Robert Practice Journal II

As I said in my first journal (prepath to SE and most likley 2nd Path here: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/47...rts+Practice+Journal ) I feel the need to take up a dedicated practice again, want to progress beyond this sticky state I find myself in. One hour sit this morning noting. Sensations cycling with breath towards end of sit, firework rapid spreadout in limbs and culminated with intense a and p fruition (double dip on out breath). Had two smaller ones after that.

1hr morning sit I think I was in dissolution, slippery mind states, hard to note at times. Evening 1/2 hr on cushion dwelling as witness. I also try to do this, or note, throughout the day with mixed results. My mind gets so embedded in it's blather but I am able to stop it, off cushion, on average once per hour for a few precious moments.

Morning sit was hard, noting difficult and I zone out, maybe dozing off at times. Evening sit starts out with lots of interesting sensations to note but settles down and that's when I stop noting and zone out. I am trying to regain lost momentum and need to be persistent. Reading other practice logs really helps inspire! Thanks.

1 hr morning sit, cycle from a n p to dissolution noting as often as I could. Coffee before sit must have help, dissolution always for me is tricky, but soon I find I am in low equanimity working up! It has been 1 1/2 months, what a mind state! I drop noting and watch it all unfold. A lot of sensations in the center and outer areas of head. Energy builds and I have huge fruition, then two smaller ones. Must be review of current path (1st or 2nd), but it has been so long that it feels significant. Finding witness is now much easier, I now feel I'm back on the ride. Evening sat 45 min dwelling as witness through 8 jhanas, although I lose witness after leaving 6th.

Weekends practice not as regular. No sits Saturday, two hrs. Sunday evening. First w goenka group which I slept through then back home start w a n p sensations everywhere and cycle up to equanimity. Things get really subtle, lots of sensations in temple areas and crown, I drop noting, strobing of visual field, very wide awareness. Spend time here without any intention (for fruition) and then I seem to shift into intense visual images of dark night nanas w anxiety in the chest, flashes of negativity. Body feels nasty. Work through this back into equanimity and leads to very sharp fruition. Reboot takes longer than normal, feel very calm.

1 hr am and pm sit. Morning cycling from a n p to equanimity, back to dark night then back up. End sit in high eq. Evening start a n p and think I got stuck in dissolution, zoned out, fell asleep, came back to noting but not much to note, zoned out.

This mornings sit i was in a and p having rather intense fruitions, strong ones, maybe 20 of them. As i learned in retreat once they start you can drop noting, they will come regardless. Sometimes it was one after another, other times there was a pause and my eyes would cast down, the feeling was one of searching internally, then a new chain of a n p fruitions. This did not culminate in an event like a n p did, after the series of fruitions, when I was working towards se. After the sit I was calmer than I can remember ever being.

Timer didn't go off this morning so I sat for 1 1/2 hrs. Same as yesterday, series of a n p fruitions, this time not as many, less than ten,with more time between secessive fruitions each one sharper with longer durations off-line (compared to yesterdays sit).

This morning sat in van before yoga workshop. Felt I was in a n p. During workshop at one point instructed look at point in body needing attention. I focused on witness spot and five minutes late I had a series of three fruitions. Tonights sit has two a n p friutions then cycled up to equanimity and had two friutions. I am seeing how people state they get sick of cycling, cycles within cycles. I cant be certain if a fruition is from a n p or equanimity. I can't develop nanas long enough to know.

Sits about the same as I've been reporting. My morning sits are noting and in the evening I'm jumping jhanas as the witness. When noting I'll usually have one or more fruitions, although every sit is unique but I'm not getting into all the flavors here. One thing I've noticed is that my abdomen and chests areas are (finally) starting to breaking down into various subtle sensations instead of being two gross masses.

