James-ing's Practice Journal

Thanks, will do

30 minutes samatha
50 minutes silent noting

Noticed a big difference between samatha and vipassana today. The mind likes the calmness that comes from focusing only on one point and cuts off other sensory stimuli more or less of its own (or, I'm drifting into torpor, hard to tell). No resistance, however. Also, more of my blue, inward moving cloud today: nimitta?

My noting today was an altogether different thing. Did it while still fully rested, so drowsiness wasn't a huge problem like the last couple of days (though there was still tiredness), but there was a similar pattern nonetheless. Started out noticing lots of little things, started noticing a fair bit of doubting thought and aversion to continuing the sit, then the mind started drifting into day dreams and reveries. Since I wasn't physically sleepy, these didn't lead to total black outs, so I kept noting and bringing attention back to what's going on now. Kept noting aversions, which notes became the ground of other mental trains of thought. I did notice a lot of anticipation surrounding a package I'm waiting for in the mail. Fair number of physical pains, a bit of twitching and only one involuntary movement (all of the sudden, my shoulders decided to square off to my left).

30 minutes samatha
50 minutes silent noting
10 (approx) walking meditation

I slept very little last night (made the mistake of drinking coffee too late), so I actually tossed the walking meditation in during the middle of my silent noting in order to pep things up a bit. Otherwise, pretty well the same deal as the last few days - samatha goes smoothly, resistance to noting combined with drowsiness. Lot's of resistance. Lots of "dang, this isn't working anymore". Blah, blah. Since I was soo sleepy, played a bit with seeing what falling asleep sitting upright feels like. Conclusions: cottony and warm.

Being able to sleep sitting up has changed my life. Handy side effect of all those drowsy days of meditation. Now I can sleep happily (and discreetly) on the bus, plane, in a car, doctor's office, airport, wherever.

You're doing great, James. You are reporting lots of good phenomena from the first three Insight Knowledges (read about them here if you haven't already:)

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...sight+%28Part+One%29

Next stop, the A&P, which is the 4th Insight Knowledge; that's when things really open up and your practice catches fire.

The third Insight Knowledge is notoriously difficult. Your proximate goal is to get over the 3rd nana hump. They key will be to keep meditating through the difficult part rather than avoid it by ending the sitting or spacing out. Also, investigate pulses and flutters if they show up.

@giragirasol: Amazing, what *can't* this practice do for you?

@Kenneth: Thanks, Kenneth! Yes, I thought that those all seemed to be early stage stuff too (certainly no bone-crushing misery, anyway). Would your suggestion then be to 'force' my way through that stuff by willpower alone or more simply just keep going with trying to be attentive in noting? Also, by pulses/flutters you are referring to body sensations?

I will be away tomorrow though late Monday night (Canadian Thanksgiving), but I will keep the practice up as I have been and maybe even check the forums from my phone if I think I can handle the roaming charges!

"Would your suggestion then be to 'force' my way through that stuff by willpower alone or more simply just keep going with trying to be attentive in noting?" -james-ing

No, I would never recommend forcing anything. The blowback can be devastating, and you don't move faster in the long run by forcing. Just keep noting; that will keep you on task and moving forward.

"Also, by pulses/flutters you are referring to body sensations?" -james-ing

Yes, body sensations. See if you can feel your heart pulse in different places around the body. If so, stay with it and see if it breaks up into sub-pulses, which might be experienced as flutters. Also look for fluttering/flickering/strobing in the visual field.

OK, I definitely have caught my pulse in a couple of places, so I'll stay with those when I see them again. Does strobing in the visual field imply going *out* or a sort of warping or sort of fading (best I can come up with - sort of like the focus goes but it's not that objects are out of focus)? Maybe a better way to describe is as a backgrounding of objects in the visual field so that the field seems more prominent than its contents.

Back from the weekend! Sat everyday, but nothing much interesting to remark upon (less drowsy, more antsy).

