Rob's Practice Notes

I've been feeling a bit aimless in practice lately. I feel like have more options than I did before. On the other hand, some things that came easily right after what-I-assume-was 2nd path do not come so easily now, particularly the Witness, and the sense of understanding the higher jhanas.

So I had a session with Kenneth on Saturday. My mission for now is to master the "jhanic arc", with the sixth-jhana / Witness as the basis. The instructions are working well- the last couple of days, I have seen quite clearly how the arc presents itself, although the experience leaves me kinda blissed out and soporific after the first 20 minutes or so of a session. However, that soporific feeling is something more than sleepiness. If I don't lose the thread, I kinda fade without dozing off. However, I am pretty prone to losing the thread.

There is a crazy amount of emotional energy drifting around me these days. I've had a couple of painful blows in my daily life lately that have left me reeling a bit anyways, but I feel like there's a very intense and textured emotional life going on, and not just because of that. Furthermore, I am living it much more in my body than in my mind. Lots of heat, tingles, patches of tightness or tingliness around my nose, flickers in the eye field. This is quite a new thing.

Just did 2 sessions in quick sequence: 20 mins, a break to do something else, then 40 mins. Each time, I followed the arc, jhanas 1 to 8 and back to 1, once. I tried to spend a a few minutes with each jhana in the second session.

I still feel unsure about 7 and 8... narrative thought is still present, even if quite attenuated. And the descriptions of 8 are so mysterious that I can't quite believe I've "been" there even though I might have aimed toward it.

In the second sitting, I still had about 15 minutes after going up and down. In this part of the sitting, I actually did "forget" to think in a narrative way a few times. All was clear, calm and crystalline, and a sort of headache that seems to move up and around my forehead over the course of the "arc riding" session faded away entirely.

I think it's good to mix the deliberate exploration with some more free-form practice. I seem to go places that I won't go if I am making any kind of deliberate effort.

I'm settling into a plan for my sittings:

1. Sit. Try "unpacking" jhanas one after another, spending a couple of minutes in each one to feel its quality. (I'm still not so sure about 7 and 8 at this point).

2. Stop with deliberate effort, and surrender for a while. Here, I get more clarity about the unanswered questions from step (1). I might be seeing jhana 7 and 8, but I am too busy surrendering to bother to get to know the qualities. But there are new qualities, that's fer darn sure. During this time, I just wander aimlessly over the terrain.

3. After a while, try step (1) again. Jhanas more solid, qualities more pronounced.

In planning my sits, I think less about how long I spend sitting, and more about how many times I alternate (1) and (2). The moment that it's appropriate to shift from one to the other seems to suggest itself pretty organically.

What's nice about this system is, I can be somewhat less neurotic about the amount of sitting-time I put in. There's solid work to be done, whether I have 5 minutes available, or 2 hours.

I did a sit last night, following the above pattern. At the end of the sit, I was almost exploding with joy, gratitude, contentment, relief. I am really enjoying practicing in this way, at the moment

For the last couple of weeks, I have been undergoing probably the most "classic" progression of nyanas I have experienced apart from my first pre-SE cycle, and I now feel like I am experiencing a fairly distinct "Equanimity" baseline. At this moment, I'm able to note with a particular depth and clarity (I feel), and I have suddenly noticed a long-standing habit of neglecting to note my *reactions* to meditation-related phenomena as themselves being phenomena. I have always experienced a tension that arises alongside even pleasant states, and only now do I realize that I should be noting that tension, too: intensity, perceived location, duration, in the body. Practice is a mix of noting and surrender. These days, I am totally in love with sound and the incredible absorbing depth of ambient urban noise, and can get quickly absorbed by turning my attention to sound. This kind of "surrender" feels lovely, alluring, and easy. It feels like it is time to bring back a little more focused First Gear practice.

For the last couple of days, I've been reading some Mahamudra literature, and shaping my practice around a new view, which is this:

I've reached the point where it is time to stop discriminating between "right" and "wrong", "enlightened" and "unenlightened" thinking. In formal practice and in life, I must live in all the activity of mind, whether it's some wondrous clarity of dawning Rigpa OR if it's a dumb Elton John song. (These *always* run through my head during my morning shower. God knows why. I guess that's why they call it the blues.).

