Roberts Practice Journal

Greetings. Starting a practice log here to help my momentum and to share my experience as all of your journals, thoughts and words have contributed immensely to my practice and life.

Background: Sat six ten day vipassana retreats over the last four years which instructed body scanning. The last two retreats I progressed past Arising and Passing Away. This was after I discovered Kenneth Folk Dharma, Daniel Ingrams book and, later on, the Hamilton Project. These last two retreats I was primarily body scanning but I had an entirely different attitude (which is everything, eh?). My off cushion time was devoted to noting, on cushion I scanned. It really was powerful to sustain momentum off cushion and by noting I was able to do that - the daydreaming, planning and "downtime" (laziness) stopped!

So next week I start a ten day service period and then I begin a twenty day retreat soon afterwards. Work would not have allowed me 30 days off (out of vacation time - used for past retreats, haha) so I resigned from my job (i had saved up eight months living expenses). It all wasn't due to dark nights, that may have contributed (to my resignation) but i feel i have been living dn stuff since my teen years anyway. the fear (of not finding a suitable job in 8 months) was there but i had resolved to get stream entry during the 20 day. i believe it was in mctb where i read "make sure you have a life you want to come back too"; that rang loud and clear as i contemplated my over controlling job, horrendous commute and lack of a healthy balanced life. so yes, right now and for the foreseeable future i am living my dream life.

So may i summon the wisdom to make best use of it.

thanks for reading.

sat one hour today, first 1/2 struggled with drowsiness but in time energy increased and i noted continuously the last half of the sit. i usually concentrate w breath at the nostril. noted mostly neutral sensations and breath. trying to get better at noting the mental aspects of emotions, i think these are mind states, my vocabulary is limited as i note 'missing' because i can't always identify emotions readily.

Welcome and all the best to you. I look forward to reading reports of your progress.

to get momentum sat for two hours w 15 min walking med between. used kasina (back of phone/timer) for ten min then breath. started scanning, got access concentration (that is as far as my concentration goes). started noting, mostly sensations but a lot of recalling thoughts and planning thoughts. sensations become subtle and very quick, all over, like hundreds random twinkling christmas lights, neutral, some pleasant, occasionally itchy or sting. old familiar pains creep into back areas, towards end of two hour entire body mass of misery, cut off circulations, anxiety in muscles and mind, noted all, equanimity quite strong.

Welcome Robert! We'll be following your accounts.

"I had an entirely different attitude (which is everything, eh?)"

It really is! And it sounds like you've understood the main "attitude adjustment" that makes pratice take off, which is consistency and momentum.

I'll add this: at least in my experience, 'consistency' is a bigger factor than 'intensity' in building momentum.

I say this, because I believe that when you practice with this kind of powerful commitment, there will come a time, later on, when you'll want to, or be forced to, ease up- not just because other commitments start to conflict with your formal practice and retreat-time, but also because, for the sake of your practice, "surrender" to things-as-they-are starts to be more important than technique.

If and when you feel that pull, don't worry that you are losing your commitment or slowing your progress- just keep things going at whatever rate that you can sustain each day.

In the meantime, it sounds like you've carved out some time to do some really great practice, and I wish you much success!

Thx for the welcome JLC and Rob, and i'll keep your advice handy as this process unfolds, it makes sense now that you point it out but probably not so obvious in the intensity of a committed practice, so i appreciate the advice.

2 hrs again tried starting with walking meditation 15 minutes then onto the cushion and i fell asleep! my timer chimes every 15 minutes, helps keep me on track, so i did some kasina practice at the 1/2 hr mark and then moved on to breath then vipassanna. same entry as #3 mostly but also starting to note more subtle (for me) mind states for instance with the hardness/pain that materializes up my back in these initial nanas i noted the intention to investigate the boundaries of the pain whereas before i would have just investigated. in second hour energy levels come up, i think doing two one hours back to back is more effective for me than an am and pm sit.

sat for 2 hr broken up with 15 min walking. it takes me sometime to acquire energy in these sits. the last hour had good concentration, noted every 1 to 5 seconds, last 20 minutes things got really quiet, very content and concentrated, tried to note but 'missing, missing', things were too subtle but i sensed something there. at one pt. i saw random images flashing at incredible speed although i could hardly identify them. back pain subsided the last 20 minutes.

