TMN Dharma - A Practice Thread

17/02/11
Vipassana/Samatha - 60 mins.
(Samatha - 10 mins o/s & Vipassana - 50 mins seated)

Re-observation or 3C's? I'm confusing myself now. Today was another day of being severely annoyed by people, becoming incredibly critical and harsh, and generally doing my best to either sit with the negativity or ending up trying to detach and wish it would all just f*cking stop. There were periods of the day when I felt that I could just be there and observe my body doing it's thing, almost like sitting immediately behind it and resting in that space, so I practiced noting and just remaining mindful at every opportunity. By the time 1700 came, I had turned into an old Zen monk. Ha! I just felt that everything was "as it should be" in the moment and found myself giving advice to a friend of mine who's 20 and was saying how much he wished he could just go back to school and start again. I gave him a lecture about being in the moment which seemed to cheer him up so I felt quite good about that.

Practice: Standing outside I thought I would test my concentration given how erratic it's been lately, I took the breath as the focus and quickly felt the shift to access concentration. From here my focus moved to the space at the 3rd eye and I experimented with shifting the depth of the visual field at will, this could be executed smoothly like the zoom on a camera and I got a very clear movement into 1st jhana. Attention was easy to fix on the body as I became aware of the usual physical tingles and moved up to 2nd jhana shortly after, I made a point of stopping here and examining the width of attention in this space and what I could note as being missing from my baseline consciousness. I could sit with the blissful waves, physical and mental, and note how I could no longer feel angry, no animosity, no negative thought-loops although this became almost too pleasant and I came back to baseline.

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I began noting as I placed the cushion on the floor, noted the movement of the joints, the sound of the floor creaking and balancing myself as I sat down. I focused on the breath again and quickly became absorbed in 1st jhana in which I began to note the size, space, feelings, distance, and dimensions. This broke down the jhana and I began to note the transition between this and the sensations becoming more apparent, noting pain, unpleasant, in my lower left back I stayed with that and noted it's impermanence, neutral, it stretched and burned like someone twisting the skin so I noted these sensations too as they changed to more and more subtle vibrations flickering on-off. Impermanence became the focus on all sensation and brought attention to considerable pains in my neck, back, head and chest/solar plexus area which were seen to vanish. From here, the sense of suffering became overwhelming as I noted a blockage at the solar plexus area, unpleasant, hot, which, when noted, pulsated and stretched, the sensations could be noted on the back of the body too and seemed more densely packed. I tried to keep the focus on this area as I noted each change in this sensation, there were feelings of my ribcage expanding and stretching, painful and difficult to endure and increased pressure in the solar plexus.

I sensed that the blockage cleared with a distinct upwards movement through the chest and a "boink" (imagine a cartoon balloon popping) in the throat which brought a pleasant wave of relief and brought the attention away from the pain and tension. The pain in the back was still there but I have an injury in this area anyway and assume it's related to that and continue noting. After this I lost the thread of noting completely, concentration went to pot but I remained with sensation and noted anything which I could get to notice, there were elements of paranoia, bitterness, anger, hatred and disgust...

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..All I could see was negativity and disturbing thought, none of which were being accepted very easily at all but I fought on. I continued to struggle, getting caught up in content, swirling thought and self-defeating attitudes which I noted and noted and noted. The urge to stop meditating and just ditch it for the night came on strong again, but I had resolved to stay with whatever came up and see it through to the end. At some point, I found that vipassana wasn't doing anything, my concentration has just kinda leveled out and I had visual impressions of some sort of horizon in the visual field which I tried to stay with only to get lost in thoughts of interpreting experience, trying to figure it out, trying too hard and generally wasting my time.

I was relieved when the alarm went off and got up from the cushion feeling like I'd been beaten up, I felt that nothing had been achieved. Right now I still feel quite uneasy and pissed off in general, I'm going to work on staying with this and see what I can learn while continuing practice. It takes me an average of about 90 minutes to write these reports so I'm going to try condensing the info a bit more and extending my practice.

Metta

18/02/11
Vipassana - 30 mins.

I sat down tonight (god-pose style rather than Burmese) and decided to go for a different approach as the last few nights have been nothing short of horrendous. Figuring that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by overhauling my routine I changed it up.

