Villum's thousand and one mistakes

After reading some more yesterday, i seem somewhat enlightened. There doesn't seem to be much self, and what there is is usually recognized as sensations immediately.
Awakeness seems much more stable, now. Kenneth told me to practice mahamudra and jhanic arc. It seems these no longer exclude one another, i can rise up the arc while awake.

It still seems the nature of this mind to swing back and forth between inaction and obsession/absorbtion in a single topic. Especially when alone, and i live alone, this pattern is very strong. Things are changing somewhat, though. There are more moments of inaction than earlier, as it is better tolerated. The stillness of the world, and the stillness of the mind, have been slowly growing over the last half year. Lately they are beginning to be resemble one another. A capacity for resting in stillness rather than in absorbtion (meaning mostly absorbtion in books/games/other obsessions). But the demands of the world still disrupt that stillness, so that it becomes a hiding-place and an absorbtion. The path, it seems, must be to learn to act from that stillness, and to see it in all the world.
Thus the problems of ordinary life leads to a need for the unification of nirvana and samsara.

But first, a wisdom tooth has to be pulled (literally). Today.

Caught up in self again. Seems like the enlightenment from pointing-out instructions lasted 3 days this time. I may be deluding myself, but it seems like sense of self is a lot subtler, and more of an on-and-off thing. A little bit of the emptiness-all-things perspective from mahamudra practice seems to have passed into ordinary life. I noticed it selfing being back yesterday evening when i was caught up in fearful thoughts, which, in retrospect, seemed Dark Nightish, and not properly content-based.

Late yesterday evening, i went down to the sea beside the harbor and rode the jhanic arc while rigpa most of the time.Riding the jhanic arc from rigpa seems not to make the mind dull the way trying to just sit around in rigpa does. Legs fell asleep rather quickly though, so only got 20 minutes, during which i made it up to 8th, which went deeper. and deeper. Couldn't follow it without almost falling over, so i stopped, and noticed my leg was seriously asleep.
Need to improve my sitting technique for when i don't have a chair handy

30 minutes noting. Am really bad at remembering what happened, but will try to write a little.
pressure-unpleasant, fear, nervousness
Lots of noting reflective thoughts or desperate thoughts, which go in the vein of "who am i, what am i supposed to do, what shall i do, oh no". Those continue most of the sit.
itching. Pressure-unpleasant in neck, eyes.nervousness, feeling lost
Peace, peaceful thoughts, balance
really disgusting imaging thoughts
absorbtion, strobing, inclusive strobing, planning, balance, inclusiveness
deepening strobing
rest, peace, lightness, freedom.
wanting to make sure
rest peace, lightness, freedom again
falling away, falling over, trying to let go of everything.

20 minute jhanic arc, up to PL 5 and back down and out.
Noticed that the arupas deepen much easier than they used to, though i didn't go very deep at all.
Also, and very interesting, my experiments with extending the aspect of the arupa jhanas to the entire body seem like it may become the standard for me. There was at least a tendency for the arupas to not be focused on the head, but seemingly covering the entire body. At one point, 6th seemed to have three centerpoints, instead of just centering at the witness. It seemed to emerge from the witness, the heart (or solar plexus) and the root. The three points seemed connected by the "magnetic lines" of consciousness in 6th.

40 minutes or so slowly up the jhanic arc to PL5, , starting from mahamudra practice, and staying close enough for the feel of it to be constantly present. Added almost-full-body arupa jhanas on the way. This is beginning to seem more natural. The trick seems to be (with mahamudra also, in some way) to include the root, and let the transformation/seeing develop from there. Full body arupas seem more natural for deepening, to me, as i don't have to focus away from the body, but just let the body fade into focus on the formless elements.

hit dukkha noticeably yesterday, after working on maham8udra poetry a lot (see dharma poetry). and probably been there all of today, as got really noticeable when i tried moderating the virtual sangha meet as usual. Luckily Muwuwu was there to step in.
Just finished 40-60 minutes untimed witness-based jhanic arc. I feel like i'm relearning the witness, dont feel really well-established in the practice yet. But enough to move the car - I went direct to PL 5, getting lost on the way, and only being sure where i was from PL1 onwards. Then i went down to 8th-ish, and back up to PL5, back down to 8th-ish, and back to PL5. the end.

Woke up late, not much sleep, no energy to do anything. Muddled around. Figured out that i seemed to be in some dark night, with tiredness and fearful despairing thoughts. Finally got around to sit for a while. Did 10 minutes candleflame kasina, after which i felt even worse. Did a single jhanic arc up and down, and some noting. Eww, had forgotten to take my antidepressants over the weekend while visiting parents. Brain zaps (probably SSRI discontinuation syndrome) increased confusion). Muddled about feeling bad about my self, figuring out that meditation seemed to be the only way out. did 40 minutes walking meditation. Noted alot of self pity, itching and unpleasant pressure-sensations around body. Was very scattered, so anchored meditation on the sensations on the soles of my feet. Beautiful nature got me out of self-pitying a few times, towards a more present joy, as did some very cute puppies a woman was walking. Got distracted by a phone call. and continued to meditate on-and-off on my way home. noticed i was feeling a bit better, more moments of balance, and less self-pity coming up.
In the evening, i was feeling very balanced in an open, attentive sort of way. Decided to sit a bit more. Did 30 minutes, wide attention, lots of fluttering and a few spasms, but nothing unpleasant. absorbtion in strobing vision and fluttering sensations in my head changed to a restful-bliss wave. Sat around some more enjoying it.