Today:
25 minutes samatha
55 minutes silent noting

My mind was more wandery today, but I kept bringing attention back. Some (physical) tiredness, but sharper acuity. Things started out feeling solid, but if I stayed with an object it would start to break down into faster sensations. Spent a fair bit of time with fast sensations (probably about ten per second, a little less would be my guess) in both my hands and my face, spent time noticing that when I was feeling sensations here, I wasn't noticing them there and vice versa, also that sometimes there seemed to almost be *tension* as both locations had strong sensations and the attention wouldn't resolve to one or the other.

By the way, should I be able to count an exact number of sensations/second or is that unrealitic ( x/sec. = guideline only)?

Also noticed some warping (not that things were misshapen, but there was a sort of flickering/motion/shapes) near the focal point of my vision at one point and an almost jarring, flickering quality to the field of vision. I never lost the visual field, but there were instants where it was definitely stronger and weaker, and when weaker this seemed to correspond to the presence of strong tingling in my hands, and seemed to be happening about as quickly as those physical sensations were (i.e. perhaps about 5x/sec.). Is this the 'strobing' to which Kenneth was referring above?

30 minutes samatha
2x 25 minutes silent noting

Tried to sit the full length of my sit and was interrupted *twice* today! There will be days like that (though I did my best to keep mindfulness after the interruptions).

Samatha went fairly well, my eyes were drying the heck out today so I decided to give close-eyed a go. When vision is cut out the physical sensation of the breath is much stronger (but then so are my day dreams). Had a bit of a feeling of losing track of my body/sound (except for a particular whining noise) and a tunneling of vision. Felt nice.

My two sits were much the same. Silent noting, some drowsyness, some mind wandering. Bringing attention back. During the second sit I started to get better traction with sensations, lots of little fast ones on my face and hands. Noticed a similar sort of copy of sounds as I have noticed of sights (actual sight/sound, brief moment, mental reproduction of the sight/sound). Found that interesting - I wonder whether I'll be able to note the same for the other sensory media. A little bit of the visual flickering I referred to yesterday, but still not quite sure whether I was imagining it (power of suggestion) or whether it was really there, so will pay more attention in for the next little while.

20 minutes samatha
45 silent noting

Had lots of aversion today, not just to the sit, but to everything. Wanted to get up, wanted to scratch, time to go over here, I'm bored, etc. Did manage to stay with it mostly, have been here before in my sitting, just have to grit my teeth and stay with it. Noticed more sensations flickering in hands, feet, and face, noticed again that while they were strong here, they weren't over there, etc. Had some high-pitched noise in my ears, noticed that it wasn't really *one* tone, or maybe more that it seemed to have definite parts (analogous to the sensations that make up my hands, or feet). Had more luck noticing sensations if I stopped noting and just watched, but then mind wandering would kick in. It might be worth experimenting to find a nice balance.

Haven't posted practice journals for the last couple of days: bad bad! Quick summary of sitting times (all vipassana): Friday 20 minutes (eek!), Saturday 45 minutes.

Today:
30 minutes samatha
55 minutes silent noting

Started off noting pretty aggressively, but thoughts kept derailing it, kept bringing it back. Drowsiness then kicked in, but successfully noted it and keept bringing more effort to the table in order to up the energy levels. That eventually went away, then the wife started banging around in the kitchen. Noted slight irritation. Also, noting sounds she was making - trying to detect the subcomponent parts of the sounds of chopping, noticing the mental after-images of various sounds. After she'd gone to the other room, I returned to noting whatever made itself apparent. More itches would show up and fade (none very persistent, but seemingly quite solid), lots of tingles in my hands and pain/tension in my neck. Then I was starting to shake (with aversion to that) and desired to get up. Also noticed lots of feelings of warmth in my body, was somewhat unpleasant. Some mild jerkiness of the breathing and also a weird, rapid pulsing feeling that seemed to be internal (as though in a straight line down the centre of my body), noticed mostly in my head. Ended out the sit with strong aversion

