body attention, energy blockages

I recently wrote up a piece on some physical pain/tension problems that have been dogging my meditation practice from pre-A&P up till now (tentatively I'm in first path review, though there's I am not ready to make that claim for sure yet). Seeing as these carried on throughout the various nanas, I can't quite fit them into the standard insight stages model here (ie: they can't just be Dark Night symptoms since they began pre-A&P and continued afterwords). So I wrote this up and asked Kenneth's opinion on it. He suggested that I post it in the "Guest Writing" section, and so I have: bit.ly/aTEVHj

This was done in the interest of both sharing and asking if anyone else has experienced something like this, heard of something this, and/or might have any advice. If nothing else, I hope it's an entertaining read. : )

To bring the report up to date, I've pretty much stopped finding those capsulated areas in my awareness, as they seem to have mostly faded into the background. Though after a long sit on Sunday, I did notice one in my abdomen. After putting my awareness into that, I've begun to realize how much a void that whole area is, and that its beginning to kind of "wake up". There's also a feeling of a tightness there, rather than a solidity, and the breath moves a bit more freely. Though I do notice that I am in a really good mood after something like this. It seems to lessen the subtle underlying anxiety I carry around with me.

The improvement in my concentration (and my practice in general) seems to be continuing as well, though the source of that is open to debate. If I have reached first path, then the improvements could all be coming from that, as could this easy finding of the "capsules" within my awareness. In any case, it's at least another data point to add to the collection. : )

Great post Ian. Makes me want to explore some of those empty places in my own awareness.

I had also been going through some weird painful/worrisome experiences, I even had my heart checked out at the doctor. Haven't had them in a while, but yeah, definitely glad you wrote this up.

P.S.
Jealous you are located near Owen/Kenneth.

I wonder if we'll ever see another Newfoundlander on KFD...

Thanks Mu, glad I'm not the only one going to the doctor over these things!

One thing I feel is important to add (and maybe Owen can say some more on this) is that he originally recommended going to see a somatic therapist while doing this kind of thing. For me, it was such an entirely body based sensation, and the physical pain had gone on so long that I felt addressing them through a body-based attention was probably going to be OK.

By which I don't mean, don't do it, just do it carefully, if you decide to do it. It might not be the best thing to do during a time of feeling ******, I was definitely in equanimity, if not 1st path review, when I did it.

I'd also say to really listen to your body on this. I've noticed a similar empty feeling in my heart area sometimes, but something keeps warning me away from going into that one. Like my heart's saying it's (or I'm) not ready for that one yet. The empty places do seem to carry some kind of negative charge around them, which seems to be what's keeping the awareness out of there, but try to get a flavor of that charge. For me, they seem "ripe" when there's kind of a dryness to them, sort of like the "evil's" oozed out and just the shell is left.

Mu, if this does feel like something you want to check out, keep us posted on what happens, OK? I'm curious. : )

Hey Ian,
Good writeup. I enjoyed it and thank you for your kind words.

Specifically, the practice I was referring to is called Somatic Experiencing.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing

I went though it over the last year or so with one hell of a good practitioner. I was deep in the dark night and I got caught up being unable to deal with, what was in retrospect some pretty traumatic sh*t from my past.

Having done that, I'm left to the conclusion that for some of us, if we want to make progress with this practice, we have to go back and heal. And for all its faults, the western psychological tradition has made some stunning inroads over the last couple of decades. I'm particularly fond of SE because it does for correcting breaks in the developmental stages what Noting Practice does for traversing the transpersonal stages. It also seems to cut through all the content crap, which leads to spending almost no time focusing on long winded stories and explanations that wind up going nowhere and instead puts you in present focused body awareness.

The reason I caution against doing it by yourself is that, when some of these "capsules in awareness" break up, the shock waves can be intense and destabilizing. They are there for a reason, and you can hurt yourself if you don't have skillful support, especially if the trauma is deep.

So that's my 2 cents. I encourage people who come to this practice to heal (or for spiritual bypass, but that's another story) to take a long look at your past and think hard as to whether or not you are stable enough to take on what is sometimes a deeply destabilizing endeavor. If you need help in the relative world with relative suffering, I encourage people to go get it. It was from the foundation of healing and stability that I was finally able to make it through the insight stages.

