Giulio B. pre-practice journal

  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92744 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal

"Giulio B.":2478612q wrote: The last post was 15 days ago and the practice in the meantime has been zero. I'm closing the journal, perhaps for a few months. I don't know what's going on (of course - if i knew i would be enlightened or something like that). Very very very very very very very very very very basically though, the aversion, frustration, fear of failure, hopelessness and that kind of stuff have been too strong and BENT my motivational circuits into fearing vipàssana. Experience has showed me that this is beyond whatsoever control. Now I can feel this is the end of a down-cycle and a new up-cycle began (probably lasting a week minimum - and - i'm not bipolar, i'm talking about cycles of aversion to meditation), however i'm probably not going to update this journal again until i've made extremely and inarguably tangible progress. I'll most likely continue with noting, and some other things that I have in mind. Anyway, the general future direction is: [i:2478612q]see[/i:2478612q].[/quote:2478612q]
I have changed idea. Without some social pressure i end up doing nothing... due to my instability i didn't feel good about posting here but i have asked, and they have told me it was ok, so ok the diary is re-opened.

1) I’m currently doing KF’s “texting”, in substitution of noting aloud which gets my mouth too dry. I also do silent noting and somewhat alternate between the two (not in the same session though). This before going to bed.
2) I bought a comfortable beach chair and, while "texting", take note of arising formations in a shortened code-like format, so the process goes on a little faster.
3) Due to some ego-softening I have experienced recently (psychoactives...), i feel more capable about practicing metta so i'll most probably start experimenting with it in the following days, with the instruction from the website alohadharma. This would add up to the noting/texing in peculiar days when i feel up to.
4) I'll update this diary weekly because it's less stressful, with some relevant data.

TY

The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92745 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Weekly report.

- I've regularly done Noting for 7 days, before going to bed. 20 minutes the first four days, 30 minutes the last three days. The first time it was paper-based "texting". The second time I've noted aloud. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth silently. The seventh, today, aloud.

- Three out of the seven noting sessions were made while in notable anguish-dominated states. These are the same that made me drop the practice in the past (for both a day and long periods of time). What always happened is that i gave up for one to several days and either stayed at the PC (discrete painkiller) or got high (ultimate painkiller).

- Today's session: Wild. Lots of fear and judgment. The latter typically concerns the Noting itself. Truckloads of worry. Some laughs after recognizing very fast or predictable phenomena. Some strange happiness. A little empathy here and there. Gratefulness towards all the people who have helped me here. More worry, hopelessness. Fantasizing, some tears, wanting to stop. Disturbing images -> hopelessness. Hope. Feeling that i was noting really well and making progress with it -> worry again (this is not just "worry", it's more like a punch in the stomach, lol). Feeling like I want to do it again -> worry (fear to be hopeless). Lots of "knowing" (when i can't find a note). Note: my noting is a little on the skeletal side, this is because many thoughts are very specific, and I can't find categories to put them in without spending time to think about it.

- I can't stop thanking in my head a lot of people, recently Ona Kieser and limbic. Just thanks. Wednesday i should be having a meeting with Kenneth.
The topic has been locked.
  • Ona
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92746 by Ona
Replied by Ona on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Consistency and persistence make a big difference... <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92747 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Thank you Ona. I foresee that in some time I will develope a sort of resistance to noting again. This tour though I'm more prepared, because I've seen it happen already once or twice with some (minimal) clarity.
The past 8 days: done 30 minutes of noting aloud each day, and missed one.

