A Sitting Journal

Just sat for 25 mins, and started of following the breath to get some concentration, and after about 5mins, switched to noting to find lots of solidity but the mind watching the body clearly. Gradually subtle pleasant vibrations appeared on my face, and the breath gets harder to follow, like I am semi-controlling it.

Soon itches appear on my forehead and some aches around like on my butt. Buzzy face vibrations start getting stronger, pulses start coming in, heart beat gets faster and stronger, I can feel each heart beat sending a pulse through the body. Tension increases on the top of head, eyes start to flickr, colour behind eyelids change around and lighten up, head feels internal pressure. Then everything relaxes, slows down, i get light-headed, heart beat slows down but each pulse is loud and clear, body feels like disolving.

Slowly back to normal and then a harsh vibrations occurs on the top half of my head, I suddenly had a vision of an arm moving towards me to grab my right hand, and i feel fear and energy shooting up my head, and better concentration. Next my left eyebrow tenses up by itself like a knot repeatedly and it is quite painful. Then I get a mix of eyebrow tensions and harsh vibrations.

Suddenly the harsh vibrations fall away, the eyebrow tensions go away and i silently heave a mental sigh of relief, and the mind quiets down. The forehead is throbbing quite pleasantly and i feel quite centred amidst the vibrations and throbbing.

After a while the concentration deteriorates, and I get eyebrow tensing up again painfully, and mild harsh vibrations in my head. Then eyes start seeing changing colours and lightening up, face pulses come back, and top of the head is active. Meditation bell rings.

The week after going through the Jhanic arc with Kenneth, I was very excited as at every sit I thought I could somewhat see the different stages progressing all the way up to Equanimity and back down again, though I can't really tell the individual DN stages apart clearly.

However over the weekend I lost some momentum and the past few days I think I am stuck at the 3rd nana, which is somewhat disappointing. For example yesterday I sat for 30 mins, and started with lots of distracting thoughts about the day. After about 15 mins, the head vibrations slowly appeared, and face pulses that contract and expand at random parts of the face appeared. There was itches and aching in my right leg.

I've read through Ron's practice thread again and identify with several of his earlier observations and that have boosted up my motivation again. Consistency not heroics!

Sat about 25mins with a break of 5 mins then another 20 mins today.

In the first 25 mins, it started off all solid, and gradually the rhythmic pulsing of the heart beat started getting louder through the body. Next the vibrations and false pulses got stronger, and the top of the head is very active with a constant fast pulsing like a fast hammering. This hammering went on for the whole sit and I took a short break.

In the next sit, I started off where I left off and the vibrations on the forehead somehow got more harsh, and my eyebrow started tensing up painfully like what I thought was a DN thing. That was strange because I thought I was in 3rd nana and I didn't notice any strong energy. The tensing and pain went on for a while and then out of the blue the eyes started lightening up, energy went up again the head and then subsequently the body started to dissolve and the mind is chilled out. Then the painful tensions came back again.

With time the eyebrow aches/tensions sort of went into the background, and my awareness sort of took a step back. The pain is still there but the relationship to it is a little more distant, and I am calm. The body boundaries seem to have dissolve and I feel the remaining vibratiosn floating in space, and the eyebrow aches go on in the distance. Its quite a pleasant state I felt i could sit for a long time this way.

After a while the eyebrow aches sort of came back in the foreground and then soon I felt back in the body again, with the heart beat pulses and regular vibrations back.

Today's sit was started out the same usual way of solidity, followed by rhythmic pulsing across the body, face blips of expansions and contractions. Then the high energy came in the strongest I've experienced so far, usual light eye flutterings became major eye spasms and I felt my eyes tensing up and forced to look and twist in to different directions, the top of my head was so tense it was like twisted knot, and there was lots of light around. The heart beats quite fast.

The energy then subsided, and the heart beat slowed down with strong pumps each time, and the body dissolved, closely followed by the harsh static vibrations on the forehead. Suddenly felt like on high alert, its not fear, but just felt focused and ready and game for anything that migh suddenly arrive. That then changed to an unpleasant and steady forehead throbbing against the background of harsh vibrations.

