A Sitting Journal

Hello all, I'm a novice to meditation and this site has reinvigorated my interest to practice. Kenneth suggested I start a sitting journal here so here goes:

This evening I sat for about 20 minutes, starting with a few minutes of counting breaths to 10. When I felt I had enough focus I stopped counting and just watched my belly rise and fall. I also started to note the sensations - lots of throbbing around my eyes, warm fuzzy vibrations flowing down my arms, aching in the shoulder, drifting off to thoughts about writing this later and whether I would remember the notes, back to observing, more throbbing around the eyes, feeling drowsy and heaviness in my head, restless thoughts, thoughts of stopping this sitting, numbness in feet.

Welcome to the site. Make yourself at home... There are a lot of serious practitioners here making it an excellent resource. Best of luck in your practice...

Hi Chuanose,

I was so happy to see your practice journal on the forum when I logged on today. I thought, "Ahh, this is the second sign that Chuanose is serious." (The first was when you contacted me initially.) The good thing about the practice we are doing is that you don't have to get anywhere in order to succeed. We're just learning to be "here." I believe you will succeed. After all, it isn't really possible to be anywhere other than here and we can only pretend for so long; eventually we just give up the pretense and surrender to what is always already the case: this is it. And it is fine. The happiness that does not depend on conditions results from allowing things to be as they are. All of the techniques I teach are designed to bring us back to where we already are.

Kenneth

Thanks for the encouragement and welcome! I find it really makes a difference to be practicing with other experienced and like-minded people as opposed to trying to practice alone. I appreciate all your advice very much.

Today I was up at 4am due to jet lag and sat for about 25 minutes. It was hard as my mind was awake but not very clear. As usual I feel some vibrations on the skin of my arms, numbness in my right leg, unpleasant masses of pins and needles and heat and contractions in my leg. That's I can remember as I went back to bed after that.

In the evening I only sat for 5 mins, l I noted vibrations down my face and arms, contraction and tension aches in my head, unpleasant throbbing around the eyes and temples, thoughts that this is really hard to concentrate when I am sleepy, going back to the breath and then nodding off repeatedly and finally giving up.

Looking forward to my bioclock adjusting back.

Today I sat for about 25 mins. Started being difficult as I felt drowsy and slowly it got better. Again I feel the vibrations on my arms and face, but this time they are stronger, I feel my face and eyes throbbing. After a while if I concentrate at the top of my head i feel like there is a wave of vibrations pressing down my face and then down my arms, expanding and contracting. Then while later it seems I cannot identify where my legs and arms are clearly anymore, just a big mass of dull feeling and some vibration. I can also seem to feel my whole body as a whole and concentration seems lighter and better. When i breathe i can feel my face and front of my body contracting and expanding.

I realize why I didn't feel my right leg much because it was completely numbed out when I tried to stand.

Excellent! Keep on in this way. Your reports are good: simple and clear, without a lot of speculation. And your practice is right on track.

Kenneth

Thanks for the direction!

This evening I am still jet-lagged and drowsy. I sat for 10 minutes, constantly nodding away, then got up to walk around for 5 minutes, and then tried to sit for another 10 minutes to no success. I will try harder to wake up in the morning to sit.

Sat about 25 mins today. I feel a buzzing like electric current, which is warm, most intensely on my face but also around the head. Its like it oscillates at high frequency, but also expands and contracts too at a lower frequency. Similarly down the arms but less in intensity. If i concentrate hard enough it feels like a semi-hot throbbing vibrating shell wrapping my face that at moments will link up with a lesser vibrating shell around my arms. There are short moments where there is just my presence and quiet. Feels like it is easier to sit than before...

Last night's sitting there was less intense vibration, mostly more subtle ones around the head and arms. During each breath I can feel expansions of the neck, arms, and body. I think the regular practice is improving concentration as it seems easier to quiet down and observe the thoughts that surface and die away.