Metta,
-o

Thanks guys.

There have been several moments for me where noting a particular area or sensation seems to have brought up a huge emotional issue I hadn't experienced fully at the time along with very raw very powerful emotions and afterward that particular issue either went away entirely or got significantly better.

This happened via standard noting/concentration practice.

I'll keep it to that level for now.

This is excellent Ian. I think Owen is absolutely right. It can be trauma and I don't really think it comes from just one past experience.

I've had this issue too and I have definitely found a connection between psychological defense mechanisms and the capsules. I had these voids inside my head and what I discovered in practice is that I was clinging to a personality. Not a feeling, not a sensation but a personality.

I even made it tridimensional, the whole thing had width, depth and height. It was like a mental face (with volume) inside my physical face. To dissolve it, I would note not just the form, but also de type of character it reflected, the more I revealed this personality, the more it dissolved. Turns out it was a well defined "me" trying to be very friendly. Behind that, I sensed a defensive aspect of myself, kind of angry, and behind that a scared self (formless self).

I used to see a psychoanalist a few years ago. I learned a lot there, I learned how my mind (or any mind) can develope deep mechanisms, abstract mechanisms to defend itself, to define itself, to enjoy itself, etc. This helped a lot to uncover this "personality with volume".

Then energy started to flow again. I hope this helps =)

Thanks Owen, Alex, Mumuwu, this is helpful.

Owen, I hadn't realized this was specifically related to balancing the ANS. Gudo Nishijima's has a theory that Zazen is basically just balancing the ANS as well. Interesting. You can check out his speculations here: www.dogensangha.org/downloads/Pdf/ANS&Buddhism.PDF (though they're a little strange)

Mumu, yeah, that "either went away entirely or got significantly better" sounds very familiar, both to whatever this "capsule" thing is, and to noting practice as well.

Alex, that's some intense visualization stuff there, though it sounds pretty damn effective. Was this during your sessions with the psychoanalyst, or after? I've gone through some therapy myself, though it definitely wasn't body based. Maybe that's something I should look into...

Ian: Oh no, the visualization work was after seeing a psychoanalist. I'll I did was really examine who I was (kinda like 2nd gear) over and over again, till I realized I had some characters in there. I could do this because I learned to be very honest, clear and open while in psychoanalisys therapy. The psychoanalist didnt teach me visualization techniques, he just taught me how to verbalize what I saw inside myself.

Gotcha. Wasn't sure if the analysis came before learning the visualization techniques or afterwords.

Thanks for clarifying Alex.

Learning how to be honest, clear, and open. Sounds like sila training to me... ; )

So I wrote to Nick Halay on this issue, as I know he has years of experience in the Goenka body sweeping tradition. I figured there was a good chance that something like this had popped up in that tradition, since it is so focused on the body. And it seems my assumptions were on the mark. Nick's kindly let me reproduce our conversation here, although he does emphasize that what he's said is just the way it seems to him, not any kind of absolute truth or anything. In any case, I began by writing to Nick:

Hey Nick,

Since you were in the Goenka tradition for a long time, and they mainly do the body sweeping practice over there, I was wondering if you could take a look at the piece I wrote up here (when you have a chance, of course) and let me know if this is something that comes up in that practice.

I'm not familiar with Goenka or body sweeping myself, other than what I've read about it here, but it seems to me that something like what I've described must come up (for some people at least) with any body based practice.

Anyway, just hoping you could take a quick look at it and let me know what your thoughts are:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/body...%2C+energy+blockages

Thanks so much,
Ian Reclusado

Nick's reply:

Hi Ian,

Yeah, the sweeping method is something Kenneth once called stealth kundalini yoga. It is very effective in having the body go haywire. When I started sitting in that tradition, I would get so much tension and pain and pressure in my back. I was a very stressed university student at the time so it was all that tension being given a chance to untie.