The unpleasantness then sort of distanced itself for a moment, and I felt calm and centred for a while, but before long it came back in the foreground again. Strangely it then distanced/resolved once more into calmness and then came back yet again, its like toggling between DN and equanimity.

The remainder of the sit was with the unpleasant forehead throbbing and I can still feel it now.

It feels that my concentration is not very good lately as I've been kind of half-stuck in DN and been quite moody so I decided to try practicing some concentration, which is a practice I am quite new to. I usually just do some breath counting at the start of a vipassana sit.

So I started of by following the breath and as it began to settle down I feel a light blissful field of sensations on my face and down the skin of my arms. I find that I can let go and let that sink even deeper to a more undistracted state and gradually the awareness kinds of takes a step back and sees the whole body in a diffuse way. The boundary is not so clear - in fact i feel like the whole front of me is part of my "body" too, like I am a big round bubble of light sensations.

I find that the sense of "i" is quite clear, and if i concentrate or "sink" into it it gets deeper and deeper and I feel even more undistracted, and the "i" becomes clearer or more solid. At one point I decided to switch to noting and I feel like that pulled me out of the intensity of my focus of "i" and spreads in out into a diffuse body. There are subtle vibrations around the face which are quite blissful. I tried to note the sensations as equanimously as possible but found myself more interested to "sink" into the sense of "i" to get deeper again. All this while I think I was in equanimity as it was subtle and quiet and calm, it is one of the of the "deepest" I have went I think.

Are there cool, tingling sensations on the arms and legs and the ability to feel the skin all over the body, all at once? If so, you may be talking about the 3rd jhana. Bliss is also a 3rd jhana phenomenon. In the 4th jhana/equanimity nana, you feel profoundly happy, but not blissful. It's more a deep "OKness" with sensations regardless of whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. Also, in the 4th jhana, you lose touch with your skin, as in a barrier between "you" and everything else. There are just sensations floating in space... kind of a shapeless constellation of body sensations rather than a clearly-shaped body.

Kenneth, I think I've mixed up the meaning of "blissful". I identify with both the 3rd Jhana and 4th Jhana states exactly as you described now.

As expected, the 3rd Jhana seems to me like what I experience during dissolution in vipassana, though its more subtle. i.e. somewhat chilled and light buzzy skin sensations, the heart beats slows down with clear beats.

As for the 4th Jhana, "deep OKness" accurately describes how I felt, and that's when I felt I lost the skin barrier, sensations float in space. At this point if I switch to noting I thought I could see (or visualize) that whatever is remaining of my body is a series of long vertical energy shapes that float in space and slightly expand/contract (pulse) horizontally once per second. At this point I want to reduce or soften noting significantly so as not to disturb the calmness. I wonder if this is what is called high-equanimity by other posters.

It also seems to me that Nik's tip in another thread to practice concentrating up to 4th Jhana before switching to noting is efficient, I seem to hit equanimity much faster than this way that just noting away.

I'm also feeling quite mindful and peaceful lately, sort of like my heart is opening up.

I'm starting to see why people say concentration practices can be addictive. I've been doing it more often now and its pleasant and peaceful. After a day of work my mind can be busy with thoughts and stuff, and if I manage to get past the initial chicken herding barrier during the sit, my mind will calm down significantly to a point where it is kinda/somewhat one-pointed (or maybe just undistracted) and I feel like ahhhhhh silence is golden. Resting in that state feels much more restful than trying to sleep with a monkey mind.

Today I started off doing concentration practice again. After a bewildering phase of chasing thoughts the mind settled down and I felt the solidity and gross vibrating sensations on the skin. Next I settled down even more and some slight energy started raising to the head and I felt some exhilerating sensations around the outside of my limbs. And finally it got more calm and quiet and sense of OK-ness, body boundaries started becoming undefined and so I switched to noting into what I think is the equanimity state.