- The noting tonight was quite steady. It seems it is getting generally steadier.
- Some evenings I'm at a point at which, given any moment, I can tell what's happening in matter of... i think around 1 second.
- Sometimes I have understood why Daniel I. was talking about a frequency up to 10Hz for the &quot;first set of vibrations&quot;... some things are there for a split of a second. &quot;Judging thoughts&quot; are usually one such category. No really a lot of things seem to go that fast.
- Most of the times the noting is lagging, enough to give space to 1-2 further phenomena right before the start of a note. Being the noting loud, i can't go any faster than that anyway.
- Intrusive reactions such as urges (to wet the lips, to do, to move...) and some emotions like strong versions of &quot;hopelessness&quot;, have enormous power. It's like, for an arachnophobic, seeing a nasty spider crawling inside his clothes. The reaction is completely distorting. It looks like some kind of meaningless primordial fear. Suffering is somewhere inside there. Again there's a question that returns to me over and over, what is suffering. This is not a question that has a logical sense though... It's more like a feeling that something I don't know is going on.
- After 30 minutes i'm completely K.O.
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92748 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
6-days report. Done 5, skipped 1. All of them consisted in 30 minutes of noting aloud. Three significant sessions:

1) From a state of strong aversion at the beginning the noting got fast, precise, and sort of automaticized. It may have been among the peaks or the peak so far. I felt a persistent perceptual distortion, where I was &quot;sinking&quot; on my chair and getting flatter to the ground.

2) This one was dominated by aversion. I switched halfway into assessing its intensity from 0 to 5. I did that, truly, because I wanted to escape. It didn't happen so I got more frustrated.

3) Today's one: a nice depressive evening (feeling mostly hopelessness); I postponed noting and listened to music instead (painkiller). Then went into the meditation room. I felt a strong resistance to sit down on the chair. So I walked around it in circles, talking to myself about how I was feeling, aloud. After a while I realized that I was catching my mind states one after another. So I was encouraged and sat down, to begin the session (would have done it anyways, sooner or later). It started out with big aversion formations, which at a point made me want to interrupt it and do &quot;texting&quot; instead which is easier. But then a thought: &quot;No! whatever happens, stick with this!&quot; So I continued and the noting got somewhat precise. I know what the patterns with which phenomena arise are. The only thing I can do I think is to continue with this.
The topic has been locked.
  • Russell
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92749 by Russell
Replied by Russell on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Wow Giulio, this sounds like great progress. (even though it may not feel like it) Seeing that aversion, sticking with it, and noting it is the name of the game. Good work. Keep up the momentum!
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92750 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal

&quot;Russell&quot;:16k1pq2l wrote: Seeing that aversion, sticking with it, and noting it is the name of the game. Good work. Keep up the momentum![/quote:16k1pq2l]
Thank you.

This is a special post (out of the weekly report program): I'm about to note for 30 minutes, I'm feeling some aversion towards it, and this is how it is:

It seems the fear arises out of memories of past experiences with noting. Images of me short of breath, lips dry, feeling hot all over and somewhat aching are glancing here and there. There are thoughts that say &quot;I'm f*ed&quot;, &quot;Negative emotions/phenomena cannot be prevented or stopped so what's the point&quot;, *fear of failing at this/ of being too f* up to be ever able to succeed in meditation&quot; etc. No I've learned that I don't have to believe these things. Again thoughts about being &quot;hopelessly messed up&quot;. Again. Noting randomly and *frustration because &quot;this is not deep at all&quot;*. *Sadness because &quot;bad stuff is essentially unavoidable&quot;. A slight self-recrimination: &quot;I should think more positively&quot;. A similar one: &quot;I'm not even able to sort this out!&quot;. Worry because of a complex cause, that manifests as a repetitive pattern however. Thought: &quot;I'm blocked in a maze! the same stuff comes up over and over!&quot;. Among other phenomena, a split-second emotion arose... I can't remember it anymore. Aversion is building up because of this. Aching. Getting nervous because of aching. Complex (known) fears.

