Boeuf's Practice Notes

Hello all, I've decided to start keeping practice notes here. In order to give some background, I will start by transferring a few posts from the DhO which seems to have been actually reconfigured at this time. I've been sitting vipassana in a committed way for a year, with a couple years of concentration type practice before that. I'm hoping this forum will help me stay focused on accurate reporting and give me a sense of where I am and where I'm proceeding.

A little confusion about where I am on the map. Sometimes it seems like equanimity, sometimes not...

9/27
The pranayama I do is very rudimetary: 10 mins of deep breaths with exhales 2x as long as inhales. It concentrates me substantially. I then did candle flame kasina for a bit--though curiously, no afterimage presented (or very little). However, I could feel concentration building very strongly as pressure in the forehead. I turned attention to the nada sound and the various strands therein. Then came the "chugging" sound, like imbalanced washing machine. It is more tactile than auditory--but happens in the ears. I noticed it in the right ear and then it faded. I decided to surrender to these sensations but made an effort not to "enhance" them--which is hard, I often am craving a "stronger" more distinct experience. This was followed by rushes of fine vibrations all over the body and the feeling of being smushed by gravity and more vibrations which coincided with heat in the body. Subtle images of moving through tunnels--like sewers, half-filled with "liquid". Since I wasn't sure whether I liked or disliked any of it (it was all very interesting), I began noting vedena. Then the vibrations became more prickly and I had physical sensations associated with fear (heart/stomach and along the skin). It was all sort of racing across my body and I had the feeling like I wanted to scream (Noting all the while...) The fear was chilling and "scary", but in a sort of melodramatic and not invested in an object. So I asked to see the real stuff and it all got more intense and my face tightened with fear and I actually gasped a few times as the "fear sensations" rushed over me. Then a distinct feeling that "something" was behind me--which was genuinely creepy to me and while I could investigate it, I could only bear to check out the edges of that one on a sensate level. I felt a little drained when the bell rang. I wondered also whether the fear was tolerable because I was so calmly concentrated.

9/28
This morning: a frustrating sit. The feeling is familiar and I often label it, "these are not the droids you're looking for". It's the sense that I'm on the wrong track, that the wrong thing(s) is/are "happening" Doubt. But I also know better and know that "this is it". Nevertheless, I feel that I can't sense vibrations well enough, or that I experience the wrong vibrations...these aren't the "right" vibrations. I noticed these feelings of doubt and dissatisfaction but even the dissatisfaction seems indistinct....like it's not there. There's always this feeling that there's something I can't see, something I'm missing--even in noting that feeling of vagueness or doubt. I'm aware that the object of my attention is "out there" and it seems indistinct, aware that the dissatisfaction and sense of "indistinct" is "here." In any case, I'm very concentrated, even though it doesn't seem that way, as the bell is a complete surprise.

10/2/10
Using a candle flame I gaze at it and see-feel the jhana in the flame and in my body. This works for me and the pitti rises to become quite strong, until the downstairs TV noise becomes a very distant concern. I close my eyes and there are brief flashes of a candle image, not like the usual afterimage, but like an image of a candle--they are faint, but notable (edges of nimitta?) but each time I get excited and they go away. When they do appear, I am concentrated to the point where I am not aware of hoping to see them. The jhana is pretty strong and I try switching to gross noting of sensations to see whether some shift arises...none. I then switch to noting mental states. Physical discomfort (when did my cushion get so hard?). Noting sounds/noises and my irritation, then started to ask "who is irritated" "who is uncomfortable?" Sadness arose. "Who is sad?" Noted the sadness and the almost absurdly thin 2-dimensional sense of "me"--like a cheap Halloween mask. I felt more and more spacious inside. I investigated that: how did I feel space inside? Things became more spacious and floaty, with irritation, physical pain, "me", the intention to remain sitting and the sense of space all together but separate. Something new about it in how dimensional it was--maybe just that I was very concentrated. Not pleasant, not unpleasant (aside from the cement cushion); peaceful and fascinating. I don't know what sankara/formations/constructions are exactly, but I wondered if that experience was related.

