Stream Entry or Bust

Hello all,

I've been following many of these threads for several months, and they've helped me a lot. I did a couple of Goenka retreats 8 and 9 years ago, and came across MCTB about two years ago, but never managed a regular practice until seeing so many people actually making progress. So, thank you all for the inspiration.

There's something daunting about committing these things to writing, but here's my first meditation journal entry:

The most significant development lately seems to be meditating in sleep, or at least while falling asleep and just before waking. Sometimes I have actually been noting thoughts and mind states, and other times seem to be just dreaming about meditating.

I had an hour long sit yesterday in the afternoon, and a half hour in the morning. Typical notes include: tingling in forehead, warmth, pleasant, future thought, images, planning, rising, falling, pressure in head, pleasant, vibration, peaceful, metta, then off into some fantasy. I'm getting better at noting the content of the day dreams as I come back from them. They tend to include narcissism, hostility, fear, insecurity, argument, rationalizing. Very verbal.

Today, while up and about, I've been applying mindfulness in the form of the statement 'not self.' Making eggs, not self. Brushing teeth, not self. Etc. It's funny that 'not self' has become an almost banal truth while sitting, but seemed a bit surprising in daily life. Practicing in these moments has been a real challenge for me, and that seems to be improving.

At one time, I was having long, pleasant sits, that seemed to fit the idiot's guide description of Equanimity. But now I feel like I'm more in the 1st and 2nd stages. Not sure. Concentration has been mediocre so it's hard to say.

Jason

"I'm getting better at noting the content of the day dreams as I come back from them. They tend to include narcissism, hostility, fear, insecurity, argument, rationalizing. Very verbal. "

This is the right way to go Jason. Pure honesty. Keep noticing all this until you can notice the narcissism, hostility, fear, etc. (as well happiness, enthusiasm, euphoria, etc.) as it happens. They way to achieve this is by making noting a lifestyle.

Good to see you here Jason.

" They way to achieve this is by making noting a lifestyle."

Thanks for this pithy advice.

Sat for one hour. After my initial entry here, I realized that my noting has had an edge of too much effort and strain lately. I calmed down a bit, which seemed to help concentration a lot. A lot of neck stiffness and pain was present. I also noted peace, stillness, searching, waiting. I tried to examine the peace and stillness, and noted that I was pushing it, wanting more from it. Also noted lots of tingling and warmth in the whole head, very pleasant. I listened for the ships in the harbor, and felt concentration deepen. I noted sounds of neighbors and my dog, but was not distracted.

Another one hour sit. Very quiet and peaceful almost from the start. I played, "I wonder what the next thought will be," which seemed more appropriate and useful than noting. Had a lot of strong tingling sensations in my whole head, especially the center of the fore head and at the crown. Also still pain and stiffness in the neck. After about half an hour, outside noises became more intrusive. I did notice some irritation at the periphery, but the sense of stillness held firm... until, that is, about the final ten minutes. I finally just laughed. My dog was licking the air like a maniac. I switched to metta for a few, then went back to "I wonder..."

Also, during the first half, I was noticing some anxiousness for progress, which I tried to ground.

20 minute sit. Mind was dull and tired. Noted rising and falling of the breath. Noted sensations at forehead and crown. Tried to notice how I sense tiredness. Noted peacefulness, coldness. Notes came very slowly. Listened for ships. Felt more present than in the past when tired.

As I practice noting more throughout the day, I'm realizing how much time I spend reading, whether in books, printouts, or on the web. A few hours, probably. Not sure how to apply mindfulness while reading.

Slow day at the office, so I had the chance to do 5 or 6 brief sits, 10-15 minutes each. Continued noting tingling in forehead and crown and a sense of peace and dullness. No more neck pain today. Also, I was noting a lot of tiredness as I did not sleep well last night. After reading some more threads here I decided to do some samatha practice, which I almost never do. I seemed to go only a little beyond access concentration. I don't know much about jhanas. But that was enough to give me more energy for the rest of the day. Better than caffeine or even naps!

20 minutes this morning, and several short sits throughout the day. Concentration is getting better, less wandering thoughts. I'm noting fewer coarse, negative mind states, but a more continuous subtle anxiety. On further reflection the anxiety seems to be from resisting the present moment. Wanting something else. Also, since increasing my practice times, I've been feeling kind of brain dead. Not sure if there is a connection. Maybe it's the season setting in? When I have more then five or ten minutes to sit, I can get pretty quickly to a quiet space, noting falls away, and I'm examining the sense of self.

