Kirby's practice journal

"Sounds exactly like what I'm going through.
"

Hi RevElev!

That's exactly what I needed hear - that I'm not alone in experiencing these symptoms and that the way I'm handling the situation seems ok.

Thank you!

20101122 - PM - 1hr

Subtle annoyance and negativity during daily activities today, with a weird sense of relaxation and OK-ness with it. Consciously thinking that this is one stage in a cycle and my theme will change again soon enough.
Did 20 mins on the exercise bike before sitting tonight. This usually influences the enjoyment of my meditation in some way - like the body is exhausted but the mind is alert. Sure enough, my body was hammered - feeling weak and a bit shaky when I first sat, but after a couple of minutes of noting I gained some real momentum and noted out loud with clarity and speed (sometimes up to 3 notes per second) for the rest of the hour.

Tingling and pressure around the temples, third eye and crown were totally absent during this sit. Odd, as they've been present without fail for the last couple of weeks. The phenomena that dominated were '˜burning - unpleasant' (buttocks burning with lack of circulation/hard cushion), aching - unpleasant' (lower back), '˜travelling thought' (childhood friend's back yard repeatedly popped up)' and these repeated over and over for most of the hour.

Analysing the overall vibe during the first half hour, I noted that there was no straining or frustration, and there seemed to be a fair amount of OK-ness and objectivity towards everything, but there was a nagging unsatisfactoriness. Some occurrences of '˜wanting' progress or attainments, but also some instances of '˜joy', '˜happiness', '˜tingling - pleasant' at the thought of what I've achieved already and the realisation that I'm able to accept the bad (scattered, dull, frustrating) sits and the good (joyful, clear, exciting) sits as part of the same beneficial practice - it's all xp toward the next lvl

20101123 - AM - 1hr

Really tired, so tried 2 x salutations to the sun before sit again. Not sure that it really made much difference. I may try some walking meditation again next time I'm this tired. Resolved, relaxed, began noting.

Quite spacey and tired. Noting internally with eyes closed to start with, then realising that I was wandering a bit ('˜wandering', '˜analysing', '˜judging') so I tried to note verbally with eyes open. Felt like a lot of effort required to maintain the verbal noting, and discomfort due to dry mouth, shortness of breath and constant yawning. Noted lots of '˜spacing out', '˜tiredness'. Kept switching to various combinations of eyes open/closed and noting mental/verbal throughout the sit. Definite increase in mental energy with eyes open and noting verbally, but additional discomfort.

Noted lots of posture pain again - '˜burning - unpleasant, aching - unpleasant', the occasional body rush and one instance of pressure around the temples.

I remembered that I have to interview a potential tester today at work and noted '˜fear', '˜stressing', '˜scattered', '˜wanting', '˜judging'. Found myself thinking about retreat I'm doing in a couple of weeks (first one), and noted '˜imagining thought', '˜planning thought', '˜wandering', '˜imagining thought', '˜fear'.

"@Kirby: Noted lots of posture pain again - '˜burning - unpleasant, aching - unpleasant', the occasional body rush and one instance of pressure around the temples.

I remembered that I have to interview a potential tester today at work and noted '˜fear', '˜stressing', '˜scattered', '˜wanting', '˜judging'. Found myself thinking about retreat I'm doing in a couple of weeks (first one), and noted '˜imagining thought', '˜planning thought', '˜wandering', '˜imagining thought', '˜fear'."

This sounds good, Kirby. Your noting is getting clearer and more systematic. Keep on in this way and you cannot fail to make progress.

-Kenneth

...

About 40 mins in, after experiencing some niggling unsatisfactoriness in '˜wanting' to be more relaxed and more OK with everything than I currently was, and more pronounced physical pain, I felt a noticeable '˜release' of any tension or wanting, and a distinct coolness washed through my mind, as I realised I had no craving for anything other than what was happening right now. This was accompanied by a subtle but noticeable lightness and pleasantness in the body. I continued gently noting what I was experiencing (I can't remember what I was noting, now), then started involuntarily comparing the physical sensation to the sensation I've felt a few times in the past which always gets me excited and thinking that something profound is happening - which almost immediately pulls me out of the experience, much to my disappointment.