This emerged from the observation in my last post, that I was not noting the tensions that arose while I was noting. I treated them as "by-products" not worthy of attention, rather than seeing that they were themselves, in fact, a new movement, a new direction, a new manifestation of mind. They were my new reality, but I was treating them as bumps or distractions on my unimpeded path of clarity.

My new attitude is: BRING IT! I know now, even if I very very very often forget, that these, too, are clarity.

Sounds like letting go of concepts which are based on illusions. Nothing but good can come from that I'd think.
I'm finding that the tension that "I" create in my mind and body is the greatest obstacle to peace I have encountered thus far. I create a lot of tension by discriminating, and that I do because I take life personally, when it clearly isn't so. Tension, in my experience is largely ego identification with sensations/phenomena.

I am swaying between two extremes in my practice approach these days.

Mostly I have been practicing Ships in the Harbour-style mahamudra. Yesterday, feeling I have the capacity and confidence now to do real jhana-hardening samatha, I tried out some basic anapana. I didn't try to "ride" or even pay attention to the jhanas, but simply to use the concentration I have to stay at the "anapana" spot without evaluating anything.

In the first half-hour, I had 4 startled "jumps", each followed by a bright "FOOM" of light. The last of the 4 was accompanied by a quick flash of utter terror. The second half hour was "no drama", with maybe a bit of distracted thinking about my experiences in the first half.

I feel like I've never been disciplined enough to confidently label these experiences. I'm wondering if these 4 "jumps" were fruitions, and I am starting to see the "doors"?

For now, I feel that alternating between a loose practice and a tightly-disciplined practice is a good idea. I could hang out listening for the Ships forever... on the other hand, there is plenty to learn from deeper investigation. I feel like I am in a long Equanimty phase, and the mahamudra is like a lazy, hazy holiday, and I love the feeling that I don't really care about any idea of progress. And yet... I could also use this coasting-time to deepen some basic skills.

RevElev, your posts and your reminders to let go, let go, let go are an inspiration, too.

Lately feeling like a compulsive overeater over-gorged and sick of himself- in this case, sick of dharma jargon, sick of the morbid solipsism of my self-evaluations, sick of the strident know-it-all tone of my posts on this forum, all of it.

This is not depression or de-motivation- on the contrary. I am trying to strip practice down to first principles. I'm suspending all evaluation of my practice, or at least, just treating it as chatter. The name of the game is attention, cognitive overload, no attainments or goals.

My practice this week: During formal sits: samatha using mindfulness of breathing. Informal practice like long walks: I alternate between Ships In The Harbour, filling my cognitive space with attention to peripheral vision, and noting. In daily life: being nice to people.

I have nothing to say about phenomena, for now. Any thoughts about stages of insight or jhanas go in the crapper and are noted as "monologuing". Lights are lights. Sounds are sounds. Tingles and itches are tingles and itches. Whatever.

Normal service will resume shortly

I've been getting a lot of inspiration lately from this article that Kenneth linked to:

www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/medit...and-mental-bandwidth

Here's the takeaway: our senses take in many megabytes of information every second, and our memories store many gigabytes of information; but- between those two- our consciousness only handles a few bytes a second. It is a bottleneck.

There is an upside to this, for the meditator: if you are working on your samatha skills, and trying to un-condition your mind from its obsession with narrative, it's not that hard to gum up your consciousness and block out the narrative (see the exercises mentioned in the article). That's basically samatha- temporarily stilling the hindrances and defilements.

However, you can also use it for insight, by asking yourself "right now, what's going through that hole?"

For chronic overthinkers like myself, who tend to feel that their mind is just bubbling with nonsense all the time, it highlights just how few objects my active consciousness actually contains.

I've been focusing on anapanasati practice lately. In recent months, I have neglected this foundational practice, because I always wind up frustrated by my inability to quiet distracting thoughts. At some level, I am still taking those thoughts as "me", hard as I try to remember that it's just raw content coming through the mind sense-door.

