What am I searching for?

I've taken 3 months off work (at great opportunity cost) to make progress. I even thought I was making progress (and maybe I am), but I no longer know towards what. Maybe y'all can help me clarify my goals (weird, I know) and identify next steps. Now I'll ramble about myself.

* I suffer very little. I occasional feel anxiety (about my future) but virtually no other difficulties. The anxiety, even when strong, doesn't ruin my mood. I take it with humor. I very rarely feel any anger. If this goes on my whole life, I have very little to complain about.

* I desperately want to help. There's a lot of suffering in this world, and I've somehow decided that my whole purpose here is to help fix that. I'm passionate about charity, but want to help in bigger ways.

* I've had a lifelong passion to understand the nature of mind. At age 5 I taught myself to dream lucidly. Growing up, I marveled at how "the real world" was happening "in my head," and that my mind was insubstantial and yet somehow cognizant. I've always believed this mindstream will continue indefinitely. And yet somehow I found ways to suffer, sometimes badly.

* 4 years ago I did an independent 3-month shamatha retreat. Thereafter my mind has been largely calm and lucid. I still went through a period of depression for a year, but the last 2.5 have been delightful.

* Since then, I've been practicing what I thought was Mahamudra, but have (through your help) figured out isn't . As I have not had an experience of non-duality (which I understand is characterized by lack of self and time), I can't legitimately claim to be resting in the natural state.

* So now I'm angry. I thought I was happy, but discovered it was all in my mind!

Just kidding on that last one But it does leave me with the question of what to do for the rest of the year. (Continued)

Top contenders include 1:1 with Kenneth (or others?), help on liberationunleashed.com (no harm trying), more Adyashanti (seems to bark up the Mahamudra tree, minus the requirement of a rigpa recognition). I also intend to follow through with my crazy idea to use Ganzfeld goggles to erase the subject-object duality

I *think* my goal for the end of the year is to have a recognition of rigpa, after which I'll do "short moments many times" throughout my daily life until I can retreat again. And I think the purpose of *that* is to lead to complete awakening at some time in the future. After which I'll be like Superman, flying around, rescuing people from The Matrix.

Or maybe I have my myths mixed up. But you get the drift . What say you, noble ones?

I'd either work one on one with an experienced teacher for a while and/or start a consistent practice journal thread on this forum; via either strategy getting some consistent input over a period of a few months to get yourself re-oriented and figure out what's missing and what practice strategy will be most useful for sorting things out. My two cents.

Monktastic, you seem to be trying really, really hard. I suggest a walk in the park. Sit down under a tree and just be for a while..... every day

> Monktastic, you seem to be trying really, really hard. I suggest a walk in the park. Sit down under a tree and just be for a while..... every day

Haha yeah. I spend hours a day (remember, I'm on retreat) "trying" to just be. I go on walks, "trying" to just be. Even when the sense of trying goes, there's one eye open checking to make sure I'm not trying. Every now and then I think "screw it," and then there's a great relief. But then I remember that I'm on retreat "for a reason," and the trying starts again. Even if one were to tell me via skillful means to "just give up," my mind would intercept it and try to find meaning there.

Anyway, now I'm rambling. I'm going to go back to listening to music. Right now it feels like I *am* the music, and that's a nice feeling.

It sounds to me like you've cleared away some of the gross level forms of suffering over the past few years, have reached a new plateau, want to make progress, and are a bit lost. You think that more practice will get you more progress, but it is difficult to know what to practice and how to judge progress.

This is when you should get a teacher.

If you just want the refuge of a short daily practice, then maybe a teacher isn't as necessary, but if you are trying to make progress, you'll probably bang your head against the wall trying to "figure it out" for yourself. Taking 3 months off for progress can create a lot of self-imposed pressure, which never helps. I've done the same thing in my life and without a teacher... and it was a disaster.

So, I would enjoy the three months off as best I could, practice or no practice. If I wanted to do intense practice I would get a teacher to check in with and/or develop a basic daily practice and post here for advice and encouragement. I would also try to make peace with the idea "I had three months off and I made no progress in meditation" -- see what comes up when you have that thought. It will probably help show you where your interests and intents are.

Take your time before you push onward. "Well begun is half done."

And walk in parks, movies, and talks with friends is good stuff, too.

"I would also try to make peace with the idea "I had three months off and I made no progress in meditation" -- see what comes up when you have that thought. It will probably help show you where your interests and intents are. "

Awesome post. Thank you for that.

Asking myself this question (which somehow I thought of but didn't do until you suggested it) brings up some crazy ideas about what my girlfriend, parents, friends, and the world at large will think not only about me and my progress, but about the value of meditation in general. Ludicrous thoughts, the lot. It reminds me that I don't owe it to anybody, even myself, to accomplish anything. Really believing this is the only way I can relax.

Greg Goode has an interesting suggestion. Something like: approach non-dual inquiry with all the joy and levity of a treasure hunt, but with the urgency of a man whose head is being held under water. I usually forget the first half