Eds Practice Log

I have really felt back in the mire this week. Lost a little momentum with daily noting and got involved in some exchanges with friends and family that left me well and truly embedded.
Almost all involved my desire to share the 'good news about noting' with others and then meeting resitance. I guess thats how the crusades got started!
Anyway, it hasnt been all bad, have been having some intersting expreinces playing with the bystander approach and some intersting feelings of relating to my body more like a car than 'ME'

I feel im back on track today, I know what im doing (noting) and why im doing it (to dis-embed)......sitting this afternoon, tuned into my blind spot, mind states. Realised an almost continal fluctuation of assessing,planning, judging, evlautaion, stratagising and wanting. All steming from a desire for a 'good meditation'

I loved Owen Beckers Traffic Cop simlie......and really saw it happeing in my sit today. So I dropped it and tried a little bystander/witness thing and things really started to deepen. Good progress, think im back on track.

Found a good quote in a little book I am reading The Secret Of the Golden Flower - Almost exactly like Owens Traffic Cop.

The concious mind is like a violent general of a strong fiefdom controlling things from a distance, until the sword is turned around.

Anyway as insights start to formulate, I thought I might just jot down where I at. This is where I am with meditation.

Meditation throws up pleasure and pain in ever increasing degrees. Both of which trigger our conditioned responses (3 poisons) Greed, Hatred and Ignorance. The ****, The Snake and The Pig. Every sensation offers the oppertunity for freedom from conditioned response. Its starts of easy and gradually ramps up pleasure and pain. All the way to Enlightenment - complete relase from contitioned response!? (feel free to correct if thats off the mark)

I expreinced a small dose of pleasure in my sit and I think it has taken me at least two weeks to calm the resulting greed and subsequent aversion at its loss, and all the resulting striving. planning, anticipating and evaluating.

Of course these mind states have naturally led to an obsession with technique and progress.

I really hope seeing this might help me move forward.

45mins this morning. - Pervasive sense of doubt and pessimism regarding practice. Couldn't really settle between noting and direct mode - sensing.

Interesting day - drove to my class (30mins) noted all the way. Started very negative, but more and more positivity started to flow as I got closer, even to the point of laughter, amusement and real sense of happiness.

Helped a friend with some deliveries and had a few moment to try some 2nd/3rd gear stuff. Amazing to think that it all just arising sensations, I had a few glimpses of what it might be like to really see this, felt really happy.

Had a near miss pulling onto the motorway, lorry didn't slow down to let me (i guess he wanted me stop on the slip rd. Adrenaline and anxiety really flowing with really bad stomach pain on the way home. Started to feel like a chain reaction of anxiety was starting to unfold...almost felt like pulling of the motorway. Decided to just tune into vedena....unpleasant, unpleasant, neutral, unpleasant....etc After 10 mins, had calmed right down, although stomach still uncomfortable. Wow, really worked wonders though.....maybe it was just seeing the unpleasant as unpleasant and not adding thoughts?!
sat 40mins tonight with breath as primary object. Noted rising and falling. At first just tension in the body. Then switch behind the eyes, then started to FEEL the breath....like a little ball of light in the stomach, with each breath I could feel it flood my system and then on out breath cascade down through the body. Behind the eyes it felt like stepping into, or falling into a deeper state. Body felt like, opening to or becoming increasingly sensitive to the breath (as a whole body sensation). All this noting and reflecting didn't really help as It felt like I was defiantly starting the engine, but couldn't get it to burst into life, the spark was there, but too much blowing and fiddling to get the fire going!.

Tricky day, experiencing a lot of frustration with practice. Pushing myself a bit too hard maybe. Seem to have lost my desire to note whilst walking into town, concentration low. Decided to try and a sit it out. 30min/30mins/45mins/1hr.

Tension in the body, starting to notice static/buzzing behind seemingly solid sensation, especially in the hands. A few itches here and their as well. Trying to balance my concentration and vipassana. Think my concentration had started to deteriorate over last few days so rested more on the breath.

