Mark P's practice notes

Restarting my practice journal with the recommended naming convention. (My earlier notes are here: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/3985234/A%26P+or+Bust ) Participating in practice journaling for a month did seem to raise the baseline of my practice effort. Lately my practice feels like it lacks efficiency. My motto for this next round is borrowed from Mike Monson: "As I'm going with the idea that one just needs to do the practice as instructed and the results will follow as promised, my entire focus now is on technique. And, I'm doing everything I can to to try to make sure that I'm actually DOING the technique while I'm sitting there."

am sitting 1 hr: I found it difficult to note at times this morning because, even though present and experiencing the sensations, had trouble localizing and naming them. There was a feeling of general pressure trying to push out, maybe like being inflated somewhat like a baloon. Had trouble determining where exaclty the sensation was and got stuck on the idea that I should be able to find distinct sensations and forgot to note "confused", "looking" etc. When I could identify distinct pulsing for awhile tried to gauge ratio of continuity of mindfulness to getting lost in thought. It seemed to average about 50:50 with periods of thought or mindfulness each from 30 to 90 seconds. Ended the sitting with a sense of how much More precision is possible than I'm applying currently.

PM sittings: 1.5 hrs. The last 45 min sitting while settling into posture noticed image of doing that. Then noted feelings of the hands touching without image of the hands. Then noticed a painful constriction in the center of my brain between the top of the head and base of the spine. On noting that, the posture straightened up as if pulled up from the top. Detailed noticing seemed easy. Checked out the range of sensations available: images, sounds, tingling sensations, pressures and itches throughtout the body. Attention settled in the throat at one point and interior state seemed quiet and collected. Wondered how continuous the attention really was and tried to catch the momentary refreshing of sensations generally and for a couple of minutes it seemed like a quick slide show. Struck by the sense that there was only what was in the current slide without carry over of memories and associated thoughts from the previous slides. After 29 mins there was a noticable loss of lucidity and shortly mild drowsiness and distraction started. Family arrived home.

am sitting, 1 hr. Sparqi alerted me to how my practice logs might map to nanas 1 - 4, something I was just starting to get an inkling of. Revisiting Ron Crouch's log from the beginning, and his discovery of the nanas jumps out at me this time. Just before sitting watched some of Kenneth's and Nicolai's Skype sessions. I think I was absorbed in 2nd nana content on first sitting down. Thinking about the likelihood of a karmic connection between sentient beings and buddhas, bodhisatvas and arahats, and impermanence. About that time, I started consciously noting and evidently shifted into 3rd nana with strong energy of anxious grasping and determination.

(So, if I get how this works, the lower nanas can present and shift up and down without requiring clear comprehension that it's happening, but the degree to which one could have insight into the details of a nana's territory is broad. And it's possible to see that a nana is happening and it's details without consciously noticing and noting that as an experience. So, seeing it clearly and noting the experience is the practice. OK, I think I'm getting how to start working with nanas.)

continued: Noted the sensations, thoughts and feelings, considered that the anxious grasping and determination was likely 3rd nana and wondered if I could catch it shift to 4th. There was a lot of energy and roaming sensations though and discering the difference between when a strong energy was unpleasant or pleasant was difficult. (I often have trouble with noting feeling tone, it's hard to judge whether it's desirable, aversive or truly neutral. For many years of zazen I used the trick of concentrating on aversive feelings, on recommendation that they are easy to notice, and finding them become almost or outright pleasurable from concentration, that it may be hard for me to have a firmly negative attitude toward some garden-variety sensations. Similary have practiced neutral observation of pleasurable feelings for years. Those practices might encourage bystander etc, but maybe dulled my feeling tone categorizing facility?)

