A Sitting Journal

Nice. Keep up the good work and keep reporting your results here. You are doing great; no need to change anything for now. If you get drowsy, note "drowsiness." Any experience you have is the right experience for you to be having in this moment. Become the world's greatest authority on your own experience, noting each phenomenon carefully as it arises.

This morning I sat for a short while and quite quickly reached a stage where I could have some kind of diffused awareness and good focus on all the sensations around the body. They are much less intense compared to yesterday, but I could follow them closely as they appear and disappear. I'm not sure how best to describe them, probably mini blips of expansions and contractions. I suspect that are caused or related to blood flow pressures increasing and decreasing with the heart beat. I had a headache but the ache sort of went to the background (though still there) as I sort of just focused closely on these blips around. There was less wandering and I noticed them pretty quickly. More thoughts of excitement that I got back some momentum lost, and thoughts of *yay* I can follow them again.

Through these week I found myself having some aversion to sitting. I have a target of 30 mins per sit and use a timer to track this, but often get drowsy and sleepy, and noted a desire to check how much time there is remaining. I think this part of this might just be due to tiredness after work, maybe nutritional reasons as well.

I look forward to the weekend as I can be more awake and complete the 30 mins more easily. I concentrate and note the breath sensations in my head, nose, mouth, which are somewhat buzzy. At certain points the intentional focus somehow relaxed into a more awake, lightweight awareness of the whole body, and at this point it is easy to follow the breath sensations together with the other parts of the body. This sort of cycles several times - intentionally focusing on the face and some how relaxing into body awareness.

My right leg constantly tenses up in my effort to concentrate and I have to consciously relax it many times. After a while the body feels like a dull heavy mass as I make an effort not to tense/move while noting. Breath sensations are like swarms of feeling, liquid-like, flowing in and out.

In yesterday's sit my body has lots of small pulses around the face, eyes, chest, body, inner elbows. They occur quickly and randomly, but I think I felt quite equanimously observing them through out pretty well. When I went to bed the sensations were still there. In fact i think during the day when if i try to observe, the sensations are still around.

Today the pulses were more engaged. In particular the middle of my forehead really aches and is very tense, like a machinegun battering against it heavily and rapidly, maybe 10 times a second. These random pulses were heaviest on the forehead, then on my face and eyes, then softer on the body. It is like strange hammering headache on the forehead, and this lasted about 15mins in my guess.

In the next 15mins, the hammering subsidied and its back to the regular intensity rapid pulses around the body, though the intensity is still in decreasing order of forehead, eyes, face, chest. At one point I was drowsy and drifted off to sleep couple times. It was very hard to focus, all I could note was fore-head-ache, and rapid pulses around.

My forehead still aches now writing this, its strange because I was perfectly normal before the sit.

Made a strong resolution to wake up early to sit yesterday night. I even practiced hopping off the bed and walking out of the bedroom several times. Managed to do it successfully with a big hop this morning!

A quiet sit, no intense pulses or headaches. I followed the breath sensations with the occasional itch or pulse around the body. Thinking about the past, bringing awareness back to the breath at the present, thinking about the future, back to breath, worrying about progress, back to the breath, repeat until end of sit. A little drowsy.

Similar to yesterday, though at one point it seems I could focus on the sensations on my face as they arise and passe away, At that moment the whole face became alive with pulsing sensations again, but soon it went away, and its back to following the breath and noting all sorts of thoughts and distractions. Can't seem to really lock on to a sensations to follow through them. Noted discouragement, determination, frustration and effort to be present and equanimous even though the sit isn't is not smooth. Noted several doubts on whether this is efficient when I'm distracted so often and not able to focus on sensations.

Had my first talk with Kenneth on Thursday, and we went through the four foundations and bystander. I learnt that I shouldn't constantly bring my attention back to the breath, should just sort of observe whatever happens all around.

The first few sits with noting aloud (in the mind) the 4Fs with more detailed vocabulary was like a real mental workout, it was quite tiring, like a game. Before speaking to Kenneth I was wondering how it was possible to note so many discrete events rapidly, as it seems there was often periods of "nothing happening", but now I start to see that in those "silent periods" without physical sensations, there were dullness, curiosity, investigation, i.e. mind states were changing but I wasn't noticing them so closely before.

Today I've started to relax this mental noting game a little, sort of "soften" the note, but still with somewhat detailed vocab, I think I was tensed up and manipulating the experience as the "mental loudness" of each note sort of interrupts my ability to follow the sensations.

