Eds Practice Log

Here is short bio of how i found my way here.

When was 18 years old, I went on holiday with a group of my friend to Spain. I was quite a keen drinker in those days, although my main preference throughout my late teens and 20's was smoking the herb. One evening we found ourselves sitting in a bar and a friend of mine received a call saying his dog was ill. That bad news and general atmosphere of melancholy prompted a very strong insight into impermanence. It was both intellectual and emotional. My logic was that, if after death I had no recollection of my life, the people I have met and things I have seen and done then in many ways it may as well never have happened.

I then realised that with death being the only certainty in my life, if I was to do anything with my life it would be explore the meaning of life, or maybe even find a conceptual framework that took the futility and despair out of my predicament.

Although the strength of this drive has drifted in and out focus it has been a drivingmotivator for me for the last 18 or so years. In that time I have read and read looking for some answers. Authors and thinkers include The Buddha, Thich nhat Hahn, Sogyal Rinpoche, The Dalai Lama, Lama Surya Das, **************, Pema Chodron, Ramana Maharshi, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Krishamurti, Ramesh Balkasar, Echart Tolle, Ken Wilber, Tony Parsons, Timothy Freke (apologies for spellings)
Each time I feel great reading about the truth......but nothing seemed to satiate the search. I was also practising meditation, on and off.

So last year I started attending a local Sangha (Triratna) I began mediating in groups, talking to other Buddhists, taking part in Pujas. I also began to meditate daily, mindfulness of breathing and metta. I have joined a mens group, where I get to tune in with other members and talk about the dharma. This has all been great! I feel more positive and its great to have a sense of community.

However I am still driven with a sense that my efforts are too dissipated for real and lasting transformation. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and what I'm expecting (except is a long way off). This vagueness doesn't feel right. Which has led me here. There is a clarity here which I find energising and uplifting. This isn't a rejection of anything but a sense of finding the missing piece of the puzzle.

I am looking forward to seeing how things unfold!

To get the ball rolling, here is first entry.
17:30 Sat 30 mins.
Intersting meditation. Started noting rising and falling, after a while let awareness shift to the whole body.
Was listening to Kenneths talk earlier 'Spiritual Materialism' - SO I just kept reffering back to the body. I got a glimpse of the idea of the body being the ligthening rod, as it kept grounding me back into sensation.
Absence of pleasure eventualy prompted a note that my concentration had largely dissapated. My breath had become very subtle by this point. I returned to noting rising and falling and felt a degree of contentment return. Altough I wasnt seeking a 'good' meditation, I guess I felt like I was trying to steer into pleasant waters. Ultimately absence of pleasure prompted the return to concentration.

As well as that, I also went for a 1/2 hr walk and practiced noting. I popped into the chat room and am looking forward to trying some back and forth noting (when I get a good mic sorted)

I hope that description isnt too subjective..........any feedback would be good. Im sure the recording creates its own sort of feedback loop.

Hey Ed,

Good to know some more about you! You'll probably find that the level of openness about technique, attainments, the pragmatic approach and honesty on here isn't quite what you'd get from a conventional Buddhist sangha. If you're looking for down to earth, no bulls*it talk about meditation practice then you've come to the right place and it's an excellent community of yogis who actually care about each other. Kenneth is a wonderful teacher who's abilities and frank discussions have helped so many people make real progress towards realizing the happiness which is not dependent on conditions.

Welcome on board and I hope you find what you're looking for.......although if you're on here then there's a fair chance you'll find it quicker than you think ; )

- Tommy

P.S. Glad you liked the video! I really appreciate you taking the time to watch it, hopefully I'll get some more stuff uploaded in the coming weeks as I'm going to start doing "Down To Earth Dharma" as a full project and interview some of the folks on here. Thank you again!

Welcome Ed!
Tommy said it better then I can, but I agree wholeheartedly! Practice+this site=success.

Tuesday 8.00am 30mins
Lots of difficult sensations in the body, stomach ache, saliva. Noted rising and falling. After a while broadened my awareness to the body. After 15mins I felt something happenig behind my eyes - opening, concentration, energy. Stuck with breathing. Seemed to be struggling to balance effort. Realised altough I was aware of bodily sensations I had stopped noting then - resumed noting. Rising, falling, tension, hearing, frustration, falling. Then I suddenly felt like I had come out of the woods into a clearing - mental chatter signifigantly reduced - 1min later bell went.