At some point noticed that the interesting energies no longer had anxious grasping, and tried to dig into the sensations of my head and upper chest that felt like pushing out with almost unpleasant pressure. Wondered if the center of attention could be lower in the body and instantly the expanding pressure shifted to my abdomen and was pleasurable. Impressed by that, I resolved the intention that my practice should go to the next level beyond current threshold and that I should be able to see something about that. My first thought was "knowledge of dissolution" and I thought I had quickly passing thoughts. On examining though there didn't appear to be much connection between thoughts about that and my actual sensations, so decided that was suggestive scripting.

continued: Noting had become detailed, clear and focused when I noticed the pinching up of my face around the nose, similar to mentioned in Skype session about 1st jhana, and I wondered if vipasanna concentration could bring on 1st jhana (I've never tried to identify a jhana before.) Shortly, the feeling that my body was expanding and had to take a bigger view, or it was filling up my whole view, not sure. Subsequently noted that, what might be the unexamined background sense of having a mental frame of reference, seemed notable as if it were an object that could be compared to something else (though, what?). It could be objectified and noticed to change. Have had something like this before. Then noticed that the sense of the whole body could be similarly noted but apparently distinguished, such as by its different changes. Both views of mind and body could be tracked together. Another take on 1st nana, I guess. (sparqi suggested this kind of thing might intersect with zen-style 2nd gear.) Then, while tracking those 2, for just a moment "saw" thoughts real-time as an energy at the throat. That felt momentarily unhinging to see those 3 about the same time and I imagined something was imbedding in that combination of experience that might have to imbed at the next background level if I could see that one clearly enough. But it didn't last or return to that extent. I think meditation has been probing that threshold for a little while now, but got a little closer and clearer that time. Afterwards felt like I could do an unfamiliarly broad sense of noting mind and body while doing the dishes. Now hopefully I can find it while staining the deck.

Smells like you are going somewhere with your practice, mpavoreal. Have you read what Kenneth wrote about concerning Vipassana Jhanas?

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Jhana+and+%C3%91ana

Certain nanas correspond to certain jhanas. If one gets "absorbed" in the sensations/ vibrations and pleasantness of the 1st nana instead of noting, you may shift to the first jhana.
If you get "absorbed" in the vibrations/sensations and pleasantness of the 3rd nana you may shift to the 2nd jhana. The same thing for the 4th nana corresponding with the 3rd jhana, and the 11th nana corresponding to the 4th jhana. I got across to 4th jhana one day by accidentally "riding" the pleasantness of the 11th nana rather than investigating and noting phenomena. So to answer your question of whether one could access jhana through Vipassana, I would say definitely, yes. Vipassana will take you through the specific nanas which you could use as spring boards to jhanaville.

Jhanas are cool and if you are curious, you could absorb yourself and "ride" the pleasantness of a specific nana into its corresponding jhana. This sort of access would be good for progress if you use it to jump jhanas up to the 4th and keep noting. After path, it's so much easier and I am of the opinion that the jhanas post-path are perhaps a little different than a pre-path jhana. Hmmm, I've been reading about supra-mundane jhanas lately. My opinion is always subject to change. Anyway, seems like you are "on your way". Keep on keeping on!

Nikolai, thanks so much for the detailed explanation and pointers. I'll try to consider what you've said in relation to my practice. The idea of focusing on noting and insight and going for 1st path, then taking up jhanas sounds great to me. Recognizing when you've slipped out of vipassana into a jhana sounds like an important skill. I'll read Kenneth's article again and see if I get more of it this time. The Skype videos are really moving by the way. Thanks again.

Got frustrated trying to practice for a few hours while staining the deck yesterday. I went into it with fairly good momentum, a physical and relatively non-discursive activity, seemed like a great practice opportunity. But it was like trying to stop a plumbing leak with your fingers. Just constant sprouting of thoughts with hooks. Did keep making the effort to come back to it and just kept failing to get any continuity of mindfulness. For a few seconds it would seem promising because it seemed like I was coming from a good space for interesting noting, then another thought sequence would take off, and they caught me every time for at least a few seconds. Got it to the point where I could catch the first 3 or 4 words of a thought but couldn't stop that from resulting in a few sentences of self talk. After awhile I noticed that it was almost all composing excuses for some inadequate performance at various things. It got so boring, but the compulsion to do that was not something I was deflating either by trying or by being bored and frustrated. Maybe therapy will help. Or more likely just getting somewhere deeper in my sitting practice.