I started to get eyebrow aches and tensions and it sometimes spread to the forehead. The ache was much milder than the sit a few days back. The sensations on my face as if my face is a water bag and as one part expands, the other contracts.

Hey there chuanose,

I really identify with many of your descriptions of your sitting practice. The descriptions of "clouds" of sensations, aches in the face and pressure are very familiar to me. You're doing great, keep it up, I can't wait to see what comes next!

Ron

"it seems there was often periods of "nothing happening", but now I start to see that in those "silent periods" without physical sensations, there were dullness, curiosity, investigation, i.e. mind states were changing but I wasn't noticing them so closely before."


yeah. nice. keep it up.

anticipation is another fun one to catch in those supposedly blank spaces.

Ron: Thanks for the encouragement! It really inspires me to hear of people sharing similar sensations, sort of gives me more faith in the path ahead.

Ryguy913: Yes thats a good one I didn't catch before too, and now that you mentioned it I think it has made me note anticipation more often!

Sat several times over this weekend, each one 20-30 mins long. Most of them were normal sits, sensations on the face, drowsy, remembering thoughts, imagining thoughts.

My last sit this night was quite interesting however. The usual sensations on my face were there, and I observed and noted it as detached as I can. Then next there was a slowly rising tension on the top of my head, my eyes flickered a lot, my face muscles are expanding and contracting, and I am thinking something is happening as the tensions keeps going up. The blanks behind my closed eyes sort of lightened up, as if the blood went away and the eye lids get more translucent, causing more light to pass though, like clouds of lightness shining in. Then face water bag sensations got faster and faster with vibrations, eye flickers got faster and faster and top of my head get more tense. Noted thoughts like "note and don't manipulate the experience".

Then at the maximum tension my awareness sort of zones out like what you feel when you sit for too long and suddenly stand up, and sounds quieten away in the distance for a moment and then coming back again. The top-half of my head was heavily pulsating chaotically. Meanwhile my meditation timer chimes away but I don't want to stop observing as I felt very centred and maybe abit dazed within my pulsating head. It seems easy to be undistracted and follow the sensations, though at the same time in the background there lots of excited thoughts about what this was. I still feel the top of my head being quite active now.

This evening I sat about 20 mins, and about 10 mins in I had a similar though less intense experience to yesterday. The eyes flicker, the heart beats faster, clouds of lightness shine though the closed eye lids, face starts heavily pulsating, and there was quite a lot of energy and tension in the head. After that the energy subsided but started having heavy single pulses in the centre of my face, with each pulse the light will shine in. Again feel very centered at this time and it is easy to focus on the sensations quite equanimously.

However after a while things become calm and gradually I lost focus and got very drowsy. There was also a strong desire to stop sitting.

This morning I went through the similar experience yet again but its much less intense, and more subtle. I noticed the familar energy rising and awareness feeling centered, some lights, and tension in the head. When the energy subsided gradually it was hard to follow the thoughts and things sort of feel slowed down. It's takes an extra effort to note, and soon it was back to normal awareness, like I have just started sitting. There still were small buzzy sensations on the face.

This is great, Chuanose! You are really moving along. Just keep up the good work and don't assume that any experience is better than any other. Note them all. Three possibilities: could get better, could get worse, could stay the same.

Thanks Kenneth, will keep that in mind!

This evening I thought i was very tired and might fall asleep sitting, but once I sat within a couple of minutes i went into the same experience again. Its more intense than in the morning, I can feel my left eye being squeezed repeatedly with each pulse and it hurts a little. The pounding on the top of my head increased in frequency and intensity to maximum and then gradually got slower and softer and I was like in a bubble of calm, slowness and quiet.

However this time the energy didn't die down until it was as if i just started sitting, it seem to start to rise up again not long after. Soon there was much pulsating and vibration on my face again, though less intense than the prior maximum intensity experience, and my awareness still feels somewhat quiet and calm watching these pulses.

Didn't manage to get that high in the last few sits. The buzzing and pulsating is still there, but less intense, and seems to be in a different more chaotic frequency. Previously when I noted the sensations, I can sort of "sync in" with them and with more concentration the energy rises to the top of my head, and the pulses gets heavier. However now they I can't do that anymore.

The face buzzing and sensations still occur thorughout the day and before I sleep. The top of my head feels different, not very pleasant. Feel a bit tired and more emotional.

In last night's last sit the face sensations that were common before were no longer there. Instead there was a pulsating sensation at the top of my head at the same fixed frequency thoughout the whole sit.