Last sit for an hour - Halfway through had a good glimpse at my desire to manipulate my experience. Remembered Kenneths teaching - Your doing it right if you see what clearly arises. Gave up trying to make things better, just watched what came and went, which was mostly discomfort pain and tension.

However felt much calmer afterwards and also felt I had learned something.

Your practice sounds good, and it seems to be getting better. Just keep at it, which can be the hard part, especially on those days you just don't want too.

Thanks Rev......it seems to be unfolding, even if I have to make the same mistakes over and over.....I think things are slowly seeping in. Cheers for the support.

"Tricky day, experiencing a lot of frustration with practice. Pushing myself a bit too hard maybe. Seem to have lost my desire to note whilst walking into town, concentration low. Decided to try and a sit it out. 30min/30mins/45mins/1hr.

Tension in the body, starting to notice static/buzzing behind seemingly solid sensation, especially in the hands. A few itches here and their as well. Trying to balance my concentration and vipassana. Think my concentration had started to deteriorate over last few days so rested more on the breath.

Last sit for an hour - Halfway through had a good glimpse at my desire to manipulate my experience. Remembered Kenneths teaching - Your doing it right if you see what clearly arises. Gave up trying to make things better, just watched what came and went, which was mostly discomfort pain and tension.

However felt much calmer afterwards and also felt I had learned something. "

Cool! These are great reports, Ed. Thanks!

"45mins this morning. - Pervasive sense of doubt and pessimism regarding practice. Couldn't really settle between noting and direct mode - sensing.

Interesting day - drove to my class (30mins) noted all the way. Started very negative, but more and more positivity started to flow as I got closer, even to the point of laughter, amusement and real sense of happiness.

Helped a friend with some deliveries and had a few moment to try some 2nd/3rd gear stuff. Amazing to think that it all just arising sensations, I had a few glimpses of what it might be like to really see this, felt really happy.

Had a near miss pulling onto the motorway, lorry didn't slow down to let me (i guess he wanted me stop on the slip rd. Adrenaline and anxiety really flowing with really bad stomach pain on the way home. Started to feel like a chain reaction of anxiety was starting to unfold...almost felt like pulling of the motorway. Decided to just tune into vedena....unpleasant, unpleasant, neutral, unpleasant....etc After 10 mins, had calmed right down, although stomach still uncomfortable. Wow, really worked wonders though.....maybe it was just seeing the unpleasant as unpleasant and not adding thoughts?!
sat 40mins tonight with breath as primary object. Noted rising and falling. At first just tension in the body. Then switch behind the eyes, then started to FEEL the breath....like a little ball of light in the stomach, with each breath I could feel it flood my system and then on out breath cascade down through the body. Behind the eyes it felt like stepping into, or falling into a deeper state. Body felt like, opening to or becoming increasingly sensitive to the breath (as a whole body sensation). All this noting and reflecting didn't really help as It felt like I was defiantly starting the engine, but couldn't get it to burst into life, the spark was there, but too much blowing and fiddling to get the fire going!."

Fantastic Ed - this is really inspiring

Thanks Andy - good to see you here! Well im going to keep plugging away at it, I things are starting to happen. When you see some of the progress people on here make, you cant help but get on the cushion, to see what happens next!!

Sorry missed out tonight, have to catch up soon!

30mins this morning.
Pretty distracted...took me about 20mins to work that out, then started noting out loud and started to feel a little more grounded.

18:30 30 mins Noting out loud (using recorder). Felt good, even seemed to develop a little absorption and some happy feelings at one point. Noting seemed to flow, just mixed it up really pairs/triplets etc

20:30 - 40mins - Breath primary, became the scientist, tried to keep an eye what and to where my attention flowed....something like this:

Sensations in Abdomen, Nose, diffused in whole body, tension in shoulders, knees, heavyness in arms and hands, tingling in hands, thoughts, Shenpa*, saddness, sickness, shenpa* re:Neigthbours noise, brightness behind the eyes and itches - these are becoming more regular features in my sits - felt them around my nose and then at the crown of my head. At one point this led to an almost spontaneous straigtening of the spine. Also noted a lot of discomfort in stomach and side near kidneys.