It was all mostly quiet and peaceful but my eyes were involuntarily fluttering/pulsing and there was some energy going on in my forehead. As read in Kenneth's post in another thread I started to observe the pulsing eyes more carefully for the end and the pulses got more and more obvious and stronger. It seems possible for "nothing" to happen soon between each pulse. Gradually I felt a darkness starting to envelope me, and my ears were quieting down. I got excited as I thought something new is happening. At that point my wife came into the room which gave me a surprise and the darkness went away, however I was still reasonably equanimous and calm about it. I felt a little wave of pleasant energy after that and was more awake and refreshed.

I'm excited I can't wait to sit again tomorrow.

Hi Chuanose,

Next time you sit, you may feel excited and full of anticipation, remembering how pleasant the previous sitting was. Note "excitement" and "anticipation." Don't try to force yourself back into the deeply concentrated state. If you push, you will just become agitated (in which case you should note "agitation" and realize that agitation is just as good as relaxation as long as you are carefully and continuously noting). Allow your mind to do whatever it wants. You may gradually settle into concentration just as you did before. Be patient and accept whatever comes along. If you begin to experience pulsing and vibrating sensations, investigate them as before. Keep us posted.

Kenneth

Started the same way and went up to equanimity and stayed there for quite a while where it as calm, quiet and concentrated. It feels like I'm sinking into a balance of concentration and insight.. Soon I felt an active forehead and fluttering eyes, but as Kenneth guessed, I sort of ended up cycling between excitement/anticipation, noting that, returning back to an undistracted focus, and repeat. After a while the energy in my forehead started getting stronger and turned into the foreground as harsh vibrations and I realized I'm back in the DN stages and going back down,

During the day when I'm at the train station waiting for my wife I made a small effort to concentrate and I find I easily end up feeling equanimous as I look out at fellow human beings busily walking by. It's like a clearly aware, slow, quiet, present, happy state.

I think my mindfulness and concentration during the day has improved quite a good deal nowadays. As I walk from home to the train station, I focus my attention on what I am hearing and feeling physically and i feel so present and my ears are like super-stereo and I am clearly aware of the continous stream of sounds without intermediate mental processing or evaluation. I can feel the vibrations and pulses when I am walking as I note and disembed.

Today during the 35 min sit I found that if i consciously relax the mental tensions in my head I can "let go" and get concentrated progressively with each out breath. At one point I passed through some subtle A&P sensations and lights, followed by the subtle dissolving sensations. Then the broad perspective and calmness arrived and so I think I reached the 4th jhana.

My eyes are fluttering away then. It feels like some kind of A&P going off without the excitement. The more I focus on the passing away of the fluttering eye pulses, the more and harder they pulse. At some point I can see a stream of hard digital stops in the flutterings, kinda like click click click click.

I'm not sure if I am doing it right or wrong but I think this is the most absorbed state I have been in. I really "let go" and was almost just blanked out without concept of time or self and all there is is a mess of pulse pulse click pulse click throb throb click around the eyes. After a while I got out of it and went down slightly. I didn't manage to track my movement across the Jhanic arc clearly, and its confusing because it sure seems like I been through some kind of A&P several times but in a equanimous and OK-ness state throughout.

My eardrums also feel hyper-sensitive at the end of the sit, like its been stretched and it is detecting lots of subtle high frequency sound.

"I think my mindfulness and concentration during the day has improved quite a good deal nowadays. As I walk from home to the train station, I focus my attention on what I am hearing and feeling physically and i feel so present and my ears are like super-stereo and I am clearly aware of the continous stream of sounds without intermediate mental processing or evaluation. I can feel the vibrations and pulses when I am walking as I note and disembed.

Today during the 35 min sit I found that if i consciously relax the mental tensions in my head I can "let go" and get concentrated progressively with each out breath. At one point I passed through some subtle A&P sensations and lights, followed by the subtle dissolving sensations. Then the broad perspective and calmness arrived and so I think I reached the 4th jhana.

My eyes are fluttering away then. It feels like some kind of A&P going off without the excitement. The more I focus on the passing away of the fluttering eye pulses, the more and harder they pulse. At some point I can see a stream of hard digital stops in the flutterings, kinda like click click click click.

