Richard's practice journal

60 minutes mindfulness meditation:
- Started off with noting "in" and "out" for the breath and "pressure" for my seat. As I noted the in and out breath I've gotten to the point where my heart beat seems so upfront so I note "beat" "beat" inbetween "in, in, in," "pressure" and "out, out, out" "pressure."
- Mind eventually wandered to negative people in my past and future arguments with them. Massive, violent anger appeared. I noted heavily "ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, ANGER..." until the anger subsided.
- Noted "tingling" and "rapture" when anger subsided. I distinctly didn't like the way the anger made me feel and was dissatisfied with the fact that people can live "rent free" in my head.
- Noted pressure in head and relaxed face from tension
- Noted more "rehearsing" for conversations with jerk people. Then noted more quietly "anger, anger, anger, anger" until the second wave of rage disappeared.
- Noted "tingling" and "rapture" when anger subsided.
- I noted many other things that were more subtle like blood movement in the leg with "vibration".
- Noted "planning". I could really tell I was angry that I even try to plan that much into the future because of the unforeseeable events that often alter plans.
- Noted "anxiety" over future thoughts. Lots of wishing I could control the future.
At the end of this meditation I could tell that all these emotions are impermanent, aren't really me, and pure dukkha. I felt that all these negative emotions interfere with concentration and can daunt me to the point of being unskillful. Of course all I did was sit and meditate and I didn't yell at anyone. I can tell I need to watch my actions so I don't make choices based on those emotions.
Phew!

MIndfulness day. Doing good with day to day noting. I find that when desires and aversions appear the noting (and sometimes aggressive noting) gets me back on track. My driving is improving and anxiety reduced. The less I spin in my mind with anxious questions and get back to noting the better off I'm at. I'm experiencing some very cold weather right now and just noting the "unpleasant" sensations makes it really no big deal. There is a carryover from last night's mindfulness meditation and sensations are definitely not feeling like they are happening to "me" in a conceptual level, but it seems more like a taste than completely solidified. Tomorrow I'll be at a seminar and will try to note where appropriate and use concentration to find the right balance I can strike especially with listening.

40 min meditation:
- Noted the in and out breath. I felt easier to note "ta" for my heartbeat. Thoughts of doubt appeared at the beginning of the meditation and I noted that until it left just like I do in daily life.
- Noted neutral feelings.
- Noted pleasant when my head felt lighter with concentration
- Noted "tingling" on my skin and "itch" for face itches. I didn't scratch and it was easy enough to bare.

Much less taxing than last night.

60 min meditation
Got my act together to note more systematically like Shinzen Young:

Noted in and out breath and heartbeat throughout meditation along with:
-Image for occasional images that appeared but also noted blank when not there.
-Noted "talk" and "quiet" for internal talking
-When looking for feeling tone there was none so I noted "peace"
-When internal talk felt a little rehearsed I noted "rehearsing talk"
-When internal talk was doubting I noted "doubting talk"
-As I got more concentrated I felt I "locked in" to access concentration and then an very enjoyable jhana.
-Noted pleasant when that happened. The focus was straight ahead and narrow. Noted pressure for third eye pressure
-Noted "anxious talk" when worried about losing jhana
-Noted "analyzing talk" when I was losing a little control when analyzing too much the experience. Going back to basic noting to avoid getting caught up in jhana helped a lot
-Noted "sound" for external sounds and couldn't note slience since my computer is quite loud
-Noted "analyzing talk" when my concentration got more extensive. The third eye pressure spread to most of my forehead and sinuses, and tingling on left half of skull. Noted "tingling", "pressure". The visual focus was less in the centre and more outward I had trouble doing the "nose-pinch" a la Ken. Noted "analyzing talk" when internally talking about 2nd jhana. Noted that pleasure was nice but more refined than the 1st jhana. I've only had this one time before but before was more like a massive firing of tingling thoughout my skull.
-Noted "anxious talk" at the end of "analyzing thought" due to slight feeling tone of striving and wishing.

-Noted "pain" for my back of the neck. Noted "posture" when I straightened it.
-Noted "remembering" when image of my old dentist appeared.
-I got tired of noting and rested with nothing but the sweet concentration but quickly noted "tired" and "pleasant" (for the resting period of a couple of seconds) and started back to basic breath and heartbeat noting before I totally lost track.
-Noted "sound" at the end of the meditation with the bell
-The concentration third eye pressure is still going pretty strong now.