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(continued from above)

So I am working with this mental image: anapanasati is absorbing enough to plug about 80% of the hole, but that other 20% will always always leak. To develop anapanasati, I have to find an occupation for that 20%. Remaining mindful of the "leak" itself- taking note of the constant presence of "distractions"- is just about the right size to plug the leak.

So rather than using up that 20% in my usual fashion (mentally screaming "OMG! I'm drifting from the breath! I'm so BAD at this!"- a self-narrative so compelling that it can drag me right off the breath) I'm trying to take up the 20% looking at the leak itself.

By the way, the reason this approach resonated with me is because this "bottleneck" property of consciousness is the theme of one of my favourite books, "The User Illusion: Cutting Consciousness Down to Size", by Tor Norretranders. The book is also a good summary of the last 200 years of cognitive science, mathematics, information theory, and thermodynamics, which all relate to our understanding of consciousness in interesting ways. I recommend it if you like that sort of thing

Continuing to practice in this vein: anapanasati is the central activity, plus noting just enough to clog up the remaining cognitive bandwidth.

With all the talk lately of "mahamudra noting", I find the activity of "listening" is also a good bandwidth-clogger and (at least for the past day or so) conducive to open, positive mind-states. A bit of tension springs up, and I try to go straight for the physical manifestations of that tension without dwelling on my usual reaction ("OMG! I'm tense!!!").

I find that, more than just noting the physical sensations in the tension, I need to be open to knowing that there are other physical sensations than the unpleasant ones. Otherwise I can morbidly dwell on the tense feeling.

Continuing with anapanasati-paired-with-Listening. In my hour sitting, I sensed a movement through stages/jhanas, but I am resisting the urge to speculate or interpret- simply note the sense of a change, then return to the breath. Over the course of the hour, I had two powerful what-I-think-were-fruitions. The second one was particularly vivid- it came on with a sudden stab of fear, as if !!everything!! was going to disappear, and for a few seconds afterward, my field of vision flickered like a bad TV signal.

These days I feel a strong distaste for all dhamma speculation. All my thoughts are dead ends. This is not a bad feeling- it's refreshing. Remembering to "listen", in the mahamudra sense, comes fairly easily. For the moment, I feel an unprecedented sense of relaxation around my practice- there's a job to do, all else is faffle.

[part 1 of 2]

I am beginning to feel that there has been a shift, both in my practice, and in my overall way of being. The picture has been coming together slowly since my post of August 5th- it began with a kind of exhaustion with all that I have accumulated in terms of jargon, obsessions, strategies for practice. I've felt that it is important at this point to be consistent and concentrated, to avoid evaluating things, to not chase phenomena in my sittings, but to keep returning to a breath-focus.

I have found it really helpful to keep that image that I have just a little, tiny cognitive space, that is easy gum up with attention. "Mindfulness", for me, no longer means trying to keep watch over a swirling flood, but just sticking my finger in a leaky tap to block a trickle. My focus is breathing, and the little bits of bandwidth left over that want pull my attention away, I keep busy with "listening" and noting, or attention to peripheral objects.

About every second session, I seem to have serial fruitions. Last night, after about 3 of these happened spontaneously over about 25 minutes, I broke with my no-phenomena-obsession rule, and tried to "call up" fruitions. This seemed to work- I made a resolution to experience a first-path, then a second-path fruition. My mind started to swim the moment I made the resolution, and about a minute later in each case, I had a "pop", each with its own character. One was like slipping on a stair in a dream that startles you awake, except I'm not asleep. The other was like a rising FOOM!! of light behind eyelids, like sweeping stage-lights in a heavy-metal rock video.

[continued in next post]

[continued, part 2 of 2]


Spontaneous fruitions have a new characteristic that has emerged in recent days- a wave of fear that immediately precedes (or follows- can't ever quite remember which) the 'pop'. I had a similar wave hit me yesterday when listening to Owen Becker's podcast, at the moment Nik mentioned something about 'seeing sensations of my permanent self as being just the same as any other ordinary sensations' (paraphrased from memory).