Near the end of the sit, the relaxation and calmness started to wane a bit as I became slightly more embedded in thoughts, but physically I remained very relaxed. The bell went, and I resolved to sit for an additional 10 minutes as there was no physical discomfort compelling me to stop. Found myself analysing the experience for those last 10 minutes, and not really relaxing into it. Noticed a lot of '˜planning, future thought, analysing' as I was trying to figure out how to report these experiences accurately in my journal.

20101123 - PM - 70mins

Simplified resolution tonight: '˜I resolve to invest as much effort as possible to noticing the thoughts and sensations that take centre stage'. Relaxed each part of the body. Ability to '˜feel' the relaxation of each part was stronger tonight. Began noting breaths, '˜sitting' and '˜pressure' (buttocks on cushion) to get started.

Immediately noticed that there was not a great deal of clarity, but recalling Rob Mtl's comment today that '˜anything you think is a problem right now is not a problem..', I resolved to try and relax into it and be OK with whatever happens. I soon felt very relaxed and pleasant, with noticing still going on - but labelling was quiet and in the background. Noting '˜relaxed - pleasant, relaxed - pleasant, joy, tingling - pleasant (full body rush), tingling - pleasant, joy, relaxing - pleasant, aching - neutral'. I realised that the posture pain was still there, but in this state was not '˜unpleasant'. I could feel the burning or the aching, but it didn't translate to '˜pain'.

About 20 mins in I noticed a pressure surrounded by light tingling on each cheek - near the back of the jaw. Noted this '˜tingling - pleasant, tingling - pleasant, tingling - neutral' which remained the centre of attention for an unusually long time. Found myself noting '˜curiosity, tingling - neutral, interest, tingling - neutral, remembering', as the tingling gradually became more spread out with less of a '˜pressure' sensation in its centre, then eventually dissipated.

cont..

I'm glad my comment resonated in your practice. Something I'm still coming to terms with is that "clarity" is just one of those things that comes and goes. Another thing on the list of things I spent years trying to cajole and manipulate into behaving more like my *idea* of enlightenment. But clarity, or comfort, or calm, or relaxation, or alertness, or wakefulness, or happiness, or peace- none of those are written into the contract. They come and go, and always will (at least for the foreseeable future- we'll check the list again after 4th path!). Our only job is to be there when they happen.

20101124 - AM - 1hr

Resolved, relaxed body parts (with scattered attention), started noting the breath. After a minute or two, I decided to try concentrating on the breath for 3 x counts of 10. Felt like I was always aware of the breath each count, but it was not often the centre of my attention. Continued into noting whatever arose.

Really tired, so there was very little clarity, and I noticed a lot of tension and anxiety because I wanted to be able to note clearly and consistently, but just didn't feel like I had the mental energy to do so. '˜Sleepy, dullness, sleepy, anxiety, anxiety, wanting, sleepy, judging, frustration, spacing out, spacing out, sleepy, dullness, wanting..'. About 10 mins in, there was an all pervading feeling of anxiety and '˜tension, tightness - unpleasant' noticed in the body, as I was still fighting against the inability to note with energy and clarity. This passed after a few minutes, and for the next 20 mins I relaxed into the '˜spacing out' and '˜tiredness' a little bit, although there were frequent occurrences of '˜judging thought' and '˜doubting thought' as I felt like I wasn't doing the practice most efficiently if I wasn't noting quickly and clearly. Frequently recalling something that I read about noting consistently - ideally once per second - being important, and because I wasn't able to do this I was failing.

On 3 occasions around the middle of the hour I recall noting a '˜remembering thought' of some mundane situation followed by '˜disgust', '˜aversion'. I can't remember what the stories were, but for some reason I found them so boring and mundane (they weren't painful or upsetting or anything, just boring) that I mentally wanted to push them away.

cont...

...

About 40 mins in I decided to try noting rhythmically again. Once per second, on the second. Surprisingly, this worked - and I started feeling a lot more mental energy and momentum. Continued to note like this until the bell went. I'm now wondering whether trying to switch to rhythmic noting earlier in the hour would have achieved the same result.

"Something I'm still coming to terms with is that "clarity" is just one of those things that comes and goes. Another thing on the list of things I spent years trying to cajole and manipulate into behaving more like my *idea* of enlightenment. But clarity, or comfort, or calm, or relaxation, or alertness, or wakefulness, or happiness, or peace- none of those are written into the contract. They come and go, and always will (at least for the foreseeable future- we'll check the list again after 4th path!). Our only job is to be there when they happen."

