limbic's practice log

@12

Sat for two hours beginning with 10 minutes of concentration. Then had a similar state to the sit beforehand. Somewhere in the beginning, seemingly between one phase of subtle vibrations and the next in the period of latency where all vibrations/tingling are more quiet, I found an aching in my head akin to a headache. Rather slight and short, lasting only for about a minute. As the sit went on there was only a minor amount of aching going on while the vibrations increased to a strength I haven't felt in a while, at least since my last retreat. I could feel them very strongly in my nose and upper lip area. Very much so in my hands as well. This went for a little bit then faded. While this was all going on, and when it came back too, I noticed my breath was syncopated with the notes I was making. So while I was breathing in I would take several small in breaths with each note and vice versa when when breathing out. Also, my breath gradually became quite forceful a couple times. Once maybe twice I noticed this and just cooled it.

@2ish

Walking for 10-15. Similar to 11:40 but with a more natural fluid pace of walking.

@ 2:20

An hour insight prefaced by a little concentration. Slowly but surely a steady, consistent field of vibrations built up in my hands and face and to a lesser degree my forearms. THere were some incidents of my right femur aching but these episodes were only moderate at most and lasted but a couple minutes. Towards the end it the fields of vibrations were strong and I tried a couple times to disassociate my notes from my breath.

@10:25

Began with 10 or so mins of concentration and went into insight where I encountered a more saturated phase of vibrations than the previous sit, but not more intense, just more constant rate and consistency. This left for a little bit, or was subdued, during which time I experienced slight slight aches, then it came back again. Eventually this was replaced by the aching in my right femur which built up very slowly over the course of maybe fifteen minutes at which point it became a rather awe-some pain that peaked very intensely a couple times. This subdued slightly, very slightly until the end of the sit when the bell rang. Did the same thing this time with stopping then deciding to get back on the wagon and when I started again the pain was there in a lesser capacity but still very firm in its presence, then this went away slowly and I was left with the state of slightly pleasant subtle vibrations saturating my face and hands for the most part.

@11:40

Walking meditation for about 15 minutes or so. It went better than a lot of the walking meditations I have. Was somewhat concentrated, picked up on quick static vibrations, some normal vibrations over the course of a few seconds, as well as sublte aches that endured anywhere from 3-5 seconds to maybe half a minute. Most of them happened later in the meditation and most on the lower mid parts of my ribcage. Right now as I type there is an aching in my left upper ankle.

@5:10

One hour sit with a little concentration. Similar to the last sit but a little more eventful. slightly more vibrations and activity in that sense. General noting went okay, not difficult but lacking compared to the earlier sits with the high order vibrations. The big difference this sit was I could find a couple sensations that I could really stay with in the way of aching and itches. Though most of them didn't do much. They undulated slightly while fading away over a period of about 5 minutes. Most of the aches were very minor and didn't give much up to observation. But there was a little more momentum in the practice towards the end of the sit.

@6:10

20 min. walk. Great, lots of subtly unpleasant sensations to observe. Won't say I did a very good job staying with them though. Slighttly okay. No - a teensy bit better than that

@6:30

Sat for an hour beginning with a little concentration. Wow typing right now is sort of difficult. Vibrations came back strongly in this sit. Sometime in the last half of the sit a hunch that really observing the no self characteristic has a good bit to do with not laboring the breath. It is the self that labors the breath? Maybe.... There was some aching in this sit that I observed well though I don't recall anything outstanding coming from it. Sometime in the middle beginning I had a 30 second or so patch of vibration on the bottom of my left foot and toes a little - unusual. The slowly but very surely the vibrations came to me and by the end of the sit they were very formidable on my hands big time, my forearms a little, and an interesting spread through my whole face such that I could almost feel the curvature of my cheeks. This sit as opposed to the others when the vibrations came up I intentionally observed their impermanence. Ehheh... pretty basic, yeah? Before the vibratory quality of the sits was a side effect of doing the meditation right and while I would note them, I would not much microscopically examine them. Maybe this is a change for the better!

@7:30

Walking 20 min went just like the other one.

