Tommy's Journal - Season 2

Thanks Kenneth, that's some wonderful encouragement!

Sat for an hour last night and followed the same routine with kasina practice moving into vipassana, although the speed at which noting could be done was noticeably slower and more organic with a very natural flow. I've been avoiding trying to identify stages too much while sitting lately, which has actually made the subtleties and transitions between ñanas clearer and provided a deeper experience overall. The only major issue was that, due to my back being incredibly painful, I had to change to laying down after about 40 mins which was a bit inconvenient and felt too inactive.

Throughout the day I had some pretty deep insights showing themselves very naturally and without effort, almost like reality itself was rushing in to say "Here, let me show you how this works". It was my day off from work so I sat outside in the sun for the majority of the day (awesome weather in Scotland for the last few days) and noticed that meditation outdoors, even just sitting being openly aware, has got a much different feel to it and seems more alive, rewarding and immediate.

I've been looking at meditative techniques from other traditions, particularly the Hatha, Raja and Kriya yoga stuff I've worked with in the past, observing the parallels and differences between these and Buddhist techniques, which has been interesting and informative. I'm going to explore how the results between the two differ at some point in the future, as my previous experiences (about three years solid of daily yogic practices such as tratak, dharana, dhyana and others) of these methods brought me to "hard" concentration states, although some things, such as cycling 'round the marmasthanani points and doing yoga nidra, contain elements similar to insight (the latter seems more in line with Vajrayana visualizations) and were responsible for some of the more..

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...intense A&P's experienced in the past.

The plan for tonight is to do an hour of seated practice, work more on noting and on enterting jhanas at will. Reports will follow....

Did half an hour tonight with interesting results. I started focusing on noting in the hour or so prior to sitting, staying mindful while going about my business and constantly bringing myself back to the moment. Realized I was riding the jhanic arc while in the shower with the shift into 1st ñana, the process seemed quite slow compared to the 11 minute mindblast I mentioned in an earlier post which allowed for a bit more exploration.

Sat down and immediately felt a surge of energy up the spine which stopped at the base of the skull creating an unpleasant pressure, a widening of this firm but dynamic warmth, which became very cool as the pressure increased, spread up and around the head and sent similar sensation back down the spine. Noted discomfort, pain, uneasiness and a sharp, chaotic visual noise behind the eyelids as tension in the back and shoulder passed through too, noted a physical component of anger as a blunt, hot pain near the right side of the coccyx each time I called up "anger" to examine it.

Quickly shifted into Equanimity and noted anything still being identified, observed the 3C's clearly and saw something interesting about this whole "I" thing. "It's" whatever is in awareness at that moment in time, and at the same time everything in awareness is "it" and all of these things, the ones we sit and watch, dissect and scrutinize in practice, arise, remain for an instant, and pass back into the same moment they came from. Turned the attention (also noted) towards what's there between "that side" of this screen and "this side" and got a flash like a blank mirror and then cessation, next thing noticed was that I felt like there were fingers pulling my face into a Buddha-style grin as I sat there quietly, blissfully awake to the moment. The knot unraveled, I suppose you could say although that sounds a bit over the top and final....

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...when, if I'm being realistic and maintaining my usual skepticism, it's only just happened and could very well just have been A.N. Other meditation experience so I remain dubious of making any statements outright. These things have a habit of biting you in the arse when you turn your back on them! Ha!

What's interesting right now is observing things happening as they happen with no sense of being involved in it, although I'm still sitting here writing and still considering which words to type. It's a change, whatever it is, but I'll be damned if I could tell you what's different and I could also be scripting myself into something so, as I've said, don't take this too seriously as I'm writing from a post-Fruition bliss and may be prone to hyperbole and rambling. More so, anyway. Ha!

I'm finishing up the next video from the retreat but it's 20 mins + so it takes all night to mix down the post-production and do the audio although it should be up by tomorrow night.

Metta, mudita, a piece n' jam (removed the reference to Andy as I think I was directing it an entirely the wrong person. Ha!)
- Tommy

Edited: For spelling and righteous justice.