"Woke up late, not much sleep, no energy to do anything. Muddled around. Figured out that i seemed to be in some dark night, with tiredness and fearful despairing thoughts. Finally got around to sit for a while. Did 10 minutes candleflame kasina, after which i felt even worse. Did a single jhanic arc up and down, and some noting. Eww, had forgotten to take my antidepressants over the weekend while visiting parents. Brain zaps (probably SSRI discontinuation syndrome) increased confusion). Muddled about feeling bad about my self, figuring out that meditation seemed to be the only way out. did 40 minutes walking meditation. Noted alot of self pity, itching and unpleasant pressure-sensations around body. Was very scattered, so anchored meditation on the sensations on the soles of my feet. Beautiful nature got me out of self-pitying a few times, towards a more present joy, as did some very cute puppies a woman was walking. Got distracted by a phone call. and continued to meditate on-and-off on my way home. noticed i was feeling a bit better, more moments of balance, and less self-pity coming up.
In the evening, i was feeling very balanced in an open, attentive sort of way. Decided to sit a bit more. Did 30 minutes, wide attention, lots of fluttering and a few spasms, but nothing unpleasant. absorbtion in strobing vision and fluttering sensations in my head changed to a restful-bliss wave. Sat around some more enjoying it."

Good stuff Villum.

I hope you are feeling better!

"Good stuff Villum.

I hope you are feeling better!"


Thank you, yes have had a nervousness and a lazy feeling in the body all day, but just had a meeting with Kenneth. He taught me a 4-step direct mode practice which seems to work very well against dark nightish nervousness.
5 points: Feel head, hands and feet at once, instead of having attention jump between them.
hollow it out: let tension even out in the body, let the sense of the body become transparent so tension can even out -
fish tank: See the entire body (and world) as a single transparent vessel where every tension (fish) can feel every other tension, due to the incompressibility of mind (water).
close the gap: experiencer ceases to be seperate from experience, there's a shift and a sense of being the body. and there is peace.

One he taught me was

1) Feel the tension in the body
2) Breath deeply and relax (notice a reduction in tension - might be very slight)
3) Surrender completely to the remaining tension (this will reduce it further)
4) Ask - is there even anyone here who could possibly surrender

Also, many meditators I've read seem to stress the connection between breathing and controlling aspects of the autonomic nervous system (because breathing can both be controlled consciously or automatically by the nervous system). Knowing this, if one begins using long and regular breaths, the body will (with time) relax and begin to feel more pleasant. So, breath is the body conditioner. But further, the body conditions the feelings (i.e. feel more pleasant) which makes you happier (feelings condition the mind state) and eventually equanimous. The mind state conditions mind objects as well.

That one's very nice too, and i agree that the breath is indeed a very powerful tool for controlling tension and mood. What the fish tank exercise seems to do is to create a sort of being-as-not-other-than-the-entire-body that allows tension to flow freely. Mental/body-image based compartmentalisation of the everything-experienced are allowed to drop, in my cases particularly connecting the head and torso. When the body-and-world is a single unobscured container, the mind seemingly can no longer remain seperate from it.

Early experiments in the above practice shows a tendency to sometimes fall into the witness when trying to establish the hollow full-body awareness. This doesn't imply lack of full-body awareness, but it just means that i'm maintaining a (last) seperation between experiencer and experience. At this point, i have a choice. I can try to go back in the body and complete the direct mode, or i can ask: "who is experiencing me", and go to mahamudra. Mahamudra wins, so far. But good to know.

Well, since i'm meeting kenneth tonight, i getter get my stuff a bit together Know i haven't been posting the last while. Has been meditating, mostly jhanic arc and mahamudra stuff, except for this weekend and beginning of the week.
Jhanas are a bit annoying as i have neck kriyas with each stage shift, which also tend to dump me out of whatever concentration object i'm using. Witness is hard to focus on with this, and i still haven't really found my speed in that practice. However, i found yesterday that i can do boundless consciousness kasina instead of witness, which does just about the same thing, but is easier for me to stabilize.

Last thursday i found myself in something that seemed like reobservation, Harsh vibrations in the stomach, continuously present throughout the day. Considering my parents were coming in the weekend, i decided to sit down and get to a nicer place. Did vibration-noticing with added good/bad, emotion and thought noting here and there. Seemingly had a fruition, or at least a bliss wave following a going-deep. More similar things happened.
Most of the weekend, i'm guessing i was in something like A&P. Reduced sleep, woke up early because i was meditating in my sleep, clear fresh third-eye based energy.