I resolved to note as accurately as possible and began with the breath, noted several different sensations within each "rising" such as the movement itself, other smaller "rising" and "falling" sensations, contact of the air on the nostrils, movement of the air and so forth, at around two sensations per second. I noted my tendency, exemplified by the journeys into self-pity and paranoia of the last few nights, to note the emotional content of a thought as emotion being experienced rather than part of the object which means I'll cause myself to "feel" these negative emotions and sensations.

I continued noting like this, noting "distracted" and "contents" seperate from "thinking" and staying at sensate level as best I could, including neutral, pleasant, unpleasant with each one and noting the 3C's. If you would like more details of what went on during this part then please feel free to ask, I'm trying to focus on what I considered to be the most notable elements and condensing my reports to avoid too much content-based malarky.

I shifted to noting the noting itself, noting what was doing the noting and continually aiming for the sense of "I". I noted that no sensation held any more value than any other, awareness had sensations suggesting immense size at this point but noting this showed it to be just as subject to the 3C's as any other object which caused a profound shift in how I experienced sensation from that point.

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Vipassana ceased to do anything, I saw a thought about the "insight disease" being "cured" passing by and laughed, but no matter what I tried to note was seen to break down of it's own accord. Bodily I felt that sensation below the neck had all but ceased, from the neck up I felt very "in the moment" and that the sense of "I" could be seen as becoming more and more diffuse from the area behind the eyes. This was accompanied by a slight tension and pressure at the 3rd eye area which I tried to note but found that a wave of blissful energy flowed from my crown chakra which almost pulled attention with it. At this point noting became possible again and I began to deconstruct "bliss" and, what I can only describe as being, "dome-like energy" sensations which seemed to originate from the 3rd eye area and expand outwards and upwards (Imagine something like a 1950's idea of "living on the Moon" might look like, only infinitely huge and you'll get the general idea).

I noted the pressure and saw that by noting one sensation, the mind grabs it and runs with it and adds all these other bits and pieces to create a whole experience, storytelling and constantly trying to interpret, make things "fit". My knowledge of Buddhist terminology is still very basic but I considered the idea that I saw how the "aggregates" make up the sense of a "self", I would appreciate if someone could correct me on this. I noted that I was "impressed" by this level of awareness and became equanimous towards it which caused a shift in the scope of awareness which I can only describe as being panoramic, again I noted and noted these sensations implying space, implying some sort of refuge for the self in experience....

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...physical sensation was very, very subtle by that point and I felt that "I" was awareness until I noted these sensations also. I experienced something which I can best explain with this image, I saw boxes being opened and unpacked, each one containing a smaller box which was then unpacked and so on. I observed the sensations involved and noted that no matter how many boxes I could open it was still just more sensation and as such could not be a self, was entirely temporary and was unable to satisfy in any fundamental way, shape or form. On this note I recall seeing the last tiny box (remember this is just a visual representation, the experience had no qualities in this sense), like a quantum something or other and became aware that the box, it's contents, the space around it, and the subject observing it were one and the same along with every sensation which can be noted. This caused a complete blank in awareness, no continuity, no mental echo, nothingness.

By my estimation, and based on the recall from re-entry, barely a second could have passed before I became aware of awareness again, followed by mental activity re-starting but this all occurred in a completely different way to what I've experienced before. As I opened my eyes I sat in a gorgeously silent 1st jhana and slowly noted the sensations of the area around my crown chakra as being open wide, a flow of very subtle energies circulated through my body and I gently smiled to myself.

Whether this was Path or a really profound A&P remains to be seen, either way I am confident that I got Fruition but there are a number of things which I noted, before and after, which don't line up with an A&P such as the preceeding days of practice, the lack of recall between the apparent Fruition and re-establishing reality, a lack of any sexual, or notably "kundalini"-style symptoms commonly associated with 4th ñana.

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I'm well aware that I could be bullsh*tting myself here and I stand to have my ass handed to me by 5th ñana in the upcoming days if this was the A&P. I will live and learn, that's just what happens and I'm not too proud to admit when I'm wrong. As it stands, there's been a marked shift in baseline experience, the sense of "I" isn't here as I type and referring to "I" causes a sort of tension in my head and neck, specifically about halfway down the back of my neck, like a shoelace being pulled or something. Again, I could be talking out of my ass and stand to be corrected at any point but I feel that a Path has been attained, although this remains to be tested as it is now almost exactly a year since I attained what I believe to have been Stream Entry.

