Roberts Practice Journal

Finished 20 Day Retreat!! I will post highlights from my practice journal, but since it is so long here is a.......

Summary: On Day 6 of this twenty day retreat I got stream entry! It was very bizarre as I zipped by all nanas after misery. I can not explain this. Then I was in the review process. On Days 10/11 I enter a long cycle and spend a lot time working through A and P/Dissolution. On Day 12 I have a fruition that, in it's aftermath, felt like a path. It shifted things more than the original path moment, so I do not know what that was. Day 15/16/17 work through another A and P and up eventually to a hard earned fruition. The rest of the retreat I dwell as witness which involves one last very bizarre A and P nana workout.

D1: made light kasina, noting during walking to dining hall/dorm and on cushion. no formal walking meditation allowed here, 11 hours a day sitting meditation typically one hour and then a brief break (walk to bathroom and back takes over ten minutes)
D2: interesting effects w kasina indicates i am getting more concentrated. I use the kasina the first ten minutes of a sit and then close my eyes and go to the breath.
D3: morning (4:30 am) and after meal sits hard to concentrate, fight drowsiness. vow to eat less. i am working up to interesting A and P territory.

D4: In A and P and things are cycling. Think I hit peak (event) and then things get all chilled and tranquil, but hours later things start to peak again. This is a lot of work and I am getting tired, feel like I keep slipping back as I never knew A and P nana cycles like this. The chill part of the cycle is really hard to navigate for me. On a good note realize I can access two Jhanas. Start doing some yen yoga at lunch, holding poses for five minutes or longer while focusing on the sensations (which are rather unpleasant).
D5: A and P cycling all morning and right before lunch a particularly intense peak with incredible visuals. After lunch more A and P stuff that fizzles upon arising, so I realize i had the a and p event! i keep working, 4 hours into this realize I have 3 Jhanas. Noting style as Kenneth suggests expect I add location: pleasant sensation right ear, unpleasant sensation left foot, etc'¦ i do this non stop or else, for a break, i rest on the breath.

D6: Working on dissolution all morning. I see why they say it is slippery but i redouble my efforts when things get too chilled/tranquil or weird. After lunch I hit fear and it is amazing, the tempo, velocity of non stop images, sensations, very intense but i note it all. left side of diaphram muscle very sore due to hours of fast/sharp breathing patterns. Slipped into misery during evening group sit (breath pattern shifts signal new nana). After the evening discourse i retire to my room to meditate. I start in misery and soon sense shift into disgust, which only lasted for a few breaths (as i recall) and i shift to d for d, then to resobservation and three shifts in equanimity and my head pulls back sharply. All this happens within minutes. My head is back for a long time while i struggle to figure out what is needed as i feel something big wants to happen but can't. Finally my attention grasps onto a throbbing vein sensation in my toe and that is when i experience path moment exactly as MCTB explains it for when emptiness predominates combined with impermanence (as i had 3 distinct movements each with an unforgettable visual image). i go to bed but lay awake for a long time in a very surreal state of mind.
D7: 4:30 am sit realize i am cycling whenever i investigate sensations. when i look in mirror i break into spontaneous laughter! it was a great time for me, my smile in mirror reads like a joyful child (understand i can not recall the last time i smiled when looking at a mirror). all day i hit the nanas that i flew by the prior evening when i am working, otherwise mostly just blissed out.

D12: After breakfast I cycle up to a point where my head pulls back but no fruition. I take an hour of reviewing theory (dependent origination, shankaras as preconditions, anything i can recall), looking at sensations, wondering wtf'¦.and still no fruition. I end up, if it makes sense, settling the conscious mind into the subconscious, like a kiss, then a fruition. I am so blissed out, i leave my cell and go to my room and stare at the walls for two hours in perfect tranquility. very few thoughts arise and those don't stick. lunch bell rings, i go out and notice, via my shadow, that my arms are swinging differently when i walk! strange, like two synchronized pendulums. my mind is so calm. after lunch stare at walls more and fall asleep with bizarre dreams. can not call up any nanas so i work on jhanas.
D13: Best nights sleep ever, vivid dreams. smile in mirror no long child like joy but more warm and wise. there seems to have been a second shift. most of the day i review cycles and exploring jhanas.
D14: Review cycles/jhanans. One review cycle took 40 minutes but mostly they are under a minute unless i want to extend them purposely.
D15: No longer can cycle so i get back to work noting,