* Started listening to Pema Chodrons talks - Getting Unstuck. In realation to my post about reactive patterns this is an extremly useful teaching. The scratching the itch analogy to feeding negative patterns is so true and I am looking forward to seeing if I can work with this! Next time I want to argue with someone, im going to try and reamain with the phisical discomfort and see if I can keep quiet both internally and extrenally!

Managed to sit for 2hrs today - 1hr and 2 x 30mns.

Not much to report, except in final sit. I really ramped up the noting, following some things I read on EndInSights page. Wow they did seem to start speeding up on their own, I was really absorbed in process although it all felt a bit tight.

After 20mins I suddenly felt really disociated from my body. Like the sensations arising had been stripped of self. I think the noting process was like bailing out water in a sinking ship. The water being embedded identification. I seemed to build up enough momentum to be able to sit for a while dissembedded from the body and maybe even feelings.

I think though that I was still embedded in mind states and thoughts. I could see them but didnt have the speed to bail out the embeddedness in time.

I understand this disembedded sense is what is being aspired to and in a small brief way felt it develop a little today, I can understand how the noting, bystander and 2nd/3rd gear practices develop and habituate this state.

There is a peace in this disembedded quality that encourages me to stick with the process. I undersand there will be tricky stuff ahead, but a happiness that isnt dependant on conditions, is a goal worthy of more than a little hardship.

No stopping you now! You seem to have a method that's working for you, keep at it, come what may, and you can't fail. You will have days when you question, just keep going. When you have good days like this ones, bask in it and use it as fuel.

Good stuff, Ed. Keep on keepin' on!

Cheers for the encouragement folks!

Was a bit ill over the weekend, but managed a couple of sits. I also sat twice today for 30mins each.

Decided to make myself a little resolution as well!......Im going to sitck to a single practice on the cushion. Noting out loud/whispered...whatever presents itself as primary in my attention. I was still getting a little hung up on focusing on the breath and was either spacing out on the breath or getting frustrated when my noting had led away from the breath.

So I have simplified the problem and will just trust the instructions and drop the specuation for a bit. I got into a really nice groove in my last sit, expreinced some itching around nose and crown. Started using triplets and quads. Made some good progress look at mental states in terms of desire and aversion.......both leading to planning and evaluation of how to get more or less of the same........Seem to increase my presence and peacefulness.

A few sits today 30/30/40/30

Primarily noting practice. Some doubt arising in whether im doing it right (as per my post on forum). Last sit gave some extra attenion to thoughts and mindstates. Almost continual evaluation and judgement. Each judgement giving rise to its own aversion/greed. Interesting to see the chain going that way as opposed to starting in the body and cascading up to thoughts.

I guess the I sense will keep escaping to my blind spots until I can become quick enough with my awareness to strip it of a hiding place!

30mins this morning.

20mins whispered noting, just cycling the four foundations. Last 10 mins switched to silent noting rising and falling of the abdomen. Lots of desire, evaluation, judging, dissatisfaction and planning - noted. Each note seems to weaken its power to take me out of the present (more evaluation!) - lol

30 Min noting this evening.
Steady noting, felt that I am subtly staring to erode my sense of preference when I sit. Some itching happening around the nose. Started to observe waves of sensations...not really particles but waves, a sort of fuzziness. This came and went a few times. The more mind games I observe the stiller I become. The stiller I become the more I sensitive I become to my changing experience.