It looks like that thought is constantly seeking a way out, and when it says that there isn't any, there emotions come to strike. It looks like aching (of the spinal column) is making split-second thoughts and images to arise, and these are projected to the future (&quot;will I feel aching forever?&quot;), and this tastes like &quot;I don't want to decay!&quot;. Now worries about real-life duties. Tension. Heat. Doubt whether to note &quot;aching&quot;. &quot;I'm messed up&quot;. *Not wanting to write down irrelevant notes*. *Frustration because you can't modify the world&quot;. Fears. Thought: &quot;Aching/tension is mounting up, in a minute i'll snap&quot;. Verbal thoughts. Fears. Images representing decay. A very repetitive fear, somewhat complex and embarassing. &quot;I said 'somewhat' to many times&quot; -&gt; embarassment -&gt; self-bashing -&gt; embarassment. Image representing decay. Thought: &quot;I'm f*&quot;. &quot;I'm going to snap in a short time&quot;. *Guilt* for imaging the snap. A social-oriented emotion. Specific fear. Thoughts that try to justify the situation. Conflicting thoughts. Thought again. Again: &quot;this is useless&quot;. Judgement -&gt; frustration because &quot;I note a lot of 'judgment', but nothing changes!&quot;. &quot;This is crazy&quot;. Curiosity arising. Emotions, thoughts, frustration. Thoughts. I'd like to say a &quot;fuck you&quot; to my own mind.

Ok I'm going now.

Update.
Done, what happened: more or less the same stuff as above. I noted calmly and slowly, on purpose. It worked better. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts... saying crazy things, all sort of things. Tomorrow evening is the next appointment.

The topic has been locked.
  • Ona
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92751 by Ona
Replied by Ona on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
I used to find spiders so loathsome I couldn't even stand to look at a photo of one. But even something as revolting as a spider is actually quite a fascinating creature if you study it closely. They have iridescent eyes, multi-colored hairs, they can spring and jump in amazing ways, they shoot webbing out of their bodies (which is just bafflingly miraculous, if you ask me), and the way they hunt and catch things is really clever. You have a fascinating set of mental experiences to study. Even if they feel unpleasant, they are really interesting! They will be less unpleasant, eventually, as you become more fascinated by the incredible workings of the human mind.
The topic has been locked.
  • Russell
  • Topic Author
7 years 10 months ago #92752 by Russell
Replied by Russell on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Boo!
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92753 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal

&quot;Ona&quot;:crp7pt0f wrote: I used to find spiders so loathsome I couldn't even stand to look at a photo of one. But even something as revolting as a spider is actually quite a fascinating creature if you study it closely. They have iridescent eyes, multi-colored hairs, they can spring and jump in amazing ways, they shoot webbing out of their bodies (which is just bafflingly miraculous, if you ask me), and the way they hunt and catch things is really clever. You have a fascinating set of mental experiences to study. Even if they feel unpleasant, they are really interesting! They will be less unpleasant, eventually, as you become more fascinated by the incredible workings of the human mind.[/quote:crp7pt0f]
Thank you O. All I can say is that I'm keeping the 30-minutes/day on for sure. And they'll be serious as they've been up to now (as much as I can afford...). For what concerns everything else I'm coping as usual.

Just wanted to say a thing: some gentle persons have asked if I were on therapy of some kind. The answer is no, because I've been in therapy since I was a child, just with the wrong people (in relation to me...) and got somewhat demotivated. Two psychologists and three psychiatrist in total. Some were very deluded (two of them, to whom I was sent by my parents, were hardcore psychoanalists...), scared, all of them powerless in front of me. I swear it's not me, it's that at least in Italy good therapist are VERY hard to find, and therapist who would at least understand me when I say &quot;to me it's about to completely uproot suffering&quot; or similar (without attempting to quote anything of dharma/buddhism) is around impossible. I've asked to two T. certificated for MBCT/MBSRT (among the very few in all Italy), one said no and the other wasn't good. Again I think I'm not deluding myself in giving these judgement. It could not be their fault though, the stuff I have inside is quite hard to handle and some of them could be successful with easier people anyway. I'm also not on any antidepressant (putting the holy herb aside for the moment lol). Honestly I'd like to start seeing a T. again and start with psychopharmaceuticals again but for the said reasons this could not be feasible. That's it.

