Justin's Journal 2

From there I landed in something I guess I would call Rigpa in that there was awareness and phenomena seemed to be self-liberating, but the liberation process was almost energetically violent - my head would twitch spastically any time a proto-thought started to arise or proto-clinging started with the tension in my chest.

This was 5 minutes ago. From then until now the deep chest anxiety seems to be the same horribleness, but I really honestly can't tell if it is horrible or not - I am unable to discern my reaction to it seemingly due to the self-contraction stopping, but I can clearly remember how horrible this felt 30 minutes ago, so I have a weird memory of suffering from this exact same thing which leads me to imagine that I am somehow still suffering deeply right now.

cntd...

Real time stream of thought:

If I just tune to the feeling of this moment without reference to the past, I would just say that there is pressure in my chest and seems to have a neutral or maybe negative feeling tone but otherwise not bothersome.

I guess everything is perfect now? But it really really wasn't perfect a bit ago.

Its like conceptually I still want to be suffering right now so that I can play around with this really productive material some more, but its just not happening.

I don't understand how my thought processes could be interested in wanting to suffer but somehow being unable to generate it. I would think that a thought process that is unfulfilled would intrinsically be suffering, which perhaps it is, but experientially it feels more like confusion. If I stop the thought chain for a second, nope, its just a really "unclean perfection" that is present.

cntd...

Bodily I really really truly feel like S.H.I.T. - but I just can't seem to find anything wrong with it.

I guess this is what an anxiety attack feels like when there is no one to be anxious.

" I very vaguely remember picking up a ball that was next to me and squeezing it and moving it around but really nothing was registering."

A few more details on this. It was as if I had no clue what the ball was, no clue what my hands were doing with it, and there was definitely absolutely no-one there. Its not like I didn't have a clue who "I" was, just any self-referencing sensation didn't arise. There was just some mindless sack of meat interacting with this ball.

I am really baffled why I am not suffering right now. I physically feel like ****, thoughts are running absolutely wild, and I still have some sense of witness/being, but there is simply no resistance to any of it even though my conceptual mind is screaming.

This doesn't match up with anything I've understood about this process. Maybe I'm just in a really blissful contracted state even though nothing about it feels blissful?

Maybe I'm completely fooling myself and have taken the ultimate placebo? WTF?!

I'm guessing this will be very temporary, which is unfortunate because I want to learn so much more about the mechanism that is going on right now.

By the way, reading this, it sure sounds like I'm suffering. This this the tone of the thoughts arising, but I really really can't find anything but perfection.

When I look at my experience, I can still only find perfection. The feeling of perfection seems to be coming from a very deep level, much lower than thoughts and preferences. I can see an agitated thought in my mind and feeling in my body, but still that agitation and everything else is seen as perfect.

Very few times I have noticed a very elusive proto-resistence at the edge of my awareness when I go to look at experience. At those times it is a sensation of "oh, I assume things can't be perfect", but then a split second later after tuning into experience, it is confirmed that only perfection is there.

I suspect that I will have to continue to recharge the batteries by sitting and abiding in Rigpa. Based on this proto-resistence it seems quite possible to lose momentum and fall out of this. It also seems that my thought patterns and bodily reactions haven't yet got the memo that everything is perfect.

Orasis, is this a feeling of true perfection or is it more a feeling that everything cannot be other than as it is, which is sometimes referred to as "perfect?" I know that sounds picky but in my experience there's a difference.

chris: Definitely the latter. Its a sense of not being able to find anything wrong with what is arising in that moment. This has been true even when thought-wise and body-wise I am in a "bad mood" with no bliss, harsh body vibrations, and negative thoughts.

It seems that a lot of mind states I have experienced somehow improve the experience/object/phenomena - more body bliss, more clarity, less harsh tension, less thoughts, etc. This seems to not be touching the phenomena, instead something has loosened up at some deeper level of interpretation of those phenomena.

If I do Mahamudra Noting, I'm having a fairly hard time finding tension and if I do it seems to be just body tension and I could either release it or not - either way it is fine.

But again, my habits of perception don't seem to have changed, so I really don't expect this to stick without some "work".

