Villum's thousand and one mistakes

Got caught up for another 20 minutes. Vibrations seem very deep and total, something keeps being missed. Tried to include everything within a quickly blinking visual blob (let's call it a vipassana-nimitta) But things keep slipping.

Just Sitting, 30-45 minutes. Sweetness, perfection, tendencies towards absorbtion in sweetness and perfection. Still trying much to hard, but the mind wants to go there, because it is *good*.

Quote of the day: From Sid Meyer's Alpha Centauri (PC):
"And so we return again to the holy void. Some say this is simply our destiny, but I would have you remember always that the void EXISTS, just as surely as you or I. Is nothingness any less a miracle than substance?"

30 minutes or so, just sitting, closed eyes, trying to be awareness of phenomena. Sweetness-and-perfection arises as i fall into the awareness. Something like the emptiness of awareness beginning to be seen. Development of something like bodhicitta seems like a good and natural idea, both from that state, and in order to make it more natural and stronger.
Just noticed that what i call the Mahamudra-formations tend more to sweetness-and-perfection instead of cold-and-stillness. This seems very much to be the right direction.

50 minutes untimed noticing. Most of the time asking "what is not included in this experience, trying to be as comprehensive as possible". Baseline was tired, nervousness. Staying on sensate level mostly, mindfulness gradually increasing, openness and clarity included in experience. Near end, what-i-think-is-rigpa arises, and i practice not using it as a tool, and remembering that nothing needs to be done.

I
2-3 hours practicing mahamudra. Abiding often disrupted/attenuated by various kinds of self-contraction, plus what feels like a lot of energy stuff working itself out. Recognition seems to be improving a bit. Did some mahamudra noting, which turned out to be quite powerful. I should definitely do more of that.

Getting Clarifying the Natural State for my birthday from parents. Looking forward to working with it.

EDIT: forgot, i also spent some time looking at pointing-out instructions from the Ruthless Truth site, and getting it again, to some degree. Sat around noticing how self is a a phenomenon within awareness.

Experimented with open-eye formless jhanas. The joy-arising-from withdrawal has for awhile become my default mode of jhana (instead of joy-arising-from-concentration). The subtle ways these formless jhanas affect the proess of seeing is interesting, but i don't really understand it yet.
Then i (with a little trouble) got to probably-PL1, and sat around there for 20 minutes or so practicing mahamudra, which was very interesting as well, as the shift to probably-recognition seems much subtler there.

Half hours meditation, started out silent noting, got going pretty well, but got distracted looking at energy channels. Still noting though, but followed strange energy channels twisting and turning around my body.
I hope the dentist appointment monday can get rid of the pain so i can do something about this anesthesia. Actually, it seems like the sensations have broken into pieces and a lot of thin ropes (energy channels), and have been relocated to my chest, throat, back of the head and neck. I have several times gotten the impression of the pieces of sensations moving into place, and getting strange ethereal burning sensations as they moved over my body.

Weird! There's a significantly stronger sense of self when i look out one eye than when i look out the other. This seems connected with the energy threads i talked about in the last post, They seem thicker and more noticeable there.

This mahamudra practice i made up might not be the right thing to do, but it causes the feelings-associated-with-mahamudra-practice and seemingly tends towards seeing all things as empty and happening withing empty awareness:

First, i say "Mahamudra". This triggers a change in awareness something like the ships in the harbor (probably due to exxperience with posthypnotic triggers). Then, whenever anything seems non- as center, i note is as "Buddha", because all things are buddha, which tends to make me see it as empty and within awareness.
Any suggestions on how to improve on this are very welcome.

Experimenting with variants of "how am i experiencing this moment of being alive". Since i'm not using "i am my feelings"-approach, and because i find the sentence clumsy.
Variations:
- How is the moment lived
- How is the now lived (using this one currently - will tell you when i find the answer)
- How is this moment lived
- How is this now lived

The "this" variants have a stronger immediate impact, but i like the koan-nature of the "the"-variants, as a question your working on answering, as well as a trigger for a specific kind of mindfulness. There is some difference in my reaction to the "moment" and "now" variants, where the "now" ones seem best so far, partly because it makes for more presence.The differences between "moment" and "now" are probably subtle enough to vary from english to danish, and maybe even from person to person. The danish for "moment" is "øjeblik", which probably translates best to eye-blink, but directly to eye-view or something like that (same as german Augenblick). If you try this out, experiment with variants and what kind of reaction/attention the provoke.

All of them are quite different from HAIETMOBA in their impact and the presence/attention they provide.

Today i:
-spent 1 hour asking how is the now lived. first sitting and then doing stuff. Not sure how that is working for me.
-Experimented with using pure (neither-attraction-nor-aversion) to enter and rise in jhanas, with no focus, just directing equanimity towards whatever i seem to be holding to. This practice seems very good for getting to know the subtler forms of attraction and aversion.
-started doing witness riding again after talking with Nadav. Got a much better look at the Pure Lands than i can remember doing, especially Suddhavasa Number Five (we should come up with names for them. They deserve proper names for being so very nice). Stayed in the witness after reaching PL5, and started falling away, with attendant muscular loosening, as per usual. As per usual, got distracted when my head met the table. Still seem to be in the pure lands as i'm writing this.