&quot;Weekly report&quot;:
From Sunday June 30, I've practiced noting aloud every day before dinner for 30 minutes, but two days on a row (I had somewhat urgent matters, feel justified <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->). About the actual thing, nothing to report as of now (not quite in the mood <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->). It's been a solid month anyways and I'm satisfied of it, actually I could accomplish this extent of regular practice time just once in the past 5 years. The actual schedule is more solid than ever. High-aversion states no longer stop me. Absolutely keeping this going, time will pheraps show more stuff. I'm seeing Kenneth every 2-3 weeks. Finally, i'm arranging to buy a good back brace (in pheraps a few weeks) so i will be able to attend retreats.

The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92754 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Occasional report:

This evening I have had that &quot;sinking in the chair&quot; perceptual distortion again, just more intense. It was a little like tripping (funny and attachment/desire to have more was there). The noting (aloud) was relaxed, but phenomena were well caught. Fears/worries that were fastly recognized did much less damage, and I typically would laugh after such an episode. High-suffering charged moments sort of alternate with these, but i have felt a little more equanimity towards them, for this session only and as an average - &quot;bottomless&quot; pits arise frequently.

A very good step i should be taking next is to add other 30 minutes in the morning, which I'm sure would make a huge difference. My mind is not too ready yet though, since a couple of years ago I was and still am not able to get up in the morning before 10 a.m. without having major duties/appointments to force me to do it. I think that in some time the evening practice could unlock something, that will make me to get up in time in the mornings to double the dose. I think that this could happen in 2-3 months.
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92755 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Weekly report (only 4-days to re-establish the sunday-reporting routine):

I've skipped one appointment (had an important exam the following day, so it's ok) and aborted one at 20 minutes (instead of the usual 30 minutes, that time too i had an exam the following day and was litterally sleeping on the chair). The other two sessions went correctly.

Today's one:

Routine, lots of fears and aversions to begin with but they got noted and were no major problem. After a couple of minutes when the rhythm set in, the initial fears (of failing the session, mainly) subsided to be taken over by the normal noting-time baseline. Noting was good, i once distinctly felt the lack of control, began sleeping on the chair the last 10-15 minutes though, while in the last 5 minutes i was literaly dreaming and once in a while bounced up to discover &quot;oh i should be noting...&quot;. The momentum is very nice, mind's a little less, but absolutely continuing this. Now I think this is my all-time record for what concerns regular practice.

My external life is getting better too (and so the internal too a little), I managed to terminate two major anxiety sources (pertaining to my education / duties).

Next report this sunday.

Thank you to everyone.
The topic has been locked.
  • Dan G
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92756 by Dan G
Replied by Dan G on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Giulio,

This sounds like really great progress. Fear was (and still is in different ways) a big thing for me. For me it felt like my equanimity &quot;muscle&quot; kept getting stronger with each sit and allowed me to just watch it. Keep up the good work.

Dan
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92757 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Thank you Dan.

I'm now experiencing some entertaining neck pain/headache with all the rest, just wanted to say that I'm going into the ******* meditation room and do the job as it should be done (saying this publicly makes me feel better).

Update one the former:

- Noting was above the surface (of worthiness) for about 15-20 minutes, then gradually dropped below that point. At 29 minutes i gave up, looked at the clock and saw only 1 minute was left, so for the sake of self-satisfaction resumed and then the bell rang.

- What was there in the &quot;above the surface&quot; phase:
Heat, headache (compounded of 1 main sensation + a few secondary), neckpain (peculiar sensation with shared qualities with respect to the headache, in fact the boundary between the two seemed a little ragged for how much similar they were), some very intense suffering-charged stuff, hopelessness, two laughs, aversion to verbalize aloud (i guess due to the lack of energy for the ill-like state), lots of judgements and general thoughts (considerations, plannings, imaging/images, verbalizations [mostly untold/anticipated notes when my lungs were deflated], self references), worries, nausea, high resistance to do the thing.

- What was there in the &quot;below the surface&quot; phase:
I was at a sort of boiling point (and effectively gave up in the end), so basically sleepiness, aversions to most sensations, resistance etc.

It comes in mind that I should start some kind of non formal practice during the day. Doing only formal noting could get me stuck, considering that I'm usually not in the best conditions. Also comes in mind that in peculiar situations like the one described above (suffering-ridden, let's say) a different approach than general noting might be better. I know about the single parameter evaluation, the next time i'm going to try that for aversion.

