20 minutes samatha

(Body text.)

@Kenneth: Got it!

20 minutes, samatha
35 minutes, mostly silent noting

Once again, started with a samatha "cool down", then moved on to noting. Started out loud, was getting one 'note' in pretty much every second, but it occurred to me that I was detecting lots of little things happening between labels, so decided to see what silent noting would be like. Sort of kept an 'open' awareness, intending just to acknowledge whatever I happened to be feeling at a given moment. Could sometimes note thoughts and they would drop while othertimes they were still there churning away overtop of whatever else was happening (body sensations, sounds, etc.) but not really grabbing my attention.

My body starting swaying, shaking, etc. of its own accord again. It got pretty violent for a while. Subjectively, though, this time I wasn't *totally* sure that it was happening all on its own - I kept having this sense that maybe I was *doing* it, so I looked for that. I would deliberately stop it and then watch and see what would go on when it started up again. I have this vague sense that perhaps there was some thought preceding the onset of the shaking or a shift in its characteristic pattern (from swaying side to side to sourt of 'bouncing' on the cushion, for instance). Finished sit somewhat earlier than I had originally intended because it was quite unpleasant (try again later)!

"Started out loud, was getting one 'note' in pretty much every second, but it occurred to me that I was detecting lots of little things happening between labels, so decided to see what silent noting would be like. Sort of kept an 'open' awareness, intending just to acknowledge whatever I happened to be feeling at a given moment. "

This is good. You should strive to be consistent with the practice (it's easier to interpret results that way, and it also allows you to sink in), but you'll find the pace of experience changes, so it's okay to note faster, slower, out loud, silently.

I don't have any specific advice about the shaking. I've never had it, but I know a few other people here have had to contend with it (see Laurel's log, for example). It sounds like 4th ñana, though time will tell. If it is 4th ñ, then the good news is that you'll eventually tip over into dissolution and dark night, and it will stop. The bad news is that you'll tip over into dark night.

@Appercetion: OK, I'm going to try to be more consistent in my noting technique. Thanks for the pointing me to Laurel's log - I'm finding it quite interesting reading. I'm glad to know that I'm certainly not the only one who's had it/having it happen.

Practice Log:

20 minutes samatha
40 minutes noting, mostly silent

Started out noting out loud just to get into the swing of things and then pretty quickly switched to silent. Noticed the mind jumping around from object to object and tried to pay attention to when exactly it was with that object. For example, there was a loud, continual noise outside and an itch on my neck - so I tried to pay attention to just which was actually the main focus *now*, *now*, *now*, etc. Tricky to do, actually.

Now, there were two things that were more apparent today that I have already noticed before during the course of training in samatha. First, there's something of a mental impression following sensory stimuli, so if a bug flies across my field of vision while I'm sitting I will see that and then notice shortly afterward (about a second?) a mental replica of the visual event follows. Second, sounds (particularly sudden ones) seem to take more time (the prevalence of this seems inversely correlated with how active my startle reflex is). Anyway, those were quite apparent today.

Then I started shaking and I again tried to notice whether thoughts preceded it. Honestly, I couldn't tell (though it seemed more involuntary today). Now, when the shaking was going on there was no hope of noticing finer sensations (e.g. cool air on the skin) so I just paid attention to the shaking itself and when that would no longer be centre in my attention (e.g. thoughts about the shaking, disliking the shaking, pains, etc.). But such noticing was not very fine-grained.

20 minutes samatha
45 minutes noting, mostly silent
20 minutes samatha (I'm increasing my cushion time!)

Started with samatha, had some trouble getting into it - I had just been reading something interesting so that was still kicking around my brain, also I didn't get the greatest amount of sleep last night, so there was a bit of drowsiness.

Again, started noting out loud about once a second. I notice that I'm making fewer 'mistakes' (labelling an itch 'seeing' for instance) and also have noticed something of a tendency to just say things automatically, even if they're not what's actually going on (a bit of autopilot). I will keep my eyes out for those more. Switched to silent, tried to pay attention to smaller sensations and the body shaking began again. Kept noting as much as I could, realized that the shaking would sometimes slow down if I were noting it less assiduously, speed up the more effort I was putting into it. An interesting thing. The shaking wasn't quite as bad today as yesterday (which was quite bad), so I had more opportunities to notice other things as well (sounds, the quality of my breathing, little pains near my spine, the very interesting fact that even though I'm shaking around the thought-stream just wouldn't shut up). Overall, I caught thoughts and reactive emotions a lot more today (like this, don't like that, GET UP NOW OR YOU'LL DIE FOR SURE!!, etc.) - noted them. Whenever I noticed I'd stopped noting, I'd not that too!

