Tales from the Zafu - Seraching for Stream

I recently did Part 2 of the three month course at IMS from 10/22 - 12/3. I believe I got Stream Entry on day 31, and will post some of my experiences. I look forward to your views on what happened.

I noted during all waking hours for the first 11 days, and was sitting around 7 hours a day with alternating walking periods.

On day 11 I entered into equanimity after working with letting things be as they are. From a journal I kept: "Sat for 3 hours, After first hour entered the clam state I have been getting into after an hour of sitting. Then ten minutes later I noticed i had no pain - it had all gone - and I was in a very equanimous state. Mind was very even and quite - as if it was almost not there. Thoughts very spaced out, 20 - 30 seconds sometimes and all wispy - I watch them float by. Emotions seem muted - I know they are there and just don't experience their effect, or not very much if i Do. easy to maintain awareness of body and breath - noting only helps a little. Only get lost in thought a few times and very briefly."

After this I seem to have a new baseline of equanimity that deepens throughout the day. Most nights I seem to be very very concentrated where I just am. Very very little thoughts, almost to the point it is boring, there just seems to be not a whole lot going on. It's like I build up to this state of being thru the day, and then later at night its simple to just maintain it, I would usually stay up an hour or two and do walking and sitting. Then when I would wake in the morning the "being state" was gone and I would have to "work up" towards it again thru the day, deepening the equanimity.

After day 11 I stopped noting full time and would sometimes just sit in awareness, and note when I thought it useful.

(cont.)

Day 30 in a sit before dinner: "Watched the doing part of me fade and realized there is a sense of once duality and only unity or rather singularity. Its the same as before; calm, concentrated, little thinking, easy awareness." This lasted all night, and for the first time on the retreat the experience carried thru sleep and I awoke in this "being state"

Day 31 - from my journal: "Guided meditation on the aggregates by a teacher. After she stops I sit just being aware. Conscincous seems to skip a moment - as if for just a flash everything was void. "huh" I thought, I noticed I felt very slightly different, lighter. After sit went outside in an easy giddy mood. Thinking it might be stream entry but not caring. Short after had an interview with a teacher but don't mention what just happened. After I am aware of myself much more and feel calm, present and have a different view of the teacher. going back outside I cant stop smiling and giggling. "What if that was it? that was nothing! All this time Ive been trying and worrying for that!" It was so amusing I went into the woods and laughed and laughed. Then I settled a bit and was in a profound state of amazement. Breathing! Tress! Air! I had to to touch things and bet I looked very much as if I were tripping. This faded after five minutes and I took a long walk in the woods. Now I am very calm. See clearly there is noting to do, nowhere to go. Just be here now, this is it, it is what it is. Not a care in the world, just present."

I felt as if something had been accomplished, and defiantly felt changed. My head was very "buzzy" for the rest of the day. And whenever I walked it seemed the world was bouncy and less solid, this lasted until the end of the retreat and I got on my plane home.

(cont.)

After this I still felt very equanimity but something was different. Before I was effortlessly feeling body sensations all over the body, and very subtle ones. At this point after the gap and for the rest of the retreat all the sensations were very gross. After time I started to feel more subtle ones, but nothing like before. It felt very similar to my experience pre A&P. Gross sensations only then once more concentrated vibrations would arise in my hands and stay until I ended a sit.

For the next 11 days I just sat and walked in easy awareness. The wanting for Stream Entry, or something bigger to happen was gone, and my experience was easy and effortless.

After arriving home whenever I would sit I was instantly concentrated and felt I was getting deep into my meditation. After about a week or two I meditated less and less, and recently have only been doing 30 minutes every few days. But I still maintain a lot of awareness in daily life.

The only thing that doesn't add up to what I have read about Stream Entry is that I only experienced the one gap or fruition. I don't seem able to make them happen either.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it this far and I would really appreciate input or thoughts.

" The wanting for Stream Entry, or something bigger to happen was gone, "

Hello,

This seems significant to me, mostly because it matches my own experience, but I'm not an expert. What has your experience been like since returning from retreat? Thanks for the reports.

Bill

Nice work! Nothing like a long retreat for progress. Do you notice that you have access to eight jhanas?

This all matches up with my experience of a new path attainment, especially the disappearance of the wanting for something to happen.

Thank you all for the responses!

I forgot to include something: Right after I had my gap I felt as if a weight had been lifted from me, as if I let go of a piece of myself that I was unaware I could lose. It was a huge relief and very refreshing. That feeling faded over time, I think I was just getting used to that part being gone.

