Shaun's journal

Thanks for your encouragement Aquanin.

"I had a rotten day today. I usually do on a Monday. I felt irritated by certain people around me, resentful, angry, disgusted and despondent. I guess the consolation is that it didn't "sting" as much as it usually does. I'm looking forward to sitting."

Join the club! Same here. It's hard to feel as if you're making progress in your practice and then have this stuff continue to be painful. Even after stream entry it can still get to you, although there's a lot more awareness going on.

As for the itches: I don't see a problem with thinking of them as insects or whatever crawling across your skin. Sometimes it feels as if my whole nose is just one big sparkler. Itches that burn and blossom like a flower are getting penetrated by the mind; they're not static. So it sounds good, in spite of being incredibly annoying.

I don't mind the itching because my attention is so focused for that short while I don't have time to think about the DN stuff that's manifesting in the rest of my life.

At work today: bad bleedthrough. I really need to learn how to hold my tongue!

48 mins.

Launched straight into noting. Fairly quickly began to observe long-lived, pronounced itches. I observed erratically fluctuating intensity and a fine grained vibratory quality. I got a bit excited when an itch appeared at the traditional site of the third eye. I observed that for a while: the itch either morphed into, or was replaced by a vibration which lingered a little. The quality of the vibration changed slightly, but as I write this I don't remember how. At another point I was noticing too many sensations coming too quickly for me to note them, so I stopped noting for a while.

There was the usual subtle rocking, swaying and gyrating but it stopped at one point in the session and didn't reappear.

Towards the end of the session I had a moment of fear. Then I felt like I'd had enough... My face grimaced and I wept a little. After a couple of moments I just sat there resigned. There was a movement, behind my closed eyes from right to left.

I think I might be projecting my little knowledge of the maps into my meditation. It's hard to tell at the moment if I'm wishing the stages to occur or if they actually are occurring as naturally as they should.

I'm really afraid: my wife is very ill. I wasn't going to meditate, but after reading some of Aquanin's (hi Aquanin) journal, I felt inspired to do a short sit.

30 mins. In bed.

Straight into noting. Quickly picked up speed until I was noting at a rapid pace. Much itching, some pain in my stomach and occasional stabs of mild pain in my feet. Soon after this the itching subsided and I became aware of vibrations in my hands. A short while again and I became aware of vibrations in all of my extremities. Even though I was in bed and quite warm I felt a wave of chill come over me. There was another wave that came over me but it was such a foreign sensation that even though I acknowledged it, I didn't/don't have the vocabulary to note it. And now the memory of the quality of the sensation is lost to me. After this my noting became a bit raggedy. Was feeling pretty miserable, which then subsided a bit. I decided to allow my attention to diffuse, as an experiment and discovered that I lost the ability to note effectively; it was just a torrent of thoughts, only noted well after the fact, until I lost consciousness briefly. At which point I decided to end the session.

Glad I could be of inspiration, but I do hope your wife feels better.

As far as your sit. What do you mean you lost consiousness?

"As far as your sit. What do you mean you lost consiousness? "

I don't know to be honest but I don't think it was anything significant. To be pragmatic, I was exhausted and sitting up in bed and it was about midnight, so I think I just fell asleep for a couple of moments.

50 mins. On timer.

Began with noting from the beginning. Noting pace varied but was fairly rapid at times, not leaving a lot of time for thinking. When thoughts did arise, they were most often "doubt", "mapping" and "reporting". I noted a lot of itching, with much variation in duration, intensity, and quality: sometimes I was able to penetrate the sensation and noted "itch increasing" or "itch decreasing" (in intensity), "itch moving", "itch changing to vibrations" (or vice versa). There was an itch on the tip of my left ring finger that sat there for an age, then it would disappear and then come back, stay for a while, disappear, come back. It was persistent. Another itch at my right temple changed to vibrations and then to an ache. There were light little fluttering sensations. The one I remember was directly between my eyes, which felt like it was hovering about 2 or 3 millimetres above the surface of my skin. At one stage in the meditation the sensations were coming too fast for me to note them all. As usual there was ever-present knee pain but at one point in the session, towards the end, the pain in my left knee changed to vibration, which then began to pulse before reverting to solid pain again.

Again, I'm not confident that my reports are chronologically accurate. I don't remember the order that everything occurs in. I suspect that I need to work on this somehow...

50 mins.

I was really looking forward to this session and approached it with an expectation of good things happening. I began by counting breaths 1-10 x3.

