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Another frustrating 50 min sit. Sat with frustration, self-doubt, fear of wasting my time, inferiority thoughts, etc. Remembering Jackson's quote:
"When you plant seeds in the garden, you don't dig them up every day to see if they have sprouted yet. You simply water them and clear away the weeds; you know that the seeds will grow in time. Similarly, just do your daily practice and cultivate a kind heart. Abandon impatience and instead be content creating the causes for goodness; the results will come when they're ready.'
'”Thubten Chodron

Todays meditation is brought to you by: Anger, frustration, rage, resentment, impatience, and the number 4.
Took forever(30 mins) for my mind to stop chasing it's tail and settle down. Counted exhalations to get it to cooperate. When it did I experienced the eyes crossing and rolling back in my head, that's how it felt. Very still, internally, with rocking forward and back, very hot, sweaty. Towards the end felt pain in my back shoulders and arms. Also felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and kind of reverberating through my body. I placed my hand over my heart and it wasn't actually beating any stronger then normal, just felt that way. I seem to be getting caught up in little irritants very easily lately, I don't even want to spend time with me. 2-3 weeks ago everything was rainbows and lollipops, now it feels like skulls and arsenic.

Much more settled today, had a very focused 20 min walking med. and also a 35 min seated, until the phone rang, then much frustration. Walking Noted, followed the breath and sensations of the feet. Experienced very vibrant sensations from my feet. Realized, while seated, how much I fight my experience. Even though I don't know where I am, or am going, I hold onto what fits my preconceptions of meditation. And, fight whatever doesn't fit. This creates a lot of tension and resistance and must hinder my progress. I also do this in my daily life, I try to prop up my self conception and reject what doesn't fit with it. I spend a LOT of time and energy creating an "I" that isn't me anyway. I've "known" all this intellectually, but today it feels like I've realized it at a more significant level, it also helps me understand the importance of focusing on the level of sensations.
My sit was pretty standard, I felt like I went "deeper" then I have been lately. I feel very open since getting up. I'm very pissed off about that phone call though, try to let that go. I experienced what I'd describe as "light fluttering" during my sit. It was similar to how I feel when I don't eat for a longer time, kind of weak and butterfly's in my stomach, not exactly, but similar. It was throughout my body and seemed to coincide with my heartbeat which felt very pronounced. I've felt this 2 or 3 times previously, but forgotten to mention it.

"I'm very pissed off about that phone call though, try to let that go."-RevElev

You will only let it go when you see how much it hurts. Note the angry thought, note the corresponding mind state (anger, agitation, resentment), and note the corresponding body sensations. How will you know which body sensations correspond? Imagine plotting three curves on three transparencies. One curve represents the thoughts, one represents the anger, one represents the corresponding body sensation, perhaps an unpleasant tightness in the neck, chest, or head. Each curve goes up, rises to its peak, then subsides. Now overlay the three transparencies. They are identical! When your body and mind are transparent to you in realtime, you see that this thought IS this anger and IS this unpleasant sensation. When you can see/feel this, you will drop the thought like a hot rock. You don't even have to try to drop it, you will do it instinctively. The key is this high level skill at attention; as soon as you see how much pain the thought is causing you, you will let it go. Before that, letting go of unwholesome thoughts is not so easy. By noting continuously, you are seeing how suffering works. To see suffering at work in any moment is to stop suffering.

Kenneth,
It's a weird relationship with these emotions, very much like an addiction. When I quit smoking I new that it was bad for me, but I was drawn back to the nicotine. With the emotions I'm seeing the hurt, but part of me is drawn to it. It allows me to play the victim/martyr and part of me just Loves, and craves, the power it gets from that. It seems like it may be the Tolle pain body/ego idea that feeds off the misery. Perhaps with continued investigation and thus clarity the grip will be loosened and eventually ended.

50 minutes this evening. Tried to not try, went pretty well.
Instead of directing myself to where I think I should be going I just watched, and ended up in the same place. Maybe this is where I'm meant to be, or I directed myself much more subtly. Eyes crossed, pointing up, fluttering, strong heart beat, swaying forwards and back, very hot, not much in the visual field. Something interesting happened while I was swaying. I noticed a light energy in my body that was moving slightly out of sync to the physical movement, like it was moving the body, or the body was chasing it. I also noticed that the sense of "I" was not moving but was very still, this created a slight break between the "I" and the physical body and the energy I felt. It felt like the body was more object than subject, it was subtle but definitely there, and not something I've experienced before. The last few minutes of my sit I had some pretty intense joint pain, shoulders, hips, but it seemed somewhat dulled because I was a little removed from it. Pretty much back to normal now, body as subject, but it was a cool experience.

