TMN Dharma - A Practice Thread

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The tingling waves on the body, due to how gross and chunky they feel, are distracting so, as I did before, I just shift attention to the mental aspects and see how I felt before I started tonight. At this point, I'm quite nicely relaxed into my body and feeling the benefits of not criticizing my failure to focus earlier as I continue on the breath until my alarm goes off. I decided to go back inside and take care of what was still to be done for the day, I intend to sit down tonight with my girlfriend and show her how to start out with samatha practice so I'll get another 30-60 minutes in later from a more solid foundation.

It's been quite an unsettled day emotionally here, nothing major or unmanageable, just a general lack of effort, complacency, and the inability to sit still. There's also been a noticeable vibration on the left side of my neck during the day, like a trapped nerve vibrating or a feeling similar to that, and tension in the same area so I'm guessing either 3rd or 10th nana, depending on where I "am" on this whole map malarky which, although interesting to know, matters less to me than solid practice and accurate reporting.

With a mound of metta to all of you, goodnight!

11/02/11 (Update from 10/02/11)

After an inconsitent and irritable session earlier in the evening, I found my attention become very spacious and broad as the night progressed. At around midnight, I was watching TV when I decided to adopt a sort of Zen-like open awareness by allowing the eyes to relax and just remaining with any sensations as they happen. I slipped into a more serene and more broad range of attention, noting was easier to do non-verbally and everything was seen to arise within a massive, panoramic perspective in a very accepting, gentle manner.

I closed my eyes and began noting as fast I could, this led to another shift to an even more subtle sense of space and led me to note awareness of awareness, the sensations of space being included with this larger space which, when noted, collapsed in on itself. At this point I believe a Fruition occured, there was no recollection of anything between noting the last sensation of space collapsing and becoming aware of the sound of the TV again.

Afterwards my attention seemed very inclusive of everything from bodily sensation to the shape the light cast on the ceiling, I relaxed back into this openness and remained there until I fell asleep. This morning I awoke feeling quite clear and sensation felt considerably less frantic and chaotic compared to yesterday.

I'll be sitting formally again tonight and reporting back with whatever comes up.

11/02/11
Vipassana - 60 mins (15 mins outside standing, 45 inside sitting)

Quite honestly couldn't be arsed to practice tonight at first, felt like I'd rather sit watching TV or reading. I thought about how yesterday's practice was so lacklustre, and looked at the way I'd felt through the day which, although started quite calmly, ended up with me swinging between being really agitated and unsettled, to the spaciousness and openness that I felt last night. I noted all the way home from work and ended up laughing at these impression of myself looking like a petulant child who was getting pissed because things weren't going his way, just a mental image of the way I saw these emotions of anger and impatience. The more manic and agitated emotions probably looked like I was going insane for brief periods, I would become very animated and expressive, go off on tangents during conversation and feel like I was there to teach everyone how to meditate! This only happened two or three times during the day for about 5-10 minutes at a time but was enough to make me start noting and trying to get through it as soon as possible, not pleasant at all.

So anyway, I decided to go outside to meditate in the rain as it's utterly pouring down here and I figured that the sensations going on would be enough to get me into some solid vipassana and see what's going on. I've noticed that there's a set of sensations which happen when I get to the gate of my garden and begin to cross the bridge over the river, like an instant mindfulness and sense of preparation which is helpful before beginning. I stand in a spot where I can feel the rain, the wind and cold air on my face and focus on the breath for a few cycles, then I bring my attention to begin with the sensations of the rain hitting my face, a mixture of aversion and attraction, the way the rivulets of water run from my forehead and down my neck..

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..go from being refreshing to annoying, welcomed and then abandoned for more present sensations. I note thoughts of planning this report, of the dog currently running around, thinking, imagining, visualizing (which feels like a sub-section of imagining), sounds (i.e. music or dialogue being heard internally), remembering, symbolizing, avoiding, love, disgust, attraction and desire, all noted as they happen and seen to pass with no attachment. I found I could shift quickly to being able to "become" the river by focusing on the sound, but found it a distraction as it solidified concentration and noting became very sticky.

I quickly returned to noting and bringing in the 3C's which brought the speed and accuracy to a phenomenal level, like a continuous flow of sensation noted really smoothly, each space between these things being seen and understood could be observed and I felt sensation shift to above my shoulders. A raindrop I perceived from the sensations of it hitting my head as being huge brought attention to the top of the skull and the space surrounding the entire body. I felt very positive but not ecstatic, just present and aware with sensations flying around and building reality in every moment, perfect and beautiful.