Conceptual Mind: "You should stop trying to match up experiences to concepts!"
Reply: "But that is exactly my job!"

A detail to note is that recently I have occassionally been cultivating an attitude of renunciation towards my resistance and need for concepts.

"When you have this understanding, then rising thoughts only enhance your practice. But when you do not understand what they intrinsically are'”the radiance of the nature of your mind'”then your thoughts become the seed of confusion. "

viewonbuddhism.org/dharma-quotes-quotati...st/buddha-nature.htm

I especially love the last two lines:

Profound and tranquil, free from complexity,
Uncompounded luminous clarity,
Beyond the mind of conceptual ideas;
This is the depth of the mind of the Victorious Ones.
In this there is not a thing to be removed,
Nor anything that needs to be added.
It is merely the immaculate
Looking naturally at itself.

-- Nyoshul Khen Rinpoche

The conceptual mind works to build a wall to imprison realty. It wants to compare previous (now fictitious conceptual) perfection with real perfection and in doing so tarnishes and obscures reality. Oh well.

"It wants to compare previous (now fictitious conceptual) perfection with real perfection and in doing so tarnishes and obscures reality."

These things are not at war. They're two sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other, and you get both!

After my wild ride, my mindfulness has been stronger than ever. Sometimes it is a witness, sometimes pure phenomena and the couple of times that I've found persistent resistance, it has resolved itself with a couple of minutes of shamata, then concentrating on awareness.

The biggest change I have noticed is how frequently my experience includes almost every sense door. I am seeing, hearing, feeling, and noticing proto-contraction all simultaneously as long as I am not lost in thought.

The biggest things that I don't understand right now is how thoughts play into all of this and a curiosity why my body and emotions seem to be manifesting more negative feeling tone - there isn't a lot of bliss in my experience.

I can't totally clearly experience what Chris is saying in 66, so this is the current grey area that I'll try to pay attention to.

Practice suggestions would be welcome.

This was happening to me a lot in the first half of 2011. This happens much less lately:

"Actual Recognition vs Conceptual Memory"

"In particular, if you follow those who say that although one realizes emptiness one must cultivate compassion elsewhere, you are similar to someone who claims that although one has water one must seek wetness elsewhere, that although one has fire one must seek warmth elsewhere, or that although one is fanned by the wind one must seek coolness elsewhere. The decisive experience of certainty that samsara and nirvana are supreme emptiness itself is unsurpassable awakened mind -- compassion as the display of samsara and nirvana in their equalness and purity." -- Dudjom Lingpa - "Nang-jang"

"The biggest things that I don't understand right now is how thoughts play into all of this and a curiosity why my body and emotions seem to be manifesting more negative feeling tone - there isn't a lot of bliss in my experience."

My practice may be quite different than yours, so disregard if it doesn't seem applicable. But it can be worth considering why negative feeling tone and/or thoughts arising are not of the same nature as anything else - that is, also empty, also arising by themselves, not me, not mine, and so forth. If all perceptions, experiences, etc have the same fundamental nature, what difference does it make what happens to arise? If one wants one kind of experience over another, who is it who is wanting that? What sensations make up the experience of "wanting"? Who is labeling some experiences as negative and others as positive? Are those sensations (wanting, labeling, etc.) not also of the same nature as any other sensations?

If the negativity from which the thoughts are springing is the result of craving / aversion (I.e. the evidence for the presence of either) then I would suggest that although they are of the same nature as everything else, on some level (knowingly or not) something in you is not accepting what is. Seeing the tension as evidence of the issue at hand rather than as the problem may prove to be a more useful strategy.

The irony of meditation is that, with practice, we get better at conceptualizing ever subtler aspects of our experience.

"We should not ask 'How do I stay awake?' Instead we should ask 'How is it that I am unenlightening myself? How is it specifically that I am putting myself back in the illusion?" -- Adyashanti - The End of Your World

Any practice other than a couple of minutes of shamata to settle down thoughts then opening up to awareness are causing pain/thought loops/contraction cycles.

"Seeing the tension as evidence of the issue at hand rather than as the problem may prove to be a more useful strategy. "

mumuwu: I had to let this statement marinate for a few days for it to start to sink in. Thank you for this pointer.