Sam's practice

Hi,

I wanted to start a practice log to help me to work at this more seriously.

Previous experience: Have been playing with various kinds of meditation, emotional processing techniques and self enquiry for a good few years before but without any real consistency and a couple of bad habits which seemed to keep me stuck. They have been beneficial for mental and physical health reasons but it's obvious that playing around with whatever method is most appealing and then ditching it a couple of weeks later for something new isn't going to lad to any real mastery.

Where I am now: Started getting interested in Mahasi Vipassana about a year ago, earlier this year I managed to get a noting practice going with consistency. Had some meetings with Ron Crouch which were very helpful in understanding the technique and clarifying some questions I had. Unfortunately due to other life pressures I decided after a couple of months I decided I didn't want to risk destabilising myself further and switched to a much easier basic concentration style practice. Now I am back and ready to work hard. Started meditating again a couple of months ago, and in about 3 weeks I will be going on retreat for 8 days in the Mahasi style. I am currently doing 3x30 minute noting sits per day and want to ramp this up to 3x1 hour before the retreat.

I can't honestly say I have got anywhere on the path of insight so far. Meditation has helped me in a lot of other ways so I'm not too disappointed by this but I am curious why and what I can do about it. I feel the noting practice that I'm doing now (from start to finish of the sit, silently) is the right thing, though I'm not sure if it would be useful to fit some concentration practice in there also to help with the retreat,

Ok that's it for now, I will update later with a more thorough description of my experience during sitting. Thanks!

Welcome Sam. I look forward to hearing about your practice. You will get a lot of help here!

Hi. Sounds like you are ready to get it done. I admire you committing to an 8 day retreat, I have yet to lay it out on the line quite like that. The dosage level you are at right now will definitely do some stuff if you stick with it.

Hi Sam,
I'm also pretty new to here, but it's a great and supportive environment. Just keep plugging away at the method and don't worry too much about getting results, they'll come in their own time. Worry instead about what's going on *right now* (which includes worry about future results)!

Hi all, thanks for the kind welcomes and encouragement.

Today was my 3x30 minutes. There was nothing to really differentiate one from the other, except the middle one was best. To describe what happens: I sit on my stool and start noting, probably once every 2-3 seconds. It flits between physical sensations (itch, ache), thoughts (planning, judging, confusion etc) and some emotion as well as pleasure/displeasure. I clarified that I just have to watch, nonetheless the way it usually goes is first half I'm fairly faithful with continual noting and second half attention wanes. It feels like I'm in a cloudy dark headspace and can generally note what is happening for about 20-30 seconds before I get 'hi-jacked' by something coming in a direction I wasn't looking in. I can fairly quickly realise what has happened so note it and begin again. I would generally say most of the meditation feels satisfactory, warm and fuzzy. Occasionally it is unpleasant in some way, though more due to factors like discomfort, impatience and confusion than anything weird like repressed memories. And if I go for a while in 'not aware' space and realise it it is usually something mundane and uninteresting.

Nothing big and weird to report today. Tomorrow is 3x40 min.

40 minutes this morning. I ignored my alarm so woke up late and felt a bit frustrated for it to end.

60 minutes this lunchtime was better. I managed to settle into a steady rhythm. Always after ten minutes or so I begin to feel a little bit underwater, maybe it's because my legs are falling asleep but it usually feels good like an increase in circulation. About midway through perceptions begin to do weird things like distort in shape and size or merge into other senses. For example the sensation in my legs begins to feel like something I'm looking at in the depths of my mind. In this sit I stopped noting regularly at that point and decided to investigate the sensations for a bit longer (I'm not sure whether or not this is the best strategy) to see if I could feel the flickering. Generally yes I can, but it happens far too quickly to be able to count, and sometimes it feels as though I am imagining and making it happen. One phenomena which is usually with me is a steady ringing in the ears, though not unpleasant. It pulses and varies slightly in tone, and I would like to hang out with it for a while, but I'm committed to the choiceless noting and there is usually something else to look at.

One more observation is that if I do 1 hour or less a day it is much harder to maintain awareness in daily life than it is when doing it more than an hour. This seems like a good investment in time.

As everyone will tell you, it doesn't matter *what* is going on, so long as you keep noting it. Paying close attention to a sensation (an itch say) is a good exercise *especially* if it seems solid - we want to see through that. This is actually totally valid insight practice and can be integrated with a more general choiceless awareness sort of approach. For example, I will sit and let whatever appears appear, but if something seems solid or insistent (as in it seems to draw attention quite naturally) then I will let attention rest on that without trying to exclude other objects as they pop through awareness. Then when attention wanders to something else (as it always does) I just observe that. The only other thing to say is to be aware *also* of what it is like to "decide" to stick with an object/move on.