At this point I decided to go inside, the rain was still pouring but I felt contented and focused. From having felt like just watching TV before I took the dog out, I now felt inspired to continue practice inside for a longer period and so I took a cushion into the bathroom, set the timer, turned out the light and noted.

Beginning at the touch of the body on the floor I moved to note a considerable tightness on the forehead, this became quite central and I moved focus to it while applying the 3C's to see how it changed. Sure enough, it does what it says on the tin.

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The tension shrank, it had felt like the whole area around the 3rd eye was contracting but could be seen to dissolve, to pass away and for other sensation to take it's place. I noted thought, critical, analyzing, detaching, combining, confused, remembering, sensory recall of moments in the past e.g. like being in a single moment in time, which is clearly seen as a big template mankind overlay to understand reality, a unit of information, this is an idea which comes up quite a lot at this stage during practice and contemplation of it brings some interesting thoughts....but I note that this is not noting!

Distracted! Annoyed! Disorientated! Pop! Next thing there's just a sparse, open field of awareness and darkness. I'm still very much present, this isn't cessation so I note these sensations. Pain in the back and neck, tension again like last night, remembering, correlating, comparing, warmth, thought, imagine, negative, paranoia, positive, laughter, visualize, smell, neutral, hearing, touch, posture, intention, correcting, attention, movement. The shaking begins in the base of my spine, not intense though, as I type this I'm actually feeling the same thing like a small series of alternating clockwise/counter-clockwise circling movements, it's starting at the base of my skull here and projecting up and down from there creating a slight tension in the neck as I'm noting and typing. I just realized I can make this happen at will and it feels identical! I need to investigate this, but on with the reporting for now.

Apologies for the diversion there, that was too noticeable to not mention. Anyhow, so I relax into this movement and feel it move me from the inside outwards. Attention remains on each sensation that appears, as quickly as I can note them, as I notice the pains in my back again which I observe with equanimity and watch as they go from being present.....

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....to holding on for dear life as they fade to nothing, I noted feelings of this as being like pain trying to stretch itself out, fighting to be noticed before something else takes it's place. I return to noting that thoughts can be magnified and examined, there's a tendency for visual imagery to present on the left hand side of my visual field and I note speculation, questioning, note that I'm getting caught up in this process and go back to the breath. As I note the breath there's awareness of the space around the body, from the space below my folded knees to the area immediately above my head with some considerable energetic fluctuations from the jaw upwards. I recalled a sensation noted last night of the heart area expanding in a clearly perceivable way, expanding from the area surrounding my heart to encompassing the entire universe and I feel a beautiful wave of bliss flow over me, a very immediate and direct comprehension of love and compassion which pulled me up from the earlier feelings of heaviness, disgust, density and harsh, irritating sensations.

I note awareness of the body and feel a shift to a clarity and openness similar to that from last night, my face breaks out into a gentle smile as I find that I can just accept things as they occur, I see the anger, confusion, fear, paranoia, reactivity and instability as nothing more than mental farts. (Yes, I've got a ludicrously childish sense of humour) and laugh at my own inability to just shut up sometimes, sit with sensation and drop all the speculation. I noted that my body had no connection to the space surrounding it, it was the space and I could note that the sense of dimensions (XYZ) I noted in the past had vanished entirely leaving my feeling like I was "floating" but with nothing to be floating within. If I noted a bodily sensation, that's all it was, just the sensation.

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I struggle to find the words here which don't imply some incredible, magical experience as it wasn't like that at all, this is a problem I've had with writing reports in the past as something which presents as being matter-of-fact can be made to sound more impressive than it actually was so excuse any hyperbole in my writing. There was the sense that the points of reference for a separate self had gone, by that I mean that there was no longer any "my hand" touching "my leg" as these objects were just that. Objects. What seemed incredibly simple in experience proves difficult to express in reasonable words which don't automatically cry out "********" so I'm hoping these explanations are clear enough.

Fruition occurred shortly after this as I noted "not self" on every sensation which could still be observed, I also inclined again towards Fruition and managed to get this twice in a row before I lost momentum and accepted that I was done for the evening. An interesting session which will only become clearer through further practice as I try to condense these reports to a reasonable, non-epic length.