Last night sitting: a few times lately the sitting starts with an attitude like "I want some privacy, don't note me, don't journal me, don't even know me".Though I was tire and hazy about what was going on, that energy was kind of strong for 20 mins or so before I went to bed, kind of like the mind casting things off. For 2 or 3 hours during the night had what is becoming an enjoyable form of insomnia where I do a pleasant lying down meditation. It's not real precise or continuous but enough to keep me awake yet not drained.

am sitting: 50 mins. Started with noting pulses for a few minutes then noting any cognizing of objects I could identify, like an image and intention and sense of motion to focus on an object. I tried to catch the very first sense of knowing an object I could find as soon as it happened. Got absorbed in a groove with this and noticed the face pinching up around the nose and thought this might be 1st jhana. (I don't get that concentrated with explicit concentration practices, in part because I'm usually bothered to some extent by the sense of opposing sides in concentration practice; this approach seems more like digging into that sense of opposition.) Sensation objects kept happening but my attitude was, they're already there, what value is added by re-cognizing them. Tried to stay with any subsequent sense of knowing or doing something about the arisen objects. It occurred to me that noting knowing seemed similar to questioning "what knows this?", a 2nd gear practice I've fumbled with at times. Switched to that toward the end of the sitting and found it continued off the cushions while preparing for work. Then the momentum of it lasted around the edges of working until lunch.

Went for a walk in the cemetary during lunch and picked it up again as "what knows this?". I wasn't direclty focusing on sensations -- they'd already happened. It was more like clearing the way for the next sensations. Thoughts didn't seem like a problem, it occurred to me that it's thoughts about the thoughts that seem like a problem. I wondered if this is at all what's indicated by "in the seen there is only the seen". A lot of speculating, but it was a pretty compelling practice morning. I'd like to go further with "what knows this?". I know this was kind of a honeymoon fling with a new sense of the practice and a couple of days from now it'll seem incomprehensilbe and repugnant . But it keeps coming back around. I plan to keep going with it through the dry spells this time until I meet with Kenneth at the end of the week and see what he advises.

am sitting: 70 mins. Decided to spend the whole sitting questioning "what knows this?". Noticed that the Long standing pattern of taking about 1/2 hour to settle in has changed recently. Within minutes the spontaneous loosening movements from the 50 or 60 minute point started. Energy started at the top of my head, something new, rather than the forehead. Something else new is that the places where energy goes now includes the area where the neck meets the spine.

This was one of those sittings where it's kind of nice but I just don't want to stop because it's not quite satisfying. Got an inkling today what that's about: evidently it feels anti-climactic because the concentration doesn't get to some point that has some sense of release, purification or rejuvination or something. Sometimes when that happens I might sit for an hour and 1/2 or more and never quite hit it. Still, it felt like an honest work out, kept returning pretty steadily to the practice.

Later in meetings I was surprised by some interior sense, that I could settle into for several seconds at a time. There was also a noticably heightened sense of social-emotional authenticity. (I think this can be a big issue for people on the autistic spectrum [ASD] because you learn to relate socially by basically imitating what social interaction looks like. An Amazing thing about meditation is that it may somehow slowly bring an ASD person into some actual experience of the more normal empathetic-emotive range, which maybe feels comparable to acquiring special powers Later I switched to more typical ASD type experience of feeling vulnerably out of kilter, anxious etc, but it felt like there was a perspective from which to watch it with interest and real desire for it to be just what it was without interference.