"sometimes it feels as though I am imagining and making it happen" - Investigate that feeling. Are there volitional moments that are tipping you off that you might be doing that? Or are these just doubt-thoughts spinning stories?

"One phenomena which is usually with me is a steady ringing in the ears, though not unpleasant. It pulses and varies slightly in tone, and I would like to hang out with it for a while, but I'm committed to the choiceless noting and there is usually something else to look at." - Two things to say. In addition to what I said about about focusing, you could also try to be really clear in a split-second way about when you are actually *with* the ringing and when you are with something else entirely. This is a really interesting thing to note. Also, while not giving yourself excuses to deviate fromm your chosen practice, pay attention also to those thoughts that say "nope, don't do that."

"One phenomena which is usually with me is a steady ringing in the ears, though not unpleasant. It pulses and varies slightly in tone, and I would like to hang out with it for a while, but I'm committed to the choiceless noting and there is usually something else to look at." -Sam12S

Good input from James about this (above). Here is another thought: don't interpret choiceless noting to mean that you must never stay with an object. This would be, in fact, disastrous; you occasionally have to stay with something long enough to deconstruct it. Otherwise you'll always be floating at the surface of your experience. Allow yourself to settle into that ringing in your ears, or some other sensation or phenomenon. Get concentrated into it and watch it break up into its component parts. This is essential vipassana. Remember the simile of the rope, where the rope turns out to be a line of ants crossing the road. Drill down. Even choicelessness is not something to get attached to.

Hi James and Kenneth, thanks for your replies.

@James-ing: Thanks for the clarification, you have helped me to see a few areas of unconscious decision making that was happening. It feels as though it is important to be aware of the different angles and directions that intentions are moving in. I will mull over, especially being clear when I am with something and not with it. Part of my concern was that while I realise that just attention is the most important aspect (facilitated by noting), the quality of that attention varies. For example, waking up from a daydream I may work backwards and lazily throw out a few notes which roughly match the description. I'm trying to overcome this by briefly noting 'missed' then moving back to present.

"Investigate that feeling. Are there volitional moments that are tipping you off that you might be doing that? Or are these just doubt-thoughts spinning stories?" It's difficult to know. I try and relax and focus in, and it feels a bit like static on an old tv screen. I'm aware of change but couldn't hope to count the dots. So I'm not 100% on some sensations, beyond the normal ebb and flow and change, at least not yet.

@Kenneth: On the same subject, thanks for the clarification, it's very helpful to confirm what is good practice and how to go about it.

Up early today and already completed two 50 minute sits.

1) Fell out of bed and onto meditation stool. Unfortunately it felt like I was still half asleep and would be tempted tomorrow to spend some time on concentration to wake up, or at least take a shower. Not much to tell apart from it was easy to fall into day dreams. I kept making the effort to pull back up, and could hold it for a while before slipping back into awake unsconsciousness. Normal phenomena.

2) After a run and breakfast. This was much better. I was able to note fairly presently and consistently, using some of the tips I've been presented here. I'm post-aware of falling into planning thoughts which I'm trying to create labels for to help watch out for. eg. imagining the message I will put on the board to describe the meditation, or to other people: telling, visual image, satisfaction/dissatisfaction, self-judging, etc... I'm trying to make the notes not long after the phenomena arise. If there is something juicy in mind, like something I need to do shortly after I finish sitting, it is much more difficult to stay observational, though with the help of noting I'm managing to exercise more control (+noting this intention). The physical sensations as mentioned above tend to be either liquid moving around at slower or faster speeds, or gas which is buzzing around too fast to really discriminate.

One more 50 minute sit later, tomorrow I'm breaking into 3x1 hour, hope I can keep up with it.

Last night another 30 before tea then 15 before bed. I had some anxiety before falling asleep about this practice, and what kind of a serious undertaking it might be. Feel fine about it now.

This morning resolved to get up at 5.30 to do an hour. Actually woke at 4.15 so decided to do it and go back to bed (since on retreat it's 3.30 start anyway). I only managed 30 min of weak noting, but still figure it's getting the effort working so not a waste of time.

Just completed 45 minutes, which again is not as much as I wanted to do and have another 1:45 hours to do today. I need to figure out a better and realistic schedule that I can stick to. I was thinking 30 min on rising and before bed, then 2 1 hour sits throughout day may be realistic. Or maybe work up to 2x 1.5 hours.