I'm starting to really understand this lately. Up until a couple of weeks ago I believed that you had to be experiencing phenomena with great clarity or you weren't doing anything of real value. After reading a lot of great comments regarding this issue on the forum, and applying the 'just be with whatever arises' advice to my practice, I've found that I am fully capable of consistently noting whatever state is present - even if that is sleepiness, dullness, or an almost total lack of mental energy. At some level there's an awareness that still sees the dullness with clarity.

This forum really is a unique and extremely helpful place - this community is awesome, and I'm so thankful that I stumbled across it. Thank you all!

20101125 - AM - 1hr

Missed a sit last night for the first time in ages. Had a tech support job for the gf's parents, then decided that I should just try to catch up on some sleep. Didn't feel comfortable about missing a sit, but figured it's not worth stressing about.

Feeling very groggy and tired when I woke up, so tried 15mins of walking meditation first up. Haven't done walking meditation for a while so I quite enjoyed it. Sat, forgot to make resolution, relaxed body parts, then got into noting. Silent noting with eyes closed for 45mins.

Pretty uneventful noting session. Same stuff coming up as usual '˜sitting (feeling space of body), touching (seat), pressure - neutral, travelling thought, travelling thought, hearing, feeling relaxed - pleasant, visual thought, remembering thought, sleepiness'.
Not so much dullness this morning, and not as much spacing out and leaving big gaps between notes. Actually felt like missing a sit made this one a bit more refreshing and new feeling, like the level of interest had slightly increased.
Some judging and analysing the experience, trying to meet some kind of expected result, but then relaxing into it and being generally OK with whatever happened. (Not in a really profound way, but just enough to take the edge off of the judging, doubt and tension. I did have to remind myself to do this often.)

You're doing such a good job kirby!

Keep it up!

...

Quite a relaxed feeling overall again. Still not straining to experience some sense of clarity and strong concentration when it's just not there. Feels like I'm pushing the mindfulness with just as much energy as I have available - no more, no less. So tonight my awareness was quite turbulent, with thoughts and sensations flitting through the spotlight fairly rapidly and unpredictably, and there was only real clarity when I was watching the breath, abdomen or the sensations around the head - the rest of the time it felt like I had a vague impression of what I just experienced but it was no longer there to see clearly so it was like an unclear memory.
In the past I would have felt that this was not clear and focused enough, and pushed myself to concentrate harder and see clearer (ultimately creating frustration and tension), but tonight I was able to accept that this was a clear as it was going to get, so just kept noting whatever arose however I saw it.

Bell went while I was in the middle of a period of feeling relaxed and pain free (the posture pain had been pretty strong for about 20 mins prior, but had vanished completely for some reason), so I resolved to sit for another 10 minutes. Relaxed feeling continued for a few more minutes then the pain returned pretty suddenly. Noting now felt almost panicky as I struggled to label everything that was happening, and it felt somehow fake or forced or hollow....something like that.

Shifted to comfortable '˜post-sit' posture and just sat there for 5 minutes more '˜remembering', '˜tingling', '˜vibrating' before I got up to write my practice notes.

20101125 - PM - 70mins

For some reason my attitude today was very negative and aggressive. All sorts of shenanigans going on at work that I handled poorly. Tried to note anger, tightness, frustration, etc, but would usually only have time for 3 or 4 notes before I was required to focus on something else.

Resolved, relaxed body parts, and began noting. Initially noticing mainly physical sensations and breath - '˜sitting, pressure - neutral, in breath, out breath, in breath, remembering thought, visual thought, pressure - neutral'. More remembering and travelling thoughts began to arise after a while, and the occasional thought about the events of the day - '˜remembering thought, regret, judging, self loathing, sorrow, pressure - neutral, analysing thought'.

Lots of pressure, pulsing, vibrating and tingling around the temples and forehead. On multiple occasions it felt like I was wearing a visor made of tingling (whatever that would be). Found myself intentionally looking for the 3 characteristics while noticing these pulsing, vibrating, tingling sensations. Noted '˜judging' as I thought '˜you're not supposed to think about it!' and sank back into relaxed noticing.


cont...

20101126 - AM - 1hr

Resolved, relaxed, started noting. For the first 15 minutes, everything was really quiet. Not silent or still, there were many thoughts and sensations perceived, but they sounded like they were turned down to 1 out of 10 on a volume setting. My mental labelling was also at this volume. Very peaceful, no sense of effort.