My experience coming off retreat has been difficult. Adjusting took about two weeks before I felt really returned and settled back into my life. For the last 2 or 3 weeks I had been feeling very depressed and down at times. Sometimes I felt a great anger inside of me, and at others I just wanted to cry - all over nothing, the feelings would just arise and eventually fade. I am sure some of this is due to my lack of meditating recently. Yesterday when I was experiencing this depression I remembered what I had worked with on the retreat: letting go. So thru-out the day I started to let go and just be aware of the experience as it arose. This really seemed to help, the more I let go the better I felt. Right now it kind of feels like I was in some Dark Night territory and now I feel more in the very early stages of equanimity - but this all speculation.

I just did a 30m sit, the first in some time. I was able to easily dwell as the witness, and worked with letting go and just observing. I felt some subtle sensations all over the body, and stronger vibrations / tingling arose in hands and stayed after 10 minutes. Around 15 minutes I seemed to let go a little bit more and felt pleasurable sensations all over, and just felt really good as I was - this lasted a few minutes before fading and I found myself in a pleasant concentrated state where I just watched sensations arise and pass.

In response to rocketbuddha I don't have clear indication that I have access to the jhanas. I speculate that I have experienced the first 4, but none after that. I also don't seem to able to enter them at will.

I realized I had the first four when I happened to be looking at a light kasina and I saw four distinct shifts in my visual field. These changes were described in Daniel Ingrams book (for example 2nd Jhana the object shifts around, up/down and left/right). Realizing I had four the next four were easy to detect as mental shifts, also the descriptions are spot on. Once you get path you have access to all eight.

"
My experience coming off retreat has been difficult. Adjusting took about two weeks before I felt really returned and settled back into my life. For the last 2 or 3 weeks I had been feeling very depressed and down at times. Sometimes I felt a great anger inside of me, and at others I just wanted to cry - all over nothing, the feelings would just arise and eventually fade. I am sure some of this is due to my lack of meditating recently. Yesterday when I was experiencing this depression I remembered what I had worked with on the retreat: letting go. So thru-out the day I started to let go and just be aware of the experience as it arose. This really seemed to help, the more I let go the better I felt. Right now it kind of feels like I was in some Dark Night territory and now I feel more in the very early stages of equanimity - but this all speculation.

"

Yeah, it could be 1st path DN, or review cycles. The more you notice what's going on the more apparent it will become.

Bill

This post is an update, mostly looking for advice.

After getting back from my six week retreat I had intentions to continue to sit daily for at least two hours. I don't think I made it more than a day, but quickly fell back into old habits (including video games, Movies, nothing in moderation and looking for a distraction)

Over the past year I have meditated rarely, and fallen into a dark place. I worked on the road this summer and ended up drinking quite a bit and occasionally using soft drugs, going weeks or months without meditating. This obviously has had a negative effect on my mental state and my life.

I still have a strong desire to awaken, to understand, to see clearly, but find it so much easier to indulge in distractions.

I am signed up again for the six week retreat at IMS, but am considering if I should go or not. I tend to do very well on retreats, sitting becomes easy and I use my time well, but coming off is the opposite and I fall into old habbits not applying what I have learned. I am quickly becoming a retreat junkie.

I guess I am looking for input on a few things including:

How best to prepare for my retreat - I leave in 13 days. Obviously start meditating again, which I plan to after I post this.

How to continue my practice after retreat? I have a teacher and plan on setting up weekly meetings in an effort to keep myself accountable.

20 minute sit - Seemed much longer. Feeling whole body and sensations arising I note every second or two. Coolness, sharpness, hearing... In the first few minuets feel a wave of calm come over me. Pleasant sensation in head, spacious. Calmness fades, monkey mind arises. Thoughts arise and start to pull me away, I bring myself back to feeling sensations. Again and again.

Nervousness arises in chest. Shift focus and note: Emptiness, lightness... the sensation is there, I cannot find a "me" who is feeling it, only observing the sensation. Back to body. Monkey Mind. Pain in Knees, shift focus and note: Sharpness, Tightness, Discomfort. There is no one feeling the pain, only sensations arising which are associated with pain.

Feel some sense of "me" in the middle of my head. Shift focus but cannot pinpoint a self. Feel somewhat "selfly" in the observer. Become calm and aware, sensations arise and pass, sometimes if the sensation is paralytically strong I shift focus to investigate then shift back to full awareness.

After the sit previous anxiety is mostly gone. Feel much better and focused on what needs to be done.