Next appointment today at 19.
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92758 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
A report for today.

I returned to the gym after a few months and so this evening I was a little more energetic than usual.

How did the session go: some profound pits of sadness, hopelessness et c., but surprisingly noting was good. O.k. precision and &quot;catching it&quot;, I'm now somewhat accustomed to this superficial level of the mind. It works like this: sensation --&gt; unpleasantness --&gt; (fast) aversion --&gt; hopelessness/images or verbalizations about --&gt; sadness --&gt; other things (usually judgements, various types of thought (foreseeings, plannings, considerations, speculations, self-references), --&gt; cycle re-starts. Every phase of the cycle may be interrupted by neutral physical sensations (usually dryness of the lips, pressure, hearing, seeing, pulsing). This is not really precise (it is a draft), but I believe there are major repeating patterns with some variations, so this cycle thing has some foundation.

I don't know what will happend next, I'm sticking with this though.

This evening out of formal practice I'm going to do a little exercise, maybe just for fun, and see how much various kind of phenomena last with a chronometer.
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92759 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Today's (impressions):

- Noting seems to be a little on the automated side, that is some notes are verbalized almost instantly and these are the physical sensations; for mind-states instead there is a little more time required for interpretation, so the noting lags a bit there.
- I fear that my recline posture could hinder my mindfullness and concentration to some extent. This is the chair: <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href=" www.beachmall.com/media/img/beachmart/W1...liner_2001_0669b.jpg "> www.beachmall.com/media/img/beac ... _0669b.jpg
I keep my eyes always open, and to say the truth these kind of fears are noted (as &quot;fear&quot;, &quot;worry&quot; or &quot;concern&quot;) and would go under the practice of not escaping aversion... so I guess it's ok... Without a brace i can't do any better though for now (i should be getting one within this september).

Starting from tomorrow morning I'm going to do 10 minutes of &quot;texting&quot; (at a table) at 8.30 am, in addition to the 30 minutes of noting in the evening. This is a more relaxing activity, that would also assist in getting out the bed. So it's decided, tomorrow 10 minutes at 8.30 or death.
The topic has been locked.
  • Ona
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92760 by Ona
Replied by Ona on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Sounds like you're getting some traction and determination in your practice! Posture doesn't really matter that much, in the scheme of things. If the chair is working, use it!
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92761 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal

&quot;Ona&quot;:2jhnp30p wrote: Sounds like you're getting some traction and determination in your practice! Posture doesn't really matter that much, in the scheme of things. If the chair is working, use it![/quote:2jhnp30p]

Thank you, yes and this morning has been a success too (done what I planned at 9.40 instead of 8.30 but did it).

Today's another 30 minutes of, basically, staying with aversions. Very good overall.

Tomorrow morning same schedule, at 8.30 10 minutes of 'texting'.

I'll be moving to England by the end of september for a few yesrs, and came in mind that there should be good therapists there, so that's quite a good prospect too.

Keeping the current schedule.

The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92762 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Although I'm doing the noting exercise regularly (not skipping days), I'm losing &quot;mental momentum&quot;. Basically I had a period in the past weeks where practice got somewhat exciting, because I felt I was noting quite well, and then it declined. Now I'm in &quot;zombie mode&quot;, so just getting in the room and doing it without much interest other than wanting to hear the bell ring. The good part is that I'm very regular now (not so much with times...)

I'm not sure if this state of low motivation can be changed; probably not so this is it. I'm keeping the 30' up. For what concerns the morning 10' &quot;texting&quot;, it has been aborted the past two days.

Plan: I want to stabilize the time schedule in order to meditate at 6 pm every day. If it'll be ok for exactly a month I'll be adding a second period in the morning of solid noting or other engaging practices (concentration, metta, et c.). But absolutely not before a month of precise uninterrupted practice starting at 6 pm. I can always do &quot;texting&quot; btw.