Tuesday 22:00 40 mins
Focused on breathing, noted rising and falling. Dispersed to the body. Dropped noting as soon as I felt settled. Felt absorbed in effort as opposed to breath. Noticed how subtle the mind is in wandering from the spot. Generally seemed a bit dull. Quite tight on the breath, not much pleasure.

MCTB arrived today. I had read bits online before, but decied to go through the whole thing again properly.

Practising noting as much as possible during the day, Altought it feels a bit weak, I am happy knowing what I am trying to do. The day seems longer, and richer in detail.

Hello, Ed, and welcome here. I'm also rather new to this forum and to practice in general. Glad you've got a copy of MCTB. My advice, for what it's worth, is to think about signing up for a retreat. Daniel Ingram mentions that a retreat early on in one's practice gets it fueled up with some results, which makes it easier to keep going afterward. I don't know what your retreat experience has been, but you might give it a try. Best, Laurel

Hi Laurel,

Thanks, I am concious that its something missing from my practice. Its definlty on my to-do list, I think I need to do some investigating to see what the options are in my area.

Work commitments and finacial constraints are bit of a problem though. My only hope at the moment is that using the noting practice has been a great way for me to keep a degree of pracice going off the cushion. However the distractions in day to day life are considerable!

I read your notes last night. Sounds like you definitly have your foot in the door regarding concentration. I feel a little out of my depth as im not sure I have even developed access concentration.

With that in mind, I feel inspired to hit the cushion again!....thanks for stopping by.

Wednesday.

30mins noting practice out loud. Noted resistence and boredom although experinced a few moments where also felt quite absorbed and notes seemed to be coming quicker.

Sat twice 50mins and 40mins.

Both times I think I was being content driven. Reacting to sensation, and driven by a subtle desire for pleasure. Felt concentrated on both sits but also dull. Lots of discursive thought...how am I doing, how can I relax more, how can I have more of that and less of this etc.

In the afternoon I went for a long walk and managed to sustain noting for quite a long period. I am amazed how much hearing I do. I would have thought to be looking more and yet am mostly hearing and feeling. Everynow and again i note smelling......which is a bit of a rare one......fish and chips, pine trees etc.

Was jogging in the morning and after long walk felt really tired. Noting and mindfulness seemed to to go out the window.

Ed,
Regarding feeling out of your depth, I didn't have access concentration when I started here either. So keep at it and you'll get that and a lot more! No shame in being at the beginning of a new practice, everyone is a beginner sometime. I still consider myself one, hence my thread name(a beginners journal). Every day and moment I begin my practice again, so I'm always a beginner.
OK I'm rambling now, keep up the good work!!

Thanks Rev, probably just a fear that concentration is a gift as opposed to a learnable skill. However I feel I am already starting to nudge in the right direction. I have been noting quite a bit in the day and have found a real interest in the way my mind removes me from my present experience. Things seem easier in the present , which is a great motivator.Today I have felt a real sense of underlying calm. Both in my body and mind. This gives me a real feeling that things are starting to move.

Ed - that laughter you talked about is a clue that you are generating jhanic factors - you are doing great

Well I had a few drinks over the weekend and noticed that my mindfulness was largely dissipated. However I was able to keep noting fairly consistently whilst walking into town and doing chores.
On Friday night, as I walked home I felt an a amazing appreciation for the sights and sounds around me. An experience that has become more frequent in the last couple of weeks.
Yesterday I listened to Kenneths talk on outcomes, I found it really useful. The Buddhist group I am part of is very keen on ethical training and I am currently studying the 7 parimitas. I think what I want is transcendence and so I have been rejecting this descending model of enlightenment. However the talk helped to see how the two inter-relate. As I was reflecting on this I generated an amazing feeling of metta. It also gave me insight into how metta might help my development, on all levels.

Last night I had a good exchange with Nadav and as a result am placing noting out loud into the centre of my practice. I sat for 30mins yesterday and 40mins this morning, paying particular attention to mind states and thoughts, as these have been rather illusive for me.