Anyway during practice today at one point an angry story was being played, which I became aware of halfway through. I was able to note some of the separate parts of it such as visual images and also the intention to note rather than let it play out. Then I went looking for the anger feeling. I'm good at locating a lot of emotional areas like anxiety and sadness but anger has alway been more difficult. Managed to focus in on an area of interest in the chest which felt like a viscous moving liquid in the chest, kind of numbing and not that intense. The liquid feeling seemed to disperse and within it felt a bit like heartburn. I was able I believe to begin feeling the separate pulses that made it up. Still feels too fast to guess how many but it feels like I can be more definite that I was feeling the ants instead of the rope, though with still a little doubt remaining. I hope the my sensory discrimination improves further as I practice on.

"Fell out of bed and onto meditation stool. Unfortunately it felt like I was still half asleep and would be tempted tomorrow to spend some time on concentration to wake up, or at least take a shower. Not much to tell apart from it was easy to fall into day dreams. I kept making the effort to pull back up, and could hold it for a while before slipping back into awake unsconsciousness. Normal phenomena."

My habit is to do some exercise before meditation. It gets the energy up for it. When I first wake up often I'm a basket case. By the time I've done stretching and toning I'm more alert. Even on retreat I'll make sure I'm up and doing at least 15 minutes of stretching before that first sit of the day.

Good luck!

"felt like I was still half asleep and would be tempted tomorrow to spend some time on concentration to wake up, or at least take a shower. Not much to tell apart from it was easy to fall into day dreams." -Sam12S

Try walking meditation for 10 minutes to wake up. Just walk and note the same way you would if you were sitting.

edit: Just saw JLaurelC's post. Right!

Thanks Laurel and Kenneth.

Having problems with motivation since yesterday afternoon. Seems I can do 20 minute quite easily but after that for some reason I've already decided to quit. So I've been doing lots of short sits, 4 so far today, though about to push for a longer one. Needs more determination. The meditation itself is neither good or bad, not particularly focused. A lot of daydreaming and not a lot of laser focus. Will keep going.

My focus and resolve are slowly returning. Back to 3 to 4 30 minute sits per day. On the one hand I want to establish a good momentum for the retreat in 2 weeks time today, on the other don't want to burn out and lose enthusiasm.

I've been noticing more how tricky and complex thoughts are, if I look there is other stuff going on, visual images, opposing intentions, colours, contractions, emotions and sensations in different areas of the body. So I've gotten a little better a noticing them and classifying them and actually paying attention to them, and it feels like I'm going a little deeper. Found myself getting images and feelings of subtle memories which had been forgotten, old people from the past and that kind of thing. Also I have tried noticing when it feels like there is a me doing this, and if that is a visual image or a feeling or what.

I got a couple of moments of anxiety/excitement where it felt like something was about to happen, which felt like a sort of intense focus that isn't common for me. Learning to note 'expectation' and 'disappointment' and 'ordinary focus' when they arise soon after.

Back to low resolve! Only magaed 2 half hours yesterday, today is a struggle even getting started. I have plenty of time later to sit. Think I will make it real easy and start with a 20 minute, then if that goes good a 40 later. Off cushion I will try and note as and when I think of it. Also I have noticed drinking alcohol the night before doesn't help.

30 minutes this morning, 45 this afternoon. All of my sits seem similar to me. I fairly quickly get the warm and fuzzy feeling especially in my hands and head, fairly wide and open sense of focus. I go through periods of good focus, feeling connected to what I'm noting. Probably there is more time absent but it feels this is improving. There is a sense of satisfaction and enjoyment from the practice which I'm grateful for. I have practiced mindfulness plenty before this specific style so I think I am quite equanimous, even if I'm not at equanimity. If there is progression it is that I'm enjoying meditation more and feeling a knock on effect in daily life, but can't say my perception feels to have changed in any way yet, except perhaps gotten slightly sharper and more relaxed.

45 minutes this morning. Felt comfortable. Warm and easy. Nothing aversive but there were a few occasions I started thinking and really wanted to let the story play out to a conclusion before I could go back to awareness of it. Trying outloud noting seemed to be helpful for this and I will try to remember for next time. Objects feel like bubbles; if I'm not paying attention I'm either missing them entirely or slipping into the bubble and identifying with it. If I can get close enough to the edge of the bubble it feels like I'm doing a good job. Or to put it in another analogy, it's like lifting weights, a hard repetition but one which you know you did well and feel satisfied for.

Still no definite sense of vibration. I note that phenomena comes and goes but haven't got to the point where it feels like I can observe each grain of an experience, more the sense that there is a lot of grain but without the ability to differentiate.