Morning sit started very gross and earthy and ended very sublime, the wheel! Definite flavor of DN nanas this time, felt shifts between nanas clearly. Two more developments worth noting here as I feel they relate to my path. A month or more ago I started having extreme neck pain 24/7. Never had pain in my neck like that. Happy to report it has mostly cleared over the last two weeks. Also a lot of past episodes come up such as old relationships or stupid things I've done/said. A lot, especially upon waking and when I spend quiet hours painting, they just come up but I don't react or feel ignorant, it was in the past. If I'm mindful in that moment I try and locate/note associated sensations.

Up until today I have been strictly noting in my one hour morning sits. Same general results, start in a and p, cycle up through dark knight nanas, equanimity and then have fruition. The whole cycle takes 45 minutes on average. I let things progress naturally without consciously directing things. Today I switched to more of a concentration style approach spending the hour developing the jhanas deeper as I go up the arc. I've read on other practice journals that obtaining 3rd is more of a concentration attainment, that and I also am having difficultly finding the witness during off cushion hours. In that I feel my practice is slipping and feel I need to apply myself more fully. Noting may have become to mechanical as the results are much the same, or I have come to expect such results.

In 1hr morning sits have been developing the jhanas deeper, feel concentration improving. I go up the arc and dwell in each jhana for ten minutes I'd say then will the next one. While in witness I don't feel all the sensations that I did coming off retreat in the 3 rd eye, but I keep at it. Neckaches are back, when I turn my head searing pain. Last two days when I'm out of my cave, for instance during class today, I get judgmental on people and have a overall negative attitude, but I am able to see it some/a lot/most? of the time and catch myself asking "why are you ruining an otherwise perfect moment". Evening sits are in bed and last very little time before I rollover and sleep. Feel the need to add a formal sit in the evening, get additional momentum.

Wow! This morning I felt compelled to note. It's my way of checking in on my 'status' of practice (for example w/in a hour I can determine if I'm working through a particular nana). I started a n p, then dissolution and eventually found myself in equanimity, back to dn nanas, to equanimity, back to a n p, more intense dn.....then I stabilized in equanimity. Then about 45 mins into sit I had a fruition, seemed to be offline longer than usual. I was trying to he very attentive to it's details, as it's been quite a while since I experienced a fruition, and I did not sense a path movement (as described in amazing detail in mctb) So now, six hours later today is definitely a new experience. Thoughts aren't rapid fire, no inclination to read w meal, content to only eat, w very wound up friend complainig on end about economy and I was calm despite disagreements. Top item things aren't sticking in my mind to sap vitality out of moments. So time will tell if I'm on a new path or if I just had a very powerful review fruition.

It has been 1 1/2 weeks w no formal practice. I believe I had a path moment although it was experienced as a stnd fruition. Is only steam entry path moment where one clearly perceives the three doors? In any case I am a lot more grounded throughout the day and do not seem to get wrapped up too much in drama of the mind, although it does happen, it doesn't drag on for hours. So I feel I have to get back too a formal practice, rebuild momentum and see where this leads. I have no job (n no girl friend) and the stress that comes w employment, this can not last forever, so onwards w spiritual questing while I have the isolation that seems to nuture progress.

2 hr sit w goenka group sat and 1 hr sunday. During these sits I either started or I worked up to a n p using noting technique. I then had a series of a n p fruitions. These fruitions have my eyes slamming shut harder and staying off line longer than last paths' rounds of a n p cycles. Also new is having a n p fruitions off cushion, with my eyes open. for instance while cooking and looking inwards at a sensation that arose that seemed to me to be associated with an emotion I was experiencing.

Yesterdays one hour sit was bizarre in that I didn't know where I was but experienced all sorts of shifts and subtle states and series of fruitions which was hard to know which were a n p and which were from equanimity. At times it felt like I dropped in some jhanas pretty hard but tried to keep up noting for the hour. All over the maps, new states, bizarre shifts definitely tapping into new mind strata. In morning I lie in bed and jump jhanas as the witness, this morning was rather intense - a hour seemed to vaporize into thin air!