Things got louder after a while, and some '˜tiredness' and '˜spacing out' started to occur. Worrying that being too relaxed about it was not doing the practice correctly (as I frequently do), I opened my eyes and continued to note internally. This seemed to result in more wandering somehow, so I closed my eyes again and felt more in touch with what was going on. Near the end of the sit I tried some verbal noting with eyes open for a few minutes until I couldn't muster the energy to do so anymore, then closed my eyes and returned to silent noting. This increased the mental energy a bit, and phenomena were noted more frequently and clearly for a couple of minutes before becoming dull again.

Felt that pressure in the third eye area that was pushing upwards again. Allowed it to do its thing and my head tilted up to face the ceiling. Frequent pulsing and vibrating at the temples. Not so much around the forehead, and no tingling this time. At one point a distinct and rapid vibration occurred in my left ring finger, which I noted as '˜vibrating - neutral, vibrating - neutral, wanting (it to continue and do something special), vibrating - neutral'. After a few seconds it kind of sputtered out like an old car stalling. I noted '˜wanting, disappointment, amusement, laughing'.

20101126 - PM - 1hr

Sat almost immediately upon returning home from a very hectic day at work. Resolved, relaxed the body (poor concentration), began noting. Noting silently with eyes closed. Very scattered for the first 15 mins. Started to settle and notice many physical sensations. Notably a sensation like ants running around on my scalp. Noted as '˜tickling - neutral, tickling - neutral, analysing thought, planning thought, tickling - neutral'.

About 30 mins in I started noting out loud with eyes closed. This got a real flow going but not a lot of depth. Stopped verbal noting after about 10 mins and immediately noticed pressure around the head. Noted '˜pressure - neutral, pressure - neutral, pressure - pleasant, wanting, wanting, pressure - neutral'. The pressure then moved to the third eye area and started pushing upward. I allowed my head to move up with this force, noting '˜pressure - neutral, shifting, curiosity, pressure - neutral'.

At about 45 mins I became very spacey. Noted '˜spacing out, spacing out, aching - unpleasant, spacing out, hearing, visual thought, hearing, relaxation - pleasant, spacing out'.

Near the end I noted an itching on my right cheek (itching - unpleasant), which quickly transformed into a weird tickly, numb, pressure sensation which I spent the next couple of minutes analysing and thinking about what to label (the sensation stuck around for ages - to the end of the sit, which is unusual). Noted '˜itching - unpleasant, ...numbness, analysing, numbness, searching, searching, tickling, numbness, pressure, tickle pressure!, amusement, tickle pressure - neutral, tickle pressure - neutral, tickle pressure - neutral'.

Great reports Kirby. Your noting sounds very thorough, capturing the stuff that's easy to miss. It's a good idea to investigate a persistent itch just like you describe in this last one. Kenneth calls this the "kiss of concentration"

"Great reports Kirby. Your noting sounds very thorough, capturing the stuff that's easy to miss. It's a good idea to investigate a persistent itch just like you describe in this last one. Kenneth calls this the "kiss of concentration" "

Hi nadavspi!

I'm curious - what exactly is meant by the 'kiss of concentration'? I haven't come across this expression before

Focusing on one itch like that when possible will lead to concentration. Kenneth or someone more experienced could elaborate on this. There are references to it all the over the place... check out post 55 here: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/40...set=40&maxResults=20

Brilliant!

Thanks for the link. Now I know how to deal with these itches in future!

Kirby, I agree with Nadav, your reports are great. You are obviously on the right track, so keep up the good work. Following the itching can be a useful tool. If you notice and note the itching and it doesn't immediately go away, then try to stick with it and see what happens. Does it get more intense? How does it change? For me, following an itch in this way became a frequent launching pad from 3rd to 4th nana. If the itching doesn't stick in this way, that's ok too and what's going on with these sensations can help figure out where you are on the maps.

Thanks Jarrod!

This is really good to know. I'm frequently curious about where I am on the path but have no real certainty, so I become interested in finding out for a while, get disheartened and doubtful, then I just let it go and decide 'It doesn't matter. I'm sure I'll *know* when it actually matters'.