10/5
Began noting out loud today, a practice I first read about here at KFD. Very effective stuff! Sitting began with "sparkles" of light in the eyes and some physical trembling and throbbing in ears. I noted "selfing" when I that was apparent. Self if often a thought/memory, much like keeping in mind where I put something a moment before. I notice that no sensations add up to "self" except that self always seems to be "here" rather than "there". Attending to this led to greater agitation and swirling/dizziness. Many surges of energy in the body, which were thrilling like "fear" or breathtaking. A pause and then next I knew I was nauseated like being carsick and I worried I might vomit (didn't note the worry). Nausea passed and I began "lulling" sensation, which is were I withdraw into a soft less aware state. Noted lulling and brought up awareness. Eventually energy very strong at the crown of the head, like a beam of energy shooting up through my body.

10/6/10
Remarkably luminous sit, but wasn't able to make practice notes till next day so these are a little loose. Began with "doubt" and very mind & body, "not much going on." Soon moved into strong tingling and energetic movement that was like diagonal swinging with striations throught the body. Then a subtle but very important shift ooccurred, (I noted and said out loud "what's going on?") where I was aware of myself sitting also aware of selfing. Hard to put this awareness into words. I think it was the "witness" I read about here...is the witness sati? Regardless, it was a very lucid awareness. The luminosity and joy grew very strong (like back in the day of when I had super strong A&P type luminosity and joy only this time a lighter, gentler with more humor than mega-JOY. Lots of gentle laughter and smiling. Humor in seeing how transparent "self" was but how it kept popping up again.

10/7/10
Began with lots of daily worries/planning, and a heavy, inert "nothing" sort of feeling (not no thing, just dull). Noted boredom, frustration (lots), boredom, wanting to get up. Some visual glimmers followed by anticipation, but mostly an overwhelming aversion which was akin to being stuck in a cement cell. Very little energetic movement. Frustration, disappointment, then rage when my cat began to meow loudly outside the door. Rage, anger, wanting to get up, etc...Some tightness in chest...which passed. Then rage tinged by sadness which really felt like misery as in miserable (not knowledge of). Crying sensation (been there before) of energy buildup in throat-chest and squeezing feeling in the eyes. Really hated this sitting. seems almost comical now but it wasn't (I had a trace of humor, but barely). Difficult to note "selfing" but I was aware that anger solidified self and that I had some clinging to the anger and sadness and didn't want to let it go. Crabby after sitting for a long time.

Today's 45 min sit began with flashes of worry re: daily stuff. Then longish doubt/nothing going on, mind and body type phase (noted aversion to this and expectation). Slight tingling along skin but not much to notice. shift to feeling energy all over the body. Vibration subsides and returns more edgy with shortness of breath, shuddering, light anxiety--strong and pleasant/unpleasant at the same time. Quick bit of nausea, aversion and worry about daily stuff, then return of more pleasant energy. Feels like A&P but not quite....I am noting aloud very fast and then at some point I decide to stop noting aloud. Aware of warmth in the root and a "beam" of energy--but more like a structure inside--which goes up to my crown. I being noticing every shift in sensation. Clarity, stillness and pleasure (didn't note these as much as I could). Aware that every sensation which feels "out there" and is not "selfing" is itself a form of selfing by being "out there". I feel like I've been to this clear pleasant state before.

Good practice, boeuf, and good, clear reporting with a minimum of speculation. I predict that you will succeed if you keep on in this way.

Welcome to the forum!

Kenneth

P.S. Reporting tip: Whenever you have a question, reduce it to its simplest possible form and post it on this thread in its own little box, all by itself. In other words, avoid burying your questions in dense blocks of text. That way, those of us who are reading can immediately pick out the question and answer it even when we don't have the time to mine the entire thread.

My question continues to be: is this equanimity and if so how to work with it, and if not how to work with it?