@8

Hour sit. Began with some concentration. Before this sit I lost a little momentum because I was mysteriously compelled to check my email. Eh.. This sit was kind of back to being like the sits before the last one, but it afforded me some good opportunities to really examine the transitory nature of the vibrations. Was a little distracted. This is a pattern with me, when it is the last sit of the day often I get laxed. Why? No good reason. If I didn't it seems as though I could have made some real jumps in my practice, for instance possibly going over the A&P at long last.

April 13th

A mediocre informal sit at noontime.

@6:15

15 minutes of concentration then an hour of insight. Was distracted a couple times by things I needed to set in place for plans in the soon off future. Sit was good though. Nice concentration, good, fluent noting. A lot of practice thoughts, not many mind states. Been trying to be attentive more to bodily sensations this week. Started with some standard vibrations - here and there at a somewhat quick pace - there would be a vibration let's say on the back of my hand on the side that would stay for a little while another vibration a few seconds later would present itself on my palm and they would both stay while fading in some capacity while another vibrations a couple seconds later came up on my wrist, and so on. This was the case on my face and forearms. This lasted for a good bit around 20-25 minutes when I began to discern aching at various places which I was able to stay with a little while it occurred. Sometime around 40 minutes I had to check my email then at 50 I had to find my phone.

@7:25

Went for a walk. Was good, good noting. Able to direct my attention somewhat, or- succeed in my intention to note certain things, say body sensations after a slew of thoughts was taking me along for the ride. Another thing about this walk I noticed was my posture. Good, natural, tall, unphased by things in the environment. Able to retain my walk despite walking by a number of people, or - this was simply natural. This was reminiscent of the walking meditations I had last saturday night after the sit in which I thought I may have been in equanimity. But this time, it was more natural, or usual I should say. There wasn't the quietness and aptitude of a fresh insight lingering in my mind.

@7:50

Concentration for 10 then insight for an hour. A bit distracted but much less than the last sit. Had the standard vibrations this time and eventually came up against an aching in my left shoulderblade that stayed for the entire rest of the sit in more or less intensity. Never was it blaring. Moderate and noticeable. Lots of warmth, maybe the weather out today. Investigated the ache for definition and clarity about any changes. When I did this it would just diminish somewhat. Should remember to be more attentive to impermanence in general as a characteristic and a tenet of the meditation rather than just trudging along and noting - haven't received any advice or instructions about that, but it is simply easy to do and doesn't seem as though it can hurt. More to gain.

Now for sleep to bring a good start to an all day sit tomorrow.

April 14th

@8:50

10 minutes of concentration then an hour insight. In the early part of the sit there were some vibrations on my face and hands but very little compared to the "standard vibrations" I refer to often. Eventually aching in my back pronounced itself starting with a small area to the left of my mid spine which was joined by a couple other areas over the course of 10 or 15 minutes so that a pretty big portion of my back was pretty pretty tense. Eventually it changed to the back upper left of my neck and my head hurt a little. This decreased in intensity as the sit went on and wasn't a very big deal by the end, though still there.

Breakfast

@10:20

Same thing with a little less intensity in the neck. Started off slower and went through a lesser period of aching in the back. Low key sits so far.

@11:20

10-15 minute walk, okay. Some subtle aches, okay attention.

@11:35

Started with some concentration then moved into 60 minutes insight. Similar to my last sit but a little more pronounced in the vibrations. There was an initial period of not much going on before the aching came in, first in my back then in my neck. Throughout all of this there was a lot of dissatisfaction that I forgot to say about my other sits. That was a pretty frequent note. Towards the end, the vibrations started to come in greater saturation and vividness. By the end the pain in my neck had died down nearly completely and the vibrations in my face and hands took center stage. Was still dissatisfied/worried about my sits, though

@12:40

Walking for 15.

@12:50

Began with a little concentration. Sit was similar to the last one. Noticed I could note more restlessness/impatience. Wasn't as big on the pain this time. There was a period where I found myself only noting thoughts sort of at the end of their trajectory, which entailed a little bit of rambling thoughts before that. Towards the end the vibrations became a little more prevalent but they were still very subtle. Subtle percolations on my face and hands. This disappointing and concerning the thought does come what if this never succeeds. Kicking myself for not waking up earlier.

@2

Walking mediation went outside kind of distracted.