Today the sensation of my heart beat and blood pumping is obvious, it can feel the pulse at the back of my head, face and down the arms flowing, expanding and contracting. Feels like I am moving forward and backward at each pulse. Still some subtle vibrations around my face, arms. Drowsy feeling, awake, annoyed at feeling drowsy, curious if i am doing it right, dullness, images, frustration at lack of concentration, pleasant focus for a moment, dullness again...

You are doing it right, Chuanose. Very well, indeed. Keep on in this way.

Kenneth

Thanks Kenneth!

Yesterday I emailed Kenneth to tell him that when I was doing Goenka style body sweeping, I very quickly get more intense vibration that were interesting, as if I felt something was happening, but if I were to observe the whole body (as described in this site's instructions), then they usually remained subtle, and the body gets dull and boring to observe. He gave me a good wake up call not to be attached to interesting sensations and be present in whatever my experience is. If it is dull note "dull".

This morning I managed to wake up early to sit (well done me!). Started off feeling cold at the lower body and arms, some light shivers, but over time warmth came back. It is much easier to sit in the morning. I feel my ears open up, obviously stereo, aware of sounds but they are not affecting me. I can see the smooth dark canvas behind my eyes. My eyes were flicking around involuntarily, but behind the moving eye was quite a clear presence of mind, I think I can be undistracted for 3 breaths. Feel peaceful and calm just watching the sounds fly by, subtly moving dark canvas behind my eyes, and warmth in my legs

The past few days my sits were easier. In particular yesterday I felt I had good concentration after a few minutes of observing the breath at my nostrils. Hearing seems to pop suddenly and be very clear, and the space in my head between the ears seems to connect and be alive and present. With some careful balance of effort my focus seems to stablise on... something (on the present maybe?), and the body sensations and sounds seem to go into the background. As usual the body feels pleasantly relaxed and some subtle warm vibrations with on my skin.

I think I am getting the hang of the idea of "layers of the mind". I do sense some kind of peeling of the onion through each sit. One layer that is particularly familar and that always happens is the one when the body suddenly seems to separate from the awareness, "objectified" i guess.

Tonight however I am so drowsy, the thoughts are just going on away in the background and I cannot catch on to them....

This morning I was quite distracted, I found it harder to concentrate on observing sensations, and thoughts were wandering around and hard to pin down. It is pleasant when I can focus on the breathing, the body expands and contracts with each breath, but the wandering thoughts came back quickly. There was once when the thought of "disembed disembed" surfaced and I could see the situation the "I" was in, and then felt free from the condition for a while, the wandering thoughts were still there but like a movie of someone's else life. I think the sad news over the weekend affected my sitting.

scalp and ears feel tingling and hot, dry face, some vibrations flows down my arm, some music goes on in mind irritatingly does not want to go away, images, right sitting bone is taking too much weight and uncomfortable, adjust posture, blood seems to flow pleasantly again, inner ears itches a little, images and music turns on again, slight unpleasant headache/drowsiness, dull sensation in legs.

I think I've lost some momentum, after working later these days and coming back tired, I tend to find excuses not to sit. I have to get my priorities straight else I will not progress!

Today sat for 30 mins, it was hard to concentrate, took a longer time to get to a stage where I could note the thoughts slipping by. There was quite a bit of desire to be able to note the thoughts, and much frustration in failing to do so. When I get up I remembered that I have to accept whatever experience I get instead of expecting a pleasant sit, but its still hard to do that during the sit.

Hi Chuanose,

Frustration is a wonderful object for meditation. You can make it into your ally. When you find yourself feeling frustrated, note "frustration." When you feel embarrassed because you realize you have been sitting there for five minutes spinning in thought without noting anything, note "embarrassment." Every single object that arises in the mind has exactly the same status as every other; all of it is grist for the mill. Note it and be free. Happiness, unhappiness, joy, frustration, pride, humiliation... note them as the arise and be free.

Thanks Kenneth, before your reminder I think I felt more caught up in the feelings/thoughts and now I make a clearer effort to watch for them too.