If this persistent itching is a fairly common sign of being in 3rd nana, then this is what I've been looking for. I will continue to just note whatever arises, but now I'll intentionally stick with these long duration itches when they arise and see what happens


Cheers!
Kirby

20101127 - PM - 1hr

Resolved, relaxed the body, began noting. Noting was quiet and clear tonight. Lot's of thoughts, feelings and sensations arising, but the noting '˜me' kept up with all of them. Feeling of relaxation and calm within the first 15 mins. Noticed '˜Visor of Tingling +1' again (tingling from one temple to the other, around the forehead). The physical feelings noted for the rest of the sit were usually either tingling over the whole face, pulsing/flickering pressure around the temples and third eye, or posture pain.

After the initial relaxation, a sense of tension and anxiety set in. Noted '˜anxiety, tightness - unpleasant, hotness - unpleasant, unsatisfactoriness, analysing, anxiety, tightness - unpleasant, aversion, wanting'. Then for the rest of the sit I alternated between feeling very relaxed and pain free for 5-10 mins, then feeling agitated, anxious and in pain for 5 - 10 mins. Still, the noting continued calmly and consistently.

At one point I heard a group of blokes shouting and whooping from next door like they were watching a football match and their team had just kicked a goal. I noted '˜hearing, hearing, imagining thought, visual thought, excitement, excitement, compassion, happiness, curiosity, excitement', as I felt excited at the sound of their joy, then curious and surprised at the fact that I did not feel annoyance or just disinterest at the loud noise while I was meditating! I reflected on this briefly and felt joy at the recognition that I was effortlessly experiencing loving kindness. Shortly after, I heard Lisa's singing from down stairs, which usually annoys the hell out of me, so I noted '˜hearing, hearing' and awaited my reaction, which was '˜visual thought, happiness, happiness'. This experience was pretty cool.

20101128 - AM - 1hr

Was up really late playing games and watching movies last night, so felt pretty numb and tired when I woke up this morning. Anticipating a scattered sit. Resolved, relaxed each part of the body (not very concentrated), started noting.

Found myself resting on the breath or abdomen early on, and feeling very relaxed while doing so - just noting '˜In breath, out breath' or '˜rising, falling'.Ability to just let go of any expectation and note was high, which surprised me considering my groggy mental state. Very relaxed and with it for the first half hour, and heaps of full body tingling going on - more than usual (about 10-15 waves). Noticed that they usually occurred upon noting '˜humour' or recognising that I was completely with whatever was happening and feeling '˜pride' at my ability to note with accuracy ('˜pride' is usually followed by '˜judging', '˜guilt').

Posture pain started to set in about half way through ('˜aching - unpleasant, aching - unpleasant, burning - unpleasant, shifting, fear, aching - unpleasant, sweatiness - unpleasant'), and thoughts gradually started to become more scattered and small periods of '˜wandering' (5-20 seconds) occurred. Occasionally analysing the situation and reminding myself to just be with whatever is happening. I think this intention to '˜be with whatever is happening - just note it' is dominating my practice at the moment and making it rather pleasant. Occasionally noting '˜aching - unpleasant, agitation' or '˜dullness, tiredness, scattered', then '˜wanting' (to not feel pain or to be more alert and clear), judging' - then settling back into just noting without the '˜wanting'.

Bell went and I was surprised that the hour was up already. Gotta love those sits that just fly by

20101128 - PM - 1hr

Very scattered and sleepy sit tonight. Began with question: Why am I meditating? Tonight's answer: Because I feel a compulsion to do so as I fear that if I do not meditate I will lose momentum and fail to gain freedom from the unsatisfactoriness evident in my life. Resolved, relaxed the body, began noting.

Scattered noting...missing a lot, zoning out and catching myself day dreaming. Opened eyes a few times to try and generate a bit more energy. This worked for a couple of minutes each time before the eyelids became too heavy (noted '˜heavy, sleepy, heavy, frustration, wanting') and I closed them again.

Noted an itch near the nose that quickly turned into a sensation of tickling/numbness/pressure/itching like I felt the other day. Remembered forum discussion about this kind of persistent sensation so endeavoured to focus on it. This proved difficult in my current lazy, energy-lacking state, and I kept noting other thoughts and sensations that arose, returning to the tickle-itch when I remembered to do so, and only vaguely noticing the detail of the sensation. The tickle-itch sensation remained for about 15 minutes.

The rest of the sit was dominated by physical discomfort (aching, feeling hot - it's summer here), and frustration and wanting due to the scattered mind. Intentionally '˜letting go' failed most of the time as there was a strong '˜wanting' to be clear and calm hiding behind a constantly moving screen of vaguely noticed thoughts, imaginings, cravings and discomfort.