I also got all sorts of crazy physio-energtic pressure/pain/flow of negativity in the chakra points and particularly out the soles of my feet. I had a lot of back pain in my past from being a stressed out personality. So whenever I sat a Goenka course, I felt all of this pain and pressure come out in spectacular fashion. Lots of that stuff is psychosomatic and when there is a letting go of it, it is released. In my experience, the whole awakening process pre and post path is a physio-energetic one. We store up a lot of trauma and crap in our bodies and when you stop multiplying that crap with your habit patterns, and start disidentifying with it all, then you let it play itself out and finally release and untie.

What you experienced is not abnormal at all. In fact it is the most common occurrence , at least in the Goenka tradition, as they are dealing strictly with the sensations of the body and sweeping the entire body. So any past traumas or tension is often dealt with very quickly on a yogi's first 10 day course. The whole body in and out is swept through and the object is to get the mind to be able to feel the subtlest of vibrations in every living part of the body and with equanimity without reacting to it.

The way I see it, when we react , say with anger at something, the body tenses. It contracts. Muscles tense. Muscles get tenser. This creates a body memory. A habitual tendency. Every time you get angry, the muscles tense some more. The habit is a whole lifetime of tensing the muscles. The muscles harden.

(cont)

You start to meditate. You sweep the body. You get to the muscles that hold all that angry tension. You might suddenly get a memory of when you got angry at someone. Anger stirs within, muscles tense, but this time you don't mutiply the habit of getting angry which makes the muscle get tenser. Instead you observe the sensations with equanimity. Like a fire which has no more wood thrown on it, it will eventually burn itself out. That is Goenka's take on "eradicating" sankharas. You essentially do the same when you note Mahasi style, as you are allowing that phenomena to arise and play itself out naturally without adding any fuel to the fire (reacting and rolling in it with anger or whatever)

Then we have all the crazy kundalini energy, which arises after A/P. From my first course I have had a lot of pain and pressure and ****** sensations at every chakra point. You are basically unblocking the energy channels when you practice insight. What is the big blockage to the energy flow of the body but the identification with phenomena. You dis-identify and essentially you step out of the way" to allow this energy to rise. It comes up against energy blockages where perhaps traumas and negative habits formed connected to specific sensations in the body and particular chakras. My theory is that when you set off the rising energy at an A/P, this energy passes through the chakras setting off some pretty ****** sensations which in turn set off all sorts of mind states and thoughts/memories. Maybe this is dark night. it makes sense to me as once the energy gets to the third eye and the crown, I am essentially in Equanimity of formations nana.

Make sense?

Hope this helps.
Nick

My reply to Nick:

This is great stuff Nick, thanks so much for taking the time to write it up. Do you mind if I add it to the page for the piece I wrote up?

I find it interesting that you and Owen both have been through body trauma clearing practices, and afterwords had so much success with Kenneth's methods.

I'm in total agreement with your take on it. It seems like you're clearing out the effects of past karma, as its stored in the body, and that this allows the physio-energy structure to be built without any blockages getting in the way.

Thanks again!
Ian

(to which he obviously replied yes. )

"I find it interesting that you and Owen both have been through body trauma clearing practices, and afterwords had so much success with Kenneth's methods.

I'm in total agreement with your take on it. It seems like you're clearing out the effects of past karma, as its stored in the body, and that this allows the physio-energy structure to be built without any blockages getting in the way."

To which I'd just like to add that this too is only a loose theory on my part, nothing more than pattern recognition. But I would be curious what everyone's thoughts are on this.

"You get to the muscles that hold all that angry tension. You might suddenly get a memory of when you got angry at someone. Anger stirs within, muscles tense, but this time you don't multiply the habit of getting angry which makes the muscle get tenser. Instead you observe the sensations with equanimity. Like a fire which has no more wood thrown on it, it will eventually burn itself out. "

Oh man oh man, I've been doing this while sitting at my desk typing up emails and wow, does it work.

At least for me, at least right now. Arising and passing away of muscle tension. Imagine that... : )

"This was done in the interest of both sharing and asking if anyone else has experienced something like this, heard of something this, and/or might have any advice. If nothing else, I hope it's an entertaining read. : )
"

Hi everyone,

I hope it's ok to revive an old thread..

I have been searching many times on the net about Goenka's style of Vipassana and occurences of what I would also intuitively call "energy blockage". I haven't found much so it was comforting to read your account.