12/02/11
Vipassana - 20 mins.

Noted open-eyed from the moment I set foot in the garden, trying Kenneth's noting aloud method which seemed cumbersome at first. Dropped any previous style of silent noting and focused on this while noting one sensation per second - noted seeing, colour, hearing, thinking, naming, categorizing, depth, size, space, awareness, noting, concentrating and adding in notes of clusters e.g. cold-unpleasant-dense, tension-neutral-standing.

Due to the cold outside, the extremities of my body were very clear without even trying so I shifted to closed-eyed vipassana and noted the body as a whole, the sensations of the legs, the clothing touching the leg, space within my shoes, feet touching them, the breath in the throat, on the nose, the cold on my face. Noted more energetic pulsation (kriyas?) from the heart area, expansion in the throat and more movement upwards to the head.

Began noting fear rising up quite strongly, moreso than I've ever felt it during these stages before, and began looking at what was causing it. Noted sounds of movement in the bushes by the river, noted wild thoughts about someone hiding there and wanting to kill me, noted the desire to open my eyes and done so slowly, examined the garden and saw no physical reason for these feelings and so noted it closer until I saw how utterly ridiculous these mental images of some crazy tribe who'd walked upstream with the intention of killing me for some unknown reason, all based on literally TWO momentary sounds not being noted correctly, actually were and subsequently burst out laughing.

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Noted the excitement of fear, what it's function is, how it's only based on thought and is not anything to do with self, how feelings of self-preservation are just that, self-based and, as such, illusory. Only the thought causes the physiological reactions of increased pulse and other fight/flight dualistic responses.

I noted acceptance, the mental and physical vibrations related to fear were still occurring but "I" was just laughing and seeing them pass. This caused a wave of bliss and peace with which I decided to end the session, feeling that this insight was enough for the moment. I returned inside and immediately wrote this report with the intention of posting it later.

Session 2.
Vipassana - 45 mins

Not much happening. Found myself getting absorbed in concentration quite a lot and having to note my way out to clarity again. Noted some sensory flickering, like switching on a fluorescent light. Emotionally, again not much going on there, pretty quietly balanced. The only stand-out occurrences were a couple of complete sensory drop-outs, or complete absorption into a formless jhana, noted a very pure silence and an apparent absence of thought at one point, also spent a period of time in the observer just being aware with no noting.

Peculiar session. I feel quite happy and contented right now as I write, recall of the meditation seems quite difficult at present and the fragments above are about as much as I can get at present. I may update this posting at some point but may leave it as it is, I rarely come back with such sparse commentary on these matters and I'm interested to see how this has come about but feel that only practice will reveal the answer.

Just read this sutta and wanted to post it as it made me laugh thinking about my own experience earlier:

"The thought occurred to me: 'What if '” on recognized, designated nights such as the eighth, fourteenth, & fifteenth of the lunar fortnight '” I were to stay in the sort of places that are awe-inspiring and make your hair stand on end, such as park-shrines, forest-shrines, & tree-shrines? Perhaps I would get to see that fear & terror.' So at a later time '” on recognized, designated nights such as the eighth, fourteenth, & fifteenth of the lunar fortnight '” I stayed in the sort of places that are awe-inspiring and make your hair stand on end, such as park-shrines, forest-shrines, & tree-shrines. And while I was staying there a wild animal would come, or a bird would make a twig fall, or wind would rustle the fallen leaves. The thought would occur to me: 'Is this that fear & terror coming?' Then the thought occurred to me: 'Why do I just keep waiting for fear? What if I were to subdue fear & terror in whatever state they come?' So when fear & terror came while I was walking back & forth, I would not stand or sit or lie down. I would keep walking back & forth until I had subdued that fear & terror. When fear & terror came while I was standing, I would not walk or sit or lie down. I would keep standing until I had subdued that fear & terror. When fear & terror came while I was sitting, I would not lie down or stand up or walk. I would keep sitting until I had subdued that fear & terror. When fear & terror came while I was lying down, I would not sit up or stand or walk. I would keep lying down until I had subdued that fear & terror.

From Bhaya-bherava Sutta: Fear & Terror" (MN 4), translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.
www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.004.than.html .

13/02/11

I'm posting this having done no formal practice today, I really can't focus at all and feel horrendous. I spent a while in tears for no reason, losing my temper and feeling like I'm going completely insane at times although I've been paying attention to whatever's happening. Right now I can't really communicate much, I understand that there's nothing else to do but to practice noting the pains in my chest, neck and head, feelings of being torn apart inside and the knowing that I've chosen to walk this path.