The most important aspect of this overall change, though, is that for the moment, I am happier. Not that I am "always happy", but that I am fairly content surfing along on my moods whether they are "good" or "bad". Sometimes, in noting and watching the tensions and moods that arise, if I note them as bodily phenomena, they transmute into joy. This is one of those paradoxical things: once I drop the desire to manipulate my moods (seems to be the core of my tensions), the ability to ride them in a way that results in pleasantness or peace arises anyways.

I do wonder if this is a 'path' experience- it shares with my previous ones a shift in outlook, as well as a sense that the change in attitude began growing for a couple of days prior to any kind of novel 'pop' experience. But there was certainly no dramatic 'eureka' moment, and I doubt I've had any nirodha samapatti moments or jhanas above 8. I'm still not sure about the boundaries of the jhanas above 6, and from the way people describe NS, I figure I would know for sure if I had one! In any case, I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. A wish to be kind is my overarching feeling.

Really glad to hear that things are going well for you! I'm experiencing some similar things(I think) I've completely give up on trying to follow which path or jhana I'm at, but suffering decreases month to month and the present is filling with peace and happiness.
Are you finding it Much easier to keep up the practice with the positive feedback? Early on it was all work little reward now it seems almost even to me. Thanks for keeping this journal.
"A wish to be kind is my overarching feeling" Beautiful!!
Be Well.

Yes, I've checked in on your journal, and it's so great to see that peace and joy are growing for you.

That's a good question. The sense of "positive feedback" hasn't been constant. Sometimes, when I am not feeling it, I gotta really think back and say "how would all this have felt before?" to remind myself that everything is about 75% easier to manage than it was, even just 1 year ago. But the sense of "aha, this is working, *right now*" comes back.

Actually, it's funny to think that about now- late August last year- was when I came across Daniel Ingram's book, and got onto this ride. I started working with Kenneth and the pragmatic dharma crowd about exactly when I turned 42, and I can't help thinking of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"- I got the answers at 42, but realized that I still don't know the questions

Last night's sitting seemed like a non-stop chain of what-I-think-are-fruitions, several of which were intense and accompanied by a surge of fear. Throughout the sitting, light seemed to throb and flicker behind the eyelids.Though this was more intense than usual, there is still the pattern of this activity happening in every *second* sitting, though- the alternating ones are far more placid!

I am continuing to use the breath as a reference point, not to follow the phenomena... though I break that resolution occasionally, since these phenomena are, well, pretty cool.

A weird sit last night. Actually, "sit" is not the right word. Lately I have mostly been practicing lying down. Mainly this is because I have a chronic knee problem, and I have to finally accept that anything like a cross-legged position aggavates it. The problem may or may not have originated with sitting in meditation- there are many factors for this kind of problem- but I think I'm goona have to loosen up.

However, I also find the lying position is favourable to a loose, open investigation (maybe due to lack of worrying if I am screwing up my knee more!)

Last night, for the full hour, I was blank and sleepy. But the thing was, the sleepiness is usually related to distraction, whereas in this case, I just seemed to be truly blank. Once I realized that this did not have to be a problem, I settled into it, trying to note the feelings associated with blankness and sleepiness.

In that time, there was one super-odd moment when I felt vibratory sensations in my left hand- nothing odd, just the "presence" of my hand. I suddenly felt a stab of primal anxiety because the hand-feeling was just a hand-feeling- there was no hand, no person to whom the hand was attached, just a puddle of feeling with no relationship to, or support from, anything else. I have never felt that before, and it was diffricult to sit with that rather than try to swoop in and reassure myself that it was "MY" hand.

[part 1 of 2]

I've been following the recent threads about finding a balance between cold technique and psychologization. So in the spirit of "practicing for life", I'm going to try bringing some "off-the-cushion" life into my practice journal.

This discussion has actually all been kind of co-incidental, because "life" has come roaring back into my practice on its own. I feel like I have woken up lately and realized that this whole world is whirling on around me. Up to now, my practice has involved stepping outside of the flow of events, in order to stabilize my head. Probably I had to do that for a bit.