Before I go on I just found some comfort in Daniel Ingram's MCTB there is this passage: "You straighten out, and soon enough it does it again. That's a very Three Characteristics sort of pattern. People sometimes describe these feelings as some powerful energy that is blocked and seems wants to get out or move through." See The Progress of Insight chapter, and page 174 of the PDF.


I think I've been experiencing something similar. I've been having what I call "twitches" or spasms on the left side instead of the right side. It seems to correspond to your description as I feel the pain or tension from the shoulder sometimes all the way down to the left hand. I also feel the pain higher up the shoulder so that would be the collarbone? (French speaking native).

During my first Goenka retreat I noticed my left shoulder was always going up. I felt a tension in the shoulder. I was sweating heavily under the arm pits. Recently after a "home retreat" of 10 days I finally noticed a heat sensation linked to it. I couldn't feel anything in the left side with Goenka's vipassana technique, until the tenth day where I felt a lancing pain at the top of the shoulder.

Three years later I went back for a second retreat, and a few days in my left shoulder started doing these little twitches, but this time they went on for the rest of the day.

"This was done in the interest of both sharing and asking if anyone else has experienced something like this, heard of something this, and/or might have any advice. If nothing else, I hope it's an entertaining read. : )
"

(continued)

... These tiny spasms I could feel in the left shoulder continued even as I was laying on my left side in bed. I had been feeling this tension in my left shoulder area also outside of meditation practice for some time and was really hoping somehow that the presumed "energy blockage" would heal at that point. The next day the tension was back, but for the rest of the course my left shoulder stay put. It raised at times when my concentration was weaker. As I put my attention in the left shoulder and arm during vipassana, I would get various lancing pains that seemed to be along an imaginary line down the arm, and as far as the back of the hand.

I asked the teacher about the shouder spasms and he said something along the lines that "sankharas can affect weak muscles in the body" and basically not to worry about it.

Interestingly I was also experiencing tiny twitches in one eyelid for a while, and some sort of "bubbling" or spasms inside the tummy area, which in my case I think were clearly related to many many years of intense situational anxiety (social anxiety). What made these interesting/funny is that they were happening "live" as I was sitting at work, mostly, and they felt like a release .. as if some healing was taking place.. but so very slowly...

The same pattern happened in one area of the front left side, near the heart area. I was poking around this very intense pain during my Goenka retreats, and over the next few months I felt also these tiny little spasms inside that area at random times of the day, outside of meditation.

"This was done in the interest of both sharing and asking if anyone else has experienced something like this, heard of something this, and/or might have any advice. If nothing else, I hope it's an entertaining read. : )
"

(continued)

Anyway, the reason why I was obsessing about the left side pain and wondering about "energy blockage" as you do, is that contrary to other various "gross sensations" (as Goenka puts it), which would vary and happen at random places, the pain and tension I experienced on the left side was always in the same area.

This made it difficult for me to do the body scanning technique, especially on my first retreat as the pain was so intense I could hardly focus my mind on other areas at times. By intensity I mean I felt like I had a knife thrust in my back, pretty much The area was also rather wide, and it was very difficult to say whether the pain was on the front or back, which at times led me to fantasize that I had some energy blockage around the heart. That may be possible... but then I guess that's not very important in the long run as they are bound to dissolve with continued practice and "poking around" as Goenka puts it.

As I did a lazy man's version of a retreat at home for the last 10 days (~4h per day) I noticed also that when I rested my attention in some of those intense gross sensations, sometimes I would feel a rather tense and unpleasant sensation would engulf me for half a second, and my body would shake a little.

"This was done in the interest of both sharing and asking if anyone else has experienced something like this, heard of something this, and/or might have any advice. If nothing else, I hope it's an entertaining read. : )
"

(continued)

The good news is after three retreats the intense pains I had on the left side torso have become weaker, and the areas of pain have diminished somewhat. It's just really hard to be equanimous and telling yourself "this is impermanent" when you are looking at something that feels very solid and is always in the same spot, contrary to many other gross pains that move around the body.

Like you I guess these are related to trauma.

