Boeuf's Practice Notes
- boeuf
- Topic Author
15 years 2 months ago #69895
by boeuf
Replied by boeuf on topic RE: Boeuf's Practice Notes
(continued from 24)
Evening sittings generally start with kasina (20 mins) then swtich to noting, or a meditation word for inclusiveness (currently: "yes"). These often lead to very concentrated, sometimes dreamy mindstates. Some difficulty staying present for these as they arise, but I seem to maintain clearer awareness of them with every sit. Last night, the "filling in" of my "self" with other "selves" was very notable, sometimes a little scary. Sometimes there were images which bordered on visions/experiences of presences of imaginary beings, which would dissipate as I became aware of them (this has been coming on slowly but surely, dreamy qualities of individualized otherness). Noted them as soon as I was aware of them and for the most part the lag time was not that long. Last night's sitting marked by an ever increasing inclusiveness and alertness/energy where all sensations, internal and external, pleasant and not (ie: including street noise, pain) became part of the same fabric of awareness and was very beautiful, even breath-taking. I noted the beauty, wonder, etc. Afterward, it was all very gone. I kept my attention as it quickly and definitively it passed away. Nice while it lasted, but a little like seeing an amazing movie with special effects and then you leave and that's that.
Evening sittings generally start with kasina (20 mins) then swtich to noting, or a meditation word for inclusiveness (currently: "yes"). These often lead to very concentrated, sometimes dreamy mindstates. Some difficulty staying present for these as they arise, but I seem to maintain clearer awareness of them with every sit. Last night, the "filling in" of my "self" with other "selves" was very notable, sometimes a little scary. Sometimes there were images which bordered on visions/experiences of presences of imaginary beings, which would dissipate as I became aware of them (this has been coming on slowly but surely, dreamy qualities of individualized otherness). Noted them as soon as I was aware of them and for the most part the lag time was not that long. Last night's sitting marked by an ever increasing inclusiveness and alertness/energy where all sensations, internal and external, pleasant and not (ie: including street noise, pain) became part of the same fabric of awareness and was very beautiful, even breath-taking. I noted the beauty, wonder, etc. Afterward, it was all very gone. I kept my attention as it quickly and definitively it passed away. Nice while it lasted, but a little like seeing an amazing movie with special effects and then you leave and that's that.
- boeuf
- Topic Author
15 years 1 month ago #69896
by boeuf
Replied by boeuf on topic RE: Boeuf's Practice Notes
Haven't posted in awhile. Some family and work demands, but all I really have to say is "more of the same". Reading over previous postings I see basically the same sort of unfolding. Only difference is that I seem to reach a very deeply concentrated equanimity a bit faster and I'm feeling frustrated/bored by it. I have lately been using the inner sound (nada sound) as my object. Aware of compulsion, that there is something "I'm trying to do", repeatedly note that compulsion and try to settle the agitation/tightness that arises as a result of it. Mostly I am trying to simply listen to the sound, what it's like, how it is spatially, what it is to be aware of that sound (which is very impersonal). The contrast to the sound is self/selfing (in terms of how "personal" it is). Noting is less verbal and more "hitting with the mind". Selfing is frustrating because it is so fake and yet I'm so identified with it. Trying to avoid thinking my way out of any of this...
Off the cushion, difficulty feeling maintaining inspiration for practice. In fact, the idea of practice and realization/enlightenment sort of depresses me. I still sit twice a day for 50 mins with little resistance and some enthusiasm, but even the more "profound" sittings sort of bore me or leave me dissatisfied. Often disappointed at the end of the sitting--that fruition didn't happen, yet again. (Yes, noted.)
Off the cushion, difficulty feeling maintaining inspiration for practice. In fact, the idea of practice and realization/enlightenment sort of depresses me. I still sit twice a day for 50 mins with little resistance and some enthusiasm, but even the more "profound" sittings sort of bore me or leave me dissatisfied. Often disappointed at the end of the sitting--that fruition didn't happen, yet again. (Yes, noted.)
- mumuwu
- Topic Author
15 years 1 month ago #69897
by mumuwu
Replied by mumuwu on topic RE: Boeuf's Practice Notes
Boeuf,
Are you going through the dukkha nanas in each sit (prior to the equanimity you are describing)?
Are you going through the dukkha nanas in each sit (prior to the equanimity you are describing)?
- mumuwu
- Topic Author
- boeuf
- Topic Author
15 years 1 month ago #69899
by boeuf
Replied by boeuf on topic RE: Boeuf's Practice Notes
Thanks for the link to that thread. Interesting stuff there.
Lately, I have been starting with kasina then 20-30 concentration practice. I am working to build greater stillness in the mind. Not hitting "rock hard" jhana, but I eventually become quite absorbed though. As a result, I'm not paying a lot of attention to the cycles as they arise. After 20 mins of that, I switch to noting.
However, today I started with noting practice and stuck with it through the sitting. I made some notes below of how it progressed. Generally, I don't try to identify/name the nanas as they arise because that really seems to activate my thinking a lot. Also, while I recognize A&P, dissolution and fear, the others are less distinct to me.
Starts with worries, regrets, etc. Quickly moves to energy surges through the body, several of these, followed by moments of calm, then some light trembling and shuddering of the breath, then some anxious thoughts arise, then physical sensations of flickering and vibrating (slightly visual) which is more pronounced. Then at some point a notable stillness arises, within which everything is moving very fast. Does that make sense? What mean is that my mind becomes substantially more composed around the nada sound (the internal sound which is the object I use in my meditation), the sound becomes clearer and more present and meantime, thought, body, feeling go rushing along at pretty great speeds. I have moments where I become embedded in thought, or more often in "self", but they are short moments.
Lately, I have been starting with kasina then 20-30 concentration practice. I am working to build greater stillness in the mind. Not hitting "rock hard" jhana, but I eventually become quite absorbed though. As a result, I'm not paying a lot of attention to the cycles as they arise. After 20 mins of that, I switch to noting.
However, today I started with noting practice and stuck with it through the sitting. I made some notes below of how it progressed. Generally, I don't try to identify/name the nanas as they arise because that really seems to activate my thinking a lot. Also, while I recognize A&P, dissolution and fear, the others are less distinct to me.
Starts with worries, regrets, etc. Quickly moves to energy surges through the body, several of these, followed by moments of calm, then some light trembling and shuddering of the breath, then some anxious thoughts arise, then physical sensations of flickering and vibrating (slightly visual) which is more pronounced. Then at some point a notable stillness arises, within which everything is moving very fast. Does that make sense? What mean is that my mind becomes substantially more composed around the nada sound (the internal sound which is the object I use in my meditation), the sound becomes clearer and more present and meantime, thought, body, feeling go rushing along at pretty great speeds. I have moments where I become embedded in thought, or more often in "self", but they are short moments.