Almost from the outset I was aware of warmth and a vibrating sensation in the palms of my hands. I had a lump in my throat for most of the session accompanied by some tightness, so there was lots of swallowing. For about the first 5-10 minutes I had an erratically recurring brief pulse of pain in the sole of my right foot.

I haven't reported this previously but my back often moves of its own accord. It's only a slight movement but I can think of no other word than "slump" to describe it, though that suggests some sort of collapse, but it isn't that... It seems measured or controlled. When this happens I note "release".

At first I had difficulty penetrating the itches, but after a while I began to observe them as fine grained vibrations. There were also "twittering" fluctuations in levels of intensity, slower fading up/down levels of intensity and changes in quality (eg. a very strong itch on my left temple began to feel like a point of pressure)

At about the 10-15 minute mark, there was a mild flare of light in my lower left field of view. Several minutes later my field of view "widened" and pulled back. Shortly afterwards I noted "feeling miserable". Followed by; a cluster of sensations all very unpleasant. About 20 minutes in there was another mild flare of light followed by a widening and drawing back of my field of view. I burped and there were too many sensations occurring too swiftly for me to note.

There was a point in the meditation when I felt mildly OK about the pain, the itches, etc., and then it felt like I'd cycled back to where I began.

50 mins.

Sitting on the sofa in an attempt to "go deeper" which I thought I might achieve if I didn't have to contend with the painful knees that I get when I'm sitting on the stool.

For the first 10 minutes I tried staring into a candle flame to achieve concentration.

For a short while I noted mentally but I found myself sliding into sleep... I think I did fall asleep momentarily, so I switched to noting vocally. Mostly noted "aching" (back) and "itching". Also, "thinking"and "imaging". Occasionally I noted "frustration" and "discouraged".

Almost from the beginning I was aware of the fine vibrations in my palms. Itches were mostly opaque... Some were very strong and/or lingering. Occasionally I was aware of itches fading in or out and/or having a vibratory quality to them.

A couple of times I just wanted to throw in the towel, but persisted nonetheless and tried to examine the impulse to give up. Didn't get anywhere with that.

Feeling very discouraged.

I've just read this in the transcript of Kenneth's Buddhist Geeks interview, "Ordinary People Can Get Enlightened":

"So, I had gotten to the point where I was sitting for a couple of weeks, meditation had become quite uneventful. All of the big, exciting, 'wow' things of my earlier practice had kind of eased up and I was just sitting. This is what they call 'knowledge of equanimity' on the map. And one day, after lunch, I was sitting and I got so deep in my meditation, it was almost as though I went to sleep, or just lost consciousness for a moment. And then, suddenly, I perked up and I said to myself, 'What was that? Was that it? I think that was it.' It meaning, the 1st path. And I had been alerted by Bill Hamilton that 1st path is actually a great anticlimax."

I've had a few of these moments of what I thought was falling asleep momentarily (during meditation), over the last couple of days. Is it possible I've reached first path? Can anyone advise me?

To be honest, by the sounds of your reports, your sits are the opposite of what Kenneth describes as Equanimity. As for the blip outs, hard to say. What are your sits like now in detail? After stream entry you will go through Review where you start at A&P and go up to EQ, have a fruition and then right back to A&P.

Thanks Aquanin. I thought it was all a bit subtle. Surely entering path wouldn't be *that* subtle. After I posted my query, I read a few people's reports of stream entry and saw that my experience didn't match at all. Thanks again for your help.

There are many reports of it being very subtle though. You almost have to think of it as a non-event rather than an event. It's usually the after effects that make you realize that something happened.

Hmm, right, I get it. I'm learning an awful lot being here. I'm yearning/craving for attainments which in itself is causing me suffering, so for the moment I'm going to forget about maps, etc., just do the work and appreciate it for what it is.

40 mins. Noting.

I observed a relationship between bodily sensation and states of mind. An itch triggered a feeling of suffering in the mind which seemed to affect the itch, making it more intense which provoked further suffering in the mind. Towards the beginning of the session there was a lingering coldness around my thighs which prompted me to slightly alter my seating position.

I noticed a vibratory sensation around and behind my eyes (this reappeared towards the end of the session). I noticed a diversity of "behaviour" in itching wherever it occurred. Some itches were opaque, others had an energetically bubbly quality, others burned, or had a pressure-like quality, others fluctuated in intensity, others changed from one quality to another (itch to pressure to bubbling, etc.), others were quick to arise and pass away and others lingered for a long time... Or sometimes disappeared and then reappeared. At one stage there was a pulsing ache in the back of my neck which then changed into an itch.

