Daniel J. practice

1/13/12
Sit: 1 hour '“ evening
Phenomena: Lots of pain. Strong headache, down neck and back. Legs sore. Lots of confusion, uncertainty. And more pain and more confusion. Thoughts '“ planning thoughts, speculation, etc. Some aversion, sadness, calm, equanimity, irritation. Some tingling, itching. Some restlessness.
Practice: Noting as much as possible.
Self-evaluation: To confused to evaluate.


1/13/12
Sit: 20 minutes '“ evening
Practice: I decided to try 20 minutes of noting out-loud before bed, just to give it a shot. I hadn't done this since last spring. I noted outloud at a rate of 1 per second for the entire 20 minutes, start to finish.
Phenomena: Notes: about 65% 'pain', about 30% 'hearing', other 5%: some thoughts were noted, planning, speculation, analysis, and mindstates, suffering, anger, frustration, confusion, resentment, tension, tightness, some itching, cold, warmth, tingling, moisture. In addition to the notes, it seemed that for much of the time there was an ongoing stream of thoughts and emotions that were going unnoted. There was one period were I probably spaced out and just noted (pain and hearing) on autopilot with about 10% awareness of the sensations I was noting for a minute or so. And, everytime I noted pain or hearing, I was aware of those things, but so much else was going on; pain and hearing was all I could seem to note. At about half way, I broke out crying/ almost screaming, and tensing tight muscle contractions. I haven't had those kinds of things in a long time. Then, a memory came up, and then more crying.
Self-evaluation: Continuous.

Daily life:
Been meditating most of the day while at work. Been feeling sensations like energy movement, pains, tension patterns and tingles, moving throughout the body, arising and passing.

1/14/12
Sit: 1 hour '“ evening
Phenomena: About half way through, became very sleepy. It seemed that at times maybe only 10% of my attention was on the sensations making up the present moment, and the rest was sorta lost in a hazy reverie of sleepiness. All of this was noted, of course. I don't remember the first half. I know there was two small waves of bliss at some point before the sleepiness. There was a lot of happiness, amusement, joy, delight. At one point, very calm and quiet and peaceful. Lots of questioning thoughts, analysis, speculation, evaluation, etc. Pain scattered throughout, more aversion toward the end. Anticipation toward the end.
Practice: Noting outloud at least one per second for the entire hour continuously 100%. Also, I was attending to the entire experience in between notes, as best I could. This additional attention waxed and waned throughout the sit, with less awareness and more sleepiness toward the end.

Daily Life:
More lucid dreams last night '“ not as strong as the night before.
Today: I drive a box truck for work, and commute to the farm, so altogether in a day's work I drive about 3.5 hours alone on Sundays. Today, I noted outloud at a rate of one per second for the entire 3.5 hours. Also, I noted (silently) while at work, and whatnot, as much as possible.
Driving practice was fascinating and wonderful.
First drive (1.5 hours): Got very sleepy. Noted sleepiness, and lots of pain. Thoughts were slippery and in background, so mind wandered a lot while noting would go on autopilot. Very hazy, but stuck with it.
Second drive (1.5 hours): More alert. Less pain. Toward the end, many sensations of wonder, fascination, awe, curiousity, amazement, etc.

1/15/12
Sit: 60 minutes '“ evening
Practice: Noting outloud at about one per second for entire hour non-stop
Phenomena: First twenty minutes, noting joy, wonder, delight, tingling, itching, hearing, etc. Mind was wandering while noting. Then, I started to get more pain, and aversion. Pain got stronger, lots of aversion, doubt, and then lots of sleepiness. Last twenty minutes were very very sleepy, and aversion. Last ten minutes, so much pain, that I got into lying down position, then less pain. Tingling, hearing, different thoughts, moods, etc.

Nighttime:
Woke up in the middle of night and couldn't fall back to sleep. Spent a couple hours noting outloud. Severe pain, sharp pain. And more pain. Suffering, anger, frustration. Etc.