Wow, what I noticed straight away was lots of wanting, pressure, urgency and desire. Also accompanied by a lot of evaluating thoughts, judging thoughts, condemning thoughts, planning thoughts and expecting thoughts.

As you might expect this was also accompanied by a lot of tension in shoulders and neck. Because of this background desire I only seemed to experience deepening, expansion and stillness once or twice for brief interludes. Still I saw part of my process that was previously covered which I am happy to regard as progress!

Awesome posts, Ed. Thanks for these!

Cheers Joel,

Im very much in a stage of gathering information, mulling it over and reflecting on how to practice. It has been taking me a while to work out how, noting, jhana, nana, concentration, body awareness etc all fit together.

This morning I came to a useful insight though. I have reading through Nadav's journal and find his precise noting really inspirational. However I think I was getting stuck, because I saw acess concentration/jhana as my first goal.

In my mind I had come to the conclusion that noting out loud or even silently and deepening absorption/concentration were incompatible. So I was sort of torn between noting and resting my awareness on what was arising.

However after reading more and reflecting, I can see the instructions are that Pre A/P my first goal is penetrating the object, thus making momentary mindfulness the thing I need to develop (precise, accurate, noting) However, that's not to say concentration wont develop, as Nadav and kenneth discuss - jhana can develop whilst other activities (noting out lout) carry on.

Wow this really helps me, as it means I can put all my practice on the noting, without fear that I am neglecting concentration.

However, the reason I am having trouble deepening my state whilst noting (as I discovered in my morning sit) Is that it throws me into a very tight, striving and stuggling mind states...........however, I imagine as I just note these they may start to weaken & I have already noticed my noting becoming a little more fluid and responsive.

I sat for the 30mins this morn noting out-loud. For the first time, I noticed a lot of my blanks were actually seeing. But because my eyes were closed, I don't think I was picking this up!.........its fascinating to uncover these things = )

45 min walking/noting session around lunch time. Just amazing to see the sky, trees and hear the birds whisltling, was trying to notice sensations as consecutive moments, like animation frames, couldnt see it, but became aware that it was happening even if below my percetpion.

30mins of noting whilst driving home followed by 30min sit, noting out-loud/whispered.

first quater of an hour felt quite present to the moment, 90% of notes relating to tension in the body, with sprinkles of evaluating thoughts, wanting thoughts, expectancy, dissapointment.

Although content didnt really change, after a while I felt like I found a rythym and notes were coming easier and actual noting seemed to less disturbing to my mind.

Reading other practice journals is really helping see that content is not as important as dis-embedding, but desire to have a 'good' mediation is pretty deep.

HI Ed,

There is a teacher called Tejananda who lives and teaches at Vajraloka a Triratna Meditation Centre in Wales. He is a very good teacher of insight approaches to practice - he actually believes you can get get enlightened unlike many of the Triratna souls. He has been influenced by Daniel's book - and put me onto it.
I don't see any reason why you can't integrate Triratna/hardcore dharma. There are a few of us doing it. My approach is to enjoy and contribute to the benefits of sangha life - which I really value - and think is quite a rare and precious thing, and follow my own inspiration as far as personal practice goes. Sometimes people can get a bit threatened or glaze over if you want to talk insight with them - so its wise to talk to people who are sympathetic and have some expereince or you will feel disappointed. If that happens I tend to just go about four foundations of mindfulness and pali canon a bit and people cheer up and can relate to it.

Thanks richard, I'll give you a buzz on skype as soon as im set up! One of the chaps in Ipswich mentioned that Tejanada had read daniels book. There are also a couple of order members around who are into it and a few that arent. Which is fair enough I guess.
We had an interesting discussion the other night about the use of prayer. Is this a Buddhist practice etc?? Seems a long way away from the ideas on this forum, but maybe just a case of emphasis. Im sure the sangha, spiritual friendship, devotional practices would be really useful assets along this path, especially in the more turbulent DN territory. Anyway ill give u a buzz soon!

Sat for 45 mins this morning, started feeling a bit rough, headache and sickness. Continued all day, slept in afternoon and then went for a walk, 45mins with pretty consistent noting. So many pleasant sensations available, I feel that my mindfulness is uncovering a world I have been separated from. Just simple things seeing the trees and sky, hearing the birds etc.