While editing this other retreat video I noticed that I mentioned a similar change to the one I posted about last night, although the main difference I'm seeing today though is a huge increase in compassion for everything, and a certain low-key joy which feels very deep within the body. Internally it's all very quiet and peaceful, it's going to take a while to understand what's happening here but there doesn't appear to be any reason to go looking for anything as I'm quite content with this as it is. The one thing I can be certain about here is that there's no longer a sense of there being a "do-er" behind these actions, it's just a natural flow of movement and sensations although everything else is there on request if it's needed. If that makes any sense.

Then again, there's always the chance that I'm trying to solidify this bundle of sensations, or that this is all just more "I" trying to find somewhere to stand. I'll sit tonight and report back later to see if there's any major difference, but I remain open to the possibility of having my head firmly implanted in my fundament. Onwards and onwards!! Ha!

Much love,
Tommy

A strange update....I just spoke to the boss of the office I work in, she had an "A to Zen" poster up in her office which got us into an interesting conversation about meditation and positive thinking. To cut a long story short, she's asked me if I'd be interested in starting up a meditation class and teaching in work as part of my job!

It may very well end up not happening but it's a nice thought and I thought it was worth adding to the journal, if only for an excuse to laugh at it in weeks to come.....

Sat for 30 mins tonight again, straight into vipassana which started with visual flickering in thick, blurred lines of light and warmth circulating the entire body. Unable to note as normal because applying directed attention to sensation made it collapse into the perceptual field leading into Fruition, (I'm not very good at identifying which type of Fruition is which to be honest so I'll describe the phenomena and you can see what you'd call it) there were just tiny "mind winks" which flickered at the crown, none of the "impact" I'd associate with another type of Fruition, just a soft blinking in and out of consciousness in rapid fire bursts. This is just how I'd describe it so please correct me if I'm misidentifying these things.

Switched to being with the body and felt the edges of it begin to fade out as 5th jhana appeared, sensation was all above the ears at that point as the absorption deepened, darkening the visual field and expanding outwards before an abrupt shift into 6th. Tried to note while in the Witness but observed objects dissolving again and moved attention to the sense of nothingness in the mental field, noticed flickering images like a old reel to reel film and then, while fully aware, complete sensory cessations, tiny breaks in a random flickering patterns with only no-thingness between the breaks is about as close as I can get to describing being in 8th. The sense of body returned and felt like breezeblock, firm but light enough to be moved without effort, and this same deep, joy-soaked, appreciative breaths of heavenly air as mentioned before.

My alarm went off at this point and I stayed with the breath, slowly coming down to baseline and smiling at the pains in my feet which, due to the level of relaxation experienced, had been pushed hard against the floor by my legs as they sank downwards. Oh the joys of meditation.....Ha!

Metta,
- Tommy

Didn't sit last night but did some samatha earlier in the day and appear to have blanked out and/or fallen asleep so I wrote it off. There had been a moment earlier in the day in work at around 7am when there was a peculiar sense of everything having changed, there was a shifting, very quick Fruition but when I tried to recall anything about it there was nothing to remember. I looked up from my desk at everyone, there was a subtle glow around everything and some people had a stronger "aura" (apologies for the hippy-dippy language) than others but, as has been the case lately, I couldn't tell what was actually different.

On the other hand, today I woke up feeling like I'd never meditated a day in my life! Not that I was grumpy or angry, just that my experience of the world felt weirdly normal and pre-Path, pre-insight, pre-anything of a remotely illuminating nature. Thinking about anything mystical felt silly, thinking that sitting down focusing on the breath could ever lead to this ridiculous "enlightenment" thing sounded delusional, it was very strange.

Had a lot of thoughts tonight about being perceived as insane, like my rambings over the previous days sound like a madman convincing himself that his fantasy is real. Noticing that this is all just mental phenomena cuts through it but I'm still curious as to why this happened and what it's indicative of, if anything at all.

Began working with the "Mu" koan today.

Woke up today with less of the pre-Path vibe from yesterday but things still feel quite different in this paradoxically undifferent way. I've given up struggling to describe it or make any rational sense of it because it's not beneficial and is just wasting energy better applied to learning more about awakening. The plan is to sit tonight and continue working with this koan, reports will follow.