Since being on retreat this summer, when I had a dramatic experience of equanimity/4th jhana (though dramatic is a bad descriptor...remarkable?) I reach this very calm, sometimes blissful, clear, pristine. Not all of these posts reflect what I would refer to as eq. Particularly, when I started noting aloud a few weeks ago, it was like a vivid review the jhanic arc. But last few days I am once again finding myself here:

45 mins sitting. Arc up thru jhanas: regrets, worry, "nothing much going on", tingling, then down & back up thru more tingling, energy, brightness, fliickering, then down and back up. Pressure at forehead and crown becomes compelling. Noting outloud throughout till things tone down and become more subtle. I tune in to the feeling of stillness, watching for thoughts to emerge and noting breath silently. There is a sense of pleasant shimmering throughout the body and smoe visual shimmering which gives way to hypnagogic imagery (sometimes a candle flame, sometimes prismatic glimpses of dream imagery A vibration in the heart like sadness...or joy? Hard to tell. Either and both. Deep pleasantness which I investigate (Q: HOW? Noting intermittently, mostly attending is it best to stick with harder noting?). I try to discover what constitutes this gentle deep pleasantness, sometimes looking for the dukkha in it. A sort of dimension shifting happens in terms of internal space (either as pressure or a sense of being much "deeper" at/near/in the core/heart area). I attend to what constitute that "deeper" feeling. I note selfing, which remains there along with all the other sensations. A flicker of anxiety about "letting go" on this deep level...Letting go of what? It's all feels very circular almost slippery in it's pleasantness. Comments? Suggestions?

Q: Is this equanimity? Is this high equanimity? I've been trying to get a sense of this for a few months now...I was at this place after retreat this summer, then professional and family demands became demanding--maybe a little backsliding. In any case, practice is at this place again, which felt a little slippery and hard to know what to do with the last time....which may be part of why I lost focus. Particular questions like chaunose is how much noting? whether to rev up the awareness? am I drifting into fog? is the instruction to "let go" more?

Seeing these helpful questions posted by Kenneth on chuanose's practice thread today about this same topic, I've decided to answer them to help clarify my practice:

How much are you sitting each day?
2x45 mins sits per day

What is your general attitude toward practice? (You don't mind it, or you do it because you feel obligated, or it's all you want to do with your spare time, etc.)
Don't mind to quite eager to sit, depends a little on demands of the rest of day. I get up at 4:30 or 5 a.m. to do it without complaint, often with curiosity and "looking forward to it"

How tight or diffuse is the focus of attention?
Very broad, diffuse.

Do you have a clear skin barrier, or does your body feel more like sensations floating in space?
Soft, skin is present, but shimmers like "champagne bubbles" sensations of body/mind seem to be floating in space. As the sitting progresses a sense of being very deep inside of some "place" but also of expansive presence space

Are you able to be aware of the whole environment, all at once, including sounds and sensations?
It seems to be that I am--that everything is just right there, externals and internals including my sense of self, my body and gravity (weight), lively sensations on skin, sounds of neighborhood, pets, cars, etc.

when at this place, I am very concentrated and on those days when I have the time, I can sit for a long, long time.

Question (assuming this is equanimity): how much to let go of my noting/mindfulness? I've read some advice that at this point it's more about concentration than sati. When equanimity sets in, I tone down the noting. These are some of the most subtle and pleasant states I've accessed. It's tricky to stay alert and not "fuzz out" or become lulled--very close to falling asleep on the cushion, but very much not. I've noticed that I have a tendency to locate a sense of wakefulness/attention in my head (noted) and that there is a certain tension/stress to this wakefulness. I also realize that it's not the same as awareness itself--which is not localized and which I can't exactly perceive, though I know it's there.

This probably sounds like I'm thinking too much--and I'm sure that's true (noted).

boeuf,

I have found that using an anchor (such as the abdomen, a pulse, etc.) is a good way to keep from spacing out when dropping noting. If I become embedded I can usually notice the pull away from the anchor after a few moments and then note something like thinking or whatever (practice thought, anticipation, evaluation thought, etc.).

If you are perceiving the anchor you are in the now.

