DanielThorson Practice Thread

Hey all, this is my second attempt at starting a regular practice journal here. Finally I'm back in a situation with regular access to a computer so hopefully I can keep it up for a little while. Here's some background information:
I've sat ten Goenka courses, 9 ten days and a 20 day. Seven of those courses have been in the past year or so. I've been sitting 2+ hours a day for the last two years. My practice is primarily noting with some breath concentration and kasina practice. Lately I've also been doing ten minutes of spinal breathing ala AYP ( www.aypsite.org/41.html ) because it really seems to prep my system for solid meditation.
My self-diagnosis is that I've been spending the past year or so in Equanimity, not so clear for myself about the difference between low/medium/high equanimity but the territory seems vast so I'm just trying to do my best. I'll be headed back to live at a Goenka center sometime in September to take another swing at Stream Entry and hopefully I can use this journal as an opportunity to refine my practice before that time, as internet access isn't allowed at the center.

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August 24, 10 min spinal breathing, 10 min breath, 40 noting

Concentration pretty strong and lots of peace, pleasantness and openness in the body. Never completely lost object of concentration though thoughts were still doing there thing. Inclined mind to 1st jhana and spent some time there before starting to note.

Note tension in the chest, sadness, sleepiness, tension in chest softening and turning into vibrations then back into tension. Eventually (maybe 15 min into noting) attention moves up into the head and widens. Noted calmness, light generally pleasant or neutral vibrations, spacing out, thinking, sleepiness. Lots of zoning out. At times the sense of subject became the center of attention, saw it vibrating doing it's thing. Noted effort, relaxing, openness.

Aug 24, 20 min breath, 35 min noting

Concentration a little bit weaker due to general sleepiness. Difficulty staying on the object with much consistency. Rode on some pleasant raptures/peace/contentment which cleared my mind for insight.

Noting started with tension/discomfort in chest which quickly turned into vibrations. Attention then went to the head and spread out. Lots of sleepiness, zoning out. Noted calm, spaciousness, openness, relaxing. Headspace is very vibrational. Vibrations are mostly on the pleasant side of neutral. I think my tendency in the past has been to zero in too close on the vibrations (particularly in my 3rd eye, which often gets super vibrational) instead of maintaining a panoramic focus. However the panoramic focus seems to require a good deal more concentration so I'm going to reintroduce kasina practice in my daily sits.

Best to stay technique focused (noting at a certain rate, on a certain number of foundations of mindfulness for a certain period of time) rather than trying for things such as "panoramic focus" or trying to dissolve tension. The thing is, is that various types of focus, depth / frequency of vibrations, etc. are associated with various strata of the mind. You are looking for a pattern that is already there and as such you shouldn't be associating particular states with success and others with failure because some of the nastiest states are further along, in terms of development, than some of the nicer more impressive ones (A&P for example).

That being said, good work - it sounds like you are making good progress and getting results.

Best of luck!

"Best to stay technique focused (noting at a certain rate, on a certain number of foundations of mindfulness for a certain period of time) rather than trying for things such as "panoramic focus" or trying to dissolve tension. The thing is, is that various types of focus, depth / frequency of vibrations, etc. are associated with various strata of the mind. You are looking for a pattern that is already there and as such you shouldn't be associating particular states with success and others with failure because some of the nastiest states are further along, in terms of development, than some of the nicer more impressive ones (A&P for example)."

I hear what you're saying Muwuwu, and it's certainly something I've struggled with in my practice. What used to happen when I just noted whatever arose in center stage is that my attention would inevitably go to my head (my third eye) and stay there with the vibrations that manifested there, and would get very one pointed on those sensations which seem to change in vibration rate but never pass away completely. From what I've read as far as advice for navigating equanimity you want to find your way to a panoramic focus and watch everything happen at once. It seems like the 'just noting' doesn't lead to this as much and there has to be a little bit of a preference towards allowing a more panoramic focus. What do you think of this?

As the mind transitions from the dukkha nanas to equanimity one finds oneself in an already panoramic awareness. It's not really something you choose.

Stay with the vibrations and watch how they change in feel over time. Do you notice that they are pleasant transitioning to something else as you go along perhaps?

Point taken about the 'not something you choose' aspect. I guess what I mean is that I was sort of 'choosing' a less panoramic focus by not allowing my attention to widen. When I sort of back off or just allow more my attention naturally opens up but because of this bad habit I learned I sort of have to do it it a bit more consciously. Does this make sense?