It's at times like this I wonder why more people aren't prepared for these stages when they're pretty much universally encountered in any genuine system of development? Until I found MCTB and KFDh, I knew the Dark Night through terms like "The Abyss", St. John of the Cross's poetry, and alchemical parlance in particular but none of these communicated the sheer normality, however destructive and difficult, of these stages as clearly as I now know them. I think the attention given to these areas and the frankness with which they're discussed on here, and other more pragmatic, techniques based sites, is one of the most important things to come from this whole "hardcore" movement. I am grateful for what I've learned, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I'll speculate here that in the last few days I've passed through Dark Night, and am currently in Re-Observation. I'm away to practice.

Metta!

Godspeed!

14/02/11
Vipassana - 60 mins
(10 mins o/s standing, 50 mins seated)

First up, thank you to to mumuwu and omnipleasant for the support. As mad as it sounds, two words actually made a difference when I thought how you both, and pretty much everyone else on here, knows what this sort of thing feels like and how important that mutual understanding during these times. Thanks lads, it's really appreciated.

So, on to what's happening now.....Today was similar to yesterday, a lot of absurd thoughts and anger, a real sense that I couldn't be bothered even trying to communicate with people at all for a while also. There were moments of completely serenity, like little islands in this harsh, chaotic ocean of sensation, which were welcomed but not grasped at or solidified, I actively engaged with the moment as it occurred and stayed with the negativity until I could see it for what it was. It wasn't a very good day in terms of "feeling good", but I had the opportunity to see what these sensations are made of and to disembed from them in a more direct and definite way than I've been able to in the past.

Practice-wise, my first session of standing vipassana was conducted in the pissing rain! I've noticed that awareness has remained quite wide and spacious for the last few days, focusing on anything is extremely difficult but I've been noting the periphery of these sensations as best I can and had began doing this as I left the house. I noticed very little bodily sensation, awareness seemingly floating in space, diffuse and wide but still sensations implying a central point, not a self as such but more like a point where it all originates from, which I began to examine. I noted tension when attention was paid to this, a tightening of some sort around that area in the middle of the brain, subtle but noticeable.

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I had to open the gate to the garden so noted the intention, the mental images and the movement towards the act of opening the gate, the sensations of the damp, cold, hard wooden gate, my feet on the slippy, wet bridge as I stepped into the garden, the sight of the the river flowing, the foliage, green and yellow, around it's banks and the sounds of movement, fast and roaring due to the heavy rainfall. I immediately noted the tension and edginess that's permeated the last few days, noted it and watched it become objectified into just another sensation with no power to affect my experience of the world, I accepted it as a sign that I was practicing well since it takes proper technique to end up feeling this terrible! At this point I dropped the verbal noting and stayed at sensate level, paying attention and just being aware of what was occurring, I felt myself begin to solidify any positive aspects of concentration and avoid dealing with this really fast, metallic vibration which was happening. Thoughts rampaged through my mind, images of death, each of them noted and seen to just vanish until I felt a shift to being very aware of the background, the leaves and river behind me.

I went inside shortly after this and immediately went to sit on the cushion. There was pain, a lot of pain on the edge of the foot due to the pressure on the ground which was noted as changing quickly, forming lines of sensation which were seen as empty vibrations and devoid of a self. This brought a shift to the same formless, floaty 3D-awareness as when I walked to the garden, I was aware of pain but there was no-one there to "feel" it i.e. connect up all the thoughts, emotions and curious little vibrations which make up this object we label as "pain".

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Man, you are definitely on the ride. Inspiring momentum you seem to have with your practice. Keep doing what you are doing!

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Returning to the breath I made an effort to release it to flow with the heartbeat, I find this bring on awareness of fine vibrations very quickly so I noted this and saw that, in that moment, the sensations of the breath were all that were left to imply a subject and an object as my focus remained solely on this. I noted the sensations of air, it's journey through the nose and into the lungs, the sensations implied there and how these were notable and so couldn't be permanent, satisfying or self. At this point I, as usual, struggle to find the words to talk about what was happening but I'll do what I can to present it in as down-to-earth terms as possible.