Early morning, very tired. Spent my work day aware of my breath, hadn't tried this before, but did it the same as when I began meditating. Follow the breath and whenever I got distracted , I just came back to the breath, over and over and over again.
I realized something walking home, while at work I was able to sometimes "change my perspective", the same way I do when seated, and this related to my eyes, again. It feels like I'm more aware of my body, more sensitive, still, and following the breath is pleasant. I was able to access this perspective if I tried and I generally had to look down to do it. I realized while walking that I was actually creating slight tension in my eyes, the same as when seated and my eyes cross, but more subtle. I was able to walk around like this, but had to concentrate on maintaining this tension in my eyes, which was difficult while walking a busy street. I don't know what this might be but I've been doing it for a while without noticing the eye tension. Hopefully I'm not just becoming delusional.

Had a Very pleasant 50 minute seated meditation this am. Started with the breath but dropped it as a focus after about 15-20 minutes. Focused on sensations, pleasant tingling over the body, tension in the eyes, changing visual field pressure in the forehead.
The eyes began 'looking' straight ahead and this coincided with dropping the breath as object. They then pointed upwards, rolled slightly back, this coincided with more awareness of the visual field. I experienced awareness of something quasi-visual, it seemed to be more in my minds eye than the actual visual field. It was large, solid, black and very concrete. My awareness of it was unstable.
The tension in my eyes also seemed to creep up into a pressure in my forehead, which is still present 20 minutes later. I focused on this pressure briefly and felt a couple of surges in it. Probably just eye strain, lol. Also experienced very pleasant tension in my back, accompanied by warmth and tingling. The tension was similar to a stretching feeling, almost like a release of tension.
Spending my daily life aware of my breath which seems to be keeping me in my body, this has been a very pleasant way to live. Noticing sensations and experiencing pleasure in very insignificant things. Much more aware of physical and mental/emotional sensations, noticing things like frustration in my mind and seeing the corresponding physical/energetic tension has allowed me to actively open up around these sensations, which seems to release the energy that fuels them and weakens them. I'm able to stay with this pretty consistently in the morning, but as the day goes on and I become more tired it's more difficult to maintain. I don't know if this is benefical, with regards to my practice, or just cheap thrills. Feel like I'm inching onto the map.

50 mins this am. Resolved to attain 2nd Jhana during my meditation. Focused on the breath for about 5 mins. dropped the breath and began to focus on the physical sensations. Noticed pleasant and vibrant/energetic warmth across my shoulders and chest, stayed with this, maybe 10 minutes. Noticed my eyes moving/pointing up, the pleasant feelings mellowed considerably, I felt more content/satisfied. After about 15 minutes I remembered reading about the imagined thumb finger on the nose. Tried it out, to my surprise I couldn't do it. I eventually did but it felt like my focus/awareness had to collapse, or was pulled in, in order to imagine this. I also noticed that something with my eyes changed, it wasn't tension, more like where I was focusing(eyes closed the entire time). I decided to see if I could open up my awareness again, and did fairly quickly. It feels like a wide angle lens view instead of a zoom lens. I was having thoughts this entire time but they were like background noise, there, but not bothersome. Interesting experiment, not sure if it was a Jhana or not, but I'm going to keep on and see what else comes up. Feeling a little addicted, in a good way. lol.

2nd 50 min sit. Resolved to go as far as I was presently able. Same as this am, but found my self much more quiet. Also felt very...beige, neither pleasant nor unpleasant. More like I was just there and not contributing to the moment in any way at all. Felt my focus not as wide, but more delicate. I had to be more careful about maintaining my balance, when I did nothing arose. No thoughts, no images, nothing. Lost track of the breath and the body completely several times. Felt pressure at the top of my skull almost the entire time, I'm now feeling pressure just above and behind my ears, right at the surface, like tension in my scalp. This felt 'deeper' than I've previously been. I think this is progress.

Nice job, Rev. You are "inching onto the map" all right. The last few sittings you seem to be cutting through the fog and really noticing what's going on. Here's a bit from the "forewarned is forearmed" file: it won't always be pleasant or even "deep." Progress is measured not by how deep you go but by how continuously or how often you notice (and/or note) what is happening. When you have a difficult sit, it won't be because you are regressing. Quite the contrary; there is difficult terrain ahead and as you move forward you will discover it. It might not be today or tomorrow, but it is ahead. So enjoy the pleasant and deep states while they last, but don't get attached to them.