Sat for 30 mins outside tonight doing vipassana and moving into shikantaza (or at least that's what I think it is, basically I'm just sitting being openly aware and allowing momentary sensation to flit across awareness without actually naming or labeling anything). I'm trying to think of anything noteworthy about the entire sitting as I can't help but feel that there's no difference between sitting and going about daily life any more, noting is just something that happens when I incline my mind towards it but doesn't feel necessary. I'm not comfortable mentioning the words "off the ride" as I know that there are many experiences which can mislead us and give the impression that Paths have been attained or some state has been reached etc. I remain playfully agnostic. Ha!

While working with the "Mu" koan it's been interesting to watch the thinking mind trying to figure something out, running itself in circles. The mind becomes very elastic and soft while holding the koan, absorbing it and rolling it over gently with an intuitive understanding that I can't "think" this one out. Interesting indeed.

These desktop updates have become something of a practice in themselves as they're allowing me to indulge in controlled speculation while in work, which means that I can't get caught up in thoughts and spiral off into fantasy as I need to be able to come back to the moment to do my job. You ever tried dealing with an angry newsagent when you're preoccupied with the fundamentals of reality?!

I've noticed that the way I communicate on the DhO is very different to the way I communicate on here where I tend to be a bit more reserved and less direct. I think I can come across as a bit of a smart arse sometimes on there. The reason I mention this is because being aware of it has brought some light to the shadows of this personality, especially my tendency to write in such a way that I may sound more intelligent than I actually am. Which I'm not. Ha!

In general, I think that the whole process of keeping a record when engaged in this sort of 'self-work' is a useful excercise and can play an important part as a feedback device by itself. This is something which is encouraged in many other traditions and I think we can all vouch for the uses it can have, from clarifying terminology to refining techniques to just surrendering to the moment as it is and being able to bring the information back to illuminate the Path for others, these simple notes can be like the joints in the scaffold of learning. On the other hand though, keeping a journal can be a pain the in the arse if we think we need to religiously complete it every day, which isn't helpful in my experience, so I prefer a more relaxed approach.to this immensely useful practice.

Anyhow, back to business.....

Sat for 30 mins inside tonight, I'm getting more indication of what's different when I "do" vipassana now and it seems that it's a complete lack of distinction between self and other which gives vipassana a different feel. Paying attention just makes more sense right now which is what I did after a few minutes, no point labeling objects when they just pass by without incident. Noticed a major build-up of heat within the solar-plexus, the sense of this "energy centre" being out of alignment was observed and corrected by moving the sensations back into the centre of the body through visualization.

Awareness of "energy" throughout the body has become really obvious, something which I didn't really pay much attention to other than during stages of major energetic activity such as the A&P. I don't know enough about it yet to describe it without it sounding like contrived metaphysical ramblings, which would be even worse than the faux-mystical ramblings I engage in now....Ha!

Shabby reporting, I know. Apologies for that.

30 mins - Candle kasina & vipassana.

A straightforward sitting, moved through the jhanic arc to the (possibly) 2nd or 3rd PL jhana and back down fairly quickly. Very clear experience through the arupa jhanas with emphasis on 5th into 6th, like a stepping back out of space and behind the experience, but moving inwards, or maybe deepening is more accurate, at the same time. Played with flipping through the jhanas quickly without the kasina and got some deep, slow energetic activity (tingling, dynamic pulsation) at the crown and, to a lesser extent, at the 3rd eye area. The spaciousness of the state felt like 4th, still embodied, but deeply restful and calm in a more subtle way.

Did some noting which quickly became shikantaza. Without noting there's an incredible sense of observing arising and passing at will just by looking at something. This actually reminds me of something I noticed tonight which was quite lovely, I had been over voting at the polling station and was walking through the square towards the house when I got the unmistakable feeling of "waking up" and saw the world pulsate and flicker. The impermanence of objects was obvious to see as they blinked in and out in waves of subtle light as attention fell upon them, while broad strokes of flickering energies moved through the air and space was seen to be just as manifest as the slabs beneath my feet. This probably sounds more OTT than the experience itself so bear in mind that these are just words which I'd use to describe something experienced as nothing exceptional seeming, but beautiful nonetheless.

Nothing much else worth mentioning to be honest. I see now what Kenneth was talking about when he says that there comes a point when it's just a case of remembering, and knowing this and using the metaphor of turning towards emptiness continues to deepen my experience of reality and life just feels completely different.