Felt a real sense of gratitude towards Kenneth s teachings they have helped me really connect with what the Buddha was talking about. I really am starting to feel like I am on the path now.

Sat for 45mins this afternoon, decided to try and find my own way with the noting. I see the pitfalls of too little noting, much easier to get stuck, but I think I was mistaking the finger for the moon a bit and getting hung up on the process. As such, got very calm (probably a bit too embeded at times) but it felt good. Had some pangs of fear and anxiety at the end.

After I opened my eyes, I choose to recite refuges and precepts, which made me feel a bit kinder and happier.

Sat for 1hr this eve - im not sure if this was access concentration but after about 10 mins I felt really stable and confortable and a little like I was in a blanket, was nice. Noting rising and falling, just staying with the breath and noting sensations. A lot of tenison in the sholders at times, still couldnt really decide wether to note out loud or not!?......So I did, however feltlike it was hard to settle, im sure its something in my mental states as they are a bit of a blind spot and when I do look there is usually a bit of wanting and striving in there somewhere.

40mins in decided to sit in chair and carry on noting out-loud..........no fireworks but felt pretty solid.

was teaching this eve and at several points noticed a tickling/pressure at the point where my third eye might be?!.........not sure what thats about, wasnt really pleasant more like having a twich in the eye.

30 mins sit this morning.

10 mins out-loud noting then reverted to original instructions, noting riiiisssing, fallling and try to balance effort and attention. Reminded myself, the 'be like a scientist' idea and although this initally made me tighten, I noted and and broadened my awareness.

There seems to be a general level of absorption and contentment in my sitting at the moment, although there is an absence of the piti and energy I felt last week. Im not sure why, if its important, should I be looking for it?? Does its absence mark a regression?................doubt, evaluating thought, tension etc

any thoughts would be good?

Finally managed to get skype up yesterday and did a bit of ping pong noting with Nadav. It was a weird, funny, different and really intersting experience. As suggested, it had already helped my understanding and practice of noting.

Noting is becoming the norm (still big gaps here and there) but walk to work and at work must have logged at least 3 hours of noting today.

30min sit this afternoon - 'allowed' myself to drop noting, but really stick to my expreince. Initial tensing up. Rested on sensation in the body, momentary awareness felt quick and strong. Body almost seemed to dissapear! Had sudden rush or energy up and behind the eyes. Go the heartrate going, but just watched it come and go. Towards end noted masive tension in sholders, almost shaking feeling in top of body, neck and head. Just watched it. Felt like I managed to remain technique focussed as opposed to content focussed.

Feel calm and balanced now.

20 min sit this morning

Started noting out loud for 5mins, dropped notng, felt a feeling of being in a warm blanket, very still and pleasant.
Hovever after a while started to drift into thoughts and feelings, so returned to out loud noting. Was frustrated when bell went as was jsut getting into it.

30 mins - noting out loud.

Listened to Kenneths potty traning talk. Its a great lesson in the value of noting. Downloaded a recorder and recored the half hour. Got into a bit of a groove but it all felt quite surface based. Hearing, seeing, seeing, boredom. Although I guess the interesting thing is I started to see my visual memory popping up all sorts of things that would normally be a cue for prolifferation of thinking, so it was quite interesting to see them as seeds that didnt get a chance to grow.

40mins sitting.

Started off noting rising and falling and then noting other sensation, predominantly tension in the sholders and neck.

Dropped noting, however after a short space, I picked it up again. I seem to be warming to the noting now, in that I feel happier noting out loud than not. I think listening to Kenneths talks has helped. He, along with lots of people on this site, say that basically as long as your noting, your doing it right! This helps a lot!

Overall a funny day, a lot of unpleasant sensation in the body, I think this migth be dietary. Am going to experiment with a low GI diet for a bit and see if that helps.

Massive tensions in both sits, been spending more time online, reading and writng emails........two activities that seem very hard to dis-embed from. MAybe this is causing tension, might try to incorperate a bit more direct mode stuff tommorow and see if I can keep one eye on the body.