On a whim rode up coast to attend this special yoga session that was being filmed. 2 1/2 hr of intensity. I experienced tears of happiness and equanimity shattering pain. later at home 1 hr sit - I can no longer focus on objects, mind is slippery and I now know the donut pt of view. It seems I crossed a and p doing yoga? Something shifted, looking forward to tomorrows sit.

Lots of energy most of 2 hr sit noting roughly every 1 to 3 seconds. Seems vibrations are no longer tingley but more itchy and stabbing like.

Long day, only 1 hour sit before bed. Body sensations not as prevalent, noting lots of random images, some bizarre ones, also confusion and recalling thoughts.

Only 1 hr sit, to much going, fighting cold. Noting slow, mind dull. I do note intention, maybe to swallow, and when I do swallow and note that I do four other things. Haaha, tricky mind doesn't want me to note all it is up too. Heading to retreat center tomorrow, 5 hr drive, I'll try to maintain awareness n note. 3 one hr mandatory sits a day, I'll try to post here next two weeks while serving.

Back from the retreat center for the ten day vipassana course service period, brief trip report:

was asked to be course manager which got me out of the kitchen and into the dahmma hall! sat for average of ten hours a day for nine days. i also was responsible of the fifty (relatively low maintenance) male students' needs and enforcement of the rules and schedules (ringing bells etc). tended to some minimal teacher needs and socializing with other service workers in kitchen during meal times/staff meetings. This gave me opportunities to investigate why momentum is so important in a retreat setting. I didn't get continuity of practice but i did gather some insights that will help me in my upcoming 20 day retreat. practice blog to follow.

10 Service Period Practice Notes:

Day 1/2: Fighting low energy. Concentration weak. average ten hours/day on cushion but not much productive time these two days except the last few hours day 2 where with tremendous energy i was finally able to get into useful vipassana practice. in past i heard teacher say the first days of a retreat we are going through a type of detox of the mind.

Day 3: Fighting thoughts on and off cushion that are sapping my momentum. Morning sittings fighting low energy, afternoons/evenings energy levels come up.

Day 4: With intention and increasing concentration getting handle on spurious thoughts on and off cushion. Morning energy still weak but by applying considerable effort find i overcome this.

Day 5: Still fighting energy, choose not to eat dinner with staff - some insanely talented cooks spoil staff members with special dishes and desserts - finally in evening reach A and P (territory).

Day 6: All morning chilling in what I thought was dissolution but realize in afternoon I was still pre A n P. Using scanning, some noting. Off cushion difficult to maintain awareness, numerous distractions and duties.
...continued below....

Day 7/8: Subtle flowing sensations and bright lights most of day via scanning. Scanning morphs into pushing vibrational energy around body and through chakras. Spend time clearing right side of body of blockages by continuously directing energy up/down body and limbs. energy moves freely by evening but still no AnP event (Historical Note: in the past two retreats two events: the entire material body dissolved into vibrational energy and i sensed interference patterns within the traveling waves throughout the body, next mooring awoke was in dissolution as far as i can tell).

Day 9: In last nights discourse realized my birds' wings (equanimity/awareness) are unbalanced, it can't fly past A and P. Reflection brings me to the conclusion that (my style of) scanning is not allowing my awareness to become subtle enough to progress. There is too much i am missing. Go exclusively to noting.

