Shaun's journal

Hi,

I'm new to insight practice (and to this board)...

I thought it might be interesting to post my journal here so I can chart my progress.

cheers,
Shaun

welcome

Welcome to KFD. Lots of valuable info here. Is this your first foray into meditation or just this style of vipassana?

Thanks for the welcomes. Aquanin, I first began meditating about 12 years ago. I was taught a dreadful species of meditation by the woman who owned the local New Age book/crystal store. I learned a little bit more about the subject through reading and then a bit more through my involvement in the Western Mystery Tradition. Stumbling onto the Pragmatic Buddhist movement has been an absolute eye-opener. And so, I've been meditating with serious intent for about two and a half months.

40 mins noting. On timer and recorded.

For 15 - 20 mins. prior to beginning meditation, I had some tension pain above my left eye, and a "quickening" sensation (adrenaline?) in my forearms/hands and thighs. Soon after sitting, this all disappeared.

There were many instances of "aching", "itching", "rocking", "swaying" and "gyrating" but amidst all this I noted fear, misery, disgust, resignation (as in wanting to quit the session) wanting deliverance and equanimity. There may have been more but I suspect my perception skills are still pretty blunt and my understanding of the maps hazy. Also, I don't know for absolute certain that I was naming these sensations correctly. Time will tell I guess.

40 mins. Noting out loud.

10 mins. of noting "rising"/"falling" of the breath. The mind wandered all over the place.

30 mins. of noting whatever arose. For the most part was able to note several times a second. 10 - 15 minutes in I felt restless, miserable and wanted to get up and smoke a cigarette. I persisted, though the desire to get up came and went several times. At one point though the act of vocalising, the feel of it and the sound of it seemed very alien, not me.

"There were many instances of "aching", "itching", "rocking", "swaying" and "gyrating" but amidst all this I noted fear, misery, disgust, resignation (as in wanting to quit the session) wanting deliverance and equanimity. There may have been more but I suspect my perception skills are still pretty blunt and my understanding of the maps hazy. Also, I don't know for absolute certain that I was naming these sensations correctly. Time will tell I guess."

In general, it's best not to put mapping labels on things when you're noting the four foundations of mindfulness. If the temptation arises (and it comes up all the time) I just note "mapping thought" and pass on to whatever else comes up. The different points on the insight path will arise in due time, and what happens usually is that as you're describing your sits, people who recognize certain markers will identify for you whatever stage seems to be manifesting. The sensations (and types of thoughts or feeling tone) that you label are really rather simple. Everyone gets concerned about doing it right at first, but you can just say "hearing" or "thinking" if you get stuck. "Itching" is pretty straightforward, as is "aching" or "tingling." Good luck! and welcome!

"30 mins. of noting whatever arose. For the most part was able to note several times a second. 10 - 15 minutes in I felt restless, miserable and wanted to get up and smoke a cigarette. I persisted, though the desire to get up came and went several times. At one point though the act of vocalising, the feel of it and the sound of it seemed very alien, not me."

And then there's the restlessness and the weirdness. It's really intriguing to break down the desire to get up and smoke (or eat or stimulate oneself with whatever) into its component sensations, including a thought in the mind that manifests as a sense of compression in the chest or a jerky feeling in the leg over and over again. It's also liberating to label the weirdness as "self-conscious thought" and let it go, over and over again. Eventually you get past this hump and into some interesting stuff. But for awhile your practice consists of building up "exit velocity." EDIT: oops, I meant escape velocity

Thanks for your advice JLaurelC.

Medit: 45 mins.

10 mins. noting "cool"/"warm" as the breath went in and out of my nostrils. I'm finding it easier to focus on a smaller area like the nostrils than the larger area of the abdomen with its "rising"/"falling". The mind seems less prone to wander when I focus on a smaller area. It also seems easier to bring the attention back to this object when it does wander.

35 mins. noting on whatever arose. There were quite a few clear and bright itches around my face, the strongest of which lingered around the point directly between my eyes. As much as I try to observe the component sensations of these itches, I'm not able to do so. Towards the end of the session I opened my eyes and my body felt like it was in a warm bath. Very relaxed, despite the pain in my knees. When I closed my eyes again, the sensation disappeared.

Also, quite a few spontaneous and surprising images flashing into my mind. I take it these are nothing special, but I'm fascinated that this occurs at all.