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August 25 sit, 10 min spinal breathing, 20 min kasina, 30 min noting

Working with kasina definitely improved my concentration for noting. I think twenty minutes of kasina in the morning makes a huge difference for the rest of the day.

As soon as I closed my eyes and started noting vibrations were obvious. Mostly neutral with some unpleasantness in the heart center. Noted interest, calm, excitement. Attention moved up to the more prominent vibrations in my head and spread out. Vibrations all seemed very 'soft' or diffuse, almost hard to pin down like they were dreamy. Almost like my mind was dull or my focus was off but I don't think this was the case. Concentration was good and rarely got lost in thought and noted spacing out as soon as it arose. Noted effort, joy, peace, openness. Sensations that seemed associated with the sense of self would pop into the foreground and dissolve. Would note excitement in relationship to this. Need to make sure and note 'boredom' and 'mapping' in future sits.

Aug 25, 20 min breath, 40 min noting.

Concentration decent. Lots of piti and peace but actually prefer just being with breath because piti is sort of annoying--it's just too much.

Noting similar to previous session. Very forgetful like I barely remember sitting. Pretty much just vibrations, spacing out, calm. One period of lots of joy, expectation. Also noted lots of tension pressure on 3rd eye.

If you focus on piti enough you should get sukha (joy) arising. If you focus on joy this will lead to a calming of the mind/body.

"If you focus on piti enough you should get sukha (joy) arising. If you focus on joy this will lead to a calming of the mind/body."

What's a good way to distinguish between piti and sukha?

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August 25 sit, 5 min kasina, 25 min noting, 25 min nap, 30 min noting

Kasinad for a bit but felt like jumping into noting. Lots of spacing out and sleepy drop-outs. Saw that sleepiness wasn't curable through insight so decided to take a nap. Took 25 min nap while trying to keep my awareness in the body as best I could and then did another 30 minutes of noting.

Noted vibrations, tension and unpleasent vibrations in the chest. Awareness then shifted to the head area. Noted boredom, manipulation, peace, ease, tiredness, vibration. Vibrations behind eyes would sometimes get more intense then drop off. Noted wanting to stop meditating but not much sffering with it. Lots of peace but still feel sort of dazed or absent-minded during and after sit.

August 26, 10 min sbp, 10 min kasina, 40 min noting

Concentration very effortless. Some thoughts pull me away but only briefly.

Noting soft, pervasive vibrations. Everything is vibrational as soon as I begin insight. Noted calm, boredom, doubt, peace. Towards the end of the sit was struck by the realization that the sensations I take to be self (the subject, observer etc) are no different in experience than any other sensations. This led to an upwelling of energy and joy.

Is it possible that I'm passing all the way up to equanimity via spinal breathing and kasina? It seems by the time I start insight I'm already where I consider to be equanimity...

August 27, 10 min sbp, 10 min kasina, 40 min noting

Vibrations soft and diffuse everywhere in my awareness. Felt very 'normal' and sort of boring. Noted calm, peace, vibrations, vibrations, vibrations. Seems like not much is happening. Need to be better bout noting "manipulating" or "trying" because I keep trying to turn on sensations that I think will make me pop (sensations of self behind eyes back of head etc). Did a bit of self-inquiry. Noted sleepiness. Sit went by very quickly and smoothly, could have sat for longer.

August 27, 20 min breath, 40 min noting

I think I'm getting a better sense of 2nd Jhana. When piti dies down and I just feel sort of peaceful and happy. Seems remarkably unremarkable although sometimes the happiness would get really strong and it would feel really good (but not in the same way as the piti in 1st).

Sleepy meditation again. Meditation is boring! Noted boredom, drifting, sleepiness. Awareness is pretty effortless and wide. Can't shake sense that I'm missing something (noted doubt). Feels like mind states are pretty steady in equanimity. Basically cycle between calm, peace, sleepiness, doubt but really seems pretty stable. Few impulses to leave meditation towards end of sit I think as a result of sleepiness/boredom. Sense that I'm doing something wrong because sitting is too easy and not much seems to be happening.

August 27, 20 min breath, 30 min insight

Built up concentration by hanging out in the 1st and what I now think is the 2nd jhana for twenty minutes then noted up to EQ. Then, based on some helpful dharma advice, proceded to let go. I just sat for about 30 minutes while reality continued on just fine without me. Was pretty remarkable how little actually changed, if anything concentration was better and my awareness was more complete despite letting go of concentrating and trying to be aware. Cool!

August 28th, 10 min sbp, 10 min breath, 30 min insight

Concentration sort of weak, as usual for me in the morning.