Metta

Irritable, reactive, argumentative but strangely untroubled by it. This is unusual because before it was easy to SEE these things, but there was still identification WITH them. That seems to be gone completely. I'm guessing at being in 3rd ñana right now, the last few days haven't "felt" very A&P although reading back on my notes it's not entirely unlikely that this hasn't been the case, although there's no trace of any sort of major DN-style sensations. (Yet...) If I could choose one word to describe how these feelings are being experienced it would be "shallow". There's no depth to them, no weight or force although they can still trigger an emotional reaction.

This feeling of being done is still there, the sense of seeking something is definitely gone since realizing that it's been the very thing I was seeking in the first place. I know that's about the most trite, dull and predictable way of saying it but it's the most simple thing and seeing it has done a "Get Carter" and blown the bloody doors off! Again, skepticism arises as I even type these words but at the same time there's no feeling of having to actually do anything to make this go away 'cause it passes within a second anyway.

Paying attention again, I'm now getting hints of sadness, of slight anxiety and also noticing pains in the shoulder and neck, all of which I would generally associate with 3rd ñana. Watching the mind, I can observe it doing it's thing and as I type I've just watched those same negative sensations fluctuate, vanish, reappear and vanish. Now I think about it, I have no idea why I even started typing this thread anyway so I'll sign off for the moment and probably report back tonight after a sitting.

"This feeling of being done is still there, the sense of seeking something is definitely gone since realizing that it's been the very thing I was seeking in the first place. "

Heya Tommy.

I hope its ok to inquire a bit about your writings.

In your experience, how can the experience of 'being done' co-exist with anxiety, fear, negativity?

Hiya Yadid, I was actually going to correct what I'd written in my post from earlier because I've been thinking about how appropriate the word "done" actually is to how I feel right now. I think that by saying "done" it implies more than what is the case at present, it sounds very final when nothing could be further from the truth. Odds are that this is just a new perspective which seems novel and interesting, and that what's still to be "done" will become horribly clear soon enough. Ha!

So, to answer your question....Anxiety, fear, or negativity is nothing more than a cluster of sensation which we can only become conscious of after they've been and gone. In the moment as is it, these sensations only arise and pass in the field of awareness, it's the process of creating a separate self from this which causes the fundamental suffering because we are identifying ourselves with these sensations: I am unhappy, I am depressed, I am angry. So long as we're identifying with these things then we are what they are in that moment in time because the self is whatever appears in awareness in that moment.

If we can see that these sensations are not-self then there is nothing to identify with and so we do not suffer the same way as before. However, we're still within a human body with countless preconditioned responses to stimuli and these sensations don't stop dead as soon as there's no centre point. My current experience is that a negative mindstate arises, directing the attention to it grounds it and it passes away cleanly with no emotional residue, so something which may have coloured my mood for the rest of the day by sticking to this sense of an I is now allowed to say it's piece and leave. Acknowledge it and move on, basically. I don't know if that's answering the question properly but please inquire all you like!!

Sat for an hour in the garden tonight. This was one of the most peaceful sits I've ever experienced, I just sat openly aware of everything passing through awareness, gently paying attention to the sensations which drew away from being there in the moment. As I sat detaching the attention from anything it became fixed on in the visual field, feeling the rain falling on my skin and being deeply with the body there was a feeling of opening up from the chest and solar plexus which is hard to describe. Unity, gratitude and complete peace with sensations fluttering past like the birds in the sky, there were thoughts like "Why would you want to stop thinking? It's happening anyway but what's that got to do with you?" which brought a smile to my face. In that moment, I had a flash of realization which was followed by a very clear impression of a phrase: "This is what you wanted most your entire life." which was perceived as if it were sound, but nothing was heard other than the sounds around me happening.

I was deeply moved by this and sat in silence for a few minutes. Then laughed out loud. No idea what it was all about but it was all very lovely and nice.

Metta, Mudita & the ridiculous sound Jean Claude Van-Damme makes after he hits someone in every single film he's ever been in.
- Tommy

Happy, happy, joy, joy..oh....wait....this isn't fun....here's a boot in the balls and a side-order of DN for y'er troubles.