I've just remembered noting a particular itch on my arm... It might have been on my leg. Oddly though, I haven't recorded it in my (offline) journal. So I wonder if it was as I lay in bed preparing to sleep, which I have been doing recently, or it was a dream.

The itch was a strong, clear, pinpoint type itch, and I could see/feel it fading and growing repeatedly. At one point I observed it rolling or flipping "head over heels" so to speak. Sounds like a dream... I don't know.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep noting whatever arises no matter how unpleasant. The itches and desire to get up and end the sit are signs of progress and sounds like 3C's territory. Just note the aversion, frustration, and itches. Watch them grow and change and spread out.

Thanks for the words of encouragement Aquanin. But now I'm confused. Two and a half month's ago I had four nights of intense kundalini activity, which Kenneth suggested was A&P. Since talking to Kenneth I've been reading about the maps and trying to locate myself on them. I tentatively figured that after some pretty hairy dark night stuff in my emotional/psychological life I was now in equanimity... I recognise that I could very well be wrong. Is it possible after a "big" A&P event to go back to the 3C's? Hmm, I'm very confused.

"Thanks for the words of encouragement Aquanin. But now I'm confused. Two and a half month's ago I had four nights of intense kundalini activity, which Kenneth suggested was A&P. Since talking to Kenneth I've been reading about the maps and trying to locate myself on them. I tentatively figured that after some pretty hairy dark night stuff in my emotional/psychological life I was now in equanimity... I recognise that I could very well be wrong. Is it possible after a "big" A&P event to go back to the 3C's? Hmm, I'm very confused."

Listen to Kenneth if he is your teacher. I am only guessing based on the limited info on this thread without any real back story. That being said, you will always re-experience each nana in your sits as you cycle up to your cutting edge, so yes you can sit in the 3C's for a while in some cases. When you talk about very solid itches and desire to get up, it sounds like classic 3C's to me. Just an observation.

After your A&P event have you continued your momentum in your practice or did you stop for a while?

That makes sense. Thanks for explaining it to me. I like to think I'm an intelligent guy, but I still get confused by the simplest things. After the A&P my practice actually picked up. I gained a real hunger for it.

Maybe I should add my backstory here...

When I was a youngster, before the age of ten, I used to have dreams that were rather abstract. I would feel myself to be physically infinitely expanded but at the same time infinitesimally small. I remember waking up from these dreams terrified. My parents would hear me crying and come to console me.

All my life I've felt that there was more to this existence than what we're generally led to believe. I've searched high and low, looking for the key to achieving my fullest potential as a human being. A potential beyond what we in Western Society are led to believe exists. My search has included Christianity, the Western Mystery Tradition, the paranormal, and all manner of other devices and technologies. All of which proved unsatisfactory (for me).

Finally, this year I felt myself at a dead end. Every door felt closed to me; Magick had stopped bearing fruit for me, I felt the tarot and the pendulum were completely unreliable, I felt meditation was pointless, etc., etc. And while I still had this hunch that there was a way, I surrendered. I gave up.

See next post.

And then this happened (despite feeling it was pointless, I sat down to meditate anyway):

17 March 2012
Medit: 39 mins.

WOW!! At first, relaxing into my asana, breathing and slowing the mind. After a short while I felt ready to move deeper and prayed to Shakti/ Kundalini. Worship, recognition and then offered myself as her playground, and requested to be taken in my meditation to where she wanted to go. After a very brief pause my torso began to swivel from the hips, first anticlockwise then clockwise. The motion became more and more pronounced until I was rocking off my knees and pitching forward until I felt I would be toppled off the stool. The motion was extreme. Alternating clockwise/anticlockwise/figures of eight/ backwards and forwards and side to side. Midway through the meditation the motion stopped and I was motivated to stretch forward on my hands until my forehead was almost touching the ground, keeping my breathing going, then resumed my position on the stool, where the motion started up again. The stretching forward occurred again a short while later and then when I resumed my place on the stool I felt that the "workout" had finished. There was a point in the meditation when I was in a lot of pain and felt I needed to stop but endured nevertheless. I'm glad I did because I witnessed a process with a beginning & a conclusion with stages along the way. I felt myself to be under the control of intelligence."

There were similar experiences for the next three nights and then it stopped. I had no idea what had happened beyond thinking it had been some sort of kundalini experience. Also, when it stopped and didn't occur again, despite trying everything I could think of to replicate what I had originally done/not done, I fell into a pit of fear, despair, grief and disappointment, amongst other things.

