Mark P's practice notes

Yesterday I continued to notice that I had more awareness available at work than Im used to
and continued to experiment with trying to be aware/note more from the center of my body than from my head.
I was reflecting on how this seemed to involve more allowing sensations to arise in-place rather than "going
over to them" with focused attention. This went with feelings of quiet and stillness and sometimes felt
a little non-localized.

By yesterday I was noticing that despite the sense of having a somewhat altered
state, sensations were still just happening as usual, including the usual 3rd nana itches etc.
So, started trying to let go of interest in my state and get more precise about sensations. At one point it seemed
I was meeting a full range of sensations pretty close, quiet and choicelessly. That motivated me
to be even more intent on sensations without regard to states or thoughts.

It seemed that I caught how what I think of as a state (of quiet, stillness etc) may be largely fast memory impressions left
by sensations that get sticky as I dwell on them. I briefly wondered if a state (as a presumed context
for sensations) is mostly just an idea. Seems there's an endless supply of representations like that
when the going is unfamiliar or fascinating.

Kept trying to note and let go of considerations and get back
to the sensations -- which were strikingly bare and sensate. I felt very settled in bare sensory experience
to the point that I didn't care how I looked walking around real slowly and grooving on simple sensations.

Awesome Mark.

Sounds good!

Expecting last night to fall into obliviously exhausted sleep, instead both of my legs had an intense cramp-like sensation that made twitching, squirming and stretching nearly irresistble, but with no relief. Sleep was out, but the intense sensation was a great meditation object. So, attempted to relax my legs and keep still. Resisting the urge to stretch caused the unpleasant sensation to flare up to an orgasmic intensity that was a riveting object, even if aversive. Likely that meditation would have been very interesting, but I worried that with only 4 hours sleep the previous night, if I did it again I'd be a basket case at work. So I took an ativan to get to sleep.

A.M. sitting, 1.5 hours. The new practice territory of the previous 4 days is gone, back to normal. It feels like a range of sensitivity is numbed out. This reminds me of the discussion on Mike Monson's journal, yesterday, about drinking derailing practice momentum. I've read that Ativan acts similarly on the brain as alcohol in some ways. Bummer. Thinking I'd rather be exhausted and feeling like my practice momentum is still blazing. Concentration wasn't bad though, so just noted the predominant object as best I could. Seemed like I did OK, but after an hour & half, no special states, energies or insights.

Thanks, Mu! Little bit of a come down today Back to just practicing.

Kenneth's been calling it the wheel lately, because when it's subtle it gets gross eventually and when it's gross it get's subtle again eventually.

Good point, thanks. Who knows, ativan may have had nothing to do with it? We just keep on keepin on!

am sitting, 1 hour. With more practice I'll likely get better at discerning my current physical and mental state openly and non-judgementally and applying tools from the kit accordingly. I think I was a bit attached to how I was working 2 days ago, with that karma, rather than what was presenting this morning, which was a little spacier. I tried to apply somewhat choiceless, soft noting, I think assuming that is a superior approach. That was OK, minful continuity was fair, but I wasn't catching verbal thought. Afterwards I realized that a more overt, structured noting, like jotting down sensations and concentrating briefly on changing sensations likely was more called for today.

Kind of a fascinating day. A couple of days ago it felt like my new degree of awareness was (relative to my experience -- which is still novice by the high standards of KFD!) revealing hangups and relaxing and even dissolving them wonderfully. Today the psycho-energetic and physical manifestations of my habitual neuroses are back but against the contrast of the recently revealed possibilities, which are still faintly accessible. Hopefully those were previews of coming attractions. At least they point out the potential impermanence of my habits.

It's a challenge to keep myself focused on noting, so I'm re-labeling my practice journal to remind myself what my pre-1st Path journaling is for. kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/4137817/-