1/16/12
Sit: 60 minutes '“ morning
Phenomena: Severe pain throughout sit, about 70% of notes were 'pain.' Lots of aversion before sitting on the cushion. Then waves of aversion, restlessness. Waves of anger, fury, resentment. Waves of sorrow, sadness, pity. Etc. Worry, anxiety and stress, with some future thoughts, planning, etc. Some craving, some memories, some images, etc. Lots of body sensations: tingling, cold, warmth, itching, hearing (as usual). Shifted postures quite often throughout sit. Very difficult and painful to sit still or remain in meditation.
Practice: Noting outloud at about one per second for entire hour non-stop. Noting whatever sensations I was aware of, and also noticing whatever else I could notice.

Daily Life:
After the morning sit, I had a lot to do, and was feeling very darknightish, so I decided to just drop the practice somewhat, relax, be happy and get stuff done. Some mindfulness was interspersed at times. But, I was able to get stuff done with little bleedthrough.

1/17/12
Sit: 60 minutes '“ morning
Phenomena: I mindlessly set the timer and sat on the cushion and it took maybe about 3 minutes before I even realized that I was supposed to be meditating. Then, I noticed lots of thoughts (planning, analysis, arguing, discussing, fantasies), and the usual body sensations (tingles, itching, cold, warmth). And, anticipation, lots of tension and tightness. Then, stress, worry, aversion, and more tension, tightening and contracting. I had some waves of relaxation, and at one point, a wave of pleasure. At one point, I had two very strong contractions centered around the solar plexus, very tight and unpleasant, followed by quite a bit of surprise, wonder, alertness, confusion, etc. Quite a few times, the mind would just wander off, and I wasn't noting for a bit, but sitting still and rather comfortable. Then, I would start noting, and would start to fidget and shift postures, lots of discomfort, and pain and tension and stress, and restlessness, and anxiety, and frustration. This continued, with intermittent noting and fidgeting. With 15 minutes left, I decided to get up and start walking, which helped with concentration. I noted the cold of my feet, seeing, hearing, itches on my face, and thoughts, planning, aversion, fantasies, etc.
Practice: Once I realized I was supposed to be meditating, I started noting outloud. This continued intermittently for 45 minutes, without continuity. The last15 minutes were all outloud noting while walking, at a rate slightly faster than one per second, like maybe 3 notes per 2 seconds.
Evaluation: It was useful to notice that noting wasn't continuous, and to be aware of what the goal was (continuity).
Map: Dark night?

1/18/12
Sit/walk: 60 minutes '“ morning
Phenomena: Started with usual body sensations: tingles, itches, coolness, warmth, hearing. Different thoughts, and emotions came and went. At a half hour, I felt a little bit of pain in my knees and lots of thoughts came about whether to walk or to stay sitting. Debating thoughts, analysis, commentary. I stood up and walked for about three minutes. While walking, very scattered, lots of thoughts, commentary, analysis, debate, confusion, difficulty focusing. I sat back down. More of similar thoughts, and body sensations. Some psychologizing. After a few minutes I got up to put some more wood on the fire because I was cold. Sat back down on cushion. More of similar thoughts, and body sensations. Also lots of doubt, confusion. Some thing that was like a sorta ordinariness or routine-ness mixed with the doubt. Some insights and enthusiasm at about the 50 minute mark.
Practice: Trying to note throughout. Noting was consistent for first 20-30 minutes or so, then intermittent with gaps of psychologizing, analysis, and different thought loops. Often returning again and again to note the phenomena that were arising.

1/18/12
Sit/walk: 60 minutes '“ evening
Phenomena: Noted a bunch of stuff for about ten to twenty minutes then fell asleep on the cushion for about ten minutes and couldn't remember what happened before that. Then, noting body sensations, haziness, mind wandering. Tired, and fidgety. Awareness & concentration was not strong. Lots of insights after the sit, but didn't notice much during the sit.
Practice: Trying to note, and also trying to just notice what was going on as best I could.

1/19/12
Sit/walk: 2 hours '“ evening
Phenomena: mostly lots of body sensations. Planning thoughts, remembering thoughts, lots of memories of the day, aniticipation, worry, some calm and happiness at times. The two hours passed very quickly.
Practice: Noting outloud, mostly at a rate slightly faster than one per second, but the rate changed some throughout. The noting was constant from start to finish, but the mind would wander, while noting of body sensations would continue on autopilot, then the thought train would be noticed and noted, and the reaction to the thought train being noticed (frustration, sadness, doubt, evaluation, criticism, confusion, investigation, wondering, surprise, etc) would be noted, and then there would be more presence, which would be noted, and then this pattern would repeat. I walked 10 minutes, sat 15 minutes and then repeated this throughout the entire two hours.