More practice and more examination will follow......

Metta

Hi Tommy,

A few thoughts:

"a wave of blissful energy flowed from my crown chakra which almost pulled attention with it."-TMN

Notice that "energy" is a catchall word. It does not directly point to an experience. See if you can note the sensations and/or mental impressions that comprise "energy."

"My knowledge of Buddhist terminology is still very basic but I considered the idea that I saw how the "aggregates" make up the sense of a "self", I would appreciate if someone could correct me on this."-TMN

There is a great deal of speculation going on during your practice time. Instead of indulging it, try noting "dharma thought" or something similar. Theory is valuable, but don't waste your precious formal practice time trying to figure things out. Save the theory for after your sit and try to be as efficient as possible with cushion time.

"noting the 3C's."-TMN

I don't recommend noting the 3C's. The 3 characteristics are a theoretical structure to describe your experience after the fact. Don't waste your time. Instead, note your experience as it arises, including "dharma reflection thought" or "speculation thought" or "evaluation thought." The contents of your thoughts are not directly relevant to vipassana; you just need to know that you are thinking. The inability to see thoughts as thoughts in any given sitting will prevent concentration from forming properly and keep you in the lower nanas.

"Barely a second could have passed before I became aware of awareness again, followed by mental activity re-starting but this all occurred in a completely different way to what I've experienced before."-TMN

Very provocative. Eager to hear further updates. Any changes in the practice since then?

"have my ass handed to me by 5th ñana"-TMN

Technical point:

The 5th nana, Knowledge of Dissolution, is pleasant and corresponds to the 3rd jhana. The dukkha nanas begin with the 6th nana, Knowledge of Fear.

Thank you for taking the time to comment Kenneth, I really appreciate and value your advice.

With the "energy", I apologise for not being more specific. I'll examine what I describe as "energy" in practice tonight and report back with more specifics.

During practice I do make an effort to avoid speculation until afterwards, I see that this isn't clear from my notes and will try to present the information in a less speculative way. It's been a problem for me when it comes to reporting on practice which I'm trying to correct and appreciate you pointing that out. I am guilty of getting involved with "thinking" in it's various forms and not just noting "thought" in the moment.

With regards to the "Fruition" (inverted commas as I'm going to avoid making any outright technical references from now on so as to avoid more speculation) re-entry, I've been paying attention to this more over the last few weeks after speaking to Daniel Ingram. It's currently 0717 GMT so I haven't practiced since last night but I'll be sure to report back this evening, although the perceptual shift from then is still apparent.

Apologies for the inaccurate terminology, I've been practicing magick for the last twelve years or so but now solely work with Buddhist techniques so I'm still learning and working to clarify this. My understanding of the stages of insight is mainly based on MCTB and the analysis of my practice on the DhO by people like Tarin Greco, but I'm always looking for more accuracy and consistency.

Thanks again for taking the time to comment, would you mind recommending a more accurate way to report on my practice? I really don't want to continue speculating and would much prefer to provide details which would assist in diagnosis of my current practice.

19/02/11
Vipassana - 30 mins

Seated meditation, "god-pose". On Kenneth's advice I'm dropping speculation and any attempts at figuring out "where" I am. I'll do my best to present only the sensations noted.

Noted touch/contact, neutral, categorizing thought, planning, self-criticism, trying (to drop speculation and note plainly), negative, anger, pressure at the solar plexus, negative, movement (shaking prev. noted during practice but aimed at noting where the movement originated e.g. knees, chest, neck area), neutral, dharma thought, trying to impress, irritation because of this. Noted thoughts in various forms, (avoided content) mainly planning reporting, anticipating criticism, judging (myself and others), fear, worry over deluding myself, pi*sed at myself for making so many mistakes before, negative, sadness. This was noted, anything implying that I was getting involved in content such as starting to follow a train of thought was noted and felt like a slight pulling "inwards" towards the thought.