Keep up the excellent work!

Kenneth

Kenneth,
Thanks, for the encouragement. I'm reading into what you said that I'm approaching A&P, good.
I was remembering today how my meditation has changed. I started 4 months ago as part of a general healthier lifestyle kick. Eat better, exercise more, get regular sleep, and what the hell I'll meditate, used to like that stuff, and maybe it'll help with SAD. Now I'm sitting between 45 minutes and 2 1/2 hrs a day and wish I could do more. I stumbled onto this sight though a link somewhere. Funny how life works.

50 min this am. Felt like I was pushing too much, trying to force something to happen. Not very settled, pretty distracted. Experienced pressure at the top of my head and in my face, mid top lip to mid forehead. That ones new for me. Also been experiencing tension/pinching above and behind my right ear for 2 days, after my sit last evening it was behind both ears, this morning it is just behind my left ear. Slightly unpleasant, but not bad. I'm also noticing that my skin seems to be sensitive/tingling, similar to while I'm meditating, but I've been up about 30 minutes. Feeling a little spaced out and unfocused right now.

Hi Rev,

Notice anything going on with sounds? Any unusual ringing or rumbling in the ears? And how is your overall emotional state? Happy, excited, enthusiastic, or just kind of okay, or distressed and bummed out? These kinds of things can give us clues as to where you are. We're interested in phenomenology, but that doesn't exclude your emotional state, so it's a good idea to include your general affect in each report. Keep on keepin' on.

Kenneth
Thanks and will do. I haven't noticed any sounds, a few times I've noticed that it seems extra quite, like everything just goes still for a couple seconds. That has been happening for 2-3 days, maybe 5 times per day. Emotionally I've been pretty even, not high or low, no real emotion to speak of ,just feeling very peaceful. Today I tried to maintain awareness, and it was easy to do for fairly long stretches at a time 5 minutes without interruption. A couple times today I could almost watch myself talking to people at work.

My comp had a near death experience there, to finish yesterdays thoughts: I've been very enthusiastic, but I've felt lazy about practice today. Still have some pressure behind and above my left ear, slightly unpleasant. After work I was in a very good mood, laughing and joking more then in a couple weeks.
Sat for 30 min. after work. Very difficult staying awake, even with eyes open. I'm so much more alert and focused in the mornings.

Very frustrated today. I've tried to sit twice, and been interrupted each time. I'm somewhat able to watch myself be frustrated, but it's still easy to get tangled up in it. A lot of tension and unpleasant warmth are part of the frustration, as well as tightness/contraction, working on opening.
While sitting I found that for about 5 minutes I had the usual fine tingling on the skin, but today it felt like my awareness was spread out on the surface of my skin with the tingling. As I sat longer I seemed to settle into the visual field more, at the front of my head. I also became aware of the tension behind my ear. It seemed to move around my head, staying at the surface, but going from the back left to front right, back right, front left, then front and back left at the same time. Right now its mostly back left and about 2 inches above my left eye, but my entire scalp feels sore/tender. It doesn't hurt to touch, even though it feels like it should be, like it's bruised. Also feeling tension in the neck, it comes and goes. Overall not feeling very good physically or emotionally.
Still no sounds, just the background noise at home and the occasional weird silence. Think I'll try some walking meditation so no one knows where I am.

Walking meditation was pretty good 20 minutes, maintained awareness about 60% of the time. Noted when I lost my focus, mostly physical sensations related to walking. Sat in a park and continued noting, began with physical sensations, pleasant and related to a beautiful spot. Turned to emotions and got: disappointment, aversion, frustration, confusion, doubt, self doubt, frustration, and on and on. Had a short nap when I got home and realized my ears are ringing, a high pitched squeal, louder in the left ear then the right, now that I'm aware of it it's a little annoying. The pain in my head is still present and moving around, front, back, left, right, it's been everywhere today. The intensity is also changing, sometimes it's barely there, and other times it's very strong and unpleasant.
Seated for 45 minutes, a struggle. Started off well, but felt like I made no progress at all. My mind was in the past or future most of the time. I tried to not push and instead just be present with whatever arose, and that was a lot of thoughts. Very mundane overall, remembering my day, planning tomorrow, noticing knee pain. I experienced the strong pulsing from my heart area. It doesn't seem to coincide with my heart beats, but does originate at my heart. I also noticed it deepens and increases the rate of my breathing, it lasted about 5 minutes, and peaked about half way through. Also had strong, but short lived pain at the base of my skull/top of my neck, 2-3 minutes but intense.