D8: Cycles start off about 20 minutes a piece and end the day under a minute. i can extend nanas that i want to review in more detail, again hitting misery to high equanimity the most. also start investigating jhana 4 through 8 as i realize i have access to all eight!
D9: Review some articles i brought printouts of - easing in jhanas and actualizing jhanas. the first one i can work with and it helps on cushion and interesting enough, in yoga, am able to open parts of the body so easily by jhana jumping, i let go of muscle tensions that i can not even perceive are holding on, incredible.
D10: In morning discover i can no longer cycle. i get back to work and all day into the evening working through a and p territory. during evening group sit i start experiencing intense waves of energy buildup and flow up through crown chakra. during that last ten minutes of the hour sit experience six strong a and p fruitions (double dip out breath).
D11: All morning more a and p cycles, ending before lunch with intense fruitions, less than ten, each one stronger. the last one is sublimely perfect and i sense that is the end of this nana. After lunch it is back to digging through dissolution, into the evening. Once i hit fear i am in it for ten minutes before cycling up through equanimity to fruition.

all day and into the evening working up to a and p territory.
D16: Working all morning/day noting into a and p territory again. before evening break a zipper opened in my mind and sensations poured out for over 1/2 hour! i stopped noting them, i was exhausted, and yet they still poured out. it felt very purifying but different from the rounds of a and p fruitions from D10 and 11.
D17: After hours of noting during morning sits my head pulls back and yet no fruition. I keep going in a very subtle state of mind, conscious/subconscious minds seem to hand off controlling of breath without "my" direction? no thoughts enter for 1 1/2 hours, mind seems to extend out into space, breathing has all but stopped. i don't know what is needed to have this fruition. at lunch i read a printout of daniel explaining space/awarness/phenomena (in response to a meditator on a 3 month retreat who had difficulties) and realized all the extending into space feelings where sensations (duh). after lunch, head pulled back again, and i noted the sensations this time and soon had the fruition. i learned a lot over these hours, especially now i know what/where the witness is/resides. play with dwelling as the witness the rest of the day.
D18: Dwell as the witness and investigate jhanans, some cycles and minor fruitions.

D19: Start doing vipassana via the witness and notice when i get into the witness state today the left side of my face tenses up, my jar juts to the right, my left eye wants to open and my left rib cage tenses (and right arm, tongue, left hand). how bizarre and disturbing! so i start noting all these and within a couple hours am having minor a and p fruitions. i keep going and in evening sits these bizarre effects are rapidly dissipating with each fruition. by now i am tired, it takes effort for me to ensure i am in witness state, and all the noting and sitting, but i keep going, the effects have all but disappeared, but mostly i feel spent, and i cycle up through dark nights/equanimity/fruition.
D20: No notes in my journal from the last day of the course.

Hey Robert, sounds like a very productive retreat. Congrats on stream entry!

Thanks John

Congratulations on stream entry! Also, welcome to the family of the Noble Ones (one of the traditional steps of stream entry is Change of Lineage, where you join the lineage of the noble disciples of the buddha)

That is cool, a noble disciple, yes, definitely would not have been possible without Gotuma, I'll gladly fall in line w that dude.

Have been traveling the past weeks, thanksgiving w family, hanging with friends in los angeles, now i'm on a three week visit in the Philippines! Over thanksgiving I did work through the first three nanas as some very familiar, distinct and intense pains came to visit for about a week. To get to that point I took a formal resolution to start the new path. Formal practice now is dwelling as the witness as I go up through the eight Jhannas and once I get to the eighth then I start investigating sensations which now brings on A and P fruitions. Once the first one comes others follow automatically, these sessions last maybe 1/2 hour.

back to the journal. i realize more than ever how much work there is to do. things are sticky, mostly unfruitful habits - they have trickled back to haunt my moments. I feel the calling to get back to a dedicated practice on a cushion (as opposed to 30 minutes laying in bed before i get up).

i'll start a new practice journal "Roberts Practice Journal II"