After a good while of shaking around and having my body seem to want to lean over here, twist around there, it all just settled down and I got some calm. Went back to noting, almost immediately had drowsiness creep back in (noted some aversion at this time too, like my brain had decided: "well, frick, can't make him stop, time to shut down").

20 minutes samatha
45 minutes silent noting
10 minutes samatha

Cool down, then into noting, when really going for it at a rate of probably greater than 1/second (I could hear the clock ticking away). Started really quickly noticing lots of tiny, fast sensations on my hands particularly. Attention would drift around a bit from physical sensations to hearing, to vision, to thoughts, etc., stayed on top of that as best I could. Started having itches and a pressure (best description) show up in my forehead, right around/behind the brow area. Some mild shaking/swaying, but nothing like the other days (was relieved). In between two instances of shaking I had all these tiny, extraordinarily fast sensations occurring all over my face (way more than once a second). Had some boredom and mild desire to get up arise, noted them, they mostly went away.

Samatha was nothing much interesting, though there was a sort of blue/purple overcolour at times that sort of pulsed from the periphery of the field of vision to the centre into a little splotch that would fade, then another pulse would happen (provided I didn't move my eyes or pay too much attention to it). I'm assuming that this has something to do with the circulation of blood?

"Went back to noting, almost immediately had drowsiness creep back in (noted some aversion at this time too, like my brain had decided: 'well, frick, can't make him stop, time to shut down')." -james-ing

Be sure to note the drowsiness with care and precision. Anything that slips under the radar can undermine your practice. If, on the other hand, you note drowsiness like any other sensation, it just becomes more grist for the mill. Remember the food processor stuck to the back of the Professor's DeLorean car/time machine in the movie Back to the Future? You could put anything in the hopper of the food processor and it would instantly become nuclear fuel to power the car. Your vipassana noting practice is just like that; you can put any experience in the hopper by noting it and it instantly becomes nuclear fuel to turbocharge your awakening. There are no exceptions; anything you note fuels your awakening. And any experience can be noted. This practice works. Keep on keepin' on.

"Started having itches and a pressure (best description) show up in my forehead, right around/behind the brow area. Some mild shaking/swaying, but nothing like the other days (was relieved). In between two instances of shaking I had all these tiny, extraordinarily fast sensations occurring all over my face (way more than once a second). Had some boredom and mild desire to get up arise, noted them..." -james-ing

Good stuff, James-ing. You've got this. You are doing it right. Keep doing it.

@kenneth - love the food-processor analogy

@james-ing - I had lots of shaking during my practice too (intermittently for years) - it won't hurt you, though it can range from mild to strong, pleasant to painful. one can think of it less aversively as a sort of internal automatic massage, working out the tensions and kinks in the body?

"I had lots of shaking during my practice too (intermittently for years) - it won't hurt you, though it can range from mild to strong, pleasant to painful. one can think of it less aversively as a sort of internal automatic massage, working out the tensions and kinks in the body" -giragirsol

Yes!

@kenneth - Thanks for the advice and reassurance. When something like the pressure creeps up should I stay choiceless and continue to note whatever makes itself predominant or would it be more productive to try to exclude other things and really see about noticing the subcomponents of that? I kept to choiceless, but still noticed that across time it would change in shape, feel, spatial parameters, etc., so maybe these aren't really that different?

I also dig the Back to the Future reference! Haven't watched that in years, might have to rent it again!

@giragirasol - Yeah, I've had this shaking happen before as well, so it looks to be something about the way I'm wired up. I'll try to keep this helpful view of the phenomenon in mind. Not that I find massages particularly enjoyable, either!

Haha! Great metaphor, Kenneth!
Let's get that flux capacitor up and running..!

"When something like the pressure creeps up should I stay choiceless and continue to note whatever makes itself predominant or would it be more productive to try to exclude other things and really see about noticing the subcomponents of that?" -james-ing

Don't try to exclude anything! Down that road lies madness. Whatever is there is what you should be noticing. If it gets ignored it owns you. If you notice it, it's just another phenomenon... no problem. Just be alert to the natural tendency to ignore the subtle background anxiety that can come up during practice. This anxiety doesn't have to be privileged, but whatever you do, don't miss it.

"Don't try to exclude anything! Down that road lies madness."