30 minutes samatha
55 minutes silent noting

A couple of things to mention that cropped up on and off during the sit. Some mind wandering to what I had to do after the sit (prep dinner, etc.), some mild aversion to the practice, and some mild shaking/twisting of the body into different positions. Regarding the mind wandering, whenever it would take place I would bring the attention back, same for doubting thoughts or aversion. Noting takes care of it. I would note when I was shaking, though it was not really so bad a problem, though I noticed I definitely didn't like it and when my body would twist into a certain position I was aware of aversion, then the desire to correct it, then the correction. Also noticed a lot of the mind searching around for something to grab onto that seemed somewhat distant from me (the searching, I mean).

Otherwise, almost as soon as noting began I started having quite strong pressure in my head again, across the brow/forehead area and trailing down along the brow lines to my temples on either side. At times it was quite strong and quite unpleasant, though it would get stronger/weaker, have some distinct sub-feelings (stronger centred on some spot, weaker that further away). That was what was mostly predominant for the longest time, then it changed of its own to being physical sensation in my hands/feet again. Over time, attention drifted to hearing as I was hearing a very high pitched noise (honestly, not sure whether it's my fridge or the inner-ringing that's always there). As attention stayed with this sound I was noticing other sounds also, which would alternate with the high-pitch. Also, when the high pitch was predominant I could make out some sub-components. Then my shaking/twitching was getting worse so my attention moved to keeping predominantly on bodily sensations, though it would cycle through sound, thought as well.

(1/2)

This was when I would notice cool sensations from the wind coming in on the skin, fast tingling on the lips and face especially, itching (very quickly dissipating) and also that same pulsing that I mentioned in yesterday's log (very brief). Also around this time I noticed that a lot of my twitching would follow very quickly on the heels of aversion.

55 minutes silent noting

No time for samatha today, so did a little bit of counting the breath to settle down some. Soon as I had finished that, mind went looking for sensations to latch onto, noticed some in my fingers. Soon enough noticed a tiny bit of the other day's pressure in my forehead, attention moved there, but it was overtaken by warm sensations throughout my torso. These kept increasing and felt somewhat uncomfortable (but had some neat feelings where cool air blowing in hit the warming moving outwards). Then my mind shifted back to tingling throughout my feet, lower legs, hands and face (I'm noticing that these fast bodily tingles are becoming more common in my sits) and remained mostly with these for the rest of the session, except when I drifted into dreamyland or memories or imaginings. Might've peeked at the timer. Also noticed that there's a metric ****-tonne or stuff that I'm not too fond of at all (things kept coming up and I would notice "don't like this, don't like this, don't like this") - so far as I'm aware I didn't hit anything that was like "ah, nice, I'll keep this, thanks!" That's kinds sobering.

Otherwise, off the cushion, when I'm sitting around I'm able to check-in on the body and notice lots of little sensations about. Doing this more and I'm out and about, waiting to fall asleep, etc.

Been a couple of days since I posted last, but I can't really remember anything interesting about those sits (like I've noticed someone else has said - Laurel maybe? - it seems that one sit sort of erases memories of the last). So, I woke up way too early (about four AM) this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so...

15 min samatha
55 min silent noting

My noting was somewhat more consistently applied throughout the sit than it has been of late, but at a lower rate of frequency (which I blame on being dog-tired). Spent most of the sit really tired but not *too* spacey and I didn't even have a single nodding-off moment - which, frankly, would have been welcome! Started getting lots of little tingles in my hands and face, had some mild swaying/shaking. In between moments of this, I would notice that there would be really fast tingles on my face and a sort of slow, subtle pulse/vibration in my head that *might've* had an audio component as well. There was some spontaneous warming that happened and then my knees started hurting. It was really neat because I went to look at them and as soon as I did that I couldn't even *find* the pain - there was just stuff happening that felt painful when I was further zoomed out. Then the timer went off.

