limbic's practice log

"I had a moment of clarity about the technique, I now remember writing this, in which I wondered how much in the past I had viewed noting as something that would unfold areas of my mind, sort of in the way I was just writing about here about the lack of thoughts inspiring thoughts, whereas it is proper instead to note that which Does come up, whatever and regardless what it is.

"

Go limbic
Still a good idea to follow mumuwu's point from yesterday and also practice the foundations seperately.

April 4th

@ 6:

Preceded by 10 minutes of breath awareness. 25 minutes of single foundation noting, excluding the first foundation. Or the first foundation was used as a pressure release/filler. Eyes closed, sitting in a chair (all my sits are in chairs) I noted vedanas. Oddly absent quality to everything. Was very quick to automatically insert other foundations out of plain habit. For the first time I noticed a pulsing in my skull area. Got the hang of it a little. It was very quiet in my mind. Then switched to mind states. Don't remember much from that area. Then with thoughts. I had a lot of thoughts about the practice... one common thought or tendency was some attempt or inkling about one of my common notes "self observation" may actually be a thought in a various form. Don't know what though, either couldn't remember or didn't really see it totally. Then I took the thoughts into walking meditation. Practice became choppier.

@ 6:50.

Preceded by 10 minutes of breath awareness. Same thing, 25 minutes of single foundation noting. Had other slight insights but forget them. Oh, while on thoughts I found myself having a kinda new thought "what is this?". It has happened before but only on relatively exceptional sits, where both these two single foundation sittings it happened numerous times while on the thought foundation. Noted it with "introspection thought". Also, Very much in my practice I have been abbreviating notes on thoughts by just doing "futurizing" or "scenario spinning" and dropping the word thought out of the note. I remember Kenneth corrected way back when we did ping pong after my first introduction to the technique. Maybe I should approach it that way from now on out. Followed this session with 10ish minutes of walking thought noting.

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@ 7:45

Began with 15 minutes of concentration, went okay - not really satisfied with it but not super unconcentrated either, and then went into 50 or so minutes of open awareness noting. Noticed my progression through stages was slow. Not much seemed to happen for a little while. Felt the warmth and heaviness of my posture in the chair, felt some subtle vibrations. Looking back on it, really unsatisfied with the sit, or at least with what I can remember as far as logging it is concerned. Towards the end mid or mid end I sensed the aching beginning to pronounce itself in my right femur. But then, I for no good reason whatsoever, opened my eyes and just looked around not really meditating at all. ehhh.

Now I am going to plan for tomorrow to regain momentum, waking up seriously at 4 in the morning. Usually I fail at this, I get out of bed and it is just so, so, so awful. It is like the sound of the toilet flushing perpetually with everlasting waste while a mob of knocked up mouseketeers scream at me to turn off the alarm. But I think this is definitely just like the phenomena of no mindfulness that I encountered during my bout of indigestion or whatever on sunday - it hurt far more when I was unmindful of it than when I was mindful of it. So tomorrow: going to get up, take a cold shower, and go for a walking meditation.

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Like you I can be hard on myself when I don't fulfill want I envision as a 'strong sit'. But you know what? Even getting on the cushion some days is victory. And seeing how your mind operates and being disgusted at the inner workings is exactly the fuel that will take you all the way on this path. Keep up the dedication, it will pay off!!

April 5th

@ 6ish

Did a really informal sit for an hour and 10 minutes part concentration part insight and towards the end of it there was a bunch of stingy itches all over my outer arms and legs.

@7:10

Concentration for 10 then insight for 25. Concentration went okay, insight wound up at a state of more or less pleasant vibrations. Not disrupting, not aching. It was actually a little distracted. Mind wandered a little.

@7:50

walked casually slightly meditating for 12ish minutes then went into concentration/insight sit till 9. Concentration okay not terrible and the sit went from the normal start, could feel the coolness of the air on the front of my knees and shins, the warmth of my hands on my knees, the heaviness and warmth of my body sitting on the chair, subtle vibrations randomly mostly on my face and hands but some on my ankles and other random places, then went through a period of itching sensations most noticeable in my abdomen and a little bit all over. Towards the end I was in pleasant vibrations in a very subtle capacity. And I was a little distracted.

April 6th

Today was a day of mainly lassitude. I tried to do some work on a paper I need to write and couldn't muster anything worth anything, or thought that it was more natural and conducive to just give up on that front. I chilled out and meditated for a little bit which helped a little, then went to math class then went home.