This morning the pulsating and vibrations are subtle and many times not present at all. There also doesn't seem to be much energy. Often the mind was dull and drowsy, and its hard to follow sensations.

Throughout this week it's been largely the same, i.e. worse than before, no more interesting high energy experiences, no more good concentration during sits.

The pulsating sensations on the face are now very weak or gone, in the past the face swelled and contracted with each breath/heartbeat, but no longer. Some times in sits that I can concentrate a little better I feel a tension or heaviness at the top of my head, like some energy is trying to sink deep into my brain from the top (like a magnetic flux pattern), and there will be edgy vibrations on my face that seem to be constant in frequency and strength.

I'm also getting a lot more restless and get drowsy easily. I tried my best to note the mind states but its much harder to concentrate. I've switched to walking meditation a lot more often as that keeps me awake.

There was one sit however that I managed to persist in noting intently thruogh the restlessness and distractedness, and suddenly it seem like energy sort of rised up to the top of my head on it's own amidst the chaos and I was clear headed and calm again.

Keep the faith... to rip of star wars... "Everything is proceeding as the ancient yogis have foreseen"

Thanks for the encouragement, keeping the faith! The restlessness, distractedness and drowiness seem to be gone now.

Today at the start there was a pleasant smooth vibration pervading the insides of my head, face, body and arms. They just buzz away and I can watch the start, middle and end of each vibration quite clearly. The face pulses are also back. There are thoughts and music appearing and going away, but they are not too distracting. I'm not restless and don't mind them while watching everything that happens.

The intensity of vibrations/pulses and concentration seems to go up for awhile and then back down to normal a few times. Nearing the end the energy got stronger and I had what I think is the A&P experience again, but it's not very intense. There is an involuntary attractive force in the middle point of my head, steadily heightening the concentration, with high pressure/tension in the head, vibrations/pulses going on and then everything relaxes and I feel tingles or sparkles on the skin of my face and arms, and i get a little dizzy as things sort of slow down again.

However before long the vibrations are back. My eyebrow muscle tenses by itself, expanding and contracting, contorting itself, not very pleasant.

In today's sit there was mainly a very strong, somewhat harsh, constant frequency vibration/throbbing between the top of my head and base of my neck. Its like a rapid shaking of the top of my brain. At some point there were tingles on my skin.

Again very strong vibrations and throbbing on the top of my head and my forehead. Initially it was quite easy to concentrate, but gradually it got harder, like my awareness is swimming around in all this shaking. Near the end the face starting having edgy buzzy vibrations too.

The drop off in concentration may be due to you leaving a Jhana and entering into unstable strata. It could be a sign of progress in depth.

mumuwu: I'm not so familar with Jhanas, but it sure seems quite unstable. I like to think that it is progress too

Today's sit started off with a very tense left eyebrow, it was contracting so much it was kinda painful. I was quite tired from work these days, so the concentration/energy at night was weaker. Feels like I am half-drowsy swimming around in vibrations and sensations. Eyes are darting around. The mind feels like it is throbbing and unclear, maybe I am really half asleep? A few itchy sensations on my leg and arm. Nearing the end, suddenly I feel awake again, my eyes sort of focused itself on an imaginary point ahead on its own, and I am again calmly observing the sensations around me again.

I don't want to put the cart before the horse but my experience is like this

1st Jhana - Nice, rising warm energy, increasing pleasure and joy
2nd Nana - Cause and effect - Mind becomes slippery and unstable
3rd Nana - Three Chracteristics - I usually just notice some itching on face and body
2nd Jhana - Upsurge of energy, more than 1st Jhana, more stable, nicer

So, you might be getting into 2nd Jhana. I would continue to note and log it. I used a timer as well as that kind of helped me get a grip on the cycle. Your job at this point, I think, is bringing into conscious awareness that which is happening in deep levels of the brain. Keep noting. Sounds very familiar!

Had another chat with Kenneth where we went through the Jhanic arc. I was amazed how he could so clearly see the stages passing, however I think I am starting to get an idea of this!

Today's sit was very subtle, the pulses and sensations were mild, but I could follow them as they went from solidity, to some itchiness and difficulty in breathing, to (subtle) lights, face pulses, vibrations, to a light-headed-ness and chilled out attitude, to someone's car alarm just went off giving me a fright and itches and tightening on my temple, generally sick feeling like i'm ate too much MSG, and finally a focused and calm concentration for a while. Then after a while I descended and got sick again with MSG symptoms and itches and getting disturbed by door sounds.

I'm not sure if this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, like I am painting my experience with expectations, but it sure does feel like different stages changing.