Noted vibrations up to EQ, got some momentum, and then let go. When I noticed that I was getting too dull or distracted I would note for a little while and then let go again. It seems this method allows me to witness subtle aspects of my experience normally concealed by the act of noting or trying the be mindful.

Hi Daniel.
Thanks for these great reports. Your dedication is really inspiring. Best of luck with your practice!

August 28, 20 min kasina, 35 min insight

20 minutes of kasina got my concentration pretty strong.

Noted for maybe six or seven minutes then let go. Whenever I caught myself trying to manipulate my experience I would say the word 'trust' and just come back to a state of non-interference. It's very liberating to just sit without expecting anything, to just allow whatever happens to happen. I do worry that my mind is wandering too much or that my awareness isn't refined enough but presumably as this process continues those things will sort themselves out.

"Hi Daniel.
Thanks for these great reports. Your dedication is really inspiring. Best of luck with your practice!"

Thanks Jgroove. Journaling is such great way of leveraging the power of community. Even though I'm all alone here in upstate New York I feel like I'm part of a sangha.

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August 28, 10 min kasina, 10 min breath, 35 min insight

Concentration strong. Spent about 8 minutes luxuriating in what I believe is 2nd jhana, which seems way more sustainable then 1st jhana. I experience 2nd jhana as like a well of subdued joy coming out of my chest. Where 1st jhana is like the extreme pleasure of being a ten year old on Christmas, 2nd jhana is like the quiet joy of seeing an old friend. At least that's the analogy my mind produced.

Noted for probably eight or nine minutes then dropped technique. When I noticed substantial spacing out would note back into the game (this happened two or three times in thirty minutes). Got the sense of being on balance board trying to use as little effort as possible and allowing the process to run itself. Also got a really strong sense that the movement of attention itself is just another causal process playing itself out in awareness. Cool!

August 28, 10 min sbp, 10 min breath, 40 min insight

Noted for maybe ten minutes then let go of technique. Much less spacing out this time. Oodles of vibrations. Lots of brown and crown activity along with a few big upwellings of energy along with joy and excitement. All of this was experienced with very strong equanimity. Vibrations are getting much more...pervasive? Unified? I don't know--somethings going on and I assume it's a good thing. Keep on keepin on.

August 28, 30 min breath, 40 min insight

Annica! Concentration pretty weak, lots of sleepiness, dullness. Noted for awhile then let go into the depths of sleepiness. Pretty uneventful sit. Just watching, watching, watching...

August 29th, 10 min sbp, 15 min breathing, 35 min insight

Really peaceful sit. Concentration was a little weak, but stronger then usual for a morning sit. Not much to report, just incredible feeling of peace and presence...although at the time it felt pretty unremarkable.

Sat for three more hours today. All three sits pretty similar. Lots of sleepiness but very little suffering. Lots of drop outs. Experienced mild agitation at being sleepy and felt like I wasn't making progress etc. Vibrations are very soft, almost imperceptible. Lots of peace. Everything is OK!

Realize that the most important element of a strong meditation is getting enough sleep.

Must get to sleep earlier!

Sounds like really consistent practice. I think you are right that the Equanimity/equanimity-like experiences can be many and vast. It's still a nana, still lots of stuff that can be noted (vibrations, rate of vibrations, strength of vibrations, sleepiness, peace, dropouts, frustration/agitation, etc.). No suggestions, just best wishes!

Ditto the above. This sounds excellent. It sounds like you have good opportunities to sit, take advantage while you can, life has a habit of getting in the way.

Thanks for the encouragement and support! Yes I'm quite lucky to have this opportunity and trying hard not to take it for granted. Thanks for the reminder to investigate all the different aspects of vibrations. I often forget basic things like this.

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August 30, 5 min kasina, 15 min breath, 10 min insight

Quick sit this morning. Consistently pleasant but doing a good job of not getting embedded in it. Really relaxing the effort as per advice gotten and it's really changing the dynamic of my sits. Amazing how much effort I was exerting in my sits before, how much less effort I am using now and how little of a difference it has made in terms of the concentration and mindfulness/awareness in my practice. Growing recognition that I am no longer meditating but that meditation is just happening.

Your sittings sound similar to mine--lots of spaciness and sleepiness, dream stuff alternating with vibrations. I don't want to overdraw the comparison, but from what people are telling you you're in Equanimity--which I think is where I am as well. I've found it's hard to get used to changes; I get adjusted to a certain result in meditation and get the idea that it's going to stay that way. All the best to you.

(typo edit)