There was the sense of an opening, an odd paradoxical space within a space which I would describe as being like a stretched out (multi-dimensional?! For some reason that makes sense. Ha!) semi-circle, or at least that what's I would interpret from the sensations present at that moment and based on my recall as I write. There were three miniscule "blanks" and then I'm fairly sure I blanked out totally, there's a definite gap in what happened at the very least when I try to think about it, which I assume was a Fruition but am open to the possibility that I don't know my arse from my elbow. I became aware of what I take to be mental formations coming back in, like an old record player starting up and playing the same song, hopefully this metaphor makes sense but I can try to explain it more if required.

A mental image appeared, very much content-based and related to what just occurred but I won't bore you with my personal symbolizing faculties, and the thought that "It can't really be THAT simple can it?!". I laughed to myself as I sat there, the alarm went off and I stopped it mindfully. I sat there quietly, enjoying the breath but realizing that coming back to baseline brought awareness of the pain in my foot!

Cheers Nik, that means a helluva lot to hear you say that : )

Additional Note re: 14/02/11

I was about to switch the computer off when I remembered a couple of fairly significant things about tonight's meditation:

At one point, I was aware of sensations implying that I was floating in infinite space which were accompanied by visuals of my body, seated in asana but flickering and faded. Any attempt to think about "where" in the usual spatial dimensions I was were met with sensations of confusion as mental images of where in the room I might be facing if I were to open my eyes were noted.

I remembered what happened before the three "blanks", or strobing of awareness, and the Fruition itself: There was sense of being on "this side" and also being on "that side", a dualistic split like a reflection which I can't really describe yet. I could say something like awareness becoming aware of itself but that seems too cliched and I don't feel that the perceptual knot has been untied yet.

Practice continues.

15/02/11
Samatha/Vipassana - 60 mins total
(15 mins o/s vipassana - 45 mins seated samatha merging into vipassana)

Another day of general impatience, irritability and the desire to just not have to deal with people. This is unfortunate as my job consists of talking to people all day, the upside is that it gives me a chance to practice metta and also watch how the negative feelings alter my experience, interactions and behaviours through the day. I made a point of being at sensate level as often as possible, from the feeling of my voice traveling from my throat to the touch of my hand on the banister of the stairwell and feet on the steps which allowed for some respite.

In practice, I stood outside and tried to focus on the breath as I had scheduled myself to work on samatha tonight. This was incredibly difficult and took quite a lot of effort but the shift to first jhana was very distinct, almost like "Right, well now you can see it so get on with it you fool!", and so I tried to stay with the breath but continually found myself noting anything resembling solidity which proved more annoying. Figuring that it was pointless to fight, I dropped to noting everything from the breath to the space behind me as I gradually felt the tension lift and the pains in my chest and neck subside. Unfortunately my dog then decided he's go mental at a car driving past the garden which I took as my cue to go inside.

I showered and sat down to attempt samatha again with a candle as a kasina, focusing on the flame was easy enough and I saw the shifts, visually, through jhanas 1-3 within a matter of minutes but quickly felt that I would be better off taking the breath as an object. I blew the candle out and instantly became very agitated, I had slipped out of jhana and had the urge to do vipassana instead of this so I began noting.

My concentration was all over the place....

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...but I resolved to stay at sensate level and practice regardless although the desire to just get up, stop all this and go do something else was overwhelming at times. It manifested mainly as dense waves of boredom, images of doing something else, feelings of edginess and that it'd be easier if I just gave up. This was all noted impartially, just noted and allowed to do it's thing. I noted a major increase in pain in my feet with the pressure on the floor and stayed with that as best I could until it broke down.

Periodically I would try to go back to samatha but sensation always appeared and needed to be noted, nothing was really attained in this other than testing my own resolve to stick with practice, no matter how little, or how much happens during it. I persevered until the alarm went off but must admit that no Fruition occurred, I opened my eyes feeling defeated and like there was little to do but just accept that, in vipassana, them's the breaks and it's all part and parcel.

I can't identify anything major about this session other than my dissatisfaction with it. Reflecting on it now, there's an element of giving up and surrendering to the flow in the notes so I'll consider that this evening. At present I feel neither here nor there, just calmly present and noting when sensation goes towards either extreme. I've noticed the increasing emphasis on the edges of perception during daily life, the falloff of reality so to speak, particularly in the visual field and how just paying attention to this brings about sensations implying a definable edge but it's subtle, it's there but I'm not quite clear enough to really "get it" yet.