All in all, a pretty productive sit, I think.

30 min samatha
35 min silent noting

So, I didn't manage to sit the other twenty minutes because I was shaking *so* strongly (also, my arms were flailing about). I will try to do a few more minutes later today, but for now I just couldn't cut it.

To the shaking, now. It started as little twitches/spontaneous movements of the body (except some felt like there was volition a split-second before hand, though the volition in question didn't feel like it was mine). Also, as my body started twisting there was some slight feelings of my it taking on warped shapes (maybe like an extra bend in the arm, say). Then it started in earnest and was accompanied by really strong/weird breathing patterns. This is a lot like the prelude to that event I had some years back (which in a conversation with Kenneth was identified as quite possibly being an A&P). So I think I'm on the cusp - I just need to push through it. On the basis of my prior experience, I'd say a couple of weeks to about a month before I have my breakthrough, just need to force myself to stay with it.

30 min samatha
55 min silent noting

Silent noting started off with drowsiness, then some small-scale bodily shaking/twitching/swaying. The mind just did not seem to want to stick to the present today and I had all sorts of reminiscences, doubts about my practice, thoughts as to things needing doing, desire for results, frustration with current stage along the path, etc. Noted them as soon as I could. Have been noticing how intention doesn't just arrive full formed but seems to fade in until whatever its trying to get done is done.

There were a couple of genuinely interesting moments. Had some of the same pressure in my forehead and it's yielding somewhat to investigation. Had a moment of body-stillness and had some *crazy* fast tingles all over my face, which lasted a little while. Also had for a more sustained duration (five minutes or so) this pulse that would show up on the side of my head near my ear and I could notice all sorts of little distinct sub-pulse moments. Uh huh. No A&P though.

55 min silent noting

Sat down, did 3x10, went into noting. Had a lot of drowsiness/sleepiness for the first half of the sit (best guess). As always, noted it as best I could. Developed a strange sensation in my collarbone (the lumpy bit near where it meets the sternum), almost like a pain, but it didn't feel particularly bad, was very solid sensation and it appeared simultaneously with a weird sensation under my jaw. In fact, the way it felt was almost like I had a rod or filament stretched between the two points (I could almost feel that too). Also had some sensations/tenseness(?) in my throat. *shrug*

Then some bodily twitching started happening and I could palpably notice the drowsiness vanishing after that started. Then my mind started running off into stories (which again I noted as best I could) and I feel like I even managed to disembed from a couple of thoughts which strongly implied the existence of an "I". Otherwise some tingling over my face, some good noticing how sounds aren't smooth from a few sirens on emergency vehicles going by, and even some faint flickering of the visual field. Also, lots of doubt thoughts, impatience thoughts, etc.

So, all in all, I guess it really wasn't as bad a sit as I thought it was when I had just finished.

"So, all in all, I guess it really wasn't as bad a sit as I thought it was when I had just finished." -james-ing

James, while reading your report and especially the quote above, this quip from Shinzen Young came to mind: "The good sit is the one you did."

It sounds like you are noting diligently, so you are doing great whether the experience is pleasant or unpleasant.

@Kenneth: (Did I see someone mention "trinary noting" somewhere?) Thanks for the encouragement. Even if you know it's not always going to be sunshine and roses in meditation, you nevertheless deep down hope that it would be, so are always sort of disappointed when it's not. Which is, of course, where dukkha comes from.

In other news, haven't found the time to post practice journals, but this doesn't mean that I haven't been practising! Nothing much out of the ordinary (in term of how my practice has been going) has taken place since I last wrote anyway. I have, however, been making more of an effort to bring mindful awareness into my daily routine (with somewhat mixed results, admittedly), but it's all good. Some is better than none, more is better than some!