See next post.

It took me a while to understand that it might have been a stage in some larger process and so I set about discovering what that process is. Along the way I stumbled on Daniel Ingram's MCTB, the Dho and finally, Kenneth and his writings.

I'm very glad to be here.

Now I know why you said you were going through all those nanas in post #4. Looks like what Kenneth said: A&P followed by the dukkhas. You've already got escape velocity. Now you just have to go the distance.

You've certainly come to the right place; keep posting and all the best.

Thanks JLaurelC. I spent some of the afternoon reading your journal and was very inspired! Thanks for sharing.

50 mins. on timer

Began by following the breath, approx. 10 mins, noting "warm"/"cool". This segued smoothly into general noting. I remembered a short while in that I had read about people reporting itches having a granular quality, so I began to pay closer attention to whatever itches arose. At first I noted them, "itching", "itching", itching", but this wasn't helping me to penetrate them, so I stopped noting and just observed the itches as they arose. There was a storm of itches around my face, so I'd focus on the clearest and brightest one and stick with it till it faded. I began to be aware of pulsing, both rhythmically and erratically, subsiding and building in intensity, little "twittering" sensations as though they/it were a stationary insect doing... something. Another itch sat in the crook of my left arm for what seemed like 5 or so minutes. During this time, as I observed it, my mind seemed to slow right down. In physical terms I imagine it would feel like wading through molasses. A lot seemed to occur in this session... At another stage I began having flashes of violent imagery which were thoroughly unpleasant. At another point I was seeing flashes of light in the peripheral field (behind closed eyelids). There was also a moment when a little "shift" of some sort occurred. There was a mental sigh of relief.

I'm not sure if these things occurred in the order I've written them...

Thanks for posting more of your backstory. Keep doing what you are doing!

40 mins.

10 mins. Doing my best to remain focused on the breath entering and exiting the nostrils, noting "warm"/"cool". The breath was laboured for a while but became fluid towards the end of the ten min. mark. Itching/aching/etc., began as I was doing this but I refrained from general noting until the 10 min. timer went off. I wanted my concentration to be as acute as possible before I moved on. I noticed a kind of easy, pleasant quality of mind.

30 mins. noting. Besides the ever-present pain in my knees and occasional lower back pain, I noted a lot of itching. There was one point where I noted an itch, which would promptly disappear, while another would simultaneously appear elsewhere. This happened five, six, maybe seven times. I'm still unable to penetrate a single itch until it breaks down into component sensations. At another point, early in the session, I noted vibrations that felt like a vibrating mobile phone in my left foot that stopped and started abruptly numerous times. Towards the end of the session I felt that easy, calm, pleasant okay-ness again, even with the pain in my knees.

General mood for the day: feeling at ease with the world.

I had a rotten day today. I usually do on a Monday. I felt irritated by certain people around me, resentful, angry, disgusted and despondent. I guess the consolation is that it didn't "sting" as much as it usually does. I'm looking forward to sitting.

44 mins.

I made a resolution to achieve stream entry as soon and as painlessly as possible for the benefit of myself and all living things.

10 mins. Noting breath; "warm"/"cool". Much wandering. I felt myself leaning very gradually to my left until I felt I was going to fall off my stool. I had to catch myself when I did finally lose balance. After ten minutes or so, I began general noting. The area around my upper back to my shoulders, including the back of my neck started to feel like a colony of itches. I've begun to think of theses itches as creatures. That's bad isn't it? Discursive thinking? One particular itch, right in the middle of the nape of my neck began to burn. I watched another itch grow in intensity and it seemed to blossom like a flower. Another itch on the back of my left shoulder seemed to move about a centimetre (1/3 of an inch?) down towards my shoulder blade. Yesterday there was no rocking, swaying or gyrating, but it was there again tonight.

After a while I felt a jolt of something (adrenaline... energy?) in the region of the bottom centre of my ribcage. There was an associated tingling around the inside elbow region of both arms.

After another while I began mispronouncing the mental words of my noting and shortly after that the noting became a struggle. I think I was forgetting to do it and my mind kept wandering and thinking. Moments would go by before I remembered to note again. This led into a frustrating sensation of being under a glass ceiling. Feeling there was something worthwhile beyond but unable to reach it.

Again, I'm not certain I've reported this in the order that it occurred...