@2:10

Another really low key sit. Started with concentration. I don't even think I had pains this sit. Minor, minor pains. Maybe just like a caul of odd unpleasant discomfort, but nothing solidified. Once there was an itch that I picked up on to observe and it lasted only 30 seconds or maybe a minute tops. Had subtle vibrations, more like velvet most slowly on my lips, with the same thing on my hands, though that was more like really soft sandpaper. Something about negative notes like frustration and disappointment and dissatisfaction, sometimes looking back I think I should have noted more of them, but at the time in the sit it sort of seemed, on no verbal level, that that would be making too much of it. That would be kinda like inflating the meditation. So I don't at the time. I think maybe sleeping in a long time hurts my sits.

@3:15

Walking meditation in apartment. Went pretty good better than the other ones I've had today. Could concentration, could note, could understand the holes in my noting game. Had some subtle sensations, a couple achey ones and a couple subtle fields of vibrations. Towards the end I began to get a little more distracted.

@5:55 lucky number!

Walk. 20 mins outside. Was okay, could have been better. About 5 minutes into the walk I started to feel weird about myself a little bit. Very vague. This seems connected to how well my practice is going and is thrown into relief when I interact with/see other people, or it is just somewhat apprehensive of it.

@6:20

Hour sit started with a little concentration. Nearly the same as last sit. No unpleasant sensations at all until the end when I got a vague unpleasant tension in my neck. The vibrations were more complete this time. Before the end, they were stronger or just as strong as any other point in today's meditation. They eased off slightly in the last maybe 15 minutes, or 10. Seemed to get over the breath/noting issue this sit. Do remember some moments when I was mindful of that. Lots of self mapping thoughts, evaluation. Practice thought.

@7:25

Going to sit instead of walk. Good sit. Continuance of the one just previous with just a little fallout in momentum from writing down the sit. Gradually, the vibrations became less strong, but were just as constant. They became a little sharper. And, when that happened my mind became clear as well. Easy to note things. There were very very slightly unpleasant things at this point with everything being somewhat lucid. As this went on, I became a little restless. Apprehension, anticipation, concern, impatience. It was like not much was going on. There was a slight unpleasantness that was totally unsatisfactory, but not painful. Disappointment, kind of. Insatiability. It had a sort of suggestion that that was it, which wasn't okay when you really get down to it. Really not okay!!!!

@3:30

Nice sit. Concentration then insight. It started off a little slow but was mostly always more intense than my previous sits today, if only by a little bit at times. Eventually an itch popped up on my left shoulder and I observed it for about 5 minutes while it cooled off a little and occasionally repronounced itself. After a little while of this there was an itch, or a rough vibration, that presented itself on my right shoulder. Observed both of these. They went away maybe 15 minutes after the first one came up, which was probably around 20 minutes into the sit. At the end of the sit, last 10 minutes, the aching in my right femur came up. Was intense but not awelike. Before all of this in the beginning of the sit I noticed my breath had something to do with the notes I was doing, which were okay but not really crisp. They were kind of stagnant and awkward, I would breath in and be able to throw a couple notes in there and then breath out with the same thing. Eventually this stopped or I stopped noticing it - around the time of the itches. In between the itches and the end of the sit there was a period where I discerned a subtle movement type thing seemed like it was my mind or the moving of my whole experience in between notes. It was partly visual, kind of. I noted it as "morphing". Had some calm in this sit, in the later parts. Should be more attentive to those foundations - 3rd and 4th for my practice log.

@4:40

Walking. Okay. There was a moment where I noticed an aching in my head and stayed with it for a little bit before the walking
meditation I assume distracted me.

April 16th

2 hours at 7 pm. Had a lot of restlessness, impatience, notably in the second half. Towards the end there were a couple aches, but fleeting, over the course of 20 seconds. Before that, vibrations. Heat. Practice thoughts. Didn't have many objects to keep my attention on in the way of aches and itches or vibrations really. They were all subtle and quick. Had a good walking meditation in the middle. Dissatisfied. Think the intense heat in my apartment was detrimental to the sit, though I did note most of the negativity that it brought up.

Had a weird day. In the morning everything was going quite well, then something superbly irritated me. Then for the rest of the day, a lot of irritation and it was very hot out. The heat on both sides of my head really seemed to contain all my irritation and kept reminding me of it.