A note: I shall make an effort to note as exactly and precisely as I can, noting the current phenomena instead of cueing, remembering and noting them in a row in the desperate effort to tackle arising frustration. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

Noting now starts in a few minutes.
The topic has been locked.
  • Russell
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92763 by Russell
Replied by Russell on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Push through man. That's all you can do. I totally understand those 'zombie-like' modes where you just feel sluggish and you can't note as well. Let it happen. At least you are very aware it is happening. And despite how it feels, it is progress!

Keep it up!
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92764 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Thank you R. Now that I come off a session, the noting is still quite precise, perhaps as precise as the past &quot;excitement&quot; days, but it might be that this became the new baseline level to which I'm getting accustomed, and so it feels like a stale.

I uploaded this picture just to show how good I am at drawing.

[img:k43bbre4]http&#58;//img163&#46;imageshack&#46;us/img163/755/jydd&#46;jpg[/img:k43bbre4]
The topic has been locked.
  • Ona
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92765 by Ona
Replied by Ona on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
I don't sit that regularly anymore, but when I do... it often follows more or less the same wave pattern. First I am settling in, then I'm settled in (which may or may not include some meditative state arising, or might just be just sitting there without any meditative state, it's kind of random), and then towards the end I sort of feel &quot;the end&quot; coming and depending on how long I've sat my leg might hurt a bit or I think &quot;Oh, I'll make dinner now&quot; or &quot;I should have used my bench instead of sitting in this chair, because now my back hurts&quot;. And then it ends (sometimes I use a timer, sometimes I pray a rosary, which serves as a kind of timer in itself).

There have been times when I didn't want to sit, but sat anyway, and in those cases there was initial &quot;Gah, I hate sitting&quot; and then I kind of got into it, and then towards the end &quot;yay, it's almost over, how much longer&quot;?

So you aren't weird or anything. <!-- s:D --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s:D -->
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92766 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Thank you Ona.
For these three days I have noted for the usual 30 minutes at 6 pm as established, quite precisely. This morning I was feeling very well (perhaps started with finding myself recognizing mind states in the shower, it was funny), the afternoon the table completely turned over and the mood got pretty much as ****** up as it can get.
A strange thing is that i often laugh during noting, no matter if I'm wrecked or ok, some phenomena make me laugh. I think it happens when I predict the next mental formation, I'm not sure though, it has something to do with predictability anyway.

I'm counting on doing the full month precisely without skipping a day. I'll be travelling on a ferry tomorrow night, so for tomorrow noting is postponed at exactly 10.30 p.m.
The topic has been locked.
  • Giulio B.
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92767 by Giulio B.
Replied by Giulio B. on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
I'm actually in vacation, but I've kept the noting routine (with some stretches in schedule).

This afternoon I've had an amazing 2.5 hours down cycle, in which mood went so down that I have no words to describe. It began at around 17.20 and completely ceased at 20, both following a gradient. It would seem like the brain &quot;bounced back&quot; (after a severe serotonin/dopamine depletion, or whatever). I'll be drawing a graph when I have time... <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->

When I return I'll organize myself with high-dose antidepressants and whatever thing direct and indirect I already have in mind. About the former I was resisting to them because they render psychedelics less effective, but at this point it makes no sense to keep abstaining. About the latter, determination has increased.

Anyway whatever happens, I'm doing 30 minutes of noting everyday until the flesh falls out of my bones. That &quot;muscle&quot; is going to be trained in any case, the state of mind doesn't matter as long as the actual exercise is done.
The topic has been locked.
  • limbic
  • Topic Author
7 years 9 months ago #92768 by limbic
Replied by limbic on topic Re: Giulio B. pre-practice journal
Hey, I'm happy you're continuing with your practice and its showing signs of activity.

The other day someone offered an observation that going for a walk in the middle of their sits sometimes leads to insights in seeing patterns that were happening during the sit but unrecognized.

I tried it a couple times since and it worked. Maybe you could consider adding that provision at the end of the 30 days of sitting at 6 too
The topic has been locked.
Powered by Kunena Forum