Practice makes perfect, and so we continue. I'm going to start writing a piece on the dukkha nanas called "Flowers In The Desert", which I'll post at some point.

Cheers!
T.

"First up, thank you to to mumuwu and omnipleasant for the support. As mad as it sounds, two words actually made a difference when I thought how you both, and pretty much everyone else on here, knows what this sort of thing feels like and how important that mutual understanding during these times. Thanks lads, it's really appreciated."

You're welcome!

16/02/11 - A Different Approach

Woke up this morning (duh dehdundehdun) in a peculiar jhanic state, like the last tinges of a lucid dream fading off. I initially thought I was out of the metaphorical woods of 10th ñana for a few minutes before I noticed the neck pains and tension I'd noted lately, this was confirmed by the fact that I became easily irritable and quick to anger with my family over incredibly minor issues like whether or not we were going to do a forest walk I'd suggested a few days previously. Realizing that this was helping no one I resolved to minimize the "bleed-through", so I hugged my girlfriend and daughter, apologized for being a **** and continued to maintain awareness of these tendencies towards getting annoyed through the day.

To cut a long story short, I had to go to see my brother which involves an hour-long bus journey so I decided to change up my meditation routine and use the time to my advantage. Figuring I wouldn't be home in time to sit at my usual time I saw an opportunity for a whole different set of sensations to note! I began noting from the moment I left the house, observed movement, contact, the rising and falling of the feet, seeing, hearing, thinking, assessing, judging, decision. An interesting moment was when I got the image that the cash machine I was intending to go to was going to be broken, just a flash of the image accompanied by a subtle tightness in the solar plexus area. Sure enough, I walked towards where the bank is and saw a guy removing the front of the machine for servicing! Probably coincidence but it's an entertaining thought.

I noted the waiting, the passage of time, expectation, false recognition (mistaking a bus for the one I was waiting for), standing, pressure, contact, and perception of colour. Sitting on the bus I noted points of contact where the body touches the seat in various places....

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...the feet on the floor, awareness of other people, the sounds on the bus and breaking them down, identifying, categorizing, labeling, tones, auditory 'textures', how objects can 'catch' the attention with a subtle sensations like catching a ball in flight. Concentration was still poor, I was practicing dry but it felt very fluid and I was able to note accurately. I closed my eyes and remained with bodily sensation such as touch, the vibration of the bus and the sensations of movement. This was when the first session got interesting, I noted how the body itself remained still but the sensations of moving forwards as the bus accelerated were noted in the chest and solar plexus as a pushing sensation. When the bus turned, I noted what was turning and found no change in my physical position so noted what made up this "turning" sensation, at this point I don't really have appropriate words to explain what I noted other than seeing the mental aspects of reality as being the same as the physical aspects (nama and rupa?) in some very unusual way. I can't say that I noted any Fruition, or cessation of any sort, but the insight occurred and I continued noting. There was a traffic jam which accidentally extended the session to about 70 minutes so I spent it wisely and simply noted until I had to stop as I knew my stop was approaching.

On the return journey (two buses, another 60 mins or so of practice time) I sat in a sense of awareness I can only describe as being completely disinterested in the "content" of experience and solely concerned, which is completely the wrong word, with sensation occurring. This felt entirely neutral, I could note nothing positive or negative as things just "were" and could be seen as empty of content. Objects, just units of information again like I've noted in practice before but this time they could be seen in real-time.

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I've noticed these same feelings before, the feeling was not dissimilar to the PCE being discussed so much these days, but there was none of the "happy and harmless" feeling going on, just a profoundly detached, but in a way which is difficult to really describe, relationship with the world. I remained in this level of awareness for a while but found noting unnecessary, any time I 'felt' anything I could allow it to fade off in the background which prevented the whole "thinking" process from having any effect.

At present I sit writing and feeling quite contented as I was last night, clearly practice is the only way to deal with the stages of insight so I shall stop here and go make some music for a while. There's no bliss, no amazing unity, and I believe that practice is taking me into the beginning of the 11th ñana but I'm backsliding by the next day. I've been maintaining skepticism that I'm in the 10th ñana as I could just as easily be in a difficult experience of 3rd ñana, I'm aware that this is a possibility and see no problem accepting that I'm not as far ahead as I'd like to think I am at times. If I hit some sort of A&P, you'll know all about it.....Ha!

Metta