.

April 19th

@10

Concentration then insight for a while. About 10 minutes into the sit encountered calm pleasant vibrations in my hands and face. These stayed for maybe five minutes then left and was eventually getting itching sensations in the same places, like the vibrations just itching. These left and came back in more intense patches but were less blanketed. In a little bit then got unpleasant sensations, aching in my posture. This tapered down a bit then the sit ended.

@11:15

Walking. Felt rather proficient at it, but nothing much came up. Was able to note with some fluidity, but only a couple minor sensations along the way, outside of the usual - touch of foot on ground, taste of the cashews, coolness of the air.

@11:30

Distracted sit. Didn't do concentration in the beginning, but don't know if that was the reason for all the distraction. Went through a period of itchiness somewhere in the middle there. Towards the end of the sit I was more in "access" mode - more saturated vibrations, feeling as though I was in the meditation aquarium with my attention being the water, following the fish, the fish being sensations. More momentum on it at that stage.

@12:30

Walking meditation 10 minutes. More sensations this time. First, about 3 or 4 minutes in, a distinct tingling on my right knee, lasted maybe for a minute, probably a bit less. Sometime during that time possibly, and definitely afterwards, had tingling on my right jawline and temple and some on my cheek and mouth area. Small amounts. Then the spot that was tingling on my knee began to ache for a little bit. This was around 7-8 minutes into it. Then shortly after that 8 minutes 30 seconds probably, my right forearm and triceps began to ache. There was also tingling on my left cheekbone.

@12:40

An hour of insight starting with concentration this time. Had momentum this sit. Mostly slightly pleasant vibrations with an okay pace for about the first half hour, then there was a period of slight discomfort including a minor incident of aching in my right femur. Then, it was back to the vibrations with more momentum behind them and more of a strength to them.

@1:45

Walking 10 mins. Similar to the last one.

@2

Insight beginning with concentration. Similar to last sit. Towards the end, more unpleasant mind states. Anxiety, aversion. Also a couple strong but short unpleasant sensations. A sharp ache or two.

@3:05

Walking. Similar to the one at 12:30 but a lot more itchiness.

@3:15

Insight for an hour began with concentration. Good sit. Like the previous one, but by the middle I progressed into a state of vibrations without many unpleasant bodily sensations. On my face, and on my hands mostly. The strength and saturation picked up. Still was a little restless. The area of face covered expanded as well.

@4:20

Was going to walk but got a call instead.

@4:30

insight beginning with concentration. Similar to the last sit. For the first part, say 20-30 minutes, I was brought along for the ride on some thoughts. A lot of the practice thoughts, self observation, thoughts about what I am doing, how it relates to the practice. So, I would have a good moment of noting, but not be able to follow the sort of congratulatory or affirming thought with more good noting. Towards the end of the sit I was back in the vibrations, but this time they were a little itchy, irritating, most especially on my left arm above the elbow.

@5:30

Walking meditation, went okay itchy itchy.

@5:45

45 minutes of insight with a little concentration. Set the timer wrong. This sit remembered to really scrutinize itches and aches, and I had a few itches that seemed to change places minutely over the course of a few minutes. Towards the end of the sit had a lot of itchy vibrations, but nothing I could really really focus on. I focused on itches, but they were just shadows, not really itches just sort of like placemarkers of sensations on my skin. Had a wandering mind in the beginning of this sit.

@6:30

Walking meditation. Lotsa subtle vibrations in my limbs and head. Not much itching to take count of

@6:45

Not much happened this sit. Had a wandering mind. But there was some kind of momentum. I was definitely meditating. Had only a couple itches and things that I could scrutinize. Probably should have noted more mind states.

@7:45

No walking meditation just continuing the sit. Short break- 3-5min walking. Same thing but even less events. Was distracted a few times, near the end. Was pretty calm throughout it. Had a lot of practice/mapping thoughts. The whole time had a subtle subtle vibration on my hands and parts of my face, more like the air touching my skin than anything though. About 10 minutes, maybe a tad less, towards the end, I had an aching kinda contortion type sensation, but not like a kriya at all, more like a muscle cramp, on that area between the left of my lower lip, my chin, and my cheek. I have a zit there and that factored into it a little. Time for bed.