3 sits today 30/30/45
Last sit was interesting. Not feeling very good, tension in throat with excess saliva. Just watched it and noted desire to swallow, anticipation, aversion, swallowing and so on. As sit went on I started to experience massive discomfort in the body, like a iron bar round my sholders and then a clamp around my head and nose...quite weird. Still I have given up trying to shift posture as I am more convinced this is part of the process (maybe 3cs?)
I was noting silently all along and got into quite a groove, despite masive tension felt pretty absorbed. A few quite pronounced itches, which I watched but they didnt really do much except move around an inch or two and then fade (mainly round the nose). Feel very calm now after sit (and tension in throat is much better although not gone completely)

You're building momentum, Ed. Looks like you may have gotten access concentration in post 20 and you are moving through the early nanas. Post 42 sounds like 3rd nana (3 Characteristics) as you have surmised. Things are shaking up in there. Next stop, A&P! Keep up the good work.

Kenneth

Well done!
Keep doing what works!!

Way to go, Ed! Keep at it!

Man, I know those itches around the nose from some sits!
Good going!

Had a busy weekend. A friend visited on Friday and went for a long bike ride on saturday with another group of friends, was physically exhausted on Sunday, so not much practice. I got drawn into some very strong narratives regarding my performance on the bike and also some other stuff regarding work, which preoccupied me me most of Sunday.
Feeling a little stale and that I have gone off the boil.
I also read a bit on Ron Crouch's blog about crossing the point of no return. This filled me with a sense of fear. I feel that I have yet to cross this point. I dont want to damage myself with this process and yet I feel compelled to keep going, but the idea of getting stuck in No Mans with no way back to base, is causing me a little concern.

Anyway, I guess ill cross that collapsing bridge when I come to it.
2 sits today 30/30 - whispered noting. Mind felt quite stable, quite quickly despite busy unfocused weekend, seems that some momentum has been picked up in last couple of weeks, which has enough robustness to withstand a few off days!
Not much more to report - itches on nose and cheek but less that last week.

BTW- Thanks for the encouragement, it really helps!

I'm going through the exact same thing--scared to go on, wondering what changes will happen. But I am not happy the way things are, so I'm counting on more awareness being better. But sometimes I'm just nervous because it's the unknown. Then I have to rely on what others have said.

I'm also having problems feeling like I'm going stale. I'll make some progress and then just sit there, or else feel like I'm sliding backward. I'm about to post to my own practice thread with some updates on my favorite hindrance, torpor. I don't know how I can awaken in this lifetime if I can't stay awake!

Well Im back from having a break. I havent really stopped meditating, but something came up for me, in my practice that made me back away. In brief summary it unfolded like this:

I think I was making progress, small glimpses of an absence at my core made me feel a little scared, fear took on a life its own and started to look for ideas, and evidence to support it, started investigating the dangers of vipassana, listened to some very well meaning people who told me noting was dangerous, maps are useless, people who claim attainments are probably deluded, this really satisfied my fear and so I stopped noting, with a sense I was doing the right thing, carried on meditating on metta and mindfulness of breathing, decide to ramp up my commitment to the buddhist path via going for refuge and becoming a mitra with my local group, booked a long retreat, took part in pujas and day sessions including a talk on Satipattana much of which was very KF, started to question asumptions, noticed increase in my drifting whilst sitting and started to long for the mindfulness that I had generated whilst noting and drip by drip, day by day have come to the conclusion that there is a power in these practices that I cant really deny or forget.

I will start to log my sits again and want to get momentum up again before my retreat in mid September. My head is still swimming a little with paradigm overload even passed my eyes over the AF site yesterday and tried a little HAIETMOBA, which to be fair did to seem to enrich my sensory experience and bring a smile to the face. Also listening to Les Fehmis guided meditations, has been giving me a really expansive and inclusive awareness in daily life..........as well as some of his pointers 'can i pay attention to the way im paying attention' etc This evening also I took part in a puja with a group of friends and after concluding mantras felt a deep level of peace. (cont)