60 min concentration meditation:

-Lots of busyness in my mind and lots of images flying around
-Music in my head
-Without noting it requires lots of effort
-Continued staying with the breath and struggled for 20 min to get to access concentration
-As soon as third eye pressure appeared I switched to that as the object
-Stayed with it with lots of effort. About halfway through 1st jhana appeared
-Still needed lots of effort to stay with it. I dropped out of 1st jhana and then got back in.

Perseverance is good.

60 min concentration sitting:

-Best one so far.
-Big obvious tip that helped me was just breathing at the beginning of the meditation just for pure relaxation of my body to relieve tension.
-Quietly I stayed with the breath making sure I wasn't following every detail of it like mindfulness
-Quickly went into access concentration. There was some mental talk but I used my breath and relaxation to let go of everything
-Got nice warm tingles in my face and shoulders with my concentration viewpoint looking forward. Lots of rapture and bliss. My mind was more quiet. Big smile on my face.
-As per S. Catherine I dropped my focus on the breath and moved to the bright nimitta in front of me and just followed it.
-Much like D. Ingram's metaphor of a donut the focus towards the centre is more like a peripheral focus where the centre is more fuzzy and the edges are more distinct
-My eyelids and face were twitching and buzzing in a pleasant way.
-Like in typical descriptions of jhanas this one felt better in a more consistent way and any rapture left behind and just a nice cool bliss remains.
-I stayed here for some minutes but dropped back to the first jhana with more rapture but I could easily move back into the second jhana by again leaving the breath object and moving to the nimitta and staying with it and basking in the rapture and bliss.
-I wanted to start mentally noting but it just felt too good. It's probably better to try and solidify it so I can do it easily. I can tell now how people can turn into bliss junkies if they're not careful.
-I certainly learned that the enjoyment of the 1st jhana is really good but the 2nd is much better. As per Ken I'll not stay in #2 for too long and start pushing forward up the mountain. Solidify it for a little while but move into the next strata before I get too old.

60 min concentration sitting:

-Much like last sitting. The trick is to really relax yourself and be patient at the beginning
-When the piti appears I quickly moved my object of the breath to the nimitta straight ahead
-As the concentration strengthened mental noise reduced and I just enjoyed the nice feelings and made sure I kept the attention forward to prevent loss of concentration
-Sticking with looking straight and patient enjoyment of a quiet mind the 2nd jhana appears. The only difference from last time is that a nice cooling feeling in my skull makes it's appearance.
-The smooth sukka infuses me for much of the sitting. By not analyzing much of the experience and just staying with the concentration I leave that jhana and move to what I think is the next
-The sukka disappears and there's just a nice vibrating throughout the body but I feel it's less distorting and just "good" but really it's nice. That's where the sitting ended.
-To get to the fourth I think I'll need to meditate for longer sits. This sit was more cool and refreshing than the smooth blissfulness of last night. Also more of how my skull feels is that the third eye pressure is more expansive than narrowly on my forehead like after a good exercise.

I've been meditating on concentration since the last entry. I can touch the 3rd jhana for a little bit.

60 minute mindfulness meditation

- noted the breath (but kept as much detail of the in and out breath in mind)
- noted "music" for any music in my head and even repeatedly noted it until it disappeared or went into the background
- noted "doubting consciousness" "unpleasant"
- noted "anxiety" for anxious feeling in the chest, "unpleasant". It went away and then noted "peace".
- noted "rehearsing" for internal conversations and internal buddhist analysis.
- I went through a body sweep noting the kind of sensation or if there wasnt and noted "pleasant", "neutral", and "unpleasant" where necessary. It's getting easier to body sweep now. I can tell working on concentration has its benefits
- noted "image" for any strange dreamlike images that appeared, and noted "planning consciousness" for planning thoughts. When I did this there was a sense of relief like "it's good to let this go".
- I stopped internal verbal noting for a while and just tried to be aware of as many sensations as possible just with awareness.
- noted "vibrations" for some jerks and tingling sensations
- the brain locked into what I would normally call a jhana of some kind but there was not as much pleasure due to the awareness
- after the meditation I still keep mindful. I can notice the enjoyment of letting go of habitual thoughts and when they repeat it's not so bothersome.
- it's getting better

60 min concentration meditation

-Practicing the jhanas I know
-Focussed on the breath until I entered the 1st jhana
-Switched my concentration on the feelings of rapture until they went away and there was bliss
-Used my intention to move back into the 1st jhana by refocussing on the breath and back into the 2nd jhana repeatedly with the focus on rapture.
-My head and face felt nice and warm after the meditation and still pumping away with concentration.