Practiced only briefly over the week end, continued noting through the day with limited success, but definitely more mindfulness. No sign of the sense of self disappearing, but I'm beginning to think of "him" as a kind of roommate. Noting lust and lustful thoughts, and how those things differ. A lot of it is more a mental habit than a physical drive.

Sat for a half hour this morning, beginning with a few minutes of shamatha, then straight to investigating peacefulness, tingling in forehead and crown, warmth, pleasantness, attachment to pleasantness, second gear a little, but more examining the sense of the watcher. Sensing the self in the head, in the heart center... Am I doing this right?

It sounds like you have a lot of good momentum here. I like your title, "Stream Entry or Bust." I'd pinch it if it weren't already taken!

I, too wish I could figure out how to maintain mindfulness while reading, because I do so much of it. I'm trying to cut out the reading that isn't necessary, but it's hard because it's such a longstanding habit.

" I like your title, "Stream Entry or Bust." I'd pinch it if it weren't already taken!

"

That's funny because I was trying to change it. Thought maybe it didn't reflect "right view."

30 minute sit. Less focused, more back pain. Noted coarse sensations, tightness, aching, numbness, pressure, tingling. Noted distraction, money thoughts, images, future thoughts, analytical thoughts, memories. Also noted noise distractions. Noted strong tingling in forehead.

I didn't practice yesterday. I practiced Thursday briefly. I notice my during-the-day practice weakens very fast without sitting. Today, I set my timer for 90 minutes, but dozed for the first 20. Then sat with racing thoughts, followed by spacious, peaceful, dullness. Pleasant tingling in crown and forehead continues. I wish I could take a month and get down to business. Alas, I plod ahead.

I've only practiced in dribs and drabs since Thanksgiving. Noted aloud for an hour while driving on Wednesday. Lots of gross sensations such as aching, tightness; and negative mindstates such as anxiety and loneliness.

Today I sat for 40 minutes when I really would rather have napped. I began with counting 3 x 10 breaths. After that I felt the familiar strong tingling sensations in forehead and crown, but then the pull of sleep became the focus. Rather than give in and nap, I noted torpor, dullness, heaviness, and tingling everywhere. Some of the processes of actual sleep seemed to occur. There is a kind of body rapture, more quiet and dulling than a normal vipassana rapture. I also noticed a welling of chaotic thoughts wanting to take over, presumably the material for an incipient dream. I felt I could balance right on the edge of sleep. There seems to be a trick the body does to turn off waking consciousness with this pleasant body sensation, dullness, than a tidal wave of chaotic mental objects. I wasn't able to note much in this state, but stayed mindful, and seemed to reap to some extent the benefits of a nap.

Wishing for more time to practice.

40 minutes this morning. I got straight to a state of relatively quiet stillness pretty much right away. Still prone to distraction though. Noted the tingling in the head, noted eagerness, desire. Looked for the self, noted searching. Waited to see what the next thought would be.

1 hour sit this morning. Narrative thought was very persistent. I wondered what was propelling it. I noticed wish-fulfillment, pleasure from that; noted the urge for control; noted argument; noted analysis, competition, humor/entertainment. I noted difficulty in staying mindful of thoughts, noted effort and strain. I noted a few moments of peace, tingling in head, spaciousness.

Day off tomorrow. Planning to do several long sits.

Meditation periods are remarkably similar and uneventful. Once I get concentrated, I enter almost immediately into a peaceful, relatively quiet state, with a lot of tingling in the head.

Meditatus interruptus. Distractions within and without. Otherwise, same pattern as usual.

I've been more faithful to my practice than to this journal, but not much. I'll spare you the usual excuses. You all know them, I'm sure.

2 20 minutes sits today. And the same state is right there. I pretty much just close my eyes and... contentment, ease, tingling in the head, sense of spaciousness, sometimes spaciness. I note anything that disrupts that quietness, but mostly just wait (note waiting)...

2.5 hours this morning. Noted coldness, ache, pressure, tingling, agitation, irritation, contentment, space, itching, planning thoughts, argument thoughts, insecurity, antipathy, searching, waiting, listened for ships. Strong tingling in the head throughout this time. Definitely noticed a wider variety of experiences during a longer sit. The equanimity state seems harder to maintain than to reach initially. Or is it just "layers of mind" being exposed?