@ 7

Began with an informal concentration/insight sit that lasted about 40 minutes. I remember fairly early in the sit unpleasant itchiness throughout my body. A slight aversive field of sensations on my jaw and neck area, unpleasant warmth similar to fever symptoms and more. Was all fairly minor. After that, don't remember much other than thinking that my sit wasn't satisfactory in the way that I got lost in thought on a couple of occasions, or didn't note it well enough on a couple of occasions. Yea, that I didn't notice well enough - I wasn't exactly roaming all over the place without any mind to it whatsoever. Then I got up to do some walking meditation which lasted for about 20 minutes. Wasn't the best one, found myself noting unconstantly. I would note note note note then really get distracted and had my mind roam this time then snap myself back to the practice, though gently.

@ 8

Started with 10 minutes of concentration then did 10 minutes of asking "who is feeling this", trying to locate the sense of self throughout the body. This was subtle, kind of amorphous at times. It was gentler than for some reason I would think a really aggressive sit would be like, it was very calm, working with large areas and shifting the attention like large gulfs of wind rather than like maybe forceful plumes of water being poured into olive oil or something. Writing this is just a note to myself that maybe my expectations should be more down to earth or "real" to be conducive to this practice.

Then went into 40 minutes of insight. I noticed myself getting lost in thought a few times, but I also found myself noting quite well, disembedding rather fluently from things that were like second or third echelon stuff. Can't really explain very well now. I think it may have had to do with monitoring myself practicing possibly, I would note oh noted that very well and would automatically up and note that self congratulation and it would spiral on into itself a little bit. I noticed in the beginning (maybe this is from the previous sit before 8 tonight) that I had very obvious sensations, kind of pleasant, like a distinct shiny spring running through a dry forest, on my face around my mouth and cheek area. Really with this sit though it started in a sort of observable progression, it wound up with a degree of uncoordinated noting allowing for a bunch of gaps in it, periods of latency.

April 7th

@ 9

Started with some concentration and went into 50 minutes of insight. Remember I encountered a very slight incidence of the aching in my right femur a short while into the meditation and only for a couple moments or so. Next obvious development was irritable itching mainly in my right abdomen but also somewhat throughout my arms and legs. Cool neutral sensations in my shoulders at the same time. Then I became a little distracted. But shot right back into meditation and I had a couple minutes of pleasant sensations towards the end with easy noting.

Breakfast

@ 10:40

Started with some concentration and segued into insight. First thing I remember about this sit is there was a period of wishy washiness in which it was hard to develop the point on my concentration. This eventually maybe over the course of 5-10 minutes became more concerning in a fraught kind of way. Then, somewhere along the line the lack of focus went away but the concern stayed, which was somewhat consoling. Then the execution of the attention became easier but the sensations were still unpleasant to a mediocre degree. It was more the rhythm of the sensations that was unpalatable than necessarily the sensations themselves. The idea that this would be a long extenuated phase of the meditation. At this point the aversion towards it was simply like an intellectual prejudice against it. Then I think I may have gotten distracted or something, don't remember, and the next and last phase of the meditation started. I noticed a moment where somewhat distinctly something happened in the meditation that was good, that had momentum and then in my vision under closed eyes, the blackness which had somehow a slight wash of red over it stronger in some places weaker in others, this moment I think weaker at the periphery, then of a sudden it sort of spliced itself and became narrow like a sunset on the horizon, with the blackness engulfing both the top and bottom, as in a sunset over a lake perhaps. After that eventually the aching began to develop in my right femur up by the knee and was this time accompanied by my shin too. End sit

@ 11:50

Walking for a little bit. Ended up being about 20 minutes. When I first started just a few seconds into it after writing most of the previous sit down, I experienced a shadow of the aching in my right femur/shin. Very shortly after that something came into my head that I had to stop and write down in my last sit. And I read it over once, and so lost a little time and momentum. When I got to walking again, there was one moment that stood out from the rest. I was making a lap in my apartment and when I turned I noted Seeing immediately, kind of preemptively in a way, as my eye settled on an object. Then what was interesting is after the note and as I continued the motion of walking, my eye just sort of rested there. In sort of a "duhh" moment. No note was happening. It was kind of like my brain got a little heavier for that moment maybe. The sight bored itself into my mind in that moment. Or the stuff of the object or rather the stuff of seeing pushed a little closer, a little more intense, slightly heavier gravity, or something. Writing this now, it reminds me slightly of the vision collapsing incident in the previous sit, but maybe that is just a suspicion that it is cause and effect type stuff and that that was cause and effect type stuff.