During the night woke up cranky about being awake again at 2am. Questioned what is this? Got up and sat for awhile. Can't recall much but went to bed cheerful and refreshed and slept. Woke up early and intended to keep sleeping but noticed that my brain seemed scrambled or something, didn't seem like it could generate any mental images except a bunch of shards from a broken kaleidescope jangling and spinning around. Oddly, this didn't alarm me at all. I felt calm, cheerful and untouched by it, except interested. Seemed like the only thing normal was an ordinary sense of self, like a proto-self image without the image, since I couldn't do images. Figured I might as well get up to sit. As soon as I got up this stopped.

am sitting: 1 hr. Spent the hour questioning what knows this about any and everything I could. My sense of what it means to question that was a shifting target, but it was very engaging. Predominant sensations are in peripheral awareness and it remains reassuring if I feel peripherally in touch with them, but trying to question is the focus. At first there is usually an image of something being questioned but usually that becomes ongoingly questioned too.

pm sittings: 2+ hours. This what knows? practice is really engaging. Starting to get a bit of a feeling that I'm on a ride rather than anxiously peddling. It still requires hard work, but I'd rather do nothing else -- although that traditional gung ho thought seems a little silly sometimes today, sort of an, Im already here questioning, so what's the issue. But then shortly I do lose it. But it's been a little funny sometimes picking it back up, it's not as easy to tell the difference between losing it and picking it back up if I'm not changing it either way (but only questioning who knows it). I guess I should make myself go to bed.

am sitting, 90 mins. Continued with questioning "What knows this?" Wanted to bring a good meditative head to my Skype with Kenneth this morning. Got up to get ready for work later intending to sit again before meeting with Kenneth. But my wife immersed in grad school grabbed me as soon as I got up from sitting needing help on her database modeling. It was an interesting 10 or 15 minutes struggle to get my brain back to abstract conceptual mode after an hour and half steeping in the other direction! Helped my wonderful friend with her problem and now I can remember almost nothing about the sitting.

Then I got to spend time with another wonderful friend. My meditative cool was initially blown by academic brain storming, but Kenneth led me through an extended meditation demonstration. Isn't that amazing how Kenneth does that? He also gave me a very clear explanation of how 2nd gear fits in the yogi toolkit and why the best tool for where I'm at right now is 1st gear noting (rather than primary emphasis on 2nd gear questioning/witnessing). That's fine with me, I love noting. Just didn't know how to tell which paths go off to the side from the one that leads me straight ahead. Particularly, Kenneth helped me to experience pulsing more panoramically as well as more minutely than I had before. Looking forward to exploring that this weekend.

am sittings 1 hour, pm 15 mins. Noting details of pulses in different parts of the body. Instead of trying to investigate epistemological questions, following Kenneth's lead (from recent guided meditation) and digging into detailed sensations of different pulses simultaneously. Tried to continue that when I could remember (with a little success) during daily activities as well. Noticed tonight that if I go straight for the feelings and skip the mental image of a sensation, then I can feel vibrations that evidently may be too fine for my mind to represent visually. At any rate, this gives me a better feel for finer vibrations in the sensations.

am sittings 75 mins: trying to be present and quiet with sensations throughout the body with a focus on pulses, energies and vibrations. There seemed to be enough mindfulness to try mostly skipping noting as quiet noticing seemed to make it easier to find subtler vibrations. A lot of expansive energies with pressure in the head and trunk. More restlessness than usual; had to make an effort to allow the restlessness and keep sitting. Toward the end the quietness had become appealing and didn't want to stop but things to do.

Interesting about your Skype session with Kenneth - and yes, he's really good at this - but I was wondering, Mark, as I continue to read your journal here regularly why you keep bouncing around from one technique to another. Glad Kenneth is helping you stick with a technique long enough for it to work for you.

cmarti, I'm very interested in your feedback. Kenneth advised aiming for 1st path via noting. I didn't get clear though about how to relate to the yogi toolkit. Sometimes it sounds like you pull out whatever tool seems to work best right now. Or if your practice seems out of balance, then use a complimentary practice. But thank you for the reality check that I've been bouncing around! It's not surprising. I get anxious that I'm not finding the handle on practice that's really going to work with my circumstances. Or sometimes the yogi toolkit gets like being a kid in a candy shop. But with you and Kenneth kindly boxing my ears, I will do better at aiming straight ---->>>! If you feel generously inclined, please feel free to point out a frank reality check anytime you see one. ~Mark

"I get anxious that I'm not finding the handle on practice that's really going to work with my circumstances."