In my case I'm pretty sure these are related to many years of mild to intense situational anxiety. Fittingly when you are stressed the shoulders lift, unconsciously, and perhaps that's where "sankharas" just pile up, created one hell of a bundle of sankharas that take a lot of time to dissolve (just a theory).

My biggest worry has been how long it will take to heal this, and whether I have any chance at getting A&P now or if I really have to completely heal this thing first.

On the plus side, after three Goenka retreats of pretty much only gross, painful sensations, and ten more days at home... I think I finally experienced the "flow" that he refers to: a very pleasant, very fine, tingly sensation that engulfed the body and then faded out slowly, leaving me teary eyed. Moments before that I was actually looking at a pleasant sensation thinking to myself "no way, a PLEASANT sensation, can you believe this?" Hopefully that's some good news for other Goenka adepts with a past of mild to severe anxiety and possibly other trauma...

"This was done in the interest of both sharing and asking if anyone else has experienced something like this, heard of something this, and/or might have any advice. If nothing else, I hope it's an entertaining read. : )
"

The somatic therapy is very interesting.

How about other forms of alternative healing techniques? Those techniques that Goenka retreats doesn't want you to practice? Are those Reiki, Yoga, tantric healing and such?

I looked into Yoga but it seems to me it would take a while and I would probably heal faster just continuing with vipassana.

What would be very encouraging is to hear from 1st-pathers who went through severe anxiety in the past and/or various trauma, which I presume create those "sankharas" or "physio-energetic" imprints in the body that feel like an energetic blockage.

Another interesting subject for research is the connection between these chakra/lines of energies and the nervous system, as it appears they interfere with it.

I also wish I could find more examples/stories of these "sticky/dense sankharas" and perhaps other alternative healing techniques that may help speed up the healing.

Thanks, and sorry for the long winded novel. I just wanted to chime in as I feel there are very few reports of pragmatic Vipassana from people with lots of pain in their past, be it traumas or anxiety, depression, panic attacks.

And thanks also for the amazing information over here! These last ten days I experimented with noting, as well as noting and labelling 'this, this... this" as a variation from Goenka's body scanning technique and it helped significantly.

Here's more relevant from Daniel Ingram's MCTB:

"Even if these unpleasant physical manifestations do slack off for a bit, they are likely to keep coming back until one's insight is sufficient to progress beyond this part of this stage. Thus, should one find such things interfering with one's life, I recommend continued precise and accepting practice. This is a phase of practice when strong effort and very quick investigation really pay off"

Later he says:

"As the mind gains speed at really seeing each of the sensations of the mind and body come and go, and the jerkiness from cause and effect can get quite rapid and pronounced. These physical movements and spasms seem to help break up the physical tension that may sometimes accompany this stage, and are a sign of progress."

I think I started getting there. Does he mean when you look at a pain that seems to be throbbing or pulsing? Goenka often uses these words "throbbing, pulsing". I tend to note "pulsing" in relation to the heart beat because it seems that feeling the heart beat around in the body is one of the first layers that attention gets on easily. Pains sometime do seem to vary in intensity in parrallel with the blood flow.

But what Daniel is pointing at I'm guessing is the "throbbing" where looking closely it seems the pain might be blipping on and off, very fast.

I'm just barely getting there, I think. I would sometimes focus on the intensity of the sensation and see where it is high and where it is low. Usually that would first be noticed in rhythm with the blood pulse.

Now that I remember I did that with a very strong and pointed pain down the throat (Adam's apple), looking at the "pulsing" of the sensation led to the body shaking. Even felt the heart beating strongly and getting hot as I was doing this.

"I just wanted to chime in as I feel there are very few reports of pragmatic Vipassana from people with lots of pain in their past, be it traumas or anxiety, depression, panic attacks."