@ 12:15

Did some concentration and segued into insight. Think it started off with a slow momentum, sludgy pace of attention. Difficult to note. Mind washing around in syrup. Don't remember what happened after that but there might have been some more definition put into it. After that I think I remember that something cause and effectish happened but on more minor a level than the previous sitting at 10:40. Then for a substantial length of time I encountered the aching in my right leg. It started with aching in the femur and shin both but eventually only encompassed the femur. Became very pronounced for a few moments a couple times. It seems like those may have been the times where I was disembedding with fluidity, concerning my attention with areas other than the femur though they were not as prominent in my attention. Or, at first they were not but once I resolved that there definitely are other things happening than the pain in the femur I sort of searched for other areas, mostly neutral sensations, I remember specifically coolness in my shoulder. When this happened I think everything sort of sped up a little, and this is when the aching really pronounced itself a couple times... I think. Lasted until the end part of the sit when it palliated just a little.

@ 1:30

Walking for a bit. Got 10 minutes or so in. I think its important to make progress today in the manner I can really really make progress, probably a little desperate of me, so I'm not very inclined to do much walking meditation where my practice is often more distracted. But I built up to slightly pleasant/neutral tingling across my face and hands and a tiny bit maybe on the legs. A couple times, before this tingling phase, I noted the pain in my leg for brief moments. After the pleasant/neutral tingling, which kept up for a few minutes, I became distracted. Not long after that I wrote this.

@ 1:45

Did concentration for about 20 minutes maybe, probably a bit less, and went into about 50 maybe a bit more minutes of insight. This sit was remarkably homogenous. I had a solid sense of posture, like a statue, that remained that way for the entire sit. It was not very heavy or very light. There were somewhat pleasant vibrations on my face and arms and cool areas on my feet and the warmth of my shirt and hoodie with maybe some cool areas on my arm. The minorly pleasant vibrations on my face and arm did not seem to move very much. They were like a fields of rather short grass being raked by a cool, very slow, calm wind from no particular direction. Towards the end of the sit there was some variety in those areas comprised of cool slightly pleasant line-ish vibrations. Kind of like those things that float in front of your pupils sometimes. At the begging end or end of the middle, I suddenly relaxed my abdomen, which seemed to include an area that actually reached up to my voicebox and throat a little. Towards the end of the sit, maybe the last 5 minutes or a bit more, there was a shadow of the aching in my right femur but it was hardly an ache at all and much much more of a cool and slightly subdued area.

@ 3
Did some walking meditation while eating. Didn't work so very well, not much to report. When this happens it is kind of abrasive on me.. the moments where I am noting and then fail and notice I ought to be noting then note but not being able to note for some reason maybe a doubt that I'm not for some reason noting (as in that particular note of "doubt" at that particular time) but maybe also because there isn't the momentum of the good sit/session of noting, it becomes self abrasive. Bah all stuff I ought to note.

@ 3:15

Did 20 minutes of concentration, went okay, but not enough to satisfy. Then 50 or a little bit more insight. This sit was similar to the last sit, but towards the end it had more of a pulse to it. Figuratively, not necessarily pulsing sensations (though they may have been there) but more "life force" to it... that is to say: more energy. I had pleasant vibrations along my arms, mostly my right arm, even up to the upper arm, and my face. Pleasant, cool, quick vibrations. I could feel my posture in the chair, feel the heat and the heaviness, but it wasn't predominant, that would have been the vibrations. Noting was easy, though it was also obvious there could have been more constant, fluent notes. Had minor vibratory sensations along my legs. Plainly distracted myself at around 15 or 20 minutes, but got back on track by the end middle and the end.

@ 4:25

Walking meditation not very fruitful

@ 4:40

Began with 15 minutes of concentration and endeavored to make it a really good go. It went okay. There were definitely greater stretches of concentration than any other time today, but I also unwittingly segued once or twice to insight. Enacted Villum's advice of imaginary nose pinching. Then into insight for 45/50 minutes. Went pretty good. Super solid sit in consistency. The pace was always momentous. Good energy. Good rate of noting. Good rate of vibrations too. Momentum! The first probably 2/3 of the sit had a lot of slightly irritating itchy vibrations on my arms, mostly forearms, torso and face and I forget about the legs. Felt the heat of my hoody, wasn't very pleasant. A lot of the itching was happening in the hoody torso area. Eventually, the unpleasantness died away and was replaced by minorly cool, slightly pleasant sensations happening at a fluent rate with a good spread through the face and the arms and maybe a bit in the torso, though towards the end I could still somewhat feel the heat of the hoody and of the chair, but it wasn't very bothersome. Good rate of noting, somewhat satisfactory noting of thoughts and mind state - it is still somewhat evident I could better do that. Had some minor "oooO?" moments at which I sort of imagined or speculated on an almost nonverbal level what it would be like to be in equanimity or high equanimity, or how it would be that I would get there. Like the proper rhythm of notes correlating to the most appropriate swimming stroke for a particular stretch of ocean or whatever. And this was all sufficiently noted when they would come up, too, to the point that my noting itself was sufficient that sit.