I've not been updating lately as I haven't been doing as much. I have a retreat coming in a weeks time and for some reason that has made me lose motivation to do formal sitting, so have just been doing 20-30 minutes 2/3 times per day for the last few days. I don't think there is much to report. There is still the confusion, attachments, itches, daydreaming, etc.. which I try to note, but overall it feels good (though I guess not good enough for me to do as many hours as intended). Daily life awareness continues to improve, and I try to note whilst going about activities (washing up, driving, etc) as best I can. Overall experiencing less stress and more enjoyment. I'm really grateful for the noting technique to keep me present.

I've not been updating lately as I haven't been putting in that much practice, just one or two twenty minute sessions a day. I'm going on retreat tomorrow which I think may be why I've lost motivation to do too much beforehand. Anyway hope I have some interesting updates when I'm back.

Came back from retreat a couple of days ago and I've just been settling back in to normal life. It was a very well taugh and ran retreat, with the usual restrictions of silence, no eating after midday etc. As well as the meditation instructions there was a lot of very useful instruction on staying mindful throughout the day, such as during eating and falling asleep. Anyway down to the meditation, here is an abbreviated account:

Day 0 (evening): Lots of strange imagery and dreamlike confusion which I managed to keep noting. It seemed quite intense which was probably something to do with the expectations of the coming week.

Day 1: Started similar to last night, some confusion as to what to note as there were periods where each sense felt insubstantial and was frequently replaced by something equally insubstantial, which had the effect of disorientating me. I put a lot of effort in to keep noting. Later sits contained more in the way of dullness and lethargy, though no tiredness (at all during the week strangely). Some doubts occurring which I worked hard to note instead of letting play out. As the day went on sitting began to get painful in knees and back.

Day 2: The aches and pains continued, middle back especially which seemed to tighten up the ribs and make breathing effortful. Not experienced this before and continued to to the end of the retreat, although sometimes it didn't effect me at all. Later on in the day in one sit I find focusing on objects they become fast and flashy and I begin to get a lot of visuals, lots of little yellow lights. The gunnk in my head of all the senses appears to be travelling in a pleasing direction, instead of all over the place as usual. Later the pain intensified making concentration difficult.

Day 3: Lots of pain in the morning, leading me to using a chair later. Feeling drained. The mind seems quieter and what is experienced seems shadowy and not solid-

-Concentration better. Later on I get some 'micro-shudders' going into my spine and shoulders. I think I interpret them as: I have a feeling, which I make some kind of judgement about (expectation?) and then the juddering is some kind of muscular feedback.

Day 4: First few sessions very physically hard, then I receive a note saying if I have to change position more thn twice I should quietly move to the chair. For some reason this seems to give me a kind of resolve and the pain largely disappears, and the next few sits are easy. Noting feels mixed, sometimes easy sometimes hard. It is largely physical sensation and dreamlike imagery with the doubt and confusion coming in. The contents is nothing interesting in other words. Last couple of sessions I get weird sensations that feel as though my skull is being crushed then pierced with an electric rod under the chin.

Day 5:Receive clarification on noting to try and be calm and note whatever the over-riding driving sensation in that moment is, for example if it's pain and frustration occurring simultaneously pick whichever feels more relevant to the ability to note (I think). Later on I start checking the aches and pains and the flickring felt clear. Checked around the body and the flickering was available in each sensation, more easily felt than usual. The whole torso was flickering and also I began to get very detailed visuals which seemed to flicker in time with the sensations. Exploring my imagination to see how the rest of the room felt I realised my perception was quite altered in terms of size and perspective, which made me feel a little drunken. This didn't happen again in the next sit, nor in any others. I'm not sure what to make of it.

Day 6+7: These were tough in some ways as it felt as though my resolve was down, in anticipation of going home. I wasn't meditating as well as before though I made the effort, nothing interesting happened.

A little disappointed in myself now in retrospect for taking that attitude but it is what it is. I felt like I was back to trying to learn the technique, rather than really executing it, which I guess isn't time badly spent.

Overall I was pleased to go home, and feel like the benefits will take a while to settle. I have a couple of questions and doubts which I will raise on general discussion forum shortly. I've just been doing short sits since then. Will get back to regular updates from tomorrow.

Nothing exciting happening, just 2x30 minute sits each day. Sometimes it goes a bit trippy or intense. I realised that I can zero in on sensations and find the blinking/undulating quality of them fairly quickly now but sometimes it doesn't feel like the right thing to do, a bit too much efforting. Less so with imagery and sounds. I'm pleased how much better my concentration is for the task since coming back.

Just spent a week dithering over 'the right practice' and realised I was already doing it. Ah Mahasi noting, stop thinking about it and do it. Continuing on with a minimum of 40 minutes a day of committed noting. All other practices which I have done and enjoyed in the past can be done in my own time now. Progress over the last few weeks? Don't know but I'm feeling fine.