Good day, bad day, good day, bad day, ho-hum. It makes no difference either way.

Very interesting 40 min this am.
Felt much better than yesterday, excited about my practice. My awareness/mindfulness was present as soon as I woke up, I felt clear and settled. The dark clouds from yesterday seemed to have passed, just like I thought they would.
I sat and settled quickly, but mu mind was excited that I felt good and my ego seemed please that it was right. I was filled with these good thoughts about how wonderful my practice and I are! Then I began to notice subtle twitching/spasm of my muscles. It was subtle, I'm not sure if an outside observer would have noticed it, but I did. Muscles all through my body would tighten with each thought. I watched this and it seemed like I would have the thought, then an emotion, then a physical reaction. I think that's the order, the emotion physical sensations seemed very close together. I followed my breath 3X10 and my mind settled, and so did the twitching. This continued through my entire sitting.
The pain in my head seems to be gone this am. I'm starting to think the ringing in my ears has always been their and I've just never noticed. It hasn't changed at all that I've seen. I've got a lot of tension in my neck since sitting, unpleasant.
Experiencing self-doubt, and ridicule about my practice right now, a lot of criticism.
Looking forward to sitting again.

Question: In my daily life I'm trying to maintain constant awareness/mindfulness. This seems to naturally be of my entire body. Is this OK or should it be more focused, on my chest perhaps? Thanks!

"Question: In my daily life I'm trying to maintain constant awareness/mindfulness. This seems to naturally be of my entire body. Is this OK or should it be more focused, on my chest perhaps?-RevElev"

Hi Rev,

Keeping your attention on your body throughout the day is exactly what you should be doing, but there is no one way to do it. Dogen suggested keeping your attention in one of your hands. Some Zen teachers say to keep it in the hara, just below the navel. Some people like the whole body at once, and some people like the chest, some the anapana spot around the nose and mouth, etc. It's all good, so do whatever works for you, understanding that it may change over time.

Thanks very much, Kenneth.

Feeling very confused, overwhelmed and frustrated. I couldn't maintain much clarity yesterday at work, I've been able to keep up my awareness in my body very well lately. Yesterday I was hopeless. I also woke up very sad, which is unusual, it stuck with me all day. Situations I've been living with for months seem overwhelming, as do new things. I almost had a nervous breakdown over a leaky pipe. Emotional and overwhelmed, with little ability to focus, that was yesterday. This is leading me to question my practice, I thought this was supposed to help?
My 45 min. sit this am was frustrating. Had a lot of difficulty focusing, planning and imagining thoughts popping up almost constantly. Tried counting the breath, I used to do 5X10 easily, today I couldn't get past 8 (8!!!!) without being completely pulled away from the breath. I experienced no discomfort and did focus for a few minutes a couple of times. I also had pressure around my eyes(new), specifically the temple/edge of eye socket area. This started after about 20 minutes and is still present(45 min later). Also had the pressure in the center of my forehead. The pain I had been experiencing moving around my head is gone. I'm starting to feel like I'm just creating another source of tension with my practice, I've got less time lately, maybe I need to adjust my schedule.

45 mins this am. I don't feel the excitement to sit I used to, it's more like an itch I need to scratch, or a craving. Definitely something I want to do though.
Started off difficult today, distracted with imagining thoughts and planning, body twitching and spasming with the thoughts. These kept up until, after about 15 mins, I spontaneously began noting. Anger, frustration, disappointment, rage, tension, frustration, anger, unpleasant. Life stuff. After about 10 minutes the noting dropped away and I became aware of a slight pressure at the bridge of my nose and my chest. I was drawn to my nose so I focused on it. Almost immediately I experienced a surge of subtle energy and flashing in the visual filed, this lasted about 3 minutes. I stayed with the pressure, which remained constant throughout the sit. Fairly abruptly I felt a great deal of spaciousness, vast, silent , and black. Very peaceful and still, I've "been there" before several times, but not in a while. I stayed with this feeling of spaciousness until my timer went off.
I'm finding myself to have a bit of a hair trigger these days, not as stable as in the recent past. Afraid to do much, my judgment seems a little wonky right now.

Had difficulty staying aware today, kept drifting away from the body, I'd bring it back and it would drift away again. So it goes. I did have my first experience in which noting was more then just more talking to myself. I actually felt it bring my awareness back into my body, the way I do with the breath.
30 minute sit this afternoon. Frustration, doubt, anger, doubt, frustration, impatience, doubt, regret, self doubt, frustration, doubt, doubt, doubt. Everything feels like it's getting worse.