1/20/12 (My power was out, so I couldn't type up these notes until the next day. Hence, the shortage of details.)
Sit/walk: 1 hours '“ evening
Phenomena: Sleepiness, pain, exhaustion. Other stuff.
Practice: Noting, and trying to notice what was happening as best I could. Sitting for first 35 minutes, then walking for the rest of the period. Very difficult to walk, sit, or stand. Lying down for about 5 minutes near the end.

1/21/12
Sit: 1 hours '“ evening
Phenomena: First ten minutes were body sensations, tingling, some itching, coolness, etc. and thoughts mostly memories from last couple of days, and thoughts about meditation, anticipation, planning, analysis, etc. Then, sleepiness, and losing concentration, gaps in awareness getting stronger and longer. Then, I fell asleep probably for 5 or 10 minutes. At the end, I shifted into a posture which was a bit painful, but kept me alert for the last couple of minutes. Tingling, etc.
Practice: Noting pretty consistently with gaps of sleepiness and sleep.

1/22/12
Sit/walk: 1 hours '“ evening
Phenomena: Thoughts. Sleepiness. Tingling, hearing, itching, pain, coldness, warmth.
Practice: Using the 'hand on water don't make a ripple' technique, and noting gently at times. Despite mostly being very sleepy, there seemed to be a lot of progress and insights.

1/23/12
Sit/recline/walk: 1 hours '“ morning
Phenomena: Thoughts. Pain, aversion. Irritation, struggle, suffering. Lots of rambling thoughts, planning, analysis, debating. Tension and pain mostly in arms, chest, back, stomach, shoulders, neck, face. Jumpy mind. Confusion, stuff, jumble.
Practice: Noticing and noting whatever I can, as often as possible.

1/22/12
Sit: 1 hours '“ morning
Phenomena: Started with hazy doubt sort of thing, with some restlessness, and a general sense of calm. Relaxation and building concentration for a while. Then, around 30 minutes, some very strong resistance. Very strong desire to be doing anything but meditating. Craving, aversion, etc. Waves of contractions of craving/aversion, tension, thought patterns of desire, and restlessness, etc. Shifted postures a number of times, resolved to sit for entire hour. Doubt, restlessness. A little bit of sleepiness toward the end. With moments of concentrating again on the breath. The hour passed very 'quickly' in my mind. Very few gaps of awareness lasting more than a few thoughts or so.
Practice: Mindfulness of breathing. Kept coming back to the breath. A little bit of noting here and there, but trying to just be aware of the breath with as much awareness as possible.
Self-evaluation: Overall, it seemed like a good sit because I was able to stay with the practice, and keep going despite the difficulties. Still, I wonder if there is some way to improve the quality of practice.

"Despite mostly being very sleepy, there seemed to be a lot of progress and insights.
"

Hi Daniel,

Can you elaborate what you feel when you say there seemed to be lots of progress and insights?

"Hi Daniel,

Can you elaborate what you feel when you say there seemed to be lots of progress and insights?"

Hey Yadid,
Thanks for the question; it's nice to have someone else's comments in here other than just mine.

When I say there seems to be lots of progress and insights, this is what I mean:
Phenomena which were previously not known clearly, are then seen clearly. They are seen as sensations (with the three characteristics).
For example, there is a train of thoughts, or a mindstate which everytime it comes, it seems "true" or "real"... and it takes on a reality, such that the process of reacting to it continues. Then, one day, in meditation, it may arise but this time it is simply seen as sensations, causal, transient, not me, not satisfying, and it doesn't hold that reality that it did before.

So far, I measure progress in terms of
1) my skill in practicing the technique
2) Increase in the phenomena which are penetrated, or seen through, or seen clearly (or conversely, the lessening of delusion)
I would define insights as:
Seeing phenomena as they are

As for your question of what I "feel" when these things occur, I guess usually there is a feeling of happiness, or gratitude, often surprise, shock, or awe as well. I'm not sure if that answers your question.