Yesterday was a thoroughly unpleasant day, a lot of reactivity, anger and impatience coupled with a complete inability to get focused on anything. Noticing a lot of 'drop-outs', poor attention, an inability to stay with the content of a sentence when someone was talking to me and some "desire to end it all" stuff. I sat in the garden alone for two hours, just being aware of everything arising and passing away without trying to "do" anything. The most frustrating this about feeling this way is that there's this sense of having totally deluded my"self", that all of this is just utter bunk and that there's no such thing as unconditional happiness. I know that all of that is just mind stuff, the ego is trying to find it's footing only to realize that there's nowhere for it to stand, when I examine these states it's clear that it's not "me" they're happening to but the previous ability to just acknowledge it and move on is harder to do when feeling like this. Incredibly confusing!

An entertaining sidenote is that I ended up getting into a fairly heated debate with a "new age" friend of mine, a lovely person but not burdened with rationality or healthy scepticism, regarding the validity of paths. This is someone who considers "candle magic" and angel cards to be "the path" and believes every practice leads to fundamental insight. Arguing that out while dealing with a gutful of rage was, in retrospect, quite hilarious, but very frustrating when it's clear that the majority of this "new age" stuff is a pile of complete sh*t and the so-called wisdom being discussed by these people is just nauseating pap.

Judgemental? You bet y'er ass.....Ha!

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Today feels more neutral, when negativity arises I'm holding and examining it gently rather than pushing it away as this seems to be a more effective, accepting way of understanding what's going on but there's still this unpleasantness if I'm not staying aware of what's happening. Beware the ego ambush!!

Other than that, the day is progressing on a more even keel overall with less disruption and irritation. Actually, I feel quite unreactive in general towards pretty much anything which has come up through the course of the day so far although I feel the need to sit tonight. I'm picking up the koan practice again which I lazily let slide over the week and continuing working with the jhanas.

Much love.

60 mins vipassana/open awareness (30 mins outside, 30 mins inside)

Interesting sit tonight, stuck with the noting and observed what's happening if I stay with it regardless of how "effective" it seems. This led to moving through the jhanic arc quite quickly with definite experiences of PL1 and 2 at least although there was definitely something else after this but it felt very new to me.

Movement through the earlier insights were quite satisfying and clear, A&P was a sexual bliss wave, Dark Night territory went by with minimal problems, noted some discomfort and painful, fast, jagged sensation on the skin for a few seconds, and Equanimity was...well, Equanimous and silent. First frution came on quickly from the left hand side, blink out and then a slow wave of bliss so I resolved to get another one as I've neglected going for fruitions lately, which occurred within a few seconds and felt very different to the previous one in that there was more of a sideways movement before the blink out.

A pleasant sit, a generally o.k. day and no reason to grumble.

Metta

40 mins (Outside)

Sat in the garden tonight, decided to stick with vipassana merging into samatha. The entire session was very deep, strong awareness of thick energetic movements within the body felt as a broad pulsation, like a breathing in and out of the entire sense-field (Neutral in tone) with clear perception of the mind wrapping itself around phenomena when the attention turned to mental activity. Moved from 1st ñana upwards with definable transitions and movements into each with emphasis on the 'mind moments' rather than physical sensation, for example the movement from 4th into 5th into 6th ñanas flashed in a quick sequence from highly sexual imagery into a dissolving image of my own life/identity (not "seen" in the visual sense) into a sort of mental spasm of fear which released when noted followed by thoughts that I was deluding myself and talking nonsense. That last point is a typical DN thought pattern which occurs for me but it's usually felt in a more bodily sense with a gut-wrenching sense of guilt and fear. The remainder of DN involved quite a lot of mental confusion, frustration, discomfort and feelings of being totally sick of meditation, but each was acknowledged and accepted which allowed them to pass quickly. I got that sense of enjoying the rawness of DN again tonight, I keep saying this but there's something beautiful in those stages which keeps you grounded in the moment.

Entered 11th ñana fairly quickly and shifted emphasis onto concentration, dropped any effort to "think" about where I was or which jhanas was which and just stayed with the sense-field. There was a state I entered into which I didn't recognize, it was just like a pure awareness with no object to it, kinda hard to describe but it was so still that it made 7th jhana seem busy! No idea.