Physical sensation was being noted also but most activity was noted as thought forms, I also noted tension in the legs and chest which moved upwards to the head very slowly. I tried to interpret the sensations of "energy" as noted last night. This was made up of "rising" sensations, like very fine vibrations similar to what I would associate with entering 1st jhana but with more "depth", felt more deeply within the body rather than on the surface of the skin. "Flickering" of the eyelids was quite prominent at times, mainly at the beginning of the meditation but also later in the session, which was noted along with "anticipation", "movement".

I'm still working on presenting this in terms of noted sensation only, apologies for the brevity.

Nice! I admire your humility and the precision of your noting. With that kind of attitude you are bound to make progress.

Antero.

20/02/11
Vipassana - 50 mins

Seated on the floor, Burmese pose.

Noted touching, contact of the fingers in mudra, tension in the knees, pains in the feet and back. Thought noted, planning, interpreting, avoiding, worry, fear that I wasn't noting well enough, criticism, anger and despair. Noted a fluttering sensation at the top of the abdominal area and the same "blockage" sensations as see before. Attention was incredibly difficulty to maintain, turned to breath counting to stabilize and did three cycles of ten which brought access concentration but no more than that.

I had noted earlier in the day how I look "outside" of myself for sensation, brought this to the session and remained with the body as well as I could. Noted attention being focused immediately in front of my eyes and feeling very solid for a while, noted colour occurring with sound like synesthesia. Noted posture, slipping from it, correcting, sensations implying sitting correctly, straightness of the body.

An irritating, anger-filled and really unpleasant session which has left me feeling tired and sick of everything. If it weren't for knowing that this is all part of the progress I would quit right now and never meditate again, there's sensations of self-loathing and disgust, really annoying bodily twitching and these little tremors in my muscles. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not familiar with feeling like this through practice but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with sometimes. Apologies for the negative tone of this post and thank you to Antero for his kind words.

Metta

"
An irritating, anger-filled and really unpleasant session which has left me feeling tired and sick of everything. If it weren't for knowing that this is all part of the progress I would quit right now and never meditate again, there's sensations of self-loathing and disgust, really annoying bodily twitching and these little tremors in my muscles. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not familiar with feeling like this through practice but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with sometimes. Apologies for the negative tone of this post "

No need to apologize. Everyone of us here is going through, has gone through, will go through that again and again and again until the mind stops sticking to it all and identifying it as too "dark' for "me". Try seeing in those moments of shiittiness why it is so shiitty? and who for?

"Although the bodily pain was obviously very strong, I could see that the citta was calm and unafflicted. No matter how much discomfort the body suffered, the citta was not distressed or agitated. This intrigued me. Normally the kilesas join forces with pain, and this alliance causes the citta to be disturbed by the body's suffering. This prompted wisdom to probe into the nature of the body, the nature of pain and the nature of the citta until all three were perceived clearly as separate realities, each true in its own natural sphere.

I saw clearly that it was the citta that defined feeling as being painful and unpleasant. Otherwise, pain was merely a natural phenomenon that occurred. It was not an integral part of the body, nor was it intrinsic to the citta. As soon as this principle became absolutely clear, the pain vanished in an instant. At that moment, the body was simply the body'”a separate reality on its own. Pain was simply feeling, and in a flash that feeling vanished straight into the citta. As soon as the pain vanished into the citta, the citta knew that the pain had disappeared. It just vanished without a trace."

The Late Maha Boowa

www.scribd.com/doc/47794869/Maha-Boowa-The-Path-to-Arahantship

Thanks for that Nick, I'm focusing just now on how these feelings manifest, how and where they're noted and what's actually identifying with them. There's a darkly humourous vibe going on too, like I know how transient and empty these sensations are, but getting caught by them is like finding yourself the butt of a bad joke.

Thanks again for the support and encouragement, practice will obviously continue as I see no point in stopping, regardless of how painful it seems at times. I made a resolution that I would attain 4th path, regardless of how long it takes and how difficult it gets so I won't be discouraged by these shiitty (nice workaround for the swearing filter btw!) feelings and all the useless "self" pity.

Onwards and upwards!!

"There's a darkly humourous vibe going on too, like I know how transient and empty these sensations are, but getting caught by them is like finding yourself the butt of a bad joke.
"

Probably one of the best insights there is! Best wishes!!

21/02/11
Vipassana - Ongoing throughout the day.
Formal Practice - Standing vipassana 45 mins.