I'm not sure if I am doing it right or wrong but I think this is the most absorbed state I have been in. I really "let go" and was almost just blanked out without concept of time or self and all there is is a mess of pulse pulse click pulse click throb throb click around the eyes. After a while I got out of it and went down slightly. I didn't manage to track my movement across the Jhanic arc clearly, and its confusing because it sure seems like I been through some kind of A&P several times but in a equanimous and OK-ness state throughout.

My eardrums also feel hyper-sensitive at the end of the sit, like its been stretched and it is detecting lots of subtle high frequency sound. "

Outstanding. Superb. Do it again.

Sat pretty late last night but was wide-awake going into bed. In fact I think I slept very well and woke up really early this morning fully refreshed, which is strange as I have a bad habit of lazing in bed longer than necessary. Also seems like I was somewhat half-awake during the night, maybe like taking some tea before sleeping.

I tried to do the same thing again, and there was similar but less intense/concentrated results. There was a point I felt like my boundary-less body was ballooning outward into space, sort of like as I dwelve deeper, there is an illusory perspective of space expanding/moving out. This lasted for maybe 30 seconds.

As I get more absorbed, i can feel "release" of mental tension events which is like being disembedded from a sticky stratum of mind. It is like peeling a discrete layer of an onion skin away from the fresh onion. I wonder, what is left after each peeling?

I feel like I am calmly taking it all in and familarising with this new phase. Maybe at some point I will swallow but I'm trying not to think about it.

Today when I was following the eye flutterings again I notice the more abrupt pulses like click click appearing again. When I focused more on them they get stronger and stronger and finally my eyes were clammed shut very tightly for a moment, my eyes rolled up tensely, and the top of my head tightened and then relaxed. It was a little like an A&P in some way.

Are you inducing the fluttering or is it happening on it's own?

Hi mumuwu, it usually starts appearing on it's own when I am quite concentrated during equanimity. If I focus on them they get stronger, so I'm not sure if this is "inducing".

This eye clamming experience is a new thing that has happened more often. I sat another 15 mins yesterday night and it occured again, and when I went to bed I tried to focus and somehow it happened again. It also occured in this morning's sit.

It's like some energy causing an involuntary tightening of the muscles around the eyes, causing them to shut very tightly, and the forehead and top of head area is also very intensely contracted, with lots of shaking vibrations due to the contraction tension going off in the head. It last about 2 seconds and then relaxes back to normal.

I wonder what it is, its not an A&P because even now I can just induce it whenever I want. I don't think its a fruition because I don't feel blissed out after that, nor do I feel any blanked out discontinuity, and in fact its so tense its can be quite unpleasant.

Put down a few hours of sitting yesterday, with each sit lasting about 20-40mins.

In the morning, started off with a resolution to reach stream entry this weekend, but seems to have generated craving for it too. Often when I feel I can focus clearly on the clicking eye flutterings quite equanimously and without distraction, some excited thought happens and spoils it.

In the evening it was much better, I let go more and told myself this thing is bound to happen sooner or later, why crave so much? Besides there is still a long way to go, and I just practiced as usual as I should, and this made the equanimity more calm and detached.

Between sits I take a short break to stretch my legs and walk around. Once I sit down I find my mind zap and invert and go right back to some meditative perspective and quite quickly reach equanimity again.

It also I am repeatedly going up high-e and back down to some boundary between DN and Equanimity where there are clashing vibrations but I'm not too distracted by it. I then take a deep breath and swing myself up to high-e again.

I'm also trying to investigate what this sensation of I is behind my head while watching the eye flutterings. It still does look like a solid thing, but only when I watch it. Several times the equanimity goes high enough where I just watch and don't really care about whatever happens, or maybe not capable of caring cause I'm blanked out.

Today is another day of practice!

"It also I am repeatedly going up high-e and back down to some boundary between DN and Equanimity where there are clashing vibrations but I'm not too distracted by it. I then take a deep breath and swing myself up to high-e again."-Chuanose

Don't try to sustain yourself in equanimity, Chuanose. It can't be done. Life is a wheel. Sometimes it is gross, sometimes it is subtle. When it's subtle, gross is not far behind; that is the nature of the wheel. When it's gross, you can feel confident that subtle is up next. It just keeps spinning. If you try to hold onto anything, you create unnecessary suffering. Instead, be willing to take it as it comes and let it go when it goes. Note (aloud, if possible) when it is gross. When it's subtle, notice the delicate tactile vibrations in the forehead and the subtle strobing of the mind. Let the wheel spin and stop trying to control it. If you try to control it, you set yourself up for failure. If you let nature be as it is, you win every time.