Retooled my practice with Shinzen Young's system. Started more intensely being mindful in daily life. Trying to read and study mindfully is slow when noting invading thoughts, but it's worth it.
60 mindfulness meditation:
-Started off with the breath being mindful of all of the in and out breaths and noted "gone" for any stillness inbetween the in and out breath. When thoughts interrupted I noted them and then noted "peace" for any relaxed feeling related to a quiet mind.
-Quickly moved to a body sweep and noted "touch" for any sensations.
-After some time I moved to noting "flow" for any changes in thoughts or sensations or anything and "gone" for when they disappeared
-During this time I felt like I was moving up jhanas but again it's a little different than just pure concentration when you're noting "flow" and "gone". It feels like you're swimming in a pool of phenomena rather than focusing on an object and staying with it.
-During noting "flow" I had to repeatedly note "image" because my mind would throw images of people I've never met before and corridors and floors It was disruptive but I noted "image" and when they went away I noted "gone" then I continued to note flow. I can tell my brain will have to get used to this.
-During noting of "flow" and "gone" I had more of a white light off my retina than in past concentration sessions and I noted "peace" because it was still and nice but that wasn't for very long. The flow was very fast and vanished and reappeared VERY quickly so it was hard to note and I noticed my heart was pumping faster and a little anxiety at times but I noted it.
-I don't feel I can just "do nothing" and let the dharma move through me quite yet but I now know what I have to work with.

Another thing that helped is making sure that I noticed the difference between noting and labeling. Noting is simply tasting as much detail of the object you choose to look at and then labeling it before you get to the next object.

60 min 2nd gear practice:

Okay after reading the Q & A with Ramana Maharshi I'm going to try using this as my concentration object.

-Basically I noticed that I was able to go up to the 2 jhanas I've been able to cultivate with other the breath concentration practice and I find it way EASIER to stop discursive thought. It's almost like waves hitting rocks. This is a big deal for me.
-I'll also take Ken's advice and try this out on daily practice instead of open awareness noting.

"Okay after reading the Q & A with Ramana Maharshi I'm going to try using this as my concentration object."
Richard, curious about where the Q&A is, I'd love to give it a read. Sound like progress so congrats!
Thanks.

The book is called "Be as you are". It's a good read. It dovetails with 2nd gear really well.

www.beasyouare.info/beasyouare.pdf

Just some other thoughts:

-When being with the "self" or "watcher" I find it easier to notice the purely conceptual self as a hypocrite. It likes to send up habitual thoughts both good and bad. By simply looking at it with that awareness (which is not judgmental or emotional) I can see it can be used to tame the habitual thoughts so I can choose which habits to reinforce and which habits to let atrophy. Of couse I'm aware of 3rd gear but I can work with this for awhile. It also is a good sign marker to see how really aware I am. When I get caught up in thoughts the awareness or "watcher" is a nice sign post where I can compare how it feels to be caught vs. totally present. I gotta train the puppy as per Kornfield

Daily life practice notes:

-At my new job I'm finding that awareness is helping with annoying situations. Just being with all the details of what is annoying (along with other sensations) and just noting it and getting on with life is helpful.
-When I get tired it's much like my meditation jogs. I can feel the physical tiredness but emotionally I'm okay so I can often put a little more effort towards the end of the day without any emotional problems.
-When I get angry I'm much more aware of what thoughts that brought it up and I can use awareness of how I feel in the body, but I also challenge my thought process to see if it is even correct or not.
-When doing boring data entry I just stay with how my fingers feel while typing and that can make a boring task actually interesting.
-The play between intellectual cognitive effort and just awareness feels like I can only do one at a time but swtiching between the two is getting easier
-I still have some motivation issues with long periods of study so getting caught up still happens but that is my new goal.

Boy it's been a while since posting. Probably a good thing. The daily noting practice is getting better. I certainly like the idea of outloud noting as opposed to quiet noting. It works better but of course I do silent noting when around other people. When exercising and just noting I find it easier to go through a 30 minute stationary bike ride with less internal complaint or feeling of giving up. With direct pointing I can tell the no-self much easier (now I know to look for a self that is a bundle of conceptions). Every time I look for the self it makes the attention go right to the awareness. It feels nice but I definitely don't have the awareness as a baseline LOL! The Dalai Lama's books are a good help. The imagining this "self" looking at a watch, getting interested in it and buying it and wearing it. The self does feel kind of "outside" of course the brain isn't "outside".