EDIT: went back up to PL5 in the witness, then resolved going down, something i don't have much experience with. Was a very loose and actually relaxing experience. Except when i got down to third jhana, which wasn't so nice, lots of distracting flutter. Got down to 2nd or first, but couldn't figure out how to go out, and without noticing, started back up. So rode all the way back up to PL5 again, and just decided to stop there.

villum: "EDIT: went back up to PL5 in the witness, then resolved going down, something i don't have much experience with. Was a very loose and actually relaxing experience. Except when i got down to third jhana, which wasn't so nice, lots of distracting flutter. Got down to 2nd or first, but couldn't figure out how to go out, and without noticing, started back up. So rode all the way back up to PL5 again, and just decided to stop there."

that's interesting. when i did stuff like that, i would actually go down against my will, just things getting coarser + coarser even though i wanted them to remain elemental/fine. try not doing anything - nothing to figure out, it just seems to happen. all i had to do was notice where i was in the process

"

that's interesting. when i did stuff like that, i would actually go down against my will, just things getting coarser + coarser even though i wanted them to remain elemental/fine. try not doing anything - nothing to figure out, it just seems to happen. all i had to do was notice where i was in the process"

Going: straight progression to PL5, down to 5th, up to 6th, down to 2nd(ish), up to 3rd, down to 1st out and in again.

Did some noting because i couldn't sleep. Got to a really wide focus, and alot of the annoying unpleasant element went away. Thought this Equanimity, and talked to nadav, He suggested i pay attention to the strobing in the visual field, trying to notice things pass away. Did this for half an hour, with several strong shifts, some were my body was jerked around, some where i got very deep for a short while. Seem to remember one where everything went away, but might very well be wishful thinking. Feel peaceful and tired now. Focus is still very wide.

This cycling when i sit down and try to do nothing feels pretty familiar. I think i'm in review. Will try to post a more phenomenological description later.

Clearer description: the following is over roughly 20 minutes:

head falling down, tiredness, energy shifting down
vibrations everywhere
anxiety in throat, energy returning a bit, anxiety in neck
feeling lost, throat mostly
lostness expanding, now includes solar plexus
feeling of being under physical pressure, locked in
strong pressure in neck, head pressed down

vibrations faster more noticeable.
locked feeling, fear
let vibrations fill entire being, noticing them
Rest is from memory, as i forgot to type it down
openness, upward energy
Concentrate on physical sensations in the head, as well as visual field flutters.
at some point, there is a focusing in, an acceleration, a becoming absorbed
Then a freshness, like the mind having been cleaned with cool, pure water
Shortly after, falling over, sense of energy going downwards

Going through cycles again this morning. They seem slower than yesterday, but might just be how i relate to them.
Think i saw the time gap during a cessation the last time around. My abdomen jumped from mostly in to all the way out in the breath cycle. Can't be 100% sure it wasn't a muscle spasm instead, but didn't feel that way.

Speculation:
Experimenting just now with accessing jhanas directly without going through lower jhanas, i seemed to notice that the formless jhanas are not *necessarily focused on the head. From earlier experiments, i tend to believe that there are spots in each chakra that can produce the riding-the-witness effect if focused on (as well as points that produce the stop-button-nirodha-samapatti effect if focused on). If i am right, having the formless jhanas focused on the head is a habit from pre-enlightened experience and not necessary.

It seems i have reached review B. When i just sit, cycling starts differently, and i go all the way to the top of the formless realms. Here, there seem to be two ways to go. There comes a muscular weakening and a falling over, and a seemingly falling deeper into 8th. This seems to go nowhere, as i get distracted by fear of my head hitting the table. If i keep my posture, it doesn't go as deep, and and i progress into the pure lands, up to 5 and back down.
Since i do try just sitting, i tend to fall towards rigpa, without seemingly hitting full recognition, unless i let go even more.
Being close to rigpa in the formless and pure lands seems to produce a lot of energy releases, especialle my arms get very very hot at times (this stops if i manage to let go enough for something-like recognition, as the energy flows even more naturally then, and the warmsth is replaced by coolness.
I suspect this combination of mahamudra and jhanic arc is a good idea, as there seems to be some energy that needs to be released in the higher strata of mind.

The impression that objects seen are seperate and physically substantial seem to emerge from somewhere in the stomach, seperately from seeing itself. On first examination, at least. Ignorant being infuses the world with substance, and divides that substance into things.
(Reading Pointing out the Great Way)

Made up a simple exercise to begin examining this:
First look around the room. Then close your eyes. In what way do you still seem to be within the room. What is this impression, how can you seem to be in a room when you can no longer see it. Is this impression permanent. Do places of special significance to you give a different impression?
No answers yet, but might be a useful exercise.

Practicing on and off all day. I think i'm quite definitely back in review phase 1. Need to work on the phenomenological journaling, but right after sit, which means not today.

Discovered a variant of noting that seems to work better for me to keep focus. Did half an hour timed, without the usual aversion. It's more of a running commentary, staying as strictly as possible on the experienced. There was a much more direct feeling of this way developing insight knowledge, and path hunger isn't a problem in the same way, as i'm more directly investigating. Instead there's a motivation of wanting to know, which seems skillful. I try to combine this way of sitting with open choiceless awareness, to see as much as possible. I try to include aura/feelings, body shape/proprioception and touch sense

Trying to get deep into the witness with a lot of "who am i", "for whom does this arise". Had planned to do some jhanic arcing. Then witness dissolved into third gear. Damn nonduality getting into my plans! Well, this is what is supposed to happen, i suppose. Also, nicer

Another nice experiment. 30 minutes or so untimed equanimity practice (this should really be timed, actually). Notice attraction or aversion. Transform it into equanimity with targeted stability of mind. Repeat. Mind becomes very still, stable and bright.

Been reading pointing-out instructions again, and have gotten to the silliest state ever. More specifically, i read this: completehumanity.blogspot.com/2011/08/pr...-please-take-my.html where a 72-year old professor seems to finally see through the self.
Anyways, sat around looking, and seeing how self are sensations like all oe asthers,and how these sensations can be grounded in the body, trying to be as inclusive as possible.
Apparently i missed a spot, because when i look with one eye, there is no self, just sensations. When look with other, there is self.Literally. This is not (deliberately) a poetic metaphor.