ONE DAY RETREAT
Here are my notes for a one day self-retreat. Due to a lot of confusion, it is difficult to say exactly what I was practicing or if I was practicing it, or if I was practicing well. But, I think my practice was more or less to notice what was happening from moment to moment and to notice the sensations that make up the present moment experience. There was also noting fairly often throughout the retreat, occurring at different rates, and sometimes out-loud, sometimes only mental noting.

Going into the retreat, I was aware that I was in one of those phases of practice where the sensations arising are such that it seems I have no idea what is going on, what to do, or how to do it. As this has happened to me many times, now, on other retreats, I was able to recognize that this is simply an impermanent phase which will eventually pass. Nonetheless, suffering was high, and practice may or may not have been useful. I think, overall, I practiced as best I possibly could. I also think I made a lot of progress, and learned a few things in the experience. However, with all the confusion, I could be wrong about any of the statements made in this post. I guess I would call it my 'best guess' of a retreat report.

6:30 PM Start
Sit '“ 35 minutes
Jumpy, scattered, thinking a lot
7:15 PM '“ Sleep
In the middle of the night, woke up with nightmares. Sat awake for a couple hours and noted, pain aversion, restless. Very strong and severe pain in body. Confusion.
8:00AM '“ woke up
Sit '“ 30 minutes
Strong memories with images, and emotions. Deep longing. Suffering. Restlessness, jumpy, scattered, pain. Confusion.
Breakfast/
Soak in bathtub
Lying in bed: noting, strong pain, depression, scattered, doubt, frustration, restlessness. Some fear and anxiety, some misery and sadness, some disgust. Struggling, effort. Suffering. Lethargic, fatigue, difficult to move or get out of bed. Confusion, confusion.
11:00-1:00
sleep for about two hours
1:00PM
Pain, dullness, frustration, exhaustion, fatigue. Struggling. Confusion. Sadness.
Lie down '“ 1 hour
scattered, thinking, pain, memories, longing.
Sit '“ 8 minutes
mind wandering for a couple minutes, then strong pain, suffering, restlessness, confusion, pain. Fatigue, exhaustion. Suffering.
Lie down -
Severe suffering, despair, analysis, frustration, confusion, hopelessness
3:00PM
Lunch
lying in bed: Pain, suffering, confusion, surrender, exhaustion, restlessness
Fruit smoothie
5:00PM
Sit- 20 minutes
thinking, confusion, analysis, suffering, frustration, pain, sadness, effort, struggle, calm, relaxing,
Soak in bathtub
Confusion, stuff, thinking.
6:00PM
lying in bed:
pain, etc.
7:00PM
Sleep

11:30PM
Wake up, lying in bed:
Insights,rapid and precise noting, with lots of thoughts and distractions. Pain, discomfort, thoughts, confusion, etc.
As hours progressed, more suffering, more confusion, severe pain, restlessness, fear, anxiety, stress.
5:00AM
Back to sleep
7:00AM
Wake up again, lying in bed:
Stress, anxiety, confusion
8:00AM
Final Sit '“ 1 hour
Thinking, confusion. Pain, restlessness. Etc.

This sounds really difficult and painful, Daniel. Have you ever tried Mahamudra noting? Kenneth has some talks about it on his kennethfolkdharma.com page. Or maybe someone else on this forum could send you a message explaining it better than I could.

I don't know what Mahamudra noting is. Is that something new that Kenneth is teaching. I did a series of phone calls with Kenneth last spring and learned his noting outloud - four foundations technique. I tried to look for this mahamudra noting, and found a video, but scanning through the video, I didn't yet find the part where he explains what mahamudra is. Perhaps I'll have to download the vid and watch it at home later.

At any rate, yes, it's difficult and painful. I've tried a lot of things.

I'm not sure if there's a good summary of Mahamudra Noting here on the wetpaint site. But here's the Buddhist Geeks article which may help:

www.buddhistgeeks.com/2011/07/mahamudra-noting/

What is the pain you feel in so much of your reports? Is your body sore from your job or exercise you do? Are you not comfortable in the sitting position (or laying down)? Pain seems to be a rather ongoing dominant note in your journals, and it's useful to try to find ways to make your body more comfortable if it hurts that much, such as by changing to a different posture, taking some aspirin, seeing a doctor about the causes, etc.