Now I feel a need to re-engage, but from a perspective that is totally novel to me.

I realize that I am, despite myself, completely intertwined in the life of the people around me. I am easing into a much less self-effacing role, realizing that I have a capacity to be generous and kind and "make a difference", not because I have some new "power", but because I realize that I actually ALWAYS "made a difference" whether I recognized it or not. I must have been like a flailing propeller-blade before, not seeing the way that every action helps and/or wounds those around me... the saying "not to choose is to choose" is so very true...

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[part 2 of 2]

I have always been a very political person. I have deliberately gone on a sort of diet over the last two years, because I felt that all my involvements, no matter how well-intentioned, were rooted in an aching, grasping, painful "selfing" cycle. I was afraid that I would never find the 'middle way' between being an engaged citizen, and being a self-righteous p***k wound up tight as a spring.

Now, I am getting glimpses of what I thought couldn't be done- to be able to care, to engage, to swallow the sheer awfulness of all the violence, sexism, poverty, and unfairness that I know has to change, but without flinching, or being eaten by despair. It is possible, after all, to stare it all in the face, without needing to selectively reject the suffering of others just to stay sane. It can be done. I know that the "way" that I will be involved will be different from what I did before, and I still have no plan- but I suspect that now, I don't need one.

This is all a bit unformed, but that's what has been on "my" "mind".

This last couple of days, I've had an understanding that absolutely everything can be released, grounded, un-tensed, un-grasped, un-contracted, one after another, including the very effort to do so. But I have to keep up the pressure oh so gently. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

I seem to have some ease these days at maintaining a wide, Ships-in-the-Harbour-type listening attitude nearly full-time. Along with this, when I see a bursting forth of some kind of emotional energy, I can often detect and release it- at which point it seems to snake out to my fingers, or up into my head, where I often have weird headaches at the crown. I have had this happen before, but I have never had it go on for so long.

In formal sittings, things get to a very vibratory level, and everything releases very easily. It is very stable, though- not like a couple of weeks ago, when I was experiencing serial fruitions every couple of sittings.

Between that time 2 or 3 weeks ago, and this last few days, there was a gap of time where I really felt like I had lost the thread in meditation, and sitting was just confusion and distraction. Funny how these things cycle in and out of phase.

My practice these days: each sitting is 30 mins of straight breath-at-the-anapana-spot samatha, followed by 30 mins of something more freeform, combining a second-gear "Who Am I" inquiry and Ships in the Harbour.

Mumuwu's precious and concise post "Fun 3 Gears / Direct Mode Practice" kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/47...Direct+Mode+Practice came at just the right time- I've been reflecting lately on how sitting often brings on harsh tension for me. I see the focus on samatha as a way to de-condition myself from latching on to negative feelings as if they are more "authentic" - seems to be a persistent habit with me.

Muwuwu's suggestions are helping me re-integrate the 3 Gears practice with that goal.

I've been feeling like my cupboard is bare lately (hence the thread I started on "What if THIS is all there is?". At the moment, I'm feeling encouraged rather than dismayed by that. If I am running out of ways trick myself, so much the better.

Another long gap in posting. What can I say- things phase in and out, the beat goes on.

This post by Nikolai at The Hamilton Project has been driving my practice for the past few days:

"Just realize that awareness is happening by itself without any effort right now. Watch how it takes no effort to be able 'to see' with the eyes. No effort to be aware of 'seeing'."

thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/10/...ent-riding-wave.html

When I read that, a whole lot suddenly became clear- the ideas of "choiceless awareness", "bare attention", "direct mode" - all it is is this- am I making an *effort* to see through my eyes? Did I *choose* to see what I see, hear what I hear, etc.?

I am now applying that to everything- "did I make an effort to be experiencing what I am experiencing right now?".

At the moment, in place of noting, I recall over and over: "What effort made this happen?" It debunks, demystifies, brings equanimity to all things.

Thanks, Nikolai.