I'm trying a different approach today, I've been keeping a note of what was observed through the day as I would consider today to be one of the worst I've had in a while. On waking up I initially noted calmness but, as soon as I got out of bed, this changed to being irritable and impatient in a way which seemed more pronounced than previous days. What follows is some notes I made during the working day:

- Noted insecurity, feeling "alone" and being very reactive to stimuli (Customers being angry and getting pis*ed, directing their anger at me) which doesn't usually phase me.
- Short temper, impatience.
- Feeling stupid, inadequate. "thinking paranoia" about my job which I know immediately as being "thought" and nothing more. Noted "slowness" of movement, actions seem very deliberate and clumsy.
- Noted feelings of loss and being abandoned. Superstitious thought (an old pattern of behaviour which doesn't normally occur), anxiety, fear and paranoia.
- Pressure at the head/ajna chakra area.
- Feelings of wanting to "claw my brains out" accompanied by a really cartoonish form of anger. Like a ball of rage in the center of my brain.
- Can't maintain attention during conversation, noting "hearing" begin and end, losing any of the content of the conversation.
- Difficult to hear, wanting to escape from experience completely. Sound is harsh and irritating.
- Tiredness.
- Breaks, lasting less than a minute, of complete acceptance and equanimity which were like an oasis. Noted grasping for these sensations, how this causes more suffering and pain as they'll only pass like every other sensation anyway.

These notes are in order as I wrote them down through the day from about 1300-1700.

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Notes from standing vipassana - 45 mins.

I had the dog with me at first, he was continually squeezing a squeeky ball and trying to get me to play. Each noise the ball made got me angrier, this continued but was noted as it rose up and up, increasing in intensity until I felt like I was about to grab the ball and throw it in the river. Noted tension, rising anger, compulsion to move, intention to control, maintaining impartial noting which observing various physical tics and shaking from the stomach, the chest and the left side of the neck.

Took the dog back inside and returned to the garden, it was raining fairly heavy but I felt that the isolation and silence the garden afforded would be more beneficial than being seated in the house. Stood noting contact with ground, the clothes on the skin, cold, wet, thinking, speculating, struggling, worrying....then I felt like I'd forgotten how to do vipassana! I stopped, focused on the breath and counted one cycle (10 breaths) which steadied me, I realized that I was getting myself worked up by trying too hard rather than starting slowly,

Noted fear, tension and pain in the heart area like a "pinching" or "grabbing" sensation. Noted the same "energy" as before but observed three phases of activity in it through the meditation - Each time it originated in the shoulders, just above the shoulder blades and felt like very fine vibrations, closely packed together but very light and soft. They would move inwards and downwards towards the solar plexus at first, later in the meditation the seemed to move towards each other to meet at the base of the neck, and in the final stage it could be felt moving upwards and outwards through the neck and head. These are accompanied by pleasant feelings, a tingling and sparkling sort of feeling over the torso mainly, each time they caused the same pleasant bodily sensations...

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...nothing exceptional, just nice and natural feeling. I want to examine this "energy" more so that I can be more accurate since, as Kenneth said, it's a "catch all" term and I want to avoid that.

Noted thought as an object, but noted how quickly the content can catch the attention. In my notes I wrote "Catch the storyteller before it runs away". Other types of thought noted included expectation, analysing, planning, the mental aspect of hearing, seeing, touching, how the thought/consciousness of the sensation occurs after the sensation is noted which made observing the arising and passing of each one more obvious. Noted "gaps" between sensation, infinitesimally small but notable nonetheless. The beginning and ending of "hearing" was particularly clear at this point.

Noted how anticipation, expectation, waiting and anything involving "future thoughts" creates anxiety, something which is not in the moment, a potentiality, a possibility and so can only be based in thought.

I'll continue keeping notes through the day and including those in my reports. Now feeling better overall for having practiced, but noted some irritated and angry thoughts earlier on when reading on here and the DhO which, when examined more closely, were all about wanting people not to end up deluding themselves and ending up suffering more. I've been guilty of thinking I'm further ahead than I am, only to have to eat humble pie and accept that I've misinterpreted an experience and convinced myself of it's validity, through the desire for it to be the "truth", without subjecting it to extensive reality testing over a lengthy period of time.

May we all end suffering in this lifetime, however long it takes.
Metta.