Confusion can be something to let go of, too. My own teacher once pointed out that confusion is resistance to experience. What's there to be confused about if you simply note whatever sensations happen to arise? There's itching or there's not. There's a sound or there isn't. There's breathing in and out. There's twitching or pressure or whatever, or there isn't. If you are "confused" about something, is it because you are trying to interpret experience or figure out something about what you are noting?

1/25/12
Sit: 1 hour '“ evening
Phenomena: Started with flickering and pulsing around eyes, pains in head and moving through body. Tingles, and itches throughout body. Noting was quick and precise with thoughts, mind states, and body. Analysis thoughts, etc. Then, confusion, stuckness. Mind began to wander. Strong itch came on nose, very excruciating. For a few minutes I just noted the itch, and noticed the equanimity to the pain, and calm. Then, I scratched it. Mind wandered again. Tingling and itching and pain throughout body continued as before. Pressure in head and around eyes. About half way, strong restlessness, aversion, pain, suffering, confusion. Noting was strong and precise with the phenomena as they arise. Shifted postures a number of times. Aversion, anticipation, speculation, desire. Mind wandering. More pain. More confusion. More thinking.

1/25612
Sit: 1 hour '“ morning
Phenomena: Started very calm, relaxed, pleasant. Focusing attention on sensations of breath. Tingling, pressure. Some small pains and tensions through head, chest, arms, legs, hips. About ten minutes with breath and then mind wandered. Then, back to breath. After about thiry minutes, mind wandered, became disinterested in breath. Switched to noting. Planning, stress, anxiety. Disinterest, dullness, confusion. Scattered. Some pain. Tingling across body throughout. More confusion. Jumpiness.

I wish I knew what the pain is that I feel so much in my reports. I've written quite a few posts about it on the DhO, by now. It may be partially from soreness, perhaps from sitting while driving everyday. Sometimes from exercise, but when I don't exercise, still pain. I can't pin point any reason. i've considered a doctor, but no health insurance, and not much faith that a doctor will have any idea except maybe they will suggest to take aspirin. I've never really been into medication, so I don't take pain killers, and not really wanting to. I've done so in the past when I had an obvious injury, but don't like the idea of taking it everyday. I'm not sure what more to do about posture, than lying in bed and taking bubble baths.

As for the pain itself, it's always moving around, sorta throbbing or pulsing, sometimes sharp, sometimes biting, sometimes aching. Very different. It's never solid, or staying put. Often, it goes away when I sit addithana (Goenka style, not moving, in a sitting posture)... sometimes this leads to a significant lessening of pain, but then later it may come back when I shift postures, or lie down. I can't find a rhyme or reason to it, personally.

"Confusion can be something to let go of, too. My own teacher once pointed out that confusion is resistance to experience. What's there to be confused about if you simply note whatever sensations happen to arise? There's itching or there's not. There's a sound or there isn't. There's breathing in and out. There's twitching or pressure or whatever, or there isn't. If you are "confused" about something, is it because you are trying to interpret experience or figure out something about what you are noting?"

I'm not sure what that means to let go of confusion. Ok, I'll let go, but it's still there. Resistance to experience sounds somewhat fitting. I have no idea what there is to be confused about, I find that very confusing as well. Oh, but if it were so simple that there were either itching or not itching, sound or not sound... but sometimes it just seems as though there may be itching or not itching, or maybe neither or maybe not any of the above, or maybe it's all just confusion? Yes, I think there is some trying to figure something out, like I'm trying to figure out whether there is itching or not itching, or how to notice if there is itching or not.
Kenneth told me to note "confusion," although honestly, I don't really know if I'm confused or not.

I mean, I'd guess that all of the above just looks like some crazy rambling. That's just me trying to put it into words and explain to you. I don't think about it that much normally, I just try to carry on with noticing the sensations of the experience.

So, yeah... resistance to experience, trying, figuring out. that usually comes with confusion too. I just try to note it all as best I can, and try not to get too caught up in it. Is there some other suggestion?