55 minutes silent noting

Drowsiness today. I would sink into very deep drowsiness, realize what was going on, perk myself up (open my eyes) and then have it happen again maybe a minute later. Basically the whole of my sit consisted of this process. I didn't ever fall asleep, however (or at least, if I did it didn't cause me to have the tipping-over-followed-by-jerking-awake). So I suppose that's progress there. Also, when I noticed what was going on I automatically would notice some of the 'feel' or characteristics of what that was like. Dreamy, spacey, void of bodily sensation (basically no sense of the body, except perhaps the faintest physical sensations indicating my eyes) - which I suppose is why sleepiness is so attractive to the mind when there is aversion to the practice/bodily discomfort. It feels pretty damn good.

55 minutes silent noting

Stayed up late at a Halloween party last night so I was expecting sleepiness today (and boy did I get it). Pretty well the same deal as yesterday. Did have quite a high-pitched noise for a while, oculd notice little changes in the tone of that fellow. Did get some pretty strong pressure in my forehead (and strongest in the brow area). Paid close attention to that and it was not quite so solid as on previous appearances. It appeared of its own, but as I focused on it it got stronger and when something else caught my attention it pretty much vanished. Anyone have thoughts about this? Am I just straining too hard? Also, at its peak there was some mild weirdness of spatial concept of the body.

Then I had some interesting visual stuff happen. My field of vision would *darken* - I could still see but it was like the lights were low - and then brighten in turns. This darkening also made my cloudy back colour (indigo for me, anyone else get that?) more apparent with eyes open. It was especially apparent at one point when I blinked - instead of a moment of black I had this definite, clear flash of indigo!

I also managed to notice a bunch of volitions welling up (and released them) before they achieved whatever it was they were going to do. I'm assuming these had something to do with my shaking/swaying, actually. So I was catching this impulses and no shaking occurred (unlike most often lately), so I suspect they're connected?

55 minutes silent noting

So, not sleepy today, which was nice. Mental content was my problem this time - I would wind up several thoughts into a reverie before I would notice just what was going on. Nevertheless, I did my best to keep with it. Even though I got lost in thoughts, I still managed to have a couple of sila related insights (e.g. that I actually lie to myself about my motivations a fair bit, that I have something of a need to be right, that I have huge aversion to *other* people's suffering). So all in all I call it a wash. I did notice that these reveries weren't just totally spontaneous, though - they were appealing because I didn't want to pay attention to whatever else was going on.

It seemed that there was a natural attraction to mental stuff today - when not lost in reverie, most of what I noticed was how a thought would be triggered somewhat automatically by some observed thing (sight, sound, etc.). Also noted how the like/dislike/meh evaltuations were very automatic and also quite subtle, or maybe it's that the labels "like", "dislike" seem so clunky and slow compared to the actual phenomena they pick out. The other five sense doors seemed quite muted in comparison. Some weird pulsations of sensations (which were definitely not circulatory system related) across large portions of my left leg, sort of felt like waves (best sort of description). And then my timer went.

All this sounds really good.

Re: trinary noting, maybe you saw something about triples. There is a brief reference in this thread about double, triple and quad noting. Good practice, but particularly if you need to use up more bandwidth:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/47...+noting+instructions

Thanks, Eric!

55 mintues silent noting

Same sort of thing as yesterday, but more on top of mind wandering. When it happened it was definitely a result of boredom with what else was going on. Had some pressure sensations happen, had a fair bit of itching going on (all on my head, curiously). The differences in thought-modality was more apparent today (as in are thoughts verbalized-ish, or seen-ish, or heard-ish). Also noticed that some thoughts were kicking around in a low-level, somewhat insistent form at the edge of awareness before they would really jump out and grab my attention. Also noticed that while they were at the edges of awareness they still contained all the information that they hold when front and centre. So I would notice a thought that (weirdly) encoded "zaphod beeblebrox" hanging out at the periphery, which when it moved into the centre would finally be 'verbalized'.