OK, that definitively answers the question, thanks! I like my sanity too.

Never got around to yesterday's practice log:

20 minutes samatha,
50 minutes silent noting

Brief summary: samatha went well, moved into noting and drowsiness was predominant, so I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what that really looks like (besides certain sensations in and around the eyes, just a sort of being out of it). Eventually was able to see things more clearly, some very mild movements of the body along with a bit of twitching, then back to drowsiness. Some feelings of being bored, wanting to get up, etc., noted them. Drowsiness was the big one.

Today's sit:
20 minutes samatha
50 minutes silent noting

Started out already drowsy during the samatha, but was low-level (that is, intention to stick with the object mostly keep it at bay), but still some more mind wandering than I would like!

Drowsiness present throughout my vipassana period. Started with noting that worked out pretty well, but would drift into times of not really being sure what was going on, sort of like there wasn't anything there at all (of course there was sounds, thoughts, sensations, etc., but they had no crispness - many of them didn't even have that feeling of solidity, they were ghostly). This came and went. A little while later moved into a situation where there were more itches (some persistent little buggers too), not so much shaking, but tensions and pains throughout the body. Noted them, also noted I didn't like them. Fairly frequently thoughts of wanting to get up would appear. Had to keep reminding myself that even 'bad' meditations are good as long as you keep applying the techniques.

James, keep this up and you will be flying through the path. You sound like you have great attitude and a wonderful practice.

Thanks, Aquanin! I'm hoping that I do!

10 minutes samatha
50 minutes silent noting

Drowsy, sluggish, and spaced out. Kept doing my best to bring things clearly into focus, then things would get dreamy again. My eyelids felt soo heavy and would just close themselves and then I'd get really spaced out. Noticed lots of aversion to the sensations of tiredness. Kept at it though, even though it wasn't very satisfying. Also noted a fair bit of "this sucks" and "obviously, this isn't working thoughts", but as with the other day only they were spacey too.

As weird as this sounds, you are making progress. Good work. Keep doing what you are doing.

10 minutes samatha
50 minutes silent noting

Same deal as yesterday: "drowsy, sluggish, and spaced out." Started my noting, could get a fair number of tiny sensations inbetween notes, but then started drifting into la-la land (noticing my eyes were closed and I was day dreaming for who knows how long, etc.). Lots of desire to get up (not strong though), lots of thoughts remarking "what the hell, I'm *backsliding*" and lots of doubt. Noted these and reminded myself of all those things one should (i.e. this may not look like progress, but everyone says this is the way it goes...). Itches that were fairly disagreeable would show up, as well as tension/pain in my neck. Tried to keep noting where I would feel sensations, but when I did feel things they seemed both solid and ephemeral (say, my foot had sensations that were weak but solid, maybe like the difference between looking at an object and a looking at a line drawing of same). The only sensations that *didn't* seem ghostly like that were the itches and the pain - *those* felt solid, of course (eye roll).

I did notice on one occasion that there was a distinct sense of being separate from what was going on in my mind - there was an "I thought" and it was like, hey, no, you're over there, so you're not actually me (which started another train of thoughts that did sucker me in "my, isn't that interesting...). After this, I tried widening my perspective (I suppose I thought it would help me catch that better again) but didn't feel like that did the trick.

Also, my the pain/tenseness in my neck seems to have followed me off the cushion (stretching it out at present!), which reminds me that last night I felt a mild knot of unpleasant sensations around my heart, sort of like pain but not really pain. Is that somewhat common at this stage or should I be having a check-up with the doc (I'm thinking it's not so much the latter though, I'm still this side of thirty)?

"Also, my the pain/tenseness in my neck seems to have followed me off the cushion (stretching it out at present!), which reminds me that last night I felt a mild knot of unpleasant sensations around my heart, sort of like pain but not really pain. Is that somewhat common at this stage or should I be having a check-up with the doc (I'm thinking it's not so much the latter though, I'm still this side of thirty)?"

It is most likely path related, but as with anything that feels physical and could potentially do you harm, keep an eye on it and if it seems like a medical problem, by all means go see a Dr. That being said, there are a lot of energetic things that can happen on the path that can make you feel physically sick. You seem prone to energetic stuff already (swaying, etc), so it could just be more of that.

This practice makes you very self-aware, so simple things that you noticed before, like fear or anxiety, may have just been noticed as that. As you go through this process, this all breaks down to where you see the emotion and physical sensations separately. It can feel weird but its nothing to be concerned about.

Just keep an eye on it.