Sometimes there are outbursts of anger from memories of other people and bad behaviours and as powerful as it is there is a little more softening than in the past and anxiety doesn't feel as strong because I try not to note to push it away but instead to understand it and accept it as it is while maintaining fast noting. With competitive workplaces, recessions and jealousy the body reactions come quickly but I don't feel as panicked for as long because I just let go of things I can't control. I'm only worried that as I get faster at noting that when I stop to note for conversations or high processing work I hope I don't let go of some large emotion that I accidentally repressed. The goal for me now is to keep accepting the feelings in my body and realizing the wisdom of non-action until the emotion has passed. Noting for its own curiosity and for experimental reasons have to be sustained during tough emotional times.

Got into the 1st jhana last night and this morning. When going about my day there is a nice spacious peace. Any irritating thoughts seem to drop away. Desire and aversion melt. By seeing what throws me off after a concentration sitting makes the day enjoyable. Lots of rapture and bliss. Good day today.

Last night was more interesting. Continued to note experience but also to note anticipatory thought and pleasant/neutral/unpleasant feelings. I used less labeling and more noting. It became hard to label when the noting went faster. I was mostly going "unhuh" every second while noting much more per second. The body vibrations and waves were so fast it was a little disconcerting. It felt like my skin was bubbling. Some of it was nice but if it's rapture it's definitely a violent rapture. This morning I found it easier to keep continuity. I thought about my own death and I cried and felt "I love existence and everyone". I feel a little fear and the brain trying to interrupt with negativity but nothing that mindfulness can't deal with so far. Mindfulness is starting to be more fun. I think I've been focusing too much on labeling at the expense of noting.

1 hour sitting. Attempted to keep noting any experience arising but this time with no repression. When lost in thought I just applied mindfulness accepting any interrruptions. What I noticed most was that my brain would want to search for an object and then project an image and then that image would trigger a feeling tone. Then that feeling tone led to an evaluation and then off into the usual thinking grooves where I get caught up. My noting when the phenomena passed away led me into periods of more relief and enjoyable raptures. It's getting easier to do a full sitting for 1 hour and staying noting for most of it. I'll just keep practicing even if at only 1Hz. By doing only 1 Hz labeling I can just note continuously whatever the experience is occuring. It's much less a struggle and even anger softens when no repression is applied.

I think I can confidently say I've achieved some form of the A & P. Per Daniel's nana table I've experienced:

- Longer sits. Actually I want to do this all day and all the time.
- Confidence
- Jewel tone lights
- rapture
- fine vibrations
- Instead of moving "from a bicyle to a car" it feels more natural like riding with training wheels and now riding a bicycle without them. It just seems easier.
- sexual intensity. Though I'm able to control that much easier.

This happened after noticing all kinds of dream like internal image interruptions. I just noted them and noticed how each of the 4 foundation layers interacted with each other after reading Nick's noting description on the Hamilton project site. Some of these images are dreamlike in that they often don't make sense, involve people I've never seen before, and can be unpleasant. But by noting all those foundations and how they connect together pretty much solved most of the basic hinderences that would get me for long periods of time. Without repression and just throwing mindfulness on it it's easy to see how one layer affects another.

The other thing I noticed was the vibrations got finer and there was more of a refined gladness much like described in the 3rd jhana. It was less exciting but more clear.

I know there's so much more but now there is an eagerness to keep going for longer sits. Thanks for the tips all you guys! (DhO & KFD).

Another 1 hour sit today. Much the same as the last hour. The only difference is some tiredness to note and unpleasant images. All were noted and accepted. I'm noting "thoughts" more along with mindstates. The sensations of pleasant or unpleasant can often follow each other on the same body sensations. Sometimes cool feels unpleasant and sometimes it's quite pleasant. My concentration is MUCH better now. I still want to do more.

So far I've been staying as close to non-fusion with thoughts thoughout the day and accepting getting lost in thoughts when I have large conceptual work to deal with. Once the conceptual work is done or if there are any necessary gaps I now get back to the breath or any sensations in the body to start the process over again.

Just a note to "self" . Make sure to not just note phenomena and their 3 characteristics. Make sure to know what you are clinging to at every moment and let go into the fresh moment.