Freedom in heaven, freedom in hell.

Thanks Kenneth, you are so right, thanks for the wake up call again. I was trying to manipulate things and it ended making me restless, miserable and I had a strong aversion to sit.

I gave up thoughts of whatever I wanted to attain and just sat and noted as instructed. For most part the sits then started off with gross pulses and vibrations on the face, also some sort contracting/expanding movements in the head, and peaked at a constant unpleasant strong pulsing going on in my head. Really wished that droning pulse would stop, it was pulsing so much I felt like my head was subtly shaking. Noting aloud mostly went pulse pulse pulse frustration pulse pulse itch pulse wandering thought pulse...

There were thoughts of giving up due to the frustrating pulsing. Several times the thought of your quote "freedom in hell" arised and it gave me more perseverance to accept the s*** the way it is to complete the sit.

"Noting aloud mostly went pulse pulse pulse frustration pulse pulse itch pulse wandering thought pulse..."-Chuanose

Excellent. Be sure to also note "unpleasant" or "pleasant" or "neutral" from time to time. Notice that even when unpleasant sensations predominate, pleasant and neutral sensations arise too. For example, you may be noting, "throbbing-unpleasant, itching-unpleasant, frustration, aversion, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, throbbing-unpleasant," but also notice that every time you inhale there is a blast of pleasant cool air coming into your nostrils. Note that: "coolness-pleasant." It helps keep you in balance. Also notice that there are neutral sensations, e.g. the pressure of your body against the chair or cushion or your feet against the floor. Note that: "pressure-neutral."

"Really wished that droning pulse would stop, it was pulsing so much I felt like my head was subtly shaking."-Chuanose

No problem; note "aversion" and "shaking-unpleasant" along with "pulsing-unpleasant." It's only the things you forget to note that cause you suffering. Unpleasantness does not cause suffering as long as it is seen clearly as unpleasantness. And your mind will not have time to wander if you note aloud. Note aloud whenever possible. This is vastly more powerful than silent noting. Try noting into a recorder to keep yourself honest; knowing that the recorder is there gives you subtle encouragement to keep noting aloud with a note evert second or two, but not more than twice a second. Noting aloud also keeps you at a reasonable pace since you cannot note aloud more than about once or twice a second and sustain that pace while breathing.

Been away travelling for awhile, back to journalling again.

Sat for 35 mins today, started off with gross sensations for sometime and slowly the face pulses and vibrations appeared. Before long the eyes we pulsing heavily and there was energy slowly going upward. Then the eyes went bright and lots of energy and tension in the top of the head before relaxing slowly into a slowness and chilled mood. Then came the familiar droning unpleasant pulses at constant frequency, but it wasn't so bad.

Gradually the unpleasant vibrations took a back seat and a sharp focus of mind came back and the body boundaries went undefined. Eye fluttering came back and I observed them coming in random packets of several pulses each time. Sounds like morse code, rat-tatatatat, rat-tatatat, rattatatatatatatat...etc This state didn't last for long, maybe a few minutes , then gradually the unpleasant vibrations came back to the foreground and time was up. Generally a subtle sit.

Whoa, nice. Gotta keep watching this journal!

Gosh procrastination is really awful, two weeks just went by.

Been trying to build up my sitting momentum again. In today's sit everything started out very gross, and it took a long time for the pulses to gain strength. Slowly the familar expansions and contractions that come in pulses on the face appeared but they were much more subtle that what I had experienced before. Before long the heart beat went faster and harder and the energy went up again, but again overall its not intense. Then a light bothersome droning vibration arrived for a while, and I felt expansiveness and equanimity for a short time before returning to the droning vibrations.

Definitely need to get my act together and push on again.