Hey fabriced, I greatly agree with most of what you said as I experience similar issues. From my experience, I believe this is important to address because these content related things can be a major obstacle to progress, especially for beginner to intermediate practitioners of Vipassana. Underlying anxieties and tension can be very difficult to bear while sitting completely still. Trying to focus on the breath or any kasina object isn't as simple as it is for others if you have a vortex of pain near your heart. The only advice I can give you, which I just started doing recently in the past couple of weeks is to 100% confront the pain, but with no reaction. You will naturally react but note the reactions themselves. Instead of trying to fight the pain to focus on some other object make the pain the object of focus. Observe how it behaves. After months of trying to practice like everyone else trying to focus on other things I realized that instead of fighting my minds pull towards negativity I could use it as a way to focus on painful objects. Negativity sucks, but if you can't fight you might as well use it to your advantage. That doesn't mean that you should become negative or attracted to negative on purpose. Interestingly enough, doing this practice allows me to be less negative and clingy in daily life. I'm sure once I attain path and make more progress I won't have to rely on the pain so much.

"The only advice I can give you, which I just started doing recently in the past couple of weeks is to 100% confront the pain, but with no reaction. You will naturally react but note the reactions themselves."

Good advice!

In the Goenka tradition I was sitting and observing various physical pains and trying to be equanimous. Try as I might during my first three retreats I don't recall seeing any pleasant sensation anywhere, mostly pain and neutral (slow?) tickling/vibrations save for a couple "flows" which I think where greatly helped by interacting with the teachers somehow.

So there is that aspect which can be quite discouraging, because there is lots of talk about "flow" and pleasant sensations, bliss, etc which may not come for a while, and others seem to be experiencing those even on a first retreat. That said, as you mention, watching the pain, "dissecting" it as Goenka puts it, builds equanimity which then leads to a much sweeter life for some time... even if one experienced (or was only aware of) just pain during the retreat.

"Trying to focus on the breath or any kasina object isn't as simple as it is for others if you have a vortex of pain near your heart."

Interesting. I was fancying that the pain was around the heart and thus it was difficult to locate whether it was on the front, left side, backside under the shoulder blade. One wonders where to start. I'm still not 100% sure. IanReclus' account is with pain running alongside his right side. Speaking of physio-energetic development, the pains along the arm, shoulder, and sometimes up to the jaw seem to match energy lines on the sides from Chinese medicine (does that make sense?). Such observation doesn't help me one bit with meditation though ..

Thank you for your encouragement. Over the course of three retreats the pain really has lessened so the hardest part is behind... hopefully. I don't want to sound like a badass ninja but, and I'm sure it would be true for others in the same situation, assuming you have the will to heal or just being stubborn about it... having already been through some excruciating days (usually at work for me), sitting with pain at a retreat is still hard, yes... but much easier in a way.

To put it another way if I had to re-experience those days but feeling the anxiety only as a physical pain without the associated mental burden, I would have it that way. Which is sort of what happens in the body scanning technique. I did notice fear a few times when body scanning, but very seldom. I noticed the heart beat sometimes getting faster, sweating, heat, this tension in the breath (usually when I stopped meditation for a while, not at every sitting)... hopefully I'm doing this correctly.

On my second retreat I started noticing the mind states instead of just the pain, and saw how my mind became "darker" as I focused into the pain areas. So still not quite like feeling fear, but instead feeling a heaviness on my mind. At times there is so many gross sensations going on, for example you feel like a ten ton truck has just landed on your head and as these areas of pain become wider instead of the pin pointed sharp pains, it becomes mushy for the mind to hold onto, and then the mind state changed without me noticing I was loosing equanimity. Then I guess I could have been poking and prodding at pain like that for some time without much benefit as I would not realize my mind was no longer in equanimity.

Lately I experimented with the fast noting suggested by Nick, instead of a sequential scanning. Jumping back and forth between gross and more subtle sensations, I think it helps to keep the mind sharper and also lets me go back over those sticky (presumably trauma) areas as many times I want without getting so taken by them that the mind state changes without me noticing, and at the same time, also noting the mind states and applying equanimity to them.

I also started trying to feel sort of a space around a center where equanimity rests, and trying to see everything else arise in relation to that center, reminding myself it's all "phenomena". It was inspired by reading Nick's mentions of mid/high equanimity states. I would otherwise often try to remind myself what equanimity was during body scanning. Often times telling myself "all sensations with the same characteristics" "anicca" etc, but never really feeling a stability as my attention would move around the body, I didn't get a feel for a stable equanimity.