Thanks--This is helpful. But I'm still a little confused (and I'm sure there's a great thread here on this, so links are welcome). This is basically what I've been doing, ie: trying to stay anchored in the body--either breath or the nada sound (sound in the ears). But that seems to turn into samatha--so a little indecisive about samatha vs. viapssana. (Or is that a false distinctino...it's a little tricky in this stage). When my attention is not on the body, I'm attending/investigating the changing sensations which constitute space, self, "here" and "there". Is that too directed? Should I just dive into the samatha--deeper into jhana? Or do I balance it with investigation. I know more practice (trial and error) will clarify this too...

I don't have great notes since I couldn't make them till next later next day. I say at night with kasina (candle flame) doing samatha for about 30 mins. Experienced several rounds of mild first 1st-3rd jhana (waves of energy, glimpses of joy). Eventually pervaded by calm. The bell rang and I kept sitting, deciding to do nothing but just sit and "include everything and take everything as reality." Brightness set in, but instead of joy, piercing heartache. Equanimity made it bearable, even beautiful, but it was painful. (Is the heartache what is meant by the Tibetan bodhicitta?) In any case my relation to sensation brought to mind Dogen's "Intimacy with all things." Although it was not quite fully realized as that, but close. And a familiar sense of otherness--almost like a presence. Or maybe an erasing of me. I got a little carried away by it all (I had decided not to "do" anything aside from including). It was like peeling an onion in reverse--adding layers and layers. I didn't feel a complete erosion of self and other, but...words fail me. It was almost as if I was erasing myself breath by breath but the perspective was more ordinary than that implies and was a matter of position or posture with regard to how sensation was perceived. The erasing was more like a very wide angle lens which puts everything into a broader context. It was arrived at without speculation or thinking, only: including, including, including. In way, this was a very low-key kind of noting.

Hi beouf.

Welcome and I'm enjoying your posts. Easy to follow.

In answer to one of your questions on 10/6/10, your awareness of sitting and being aware is very likely the witness that gets discussed here. You'll notice that when witnessing jhanic states they tend to proceed very strongly, as the "self" isn't in the way of the process. My sense is that later in practice witnessing the jhanas is important (as is, alternatively, at other moments, diving in fully with the self). Also, when you can access the witness in non-jhanic day-to-day states it is also quite powerful--takes concentration to maintain, but definitely pushes the process along and provides an additional measure of detachment. It sounds like you are doing all of the right practices, so the witness should for sure become more accessible to you over time.

Yours,
Mark

Thanks Mark. Is there more info/readings available on the Witness? I read the 2nd gear description accessible in the box on the left up there, but I was wondering if there's a little more--like what is the lineage of this practice? It sounds a lot like what I understand as very well honed sati. Any links or directions to existing material is appreciated. Still learning how to excavate this site--several times I've come across material and back-story after the fact...

Regards,
Bruno

Hi Bruno.

I'm also not primarily coming out of a Buddhist practice background, so whether the witness is equivalent to well honed sati is maybe one another can answer. The way I understand the witness is informed by my background in Tantric Hinduism and Advaita, where the concept is most developed. The witness is considered the fourth state (or turiya)--the one who is constantly watching the other three states of waking, dreaming, and deep sleep. As one proceeds in practice the capacity for witnessing increases, but largely in waking consciousness. This is 2nd gear practice, seeing that there is a firm separation between the watcher and the watched.

Eventually--normally towards what folks here would call 3rd and 4th path and beyond--one experiences states in which the sense of the witness releases in various expressions of the nondual. This is called "beyond the witness," or turiyatita. Once these non-dual impressions are deep enough and one's practice is very strong, one is able to hold the witness through a variety of states of consciousness (including deep sleep) and see that the essence of that ultimate non-dual state in present as the nature of every other state. On an insight level, that is a pretty good definition of enlightenment as Tantric Hinduism would have it--the capacity to witness all states dispassionately with a felt understanding that the nature of each is non-other than the ultimate.

Does this help?

Yours,
Mark

45 min sittings. Lately beginning my sittings with 5 mins of deep breathing/pranayama (nothing fancy) then 20 mins of kasina practice, switching to noting (quietly outloud and then internal after). I become very concentrated and reach a "strong" equanimity this way (still have no sense of what technically distinguishes "high" and "low" eq.)