This is really good stuff! For what it's worth, no need to "catch" the story teller, just always return to noting sensations and mood, whether it is during story telling or during not story telling. Even equanimity or a feeling of being present needs to be noted.

All of us have eaten a big slice of that humble pie -- no big deal. Just remember the lesson of that pie is "reboot" by just going back to noting the sensations and thoughts. It's actually really simple, even if you feel like sh*t or an idiotor a fool or a genius or an expert or whatever. Simple.

"All of us have eaten a big slice of that humble pie -- no big deal. Just remember the lesson of that pie is "reboot" by just going back to noting the sensations and thoughts. It's actually really simple, even if you feel like sh*t or an idiotor a fool or a genius or an expert or whatever. Simple."

Fantastic advice! Thanks for that, betawave : )

22/02/11
Informal noting throughout the day & 45 mins outside, standing vipassana.

Woke at 0630 as I had an interview today for a promotion in work and wanted to be prepared. Spent 30 mins just folllowing the breath and gently noting sensations of sleepiness, waking, thoughts about the day ahead, remembering bits of dreams etc. Done the same as yesterday and kept some brief notes as the day went on, kept notes sporadically from 0900 to 1400 when the interview started:

- Generally OK with everything, noted as contentment and mental images of standing in the middle of a flow of sensations.
- Quickly annoyed and impatient with people on the phone.
- Worry, competitive, confident, assured noted in series.
- Noted being "with" the breath completely.
- Pain noted at the back, in line with the solar plexus (tension and discomfort noted here earlier)
- Thinking judgement, wondering, imagining and projecting desire, doubt.
- Fear, worry, insecure, content heavy future thought creating anxiety, fear - this was noted as a thought-loop.

Overall feeling-tone to the day was neutral, noted positive emotion occurring more than the last few days but there's still elements of this anxiety happening occasionally. To pinch a quote from Kenneth: "It's all grist for the mill".

(Standing practice notes following...)

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Stood in the garden, a fine rain fell and the temperature was moderately cold. Note standing, contact (clothing on skin, feet on the ground, fingers touching), rising/falling/inhale/exhale and their mental counterparts, wet, neutral, cold, (neutral, unpleasant, neutral looping in quick succession), hearing, interpreting thought, categorizing, guessing thought, flickering of the eyelids and gentle vibrations from the shoulders towards the heart area.

Very rapid flow of kriyas (I use this term as I understand it to refer to the shaking and twitching experienced during practice), some from the base of the neck, then the temples of the head, then down and back up the arms in a cycle, awareness of this was broken by noting thought and interpretation again, object contacting with the mind and consciousness of it before a new object presents itself, this same structure noted in each sensation. Noted mental image, content heavy but quite interesting alongside the other sensation, of consciousness greedily devouring objects, including images of my own body.

Noted too quickly to verbalize, mentally or audibly, and remained with a steady awareness, noted spaciousness, expansion and a "shift" sensation to another viewpoint. Noted shaking as it happens, where it starts mainly but not catching where it ends. Noted that bodily awareness only occurred when the skin contacted another object e.g. the wind, the rain, clothing, otherwise there was nothing but "empty", difficult to describe but you'll probably know what I mean. Noted mental sensations implying self, physical sensation could be noted quickly and accurately, noted noting and what noted the noting which became a loop of thoughts. I broke this up noting it as "looping" and returned to observing what entered awareness.

Experienced a high-speed blast of sensations ranging from very pleasant to very unpleasant.....

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...noted my face contort in a clear expression of "disgust" at some imagined pheomena, noted understanding, acceptance, surrender but not giving up, more about letting go. Noted a variety of thoughts becoming "loops" at this point, noted "distracted", and observed this happen without getting involved with the experience. Noted mental images of trying to look at my own face and seeing that it didn't exist, emptiness, flickering and then a dropping sensation. Noted a flurry of thoughts, or became aware of thought again or whatever would best describe it, and continued noting as bodily awareness became more "gross" and "dense".

At present I'm still just generally ok with everything, there's still little flurries of impatience and a comedic anger, like a childish tantrum, but they're accepted. I'm aware of solidifying any of the positive feelings rather than just being with them as they arise, noting them and moving on, tempting as it is after the last few days. And so it continues....

Metta all 'round