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I also noticed that there was opportunity to take one sensation, for example the sound of a bird, and become absorbed into a non-dual state with it. I didn't used to be able to do this quite so quickly, I used to do it with the dharana technique but it was never such an instantaneous shift so that's been a pretty cool toy to play with! Distracting, obviously, but fun nonetheless.

I've fashioned a small kasina to use in work at my desk so I managed to get a fair bit of samatha practice in over the course of the day. Probably about two hours all in all, but done in fits and starts between calls until I had some paperwork to finish off and then I could devote 5-10 mins at a time. Did some experimenting with the Witness today also and noticed something different about it, it's more like the Witness feels as it stands side within the whole body instead of the sense of being behind it that I got before. It's also much, much more diffuse and spreads out beyond the body if attention is directed towards it.

I also did about 30 mins walking meditation using Kenneth's suggestion about the sense of expansion and contraction while walking to a friends house tonight. I also dabbled with direct mode while walking which I find a very satisfying, earthy experience which keeps the feet firmly on the ground, even if they don't belong to me!

Anyhow, keeping up practice and keeping on keepin' on.....

Metta & a cream slice to go with that cup of tea you're drinking.

I've spent the last seven days practicing solidly, working with the Witness, riding the jhanic arc, kasinas, using Mahamudra, examining various ñanas and jhanas at will. That sense of being done hasn't gone away, if anything this last week has given me more confidence that this is the case although I'm always open to being corrected, going back to square one and taking another run at it.

Today I did a 2.5 hour session divided into an hour of candle kasina practice, an hour of riding the jhanic arc, and half an hour of going through Dark Night ñana by ñana while trying to understand better ways of negotiating the territory which led to an intense but profound encounter with Re-Observation. The kasina practice culminated with the first three PL jhanas (assessment of the 3rd based on Kenneth and Nick's video, still unsure about 4 & 5) and a powerful fruition with a blissful wave of pure joy, the jhanic arc progressed similarly but there was more emphasis on examining the way the ñanas present mentally, the shape of the thoughts and where they 'detonate' physically.

I resolved to enter DN with the intention of understanding ways to navigate the territory, the movement into 5th ñana was pleasant and fluid with the coolness and fading out of the edge of the body I usually associate with this which was quickly followed by an abrupt shift into 6th ñana. From the initial passing encounter with fear, manifesting as a mental image of some sort of global apocalypse scenario, along with the clenching and fluttery, almost excited vibrations in the base of the gut, there was a fairly rapid shift through the next three ñanas before hitting the start of 10th ñana with this same mental imagery coming to the fore. The mind was going all over the place, chaotic vibrations in the visual field and this same apocalyptic scenario playing out with a deep sense of utter terror coarsing through the body...

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...it caught me out for a moment before I turned the attention towards the sense of fear itself and how it was created. I could hear sounds outside of my window, the sound of planes going overhead, a siren in the distance and watched the mind create this mad story about the sirens being ambulances and police cars, the plane was falling from the sky and nuclear war had just been announced. The conversations of passers-by became panicked rantings about the end of the world, the fear mounted as I chose to sink into the scenario as if it were real. I forced myself to confront my own mortality, that of those I love, and to come face to face with the possibility of dying without all of us being together which was a great fear I had before. I confronted the misery of loss, the pointlessness of holding on when nothing remains for more than an instant, looked at these sensations in detail and realized how deep the teachings of Dark Night can penetrate, however difficult they may be.

To cut a long story a little bit shorter, I surrendered to it, accepted it, embraced it . There is no choice in the end. I repeatedly questioned myself and replayed the scenario of "Could you surrender to the Absolute when the end of the physical body comes?" and repeatedly the answer came back "Yes", the result of an unshakable and stable realization of the way things are. Inevitably this sounds over dramatic, I'm trying to describe something really simple but language gets in the way. Ha!

A good session all in all, I'm avoiding posting too much lately as I'm still trying to get my head around this "done" feeling and I worry that I'll be making outright claims with no validation, and insufficient reality-testing. Practice continues daily but I do it because I want to, not because I feel that I necessarily need to which is an interesting change!

Metta & Mudita,
- Tommy

Neat investigation! (I can understand the allure of DN insights, but man you're really getting into it!) Seems like a good thing to explore while testing for doneness