That's a problem I had, too. It's called "impatience." I would get antsy that whatever I was doing wasn't working fast enough, or imagined that it wouldn't ever work at all, so I'd switch to something else. My "fast switching" of meditation techniques probably caused me to waste time and energy earlier in my practice. I'd argue that what Kenneth has told you to do is exactly what you should do. I'm assuming you've explained to Kenneth what your objectives are, of course, so Kenneth being Kenneth he's going to set you on a course to do just that as efficiently as possible. Just follow his instruction and have faith that it'll bear fruit... because it will.

Yes. I have faith in Kenneth and the practice. Now if I can just keep recognizing and interrupting distraction.

Up till 1:30am night before last helping my wife with a project and slept too late to sit yesterday a.m. The project's demands caught us by surprise and as my expectations for the end of the weekend were changed a package of logical but unhelpful thoughts about how put out I was came up. My meditation accomplishments are less than minor league but one thing I really appreciate is the occasional ability to not believe my thoughts, let them go and be happier. It sounds kind of like nothing but in the past I would have thought that my ideas about how tired I would be and starting the work week wrecked and blah blah were actually real and unavoidable. Practice has shown that "tired" and "wrecked" are constructs that aren't likely the actual experience I'll find opening to the current moment. Totally elementary in this context, but an occasional nice return from the practice, relative to my experience. And a little nicer for those who have to live with me too. It occurs to me that there are more beliefs than I see that I still fall for big time.

Went for an intended meditation walk last evening but became so drawn into thought trains that I'd have to rank it as idle strolling. PM sittings last night, around an hour. I was so tired that I can't clearly recall what I was doing. Just that for a few minutes at the beginning there was an uncommon lucidity and I remember feeling like I could readily notice maybe any of the sense gates including mental in an objective way. I remember thinking that it wouldn't take so much just to see through all this stuff. But then uncertainty came back again and things quickly returned to normal. Just a passing state but interesting that it happened on a day when I was tired and missed my morning sitting.

AM Sitting, 1 hour. Took 10 mins to settle down before getting into a groove mostly with physical sensations and energies moving around. The sensations and energies were mostly pleasant, sometimes maybe mildly "rapturous". Some pains that started up and persisted were interesting and not noticably disturbing. Before long I was settling into a very pleasant groove with the sensations which were sometimes like a general field of tingling (but not so much like fine vibrations this time). Although I was trying to notice changing details, might have verged into kind of a 1st jhana concentration at times. At one point I had that kind of waking up to my body in general feeling like, "doh! back here where I actually live again!" And felt a resolve to try to nurture & continue that sense of being tangibly present.

am sitting: decided to give myself an hour and resolved to practice as continuously as possible from the start. That pretty much happened. Settled into a groove with noting or noticing physical sensations or anything else that became predominant, but mostly physical predominated. Noticed that precise, detailed continuity or intently focused concentration never kicked in. But mindfulness felt pretty steady throughout. In the last 5 mins mental activity perked up and became noted. I had a reluctant feeling that it was time to come out of the groove and in fact it was 59 mins. Since Kenneth's guided meditation last Friday, sitting has had this more grounded, physical flavor that feels balancing.

Went for a long meditation walk this evening that was blessedly meditative. Used "See how it..." noting to get into a groove, but then mindfulness felt grounded enough to rely on mostly just noticing. At times settled into physical sensations; at other times watched the visual and mental fields intently as well. Toward the end sounds and physical sensations complimented each other, increasing the concentration of the vipassana. Both took on a similarly granular and discontinuous quality. A dogs bark was striking for its discontinuous flow. Played with the discontinuity of sounds while trying to maintain awareness of the mutual granularity of body sensations and sounds. Felt too drawn to sit to eat when I got home, but ended up falling asleep.