Letting go into the stream - A second practice journal.

This is my second practice journal - my first can be found here: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/45...Seraching+for+Stream

Last year I did a six week retreat where I gained Stream Entry, came home and really lost my practice. This year I just got back from the same six week retreat. The short and quick of this retreat was letting go of all the stuff I lumped on during the year, getting into equanimity which shifted into 3rd gear practice. After talking with a fellow yogi who happens to be a KFD practitioner I realized more what I was experiencing and spent the last 3 days of the retreat mostly in 3rd gear.

From my experience 3rd gear is peace. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go. Pleasant and unpleasant have an underlying neutral, and thus lack real power. Its like resting in natural great peace. There does not seem to be an "I" present in 3rd gear, but some small conceit of "I" remains. No-self is very evident in others when I look for it, this brings a lot of compassion. I clearly see when I cause myself suffering in more subtle ways, a lot more having to do with my personality and conditioning, ex: I want this person to think a certain way about me. Awareness is easy to maintain and I feel in 3rd gear most of the time, but it does fade when talking most of the time, but comes right back when I stop. However when working with it I can maintain it more and more while talking.

I have just gotten off the retreat, and traveled home yesterday. There is interest in seeing how well 3rd gear practice can be maintained as the retreat gets further and further away. But this peace, this state seems to always be available. Its the underlying essence of everything, and we only tarnish it with craving.

3x 30min sits thru out day.

Looking into the mirror no one is looking back. Peace.

Notes from last sit: Lots of thoughts at start, they settle. Get lost in thought briefly a few times but other then that awareness is present whole sit. very peaceful. OK with whatever arises as it is. Sensations arise and pass in space, no body. Pleasant tingling / vibrating in hands. Focusing on it brings pleasant tingling and light to head.

12/3

30m sit - no notes
45m - Thoughts pop up thru out, only a few are sticky and awareness dissolves them. A calm peaceful center underlies everything arises. Seem to come out of a deeper state when timer goes off.

60m - Thoughts settle over sit. Hands feel very cold but eventually warm up and begin to tingle. Feeling breath on upper lip causes bright lights to arise and a pleasant dense sensation in back of head. Feel very selfy at one point and ask "what is this?" and seem to lose the selflyness and be back in 3rd gear.

Awareness is very present off the cushion thru out the day, its effortless, even when reading a book. No-self is obvious in everyone I see when looking for it, which is very interesting when talking with family and friends. When I "see like an artist" whatever I am looking at can be the most amazing thing in the world, even if its a wall. At times it seems I am inhabiting a moving painting. I see nothing to do and nowhere to go, so I dwell in peace in the present moment.

12/4
Seem to be at peace all day, awareness is effortless, and I see more clearly how I cause myself suffering. Right now it feels like I am bringing the background into the foreground, while the foreground is going to the background - heard it mentioned in the Hurricane Ranch Talks.

30m - Very calm and peaceful near end. When opening up awareness there is just a body sitting, just sensations arising and passing in space. Not me, not mine.

30m - Ask "who am I?" dense sensation in upper back of head, focus there. Everything else goes to the background. Sensation starts to grow stronger and pulse. 10 minutes later ask again and shift focus to behind eyes. harder to hold here and keep asking. Bright lights and some pleasant tingling. calm and peaceful.

45m - Open awareness. Noticed frustration arising due to lots of thoughts. Quickly dropped right thinking "it is what it is". At one point lots of pulling pressure on third eye area and bright lights.

30m - Become very very calm and peaceful, very pleasant sensations all over - but subdued. Some thoughts but they float by.

30m - Sometime into sit feel focused and calm and a subtle light but very pleasurable sensation slow arises. My eyes seem to roll up and there is a small quick sensation in my head and an accompanying sound that I describe as a shift or crack. Then the pleasure is gone and only the focused calm remains. I dwell in it.

12/5

30m - No real answer or sensations to witness questions. Mind settles and becomes clear over sit. Some pleasant body tingling arises, fades to a deeper calm.

30m - Thoughts settle. Things are as they are. Sensations arise and pass in space, I rest.

Feel as if I entered some dark night territory after dinner. A subtle thought "this is not enough" arose and a little of anxiety in chest area. It also just feels like dark night.

45m Sangha - No sit notes, but I do feel drained afterwords and like I just don't care about anything.

Dark night stuff seems to fade and I go back to resting in the moment.

This partially feels like it could be a spiritual trap. I don't feel like im doing anything or going anywhere. But then I look closer and see there's not really anything to do or anywhere to go. I am have quite a bit less Dukkha and seem to just rest peacefully here and now. I still see lots of "work" that needs to be done, both on the path and in my personal life, but feel this is a great place to work on it from.

12/6

Always seem to feel very selfy for the first few minutes after I wake up, but being mindful of the body for a bit the concrete idea of self fades.

45m - Thoughts never seem to settle but background awareness remains. 5m of noting seems to have 3rd gear aspects of openness and wide attention. Can't hold onto sensations in brow area while to to do 2ed gear so red in 3rd gear.

45m - Sit 36m, stop early. Lots of thoughts, cant seem to settle. Tired and thirsty.


12/7
30m- Light body tingling turns into subtle vibrations. Sadness and agitation fade. The idea or sense of a body fades leaving sensations in space thoughts turn wispy.

30m - 15m of following breath. Become concentrated, pleasant body tingling arises. At one point feel it might envelope me, but it never does. Switch to open awareness, very light and calm. That fades and I get "deeper in" cant recall after.


12/8
30m - Follow breath for 5m, thoughts settle some. Switch to open awareness. After 15m become bored and restless which makes me frustrated. Thoughts of doing something else are very distracting.

12/9
30m - Follow breath for a bit then switch to witness, then open awareness. Bound around all 3 for a bit but feel I need to settle on one. Stay with open awareness, become calm, big mind. Just a body sitting and breathing. The five aggregates arise and pass. Feel something underlying them all, the space surrounding everything. Peaceful, unchanging.

30m - Open awareness. Pleasant body tingling arises and grows stronger. Most of the tingling and vibrations are in hands, move focus there. tingling fades to very slow vibrations in hands, no sensations elsewhere. Vibrations become quick and subtle. Strong fear arises, turns into strong disgust. That fades into equanimity where everything is OK and somewhat pleasant. Hands begin to have pleasant tingling sensations again.

I noticed my practice beginning to slip, and myself fall back into old habit patterns, managed to maintain a daily sitting practice.

Begin working with my teacher on the Jhanas, and devolved some goals to work on. For about the last 10 days I have been sitting 2 hours, one hour in the morning and one in the evening.

Overall I notice there is much more awareness thru out the day, seems easy to rest in 3rd gear, just letting things be as they are. If I notice any tension I come back to the body and watch it melt away.

Looking back to when I went on retreat in late October there has been a huge shift. I am much more calm, aware and present. There is quite a bit less desire, and a lot less thinking. I feel "connected" to the emptiness, or "true nature" most of the time, kind of living in both "spaces" - its still hard for me to describe the experiences.

In my sits I focus on the breath until concentrated then focus on the piti (1st jhana) and expand it all over the body, sometimes it becomes very strong, shifting to the happiness (2ed jhana) piti fades leaving a pure warm happy feeling that feels much better then piti, letting go that I focus on the calm peacefulness (3rd jhana) which feels like home to me, and I can more easily get locked deep into it. Sometimes its hard to concentrate and I spend most of the sit focused on the breath. Only up to 3rd Jhana with my teacher so just trying to deepen them.