I sat another 6.5 hours yesterday, and 1.5 so far this morning. (It's good to be a jewbu on xmas). I've really been trying to focus on the process of thoughts arising within EQ, and noticing their subtle beginnings at the periphery. Even when I think it's quiet and I am concentrated, there is usually a hushed scrap of a narrative happening somewhere. Noticing this. I did some "pinging" yesterday with the mantra/koan 'I." Seeing where it would magnetize. Just another way to observe the self.

Overall the sensations in the head are stronger and more pervasive. At one point I had the impression my third eye was "opening" somehow, and there seemed to be a little tunnel of white light, but it was fleeting.

More anon.

Total for yesterday was 7 or 8 hours. I sat a couple hours in total peace and contentment with very few thoughts arising.

This morning so far has been a different story. Normally I'm pretty good with environmental noise, but I sat for 2 hours this morning in a state of extreme irritation, also with a lot of neck pain. What a bizarre, unexpected shift. Maybe I just need breakfast. Anyway, I'd say that qualified as 'misery.'

Also, both yesterday in eq and today in misery, I've had strong urges to stop meditating and do something more fun. Like, I'm missing out on the week end! I want to eat pizza and watch movies. I'm seeing the advantage of being in a more formal retreat, with fewer temptations around.

One more thing: last night I remembered a childhood experience that may have been A+P related. At about age 10 I can remember staring at my face in the mirror and repeating my name until my sense of self disappeared. Then I actually blacked out! I don't think the dark night followed, so it was probably not true A+P. Funny though.

Last couple hours I've clearly been in a dark night kind of stage. Very difficult to concentrate, irritated, urge to quit, barely able to note. One theme that keeps recurring is craving and escapism. Once I hit on that, symptoms seemed to abate somewhat. Most of my experience with the dark night has been letting it run my life while not meditating, besides working thru it on a couple retreats ten years ago. Since starting my practice again 6 months ago, I seem to have been in eq. So, I don't feel like I have a lot of skill with this. Also, I'm wondering if maybe it's counterproductive to meditate this intensively without guidance. Could I actually lose ground?

You're in a tough situation. Without a lot of recent retreat experience, I can see how it might be really difficult to sustain the level of intensity you're shooting for. My own retreat experience consists of a 3-day retreat last May and an 8-day in August. In both cases, I found that the first couple of days in particular were murder (which means I really didn't settle down for the 3-day until about the evening before the last day). There's a period of adjustment on retreat, which the retreat environment helps one to accomplish. Once I got past the shock of drastically reducing my access to outside sources of stimulation, I began to experience the spaciousness of day in-day out meditation time. At home, with all the usual triggers (computer, books, t.v., telephone, etc.), it is hard to replicate that kind of focus. I'm not saying don't try, but it is important to recognize what you're up against. Even on retreat it's possible to "cheat" by sneaking a look at the messages on your cell phone or taking time out to read.

That being said, I don't really see how losing ground is a danger here so much as getting frustrated with yourself, giving up, and then feeling so discouraged that you begin to draw unwarranted conclusions (like "this isn't for me"). As I said, just be realistic about what you're up against. If you choose to dial it down, say just do 4 hours a day and maintain as much mindfulness as possible the rest of the time, that doesn't mean you're a failure or all that hoopla. Think about it: how can anyone who sits for four 4-hour sessions over a period of several days be anything but a serious meditation practitioner? If on the other hand you get through the transition and settle into a retreat-style schedule, that's all to the good as well.

One more thing: getting slammed with dark night experiences without a teacher around is tough, but on guided retreats it's possible to run into teachers that aren't much help either. I spent a good part of the longer retreat in a quasi-dark night stage, then lost momentum when I got home afterward. A part of me thought I'd been such a good girl that I deserved a break. As you can see, there are all sorts of ways our minds can try to nudge us back to business as usual, all of them typical. What happened is I eventually reached equanimity, got complacent, lost momentum, and ended up in the dark night again. As a result of this background I tend to associate dark night with slacking off, not steady practice. I also think the wrong kind of practice can enhance dark night, in which you get agitated and start flogging yourself. Gentle perseverance is my idea of the best policy, however you choose to interpret those words. Take care now.