One hour sit noting up into a n p fruitions, a lot of them, I'd guess 20 or more. Each one seems to excert pressure at the center of the brain, w muscle contractions on left and right side near inner ear feeding up and inwards as my eyes slam tightly shut w muscle contractions around eyes and in forehead.

Last night I awoke in early morning, 2am?, in a bizzare mind state - maybe 3rd gear? I can't say, never experienced that state, niether have I experienced 3rd gear. Went back to sleep bur not for long, too much energy in the system, so I noted: meditated in bed, culmnated hour in fruitions, perhaps five.

One hr sit each day plus dwelling as witness when possible. I'm more aware moment to moment than in months past, but I still struggle w old habits, like overeating, going out to eat in restaurants (I usually cook at home w organic produce) and abundance of coffee. I am mindful as I do it and am able to monitor effects (on body and mind) into the future whereas before I wouldn't be so mindful. These unskillful decisions are starting to wear on me. In meditation within the hour I am still having series of a n p fruitions, sometimes up to twenty. A couple times this week I cycled up after that for a review fruition. I can usually tell the difference from the bliss wave that is present only for the fruition occurring from equanimity. I am really wanting to get on to the next path, trying to make resolution to that effect.

Nice notes! In my experience the life style changes you mentioned in post #19 are a big part of integrating the insights that come with paths.

It is good to hear that, thx. These lifestyle changes seem to be wanting to accelerate, I will try to work to a position of surrender, but can't do overnight. I haven't seen this aspect discussed so much but it does seem key to progress. Visiting family up north I see obvious shifts from the holidays. I catch judgmental thoughts and start metta instead of following that train!!! Compassion is also arising on the fringes of my social experiences, a trait that formerly only arose for the animal kingdom. Been trying to start new path. During meditation it becomes a fine line in regards to having a n p or equanimity fruitions as I suspect I can trigger either on the subtlest level w an intention or thought, as if they are no longer natural or require effort to work up too. I do acknowledge the benefit of review cycles but currently feel that my real world lived experiences requires catch up with my current level of insight, that is where I'll turn my attention. For the one Hr daily sits I'll work on concentration as that seems to enrich my real world experiences, via dwelling as the witness, a lot more than Vipassana.

Arrived home yesterday. Bumping up sit times two hours per day. Have been noting as I feel like I was in mind and body in last nights sit, maybe a new path. Noting refines my awareness and it seems I pick up on subtler sensations than previous, even week ago. Sometimes the sensations have a starburst effect as they very subtlety fan out after arising and spread in a wave. Tonight lots of sensations on limbs initial then notice sensations in my brain. In time pressure built up (or energy flowed in/arose) in my head at 3rd eye and I had monster fruition. It has been awhile, when it came vision went absolutely black and stayed that way as I was offline, long reboot period. Aside from the meditation I'm also initiating a self practice of yoga - experience has demonstrated that yoga compliments, and may even accelerate, progress on this path.

Tough day, harsh sensations and feelings welling up. Transition back to my isolated studio tough enough but I'm also cut myself off from coffee, on a cleansing diet. Hard even to meditate, mind unfocused and hazy. Incredible if this is all due to toxins making their way out of the body. Who knows, I'll keep meditating, it'll clear.

Sits seem to start in mind body but as I settle in I soon find myself in equanimity. I see that if I consider a fruition I have one, but I'm just trying to be w equanimity. Yesterday I did have a series of ten fruitions from eq.that may have been a first. Off cushion lots of suffering. Every joint in my body aches. Detox continues concurrent w thoughts of my past bubbling up for me to make sense of, feeling past ignorance (karma?) is clearing out or at least I'm coming to terms w it. Muscles tighten up at night, hips have never been so tight and full of pain and my monster mind body searing pain up spine into rt shoulder is back on the scene!!! Haahahaa