Today I think I got back my "access concentration" again. Trying to focus and note as fast as possible, it seems that my body becomes a mass of throbbing and vibrations, this time more diffuse involving my legs too. The more intense clouds of throbbing feels like blood flow related to heart beats, but underlying that the body feels like a very rapidly pulsating ball of sensation, frequency about several times per second. At one point there was feeling of tightening and itch on the skin of my forearms. I tend to tense up my right leg many times involuntarily, i wonder if thats because of the harder cushion i am sitting on. I get the feeling i am seeing through these sensations and theres much more to break them up to know what they are.

This morning I noted less intense vibrations but it was still pretty much clouds of fuzzy like sensations. In particular I find it pleasant to focus on the breath around the nose and mouth, and the area starts buzzing with each expansion and contraction.

I am trying to note as fast as I can according to some advice I have read, but I realize i end up observing very closely instead of being able to say "expansion, flow, heat". It sort of just bypasses the words and straight to the meaning. This seems to make me follow the sensations closer, but at the same time the lack of words might make it forget and then wander off. Anyone has some advice on this?

I also seem to start have/prefer a more diffuse view of the whole body, e.g. 80% focus on the front where the expansion/contraction of each breath happens, and 20% on peripheral sensations like, itch on my head, pain on my shoulder. Is this okay?

"Is this okay?"-Chuanose

Yes, whatever happens is OK. Just continue to refine your noting technique. It's natural to wonder if you are doing it right; that will continue right up until arahatship. That's how you'll know you are an arahat: you will no longer wonder whether you are doing it right. Meanwhile, just note. If you have doubt, note "doubt." You cannot be doing it wrong if you are noting.

If you can clearly see your objects without noting, that's fine too. When things are changing rapidly and you are seeing them clearly, it's good to drop the noting. But the minute you start to wonder whether you are fooling yourself, note "wondering." If the mind is wandering a lot, resume the systematic noting. You don't have to note at a frenzied pace; that isn't necessary at all. As a guide, note aloud. Notice that you can only note as fast as you can speak; if you try to do it faste, you risk running out of oxygen. The fact that you have to continue to breathe while noting aloud prevents you from noting too fast for very long. Just settle into a comfortable, relaxed pace. Your body and mind have natural rhythms. Breathing is one such rhythm. Let it guide you. If you note once every one or two seconds, you are noting at a good, sustainable pace and you will continue to make progress. Be a tortoise, not a hare. Constancy, not heroics.

Kenneth

Today I've relaxed my noting pace, as adviced by Kenneth, if I could follow the sensations closely then I would do that, but once I lost it then I went back to note again.

I noticed that the middle of my chest was stiff and tense, like something is pressing on my heart. My breath is no longer smooth, it moves jerkily and uncomfortably in and out in sharp pulses. Each in breath ends abruptly in a push against a tense chest, and each out breath starts very jerkily and ends the same. Noted unpleasant, hard to breathe. Much less vibrations and no more buzzing this time.

This morning there was more stillness in the sit. Pleasant light vibrations with each expansion and contraction. Some itches around, ache in shoulder. Sort of oscillated between moments I could focus clearly and undistracted for several breaths, and then wandering, then back again. The length of being able to be focus gets longer each time. I can also feel sensations in the legs and back more now.

This is excellent, Chuanose. Keep on in this way. Expect nothing. Let this unfold as it will.

Thanks for the guidance Kenneth! I was away travelling for the past few days and momentum was disrupted again. Today I sat in the morning and twice at night. It was difficult as I was drowsy and found the mind wandering often. I took a break after a 25min sit to walk around and do some stretches and deep breathing, hoping to get more awake, and the next 15 min sit was slightly better. There was much ache and pain in the middle back today, and my arms were itchy and warm due to the many insect bites I had

This evening sit was quite interesting, once I sat down I managed to steady my breath quickly and follow it. Soon my face and eyes starting pulsating quite strongly and quickly. It feels like masses of expanding and contracting sensations bubbling randomly across my face at several times a second. I closed my eyes but they are affected by it too, it blinks and spasms by itself. It lasted about half a minute and died down to smaller waves. I noticed that at every 2nd half of an out breath there will be a wave of expansion on my face. After a while these also quieted down, finally later on become drowsy and almost fell asleep sitting.