Memo to self: think about noting while I record these things.

@ 5:50

Walking meditation for 20 minutes. Went okay. Pretty well considering I went for a walk outside this time, in the city. But still not altogether satisfied.


@ 6:20

Started with about 20 minutes of concentration, went okay, segued into 45 minutes of insight. Interesting sit. Somewhere along the way, I noticed that much of what I was doing was in the spirit of some type of anticipation. I wasn't noting this. Later in the sit, the same thing or a similar thing displayed itself in the form of striving. Wasn't noting that either. Perhaps this has much to do with my sort of prejudice (thinking back on today particularly) that some sort of momentum in the sit was a good sign. Hmmm. So the sit began with neutral/pleasant sensations with fairly easy noting, similar to the last sit. There were a couple or a few slightly unpleasant itchy vibrations mixed in there but most of them were cool and neutral and pleasant. Eventually this became more so pleasant a little, and then I had the realizations (realizations?) that I started writing the account of this sit with. Towards the end, things were a lot quieter and in some way peaceful. There weren't as many notes, but the notes that were there were noted with alacrity, or rather, just briskness. There was a slight serenity involved.

@ 7:30 or something

Walking meditation through the neighborhood. Beautiful evening out, not a cloud in the sky. Right after the sun set. I retained the lucidity from the previous sit and noted everything very calmly, swiftly. Whats the word for this? So efficient nothing more than was needed to do it. My posture was completely naturally excellent, head high with no effort or thought about it whatsoever other than ah look what its doing!... This kept itself up until I decided to take an extra lap through another part of the neighborhood when a thin gust of anxiety swept over me. I could note it well enough and it didn't much ruin my mind state, but it stayed with me slightly until the end of the sit. Palliating slightly as time went on. Definitely related to attachment between this state and the practice that sent me up into it. Another visitation to the anticipation/striving mindset. On a small level, "I meditate to be this" or something along those lines. Like "Mirror" by Slvia Plath. Hehe, Exactly like Gwyneth Paltrow.

@ 8

15 minutes of concentration, went okay, then into insight. What a change of pace. Some happenings this sit that had so much equilibrium to them. From the beginning I was calm and clear, and throughout the sit I would become distracted or take small excursions through some thought tangents. A few of them were things that, if you look back at my retreat on the 6th day of the second part, things that infuriated me to no end of my ire. This time it was different in how collected it was. There was a moment where I was extremely wrathful, but it was so ordered, remarkably yoked. Nothing leaked out on either end. It was that, and then it was over. Like a chinese character in fine calligraphy. And this time as well as anger there was also significant sadness and pity and shock and awe. Throughout the rest of the sit my mind wandered a little to other areas, some mundane, some entertaining , but it did not bother me very much. Actually, there was a slight, slight unease towards the end of the sit reminiscent of the anxiety from the walking meditation, but I was unflapped by it - I could observe it at will and know its extent, space, reach, length, width, whatever. It was as though when unobserved it was still half observed, or maybe that once noticing it was not observed, it was very very easy to observe it. And I noticed fairly quickly.

April 8th

No formal intentional sits but did do casual meditations/mindfulness

April 9th

@ 1ish

20 minutes of concentration, shifting around in thought quite a bit. Framing recent conversation with Jayson and other stuff, framing what it was that I was doing then. Paradoxical. Did have moments for maybe ten or twenty seconds of when I stayed with the warmth on the breath. Was going to try some first foundation insight but think I better try concentration again. 20 mins. Went better. More of a saturated feeling of warmth above the upper lip. Denser. Can see how this could develop into a real focus sponge.

dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussio...ards/message/2545840

@ 6:30

did two hours and ten minutes of concentration, trying to feel out access concentration. Don't think I got it, but I did get to the point where the breath was at least as prominent as the thoughts most of the time and more prominent somewhat frequently. Naturally, I had a lot of thoughts about what I was doing. Remembered talking with Jayson earlier today and him saying it doesn't seem like I'm getting the no-self aspect of this. This I linked up automatically with an experience I had (two weeks ago after coming back from retreat) of trying to do concentration and being reminded again and again by my mind why I was doing concentration, why I was doing exactly what I was doing at that moment - totally just like what was happening in this sit. Obviously very fettering.