On several occasions I noticed very subtle fluttering sensations on the surface of my skin.

At about the 30 minute mark I saw a subtle flash of light in my lower left field of view which was followed by slight rocking.

I was noting vocally. For about the last five minutes of the session, despite feeling alert and not at all sleepy, I noticed my voice take on a groggy quality.

50 mins

Noting. For a few days now, as I launch into noting, one of the first things I become aware of is the warmth in my palms as they rest on my thighs. Then I notice the vibrations there. Over the course of the meditation my attention would come back to this and I noted the vibration spreading up my forearms to my upper arms to my neck and from there up and down to the extent of the forward facing surfaces of my body. Also to the top and back of my head.

I read in someone's journal, (was it Jackwick's?) about the sensation of the front of her face pushing back into her head. I experienced that briefly. It was spontaneous, but I do have to wonder if it was just a product of my suggestibility.

Many itches as usual, but I made a point of sticking with the dominant itch until that sensation played itself out. I noted the change to the fine grade vibrations. There was one particular itch though that had a chunky, uneven vibratory quality to it. There were also the itches that had an accompanying sense of pressure to them. There were also some itches which began as lightly fluttering, ticklish sensations. Another itch in particular sat belligerently in the fold between the chin and the lower lip. At one stage, there was a storm of itches all over my face.

The itching died down significantly a bit later in the session. At some stage, I don't remember when... I felt something on my back and I felt a jolt of fear go through me. At another stage, I felt pretty chilled: minimal itching and no pain; quite content.

A few times, I noted "impatience", wanting to look at the timer. I resisted the urge. (This is absurd to me: I really value my meditation... why do I feel this urge to quit while I'm sitting for what is actually such a small period out of the day)

Ps. For the first time today, while at work, each time I went outside for a cigarette, I noted. Picking up the pace.

Wife's health is very bad. Tried to sit but too anxious. Lasted 20 mins. Nothing to report.

Good wishes for you and your wife, Shaun.

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you're in 3rd nana territory with dips into A&P.

"Good wishes for you and your wife, Shaun.

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you're in 3rd nana territory with dips into A&P. "

Thank you Nadavspi.

"Good wishes for you and your wife, Shaun.
"

Ditto.

"Ditto."

Thanks Aquanin. Russell isn't it?

50 mins on timer. Noting vocally and recorded to help me report more accurately.

Strong itching began within a minute or two of sitting. Attention felt skittish, so counted breath cycles 1-10 x3. The vibrations in my hands were a constant throughout the entire session. Any time there was no other dominating sensation, my awareness would turn to my hands and the vibrations would be there. I noted a lot of itching as per usual and observed various behaviours. Noted one particular itch as "sharp and aggressive" and later in the session there was an itch, the likes of which I don't recall ever experiencing before. It was very strong. Another itch I noted as "popping". Towards the end of the session an itch on my lower lip felt like it had roots growing under the surface of my skin.

Despite my intention to forget about maps and just focus on the here and now of the noting process, I regularly noted "thinking maps". There was also a fair bit of "thinking reporting".

About 9 minutes in, I noted a mild sense of "pleasure". At about the 12 minute mark my awareness expanded briefly to encompass my whole body, which was followed by noting "breath flowing free and easy". A few minutes later, "frustration", followed by "aversion". Shortly afterwards "expansion", "vibration", (flash of) "light". "Annoyed", "tension", "trembling". Then "containment", "adrenaline" and "sigh".

Continued next post.

Midway through the session, my mind felt sharper and clearer. There was also subtle but frenetic, indeterminate mental activity that I was unable to penetrate. I could sense the tone and frequency but not the content. A moment or two later I felt "movement" in my head. Felt physical but wasn't and accompanied by a mild sensation of euphoria in face, chest and arms. Everything vibrating finely. At approx. 30 minute mark my hands felt chunky and clumsy. Shortly afterwards, my voice sounded distant and "not me". A minute later my whole body felt "not me". Again, shortly later my mind felt "jumpy", "erratic" and abstracted".

A few minutes from the end, the quality of my awareness altered. I noted "awareness expanding, horizontal, panoramic". I also noted "excitement". When the timer sounded, I was startled but otherwise felt quite at ease and in no hurry to get up.

"Thanks Aquanin. Russell isn't it?"

Yes, it is Russell. Hope your wife is doing well.

As for your sits. Once again, i am no expert but I have to agree with Nadav and look at post 11 in your journal. I still stand by that. These solid feeling itches you talk about and moving into vibration stuff sounds like 3C's moving into A&P.