Last night, self/body/experience/mental-states were very apparent as qualities (sometimes unified as a field) which are available to awareness which remains untouched by them. What I mean is that feelings of fuzz-out, lulling, "depth" of concentration, physical calm, or mental agitation/distraction, are quite separate from this awareness. I would like to say that awareness is "alert" or "energized" except that it has no qualities aside from it's constancy....though I guess it has a certain alert-ness because each time I noticed it I was aware of not actually "being" lulled, relaxed, etc,. Lulling was a quality/experience that was present and there was awareness untouched by it. A cumbersome way to write it, but there it is.
(continued...)

(continued from 19 above)
This sitting was also marked by an odd depersonalization. For some time, I have been very aware that "self" is a patchwork construction of short term memory linked to body sensations, linked to longer term memory, views, etc. This time there was the sense that my "self" was random or a bit wrong. My mental "self" image sometimes refilled by an image which is a little different--or seemed so. Like, there's "that guy" again--laughable almost, because "that guy" is "me," but not at all believable--just a group of qualities. A metaphor: if those qualities were a cartoon of me, then the drawing had been shuffled a little, features changed here and there and the colors filling it in not entirely consistent with how I usually know them.

All of this flavored with a striving, efforting, and low but constant frustration/expectation that realization is right here, very close to hand, and yet I can't see it. I'm looking for it even though I know "looking" for it is not how it will unfold. A challenge to stay on top of noting that efforting and frustration because it reappears with subtlety over and over.

"Hearing the words, understand the meaning;
don't set up standards of your own.
If you don't understand the Way right before you,
how will you know the path as you walk?
Progress is not a matter of far or near,
but if you are confused, mountains and rivers block your way."

--from the Sandokai

Hi Boeuf,

How do these insights make you feel? Is there a sense of wonder? Or perhaps sentimentality? Note it all. Notice that along with the frustration/expectation that you mentioned (I'm assuming that you are noting that in realtime), there can be a subtle sadness/sentimentality/grief/self-congratulation when having insights like this. It's all good as long as you note it in realtime. If not, though, it takes on a life of its own and you start associating good practice with this constellation of mind states. See is as just another gambit of mind to distract you from noting. See it clearly, note it, and move on. You are doing great.

Kenneth

"there can be a subtle sadness/sentimentality/grief/self-congratulation when having insights like this" KFolk

Thanks Kenneth. When I first read you post I thought, "no." But after sitting I noticed it. Subtle indeed! Creating an insidious storyline in the shadows so long as it remains outside of awareness.

On the other hand I have been noticing a not at all subtle increase in grief/sentimentality about impermanence off the cushion, in daily life. A very strong awareness of impermanence. Some of it feels like middle-age sadness, due to real events (deaths, time passing), but it also seems linked to meditation practice.

Tech Note: I posted a reply here, which took many hours to appear on the site, now it seems to have disappeared.

Edit minutes later: now it's back. weird.

(continued from 24)
Evening sittings generally start with kasina (20 mins) then swtich to noting, or a meditation word for inclusiveness (currently: "yes"). These often lead to very concentrated, sometimes dreamy mindstates. Some difficulty staying present for these as they arise, but I seem to maintain clearer awareness of them with every sit. Last night, the "filling in" of my "self" with other "selves" was very notable, sometimes a little scary. Sometimes there were images which bordered on visions/experiences of presences of imaginary beings, which would dissipate as I became aware of them (this has been coming on slowly but surely, dreamy qualities of individualized otherness). Noted them as soon as I was aware of them and for the most part the lag time was not that long. Last night's sitting marked by an ever increasing inclusiveness and alertness/energy where all sensations, internal and external, pleasant and not (ie: including street noise, pain) became part of the same fabric of awareness and was very beautiful, even breath-taking. I noted the beauty, wonder, etc. Afterward, it was all very gone. I kept my attention as it quickly and definitively it passed away. Nice while it lasted, but a little like seeing an amazing movie with special effects and then you leave and that's that.