Did 20 minutes of insight at 8:40. Immediately noted tingling, vibration. Unfortunately I don't think I watched for any pulsing or the like in any of the sensations that showed and stayed, though in retrospect writing this a couple were obvious enough that it definitely was happening - for instance very soon after beginning I experienced an aching in my left sternum, sort of the area where one's heart is. I had itching throughout my body, aching in my right leg. There was a period where the aching was not very much and more covered with benign tingling/vibrations. I was in thought fairly frequently, wonder if this would have been so had I remembered to stay in touch with any tempo however subtle to the aching/itchings. Only the achings lasted long enough to have that quality. Or, maybe that doesn't make sense at all. Maybe the itches, though transient more so than the aching, still comes in a pulsing pattern. Maybe this is true for the tingling and vibrations as well.

A bunch of concentration in the early morning, 2ish hours, similar results to last night though maybe a little more successful. Capped it off with 15-20 minutes of insight. Shortly into the sit I experienced an itch on my right trapezius and I stayed with it for a good while. I noticed a very subtle, small change in position and was also sensitive to the intensity of it maybe having a pattern in its coming and going but I didn't notice much. There was a moment I think where I glimpsed how this had to do maybe with the constancy of my concentration upon it, I think it was when I came in with my concentration just as a surge, which could have been pattern-like, was disappearing. A little bit after this a similar itch developed on my left trapezius. These went away gradually over about two minutes and I think I experienced some aching in my sternum area, but it was very very brief and minor. After that, or perhaps at the same time with the sternum aching being contained within, there was a short period of slightly pleasant vibrations/tinglings/lightness that also seemed to give my mind a lighter more pleasurable side too. After that sad to say I became a little distracted with thoughts of the coming day.

Not much chance yesterday or this morning for practice, have a french test today. But I did get to sit a little before bed but didn't log it. Went similarly to practice the last two days.

I noted as much as possible while I was falling asleep and also in the early morning and now I have a back ache. This happened yesterday morning too I think, or the day before that. Thinking maybe 3 characteristic symptom.

"Not much chance yesterday or this morning for practice, have a french test today. But I did get to sit a little before bed but didn't log it. Went similarly to practice the last two days.

I noted as much as possible while I was falling asleep and also in the early morning and now I have a back ache. This happened yesterday morning too I think, or the day before that. Thinking maybe 3 characteristic symptom."

It might be 3C's, yeah. Or an ordinary back ache. You're doing good, anyways

April 11th

Not much chance to practice in the day or the morning, but got around to a sit at night at 6:30. This sit was like the rest of the day for, really sluggish and bad. Low energy, enervation. At about 8 I decided to give it quits and cook food for tomorrow for an all day sit.

April 12th

@8:30

Started with 20 minutes concentration. Insight began with some tingling and vibrations and a handful of small quick aching sensations. Then into a period of less of this. Then into a period of slight vibrations. Definitely less vibrations in these parts of this sit all compared with other sits. Then into a period where the aching in my right leg began to come on. Lasted a good time maybe 20 minutes, maybe more. Noticed slight undercurrents in it. Then the timer rang and I stopped for maybe ten seconds then decided that it's probably better for me to continue with it. I went back in to it and the pain was there a little but was not as much, and I had more focus on the rest of my body naturally. This went on for a little bit maybe 15 minutes in which sometimes the pain in the leg would take center stage more and then a little less. Time for breakfast.

@12

Sat for two hours beginning with 10 minutes of concentration. Then had a similar state to the sit beforehand. Somewhere in the beginning, seemingly between one phase of subtle vibrations and the next in the period of latency where all vibrations/tingling are more quiet, I found an aching in my head akin to a headache. Rather slight and short, lasting only for about a minute. As the sit went on there was only a minor amount of aching going on while the vibrations increased to a strength I haven't felt in a while, at least since my last retreat. I could feel them very strongly in my nose and upper lip area. Very much so in my hands as well. This went for a little bit then faded. While this was all going on, and when it came back too, I noticed my breath was syncopated with the notes I was making. So while I was breathing in I would take several small in breaths with each note and vice versa when when breathing out. Also, my breath gradually became quite forceful a couple times. Once maybe twice I noticed this and just cooled it.

@2ish

Walking for 10-15. Similar to 11:40 but with a more natural fluid pace of walking.

@ 2:20

An hour insight prefaced by a little concentration. Slowly but surely a steady, consistent field of vibrations built up in my hands and face and to a lesser degree my forearms. THere were some incidents of my right femur aching but these episodes were only moderate at most and lasted but a couple minutes. Towards the end it the fields of vibrations were strong and I tried a couple times to disassociate my notes from my breath.