Today the Witness went and voted. Involvement in politics? Pah

Uh, groggy. Trying to get button-NS, per kenneth's recommendation. i can find a button that makes things sink down and slow down, whatever i try to do, as long as i keep my attention there. There are more than one of them. I tend to lose it sometimes as i go deep, or it moves around a bit. Especially the first time, there was a lot of what i have come to see as energy-movement heat, in the face and head. On the way down, various "energy knots" seem to untie in the head, and attention tends to follow them around for a while. Once i get deep enough, (twice now) there is a violent kriya centered in the back of the neck and third eye. And then i'm back. Might be the event horizon. Might not, not claiming anything at all yet.

Still trying to get button-NS. There has been a few ones that might have been it, but since i have no idea how it's supposed to feel, i have no idea.
One, while lying down, would ordinarily have been taking as slipping off to sleep for a short while, if i hadn't been trying to get button-NS for a while.
The other, concentrating on a point that starts on the right side of the spine in the neck, was a falling away, and then a quick attention/energy movement down into the body and up again, and then i was fresh, with no sense of starting back up.
Anyways, the point in the neck seems to be the best candidate so far. Muscular loosening and falling over seems the primary symptom, together with a darkening and compression of the inner world. I'm not sure if this is what kenneth means by the mind beginning to spin down. Anyways, despite resolving to stay sitting up, i inevitably slump, and have to hold on somehow to prevent falling over. This also somehow seems to prevent entering. If i let myself fall over, some self-preservation instinct brings me to alertness before my head hits the table, or i slowly let my head rest on the table and can't maintain the focus due to the distraction.
Lying down, i have a harder time determining if i found the correct point, due to muscular loosening being harder to notice. Also, there's a stronger tendency to dreaminess due to being in my bed and all.
The point will usually start to move after a while, and usually also splits up. This splitting up i haven't heard of anywhere else, and it seems only one of the split points continues the falling-away. So far, i'm guessing the other one is some energy/body image thing that is let go off due to the very relaxed state.

A: Dark Night. Ew. Sorrow, disgust, nausea, sadness, tiredness, aversion. Heart chakra seems more and more active, doesn't just seem to be a DN phenomenon. But quite noticeable as the center of sadness.
B: This sutta rocks: www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.140.than.html

Looking over my old and very messy threads on the DhO, i discovered that i had access to Pure Land Jhana 3 roughly 10 days after the event i think was stream entry. I had Pure Lands 1 and 2 earlier, i can remember, but the thing is, i knew what they were supposed to look like. I didn't know what PL3 was supposed to look like, yet the description fits with my experience now. At that time i described it as focus falling back from the crown and ending up at the lower back - which does actually happen on the way to PL3, just didn't notice at the time that it continued back up to the third eye.
From what i can remember, it seems i had some sort of pure lands that enabled access to PL3 before what i call stream entry, which sounds wrong.

For reference: Stream entry thread - wasn't accepted at the time: www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/1779059
Attempt at practice thread afterwards: www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/1793515

So I'm confused. I thought PL jhanas were only available for anagamis.

Traditionally yes. I'm merely reporting my experience. I seem to remember reading about some 2nd-pathers having access to PL's, but nothing before that.

And when the hourglass has run out, the hourglass of temporality, when the noise of secular life has grown silent and its restless or ineffectual activism has come to an end, when everything around you is still, as it is in eternity, then eternity asks you and every individual in these millions and millions about only one thing: whether you have lived in despair or not.

Soren Kierkegaard, "The Sickness Unto Death" (quoted from the Alpha Centauri computer game because i'm not that kind of philosophy student)

Practice has been very very undisciplined, and i haven't known what to do. So today i decided to do 40 minutes of letting the meditation meditate, since i had no idea in which direction to go. This started as letting attention bounce around and letting thoughts arise. Eventually it developed into transforming everything into the first jhana, so that any pressure, tension, special location et.c. is transformed into the pleasure that comes from detachment. I never got it all, but close. Same with the second jhana, the third jhana, the fourth jhana. For the fifth jhana, i transformed almost everything into that which emotions, tensions, parts of inner life turn into in the fifth jhana, and which seems like ethereal shadows in the boundless space."Everything i am but space"... Everything i am is but consciousness, everything i am is nothing, everything i am is not even nothing.
From here, i tried to go to "this not-even-nothing is a mirage, a chain, an isn't. This turned into a more grounded state, where the jhana stuff was mostly reduced to popping and beginning of things that went nowhere further.
From there i got the idea to dissolve the chakras into attention-bounces, which seemed remarkably effective, even though they tended to reform at the first chance.

When trying to look at something, do not try to reach out with your awareness. Instead, realize that what you are trying to look at is already within awareness, and let it arise as seen.

Half hour noting session with Nadav after virtual sangha, its been quite a while since i done ping-pong noting. Should do it more, its a really nice method.