Day 10: Noting comes on line, feel i am progressing, definitely in A n P territory and seeing more and more sublime processes but retreat ends

3 one hour sit today, concentrate on touch of breath on upper lip, within 10 minutes sensations start there and i go to noting. lots of flowing vibrations on face and arms, feet and some on legs, back, neck. bright lights are noted, sometimes blazing white, just keep trying to note as best i can. able to sit without changing positions for the hour. do 5 minutes of metta after sits.

2 1/2 hr in two sits. am sit somewhat like last post. Tonight was strange in that there was a lot of thoughts that took over. Later on I realized at end of out breath I could distinctly feel pulsing heart beat
and it seemed this sensation brought on anxiety or perhaps fear? Also have tension in left side diaphragm that I associate with anxiety. Noting not so strong tonight, unrelated?, sit was interrupted by long phone conversation w a friend w relationship problems. Sit felt like a storm.

1hr am 2 hr pm sit. Intensity of amount of sensations one after another has eased up considerable. As w the lights. Noting as best I can, energy strong. 1/2 way through 2 hr sit that fear response at end if out breath returned, as if there is fear of being out of air.

Last two days sat for 2 1/2 hours each, am and pm sits. Really trying to be more precise w my noting. Also striving to note at least every 5 seconds or more, depending on what is arising. Thoughts have been problematic at times. mctb says this can occur in dissolution, as soon as I can I note em and they clear.

Two one hour sits, am and pm. Once I get concentrated on breath start noting. Nothing much to report except have experienced periodic jerky body movements that are not intended the last 3 days during sits. Awareness has improved, best when I listen for ships on the harbor, haha, thanks Kenneth!

1 hr noon sit and 2 hr evening. Noting mostly, thoughts not such a problem (but still lurking). Sometimes I spaceout for moments. At end of 1st 1/2 2 hr sit I get up brush teeth etc n try to note continuously. practice for 20 day. End of second hour breath became very refined, slow, sensations undetectable or not arising.

1 1/2 hr sit (outside) at dusk. Last 1/2 felt I fell into a Jhana like state, kept noting, easy to see arisings and passings. Very pleasant sit. Mind very concentrated.

1 hr am 1 1/2 hr pm sit. Concentrate on breath readily go to noting. Lots of tingling sensations on truck, back & limbs, sometimes hard to keep up. Later in sits, as concentration deepens, enhanced tranquility brings on some dreaminess qualities that I try and maintain notings in spite of but invariably there are gaps.

1 1/2 hr. sit tonight. Zoning out is become an issue, I stop noting. To chilled out, sat late tonight after a late dinner. Making excuses, I'll see how tomorrow goes.

1&2Hr sit, am then pm. After rreading mctb a n p section I'm observing cycling w breath. During the sensation blitz part of cycle easy to be aware and note. In the quiet portion of cycle is where my awareness diminishes. Turning up the effort I'm starting to note my mind becoming unaware and/or entering into daydreams which can be quite subtle. So I'll keep turning the gain up on awareness if/when possible.

Just want to throw something out there bc it comes up at times. My screen name has nothing to do w me thinking I'll make fast progress. Ha, someone who has lived with such a stupendous amount of ignorance as I have expects this to be a long road. Rocketbuddha derives from my primary career of rocket systems testing at federal and private labs. I escaped twice now from that rat race, long story. My vocation, art, has evolved over time as exploring the clash of western and eastern sciences - in the last year paintings and installations of technology contrasted with Buddhist imagery. Just want to get that sensation off my chest!

2 hr sit before bed. Getting better at recognizing subtle mind states and points of departure from awareness. It is tricky but very feasible to catch these, although I need to develop sharper skills in this area. For instance I'll catch 'my' mind in some daydream carrying on a conversation w imaginary actors and I realize I have no idea what is being discussed. I drop it right there. Mind seems to get bored w raw expiences, I agree (as I read this on another practice journal). Most useful I started asking 'who am I?' as suggested by kenneth, especially when catching mind unaware. This leads to more awarness and a very subtle creepy feeling! Love that.