Shaun's journal

I trust you, Russell. And, my apologies. Please forgive me if I've come across abrasive or arrogant in any way. I really don't mean to be.

"I trust you, Russell. And, my apologies. Please forgive me if I've come across abrasive or arrogant in any way. I really don't mean to be."

Ohh don't trust me. I am not expert by any means. It just seems to line up. Take it as an opinion.

You have never come across abrasive whatsoever.

"Ohh don't trust me. I am not expert by any means. It just seems to line up. Take it as an opinion.

You have never come across abrasive whatsoever."

Ok, good. Everything's cool then.

40 mins.

Vocal noting. This session much like previous sessions. Nothing new to add.

45 mins. Vocal noting.

Itching and aching were the predominant sensations throughout the sit. I was managing to penetrate a lot of the itching so I was noticing the arising and passing of individual itches as well as the various qualities, whether they resolved to vibrations or stabbed or lingered or subsided and returned multiple times over prolonged periods of time. One particular itch on my lower lip felt like it was boring through my lip to the other side. When itches resolved to vibrations I tried to penetrate the vibrations, but without any success.

Felt a momentary twitch of fear. Throughout the session, there was a fair amount of spontaneous imaging of a grotesque nature.

I felt a prickling in my hip which ended with a sudden stabbing pain. At one point in the midst of noting "itching, itching, itching", I noted "pleasure". Further in there was some very subtle rocking.

I felt a sensation of pressure in my head... Shortly afterwards I noted "frustration" which was followed by an unpleasant tingling pressure that had an odd feeling of "sweetness" about it, in and at the back of my head. A minute or two later I had that unpleasant sweet sensation in my cheeks and cheekbones.

As I listened back to the recording and writing up this report I heard myself whimpering as I stretched forward on my hands with my forehead touching the ground.

Noting "frustration", "aversion", "desperate" (for an end to the unwavering unpleasantness). Almost tearful.

Again, that unpleasant "sweet" sensation at the back of my neck.

An odd sensation above my temples: feels like egg white that has been brushed onto the skin and left to dry.

A very mild and brief sense of my whole body vibrating and being OK with the pains, aches and itches.

30 mins. Vocal noting

A great deal of "thinking", "imaging" and "itching". Some "pain", "sorrow", "disappointment" and "fear".

40 mins. Vocal noting

I seem to need at least a small measure of tranquility to effectively meditate. Aching back and knees is ever present. Within the first few minutes I experienced and noted 'tension', 'aching', 'pain" 'thinking' and "discontent". My breathing became laboured (noted 'breathing laboured') and a moment later I noted "acquiescence".

Soon afterwards I noted 'tightness" (foot) and 'tension" (shoulders), and then again 'breathing laboured".

I began to penetrate the itching: an itch on my elbow changed to pain.

An itch took up sustained residence in my right nostril for what seemed like five or so minutes before it faded and another took up residence in my left nostril.

Tightness in my abdomen... Noted 'tightness", then "aversion" and then I saw a very dull flash of light. These light flashes are always in the same position in my field of view: lower left periphery.

Felt a sensation of 'pressure' on my cheekbones. Then noted 'itching', then 'thinking', 'itching', 'thinking', 'itching', 'acquiescence' and 'release".

Again, 'tightness' in my abdomen and 'laboured breathing".

An itch on the back of my neck broke up into fizzing vibrations.

I also noted 'itch fizzing', 'piercing' and 'fizzing' again. Followed by 'heaviness'. Another itch on my neck was 'crawling'. Another itch on my neck was 'crackling' and 'popping'. Again, on my neck a dull itch began 'fizzing" then 'moving' and 'increasing' (in intensity).

I lengthened and straightened my spine and I saw another dull light flash.

See next post.

I felt a sensation of tightness at my temples. Soon afterwards there were too many sensations (itches) for me to keep up with. Then I began to note 'aching' when I was experiencing itches and should have been noting 'itching'.

There was more 'tension', more 'aching' and 'itching'. Not long after this I began noting 'thinking timer'

At one stage toward the end of the session, I noted 'relief' but I don't remember why.

44 mins

Began with breath counting 1 - 10 x 2 then proceeded to use a relaxation/concentration technique that I stumbled on a number of years ago: breath in, hold breath while visualising feet (then shins, then knees, then thighs, etc. moving up to the crown), release breath (just breathing out doesn't seem to have the same effect as actually releasing the breath - anyone heard of this and know why?). At this point I felt quite relaxed and proceeded to visualise all space beyond my skin (outwards) and all interior (mind) space (inwards) with my flesh and self-hood being the barrier separating these two extents burning up into nothingness, so that I felt, as long as I continued to visualise these vastnesses, selfless. This selfless state lasted for a few seconds. I sat in a relaxed, tranquil and slightly euphoric state for about 20 mins.

Then I began to note. The pain, the aches and the itches flooded in on me like a burst dam. I did notice though that my ability to note seemed easier than usual. My mind felt lubricated.

50 mins. Vocal noting

To begin with I had a lump in my throat, so there was a lot of swallowing. Much itching throughout the sit which began opaque but then revealed qualities of slow fades up and down in intensity, fine grade vibrations, heat, fluttering, pressure and pain. One itch in particular, on my left forefinger was very persistent and didn't break down at all. I began to think it was a mosquito bite. After the sit i checked my finger: no bite. Towards the end of the sit I noticed that most itches were appearing on the right side of my body before ceasing and then appeared predominantly on the left side of my body. I also noticed an itch would appear, above my right ankle for example, then fade away before reappearing in the same spot (what seemed like) approx. 5 minutes later. Again, at one stage the itches were appearing so thick and fast that I struggled to keep up with noting them all. A few times I felt pinprick sensations of heat and cold.

Mind objects noted: thinking, imaging, remembering, frustration, impatience.

Edit: I just remembered, at some point in the sit there was a very brief sensation in my head that was a bit wierd. I want to say it was a soundless buzz. That'd be a vibration of some sort, I guess. It was very brief... maybe a second or two in duration.

Wasn't able to meditate yesterday, but today:

30 mins. Vocal noting.

Counted the breath to 10 and then began noting. I set out to name sensations as rapidly as possible. I estimate that at my quickest I was noticing three or four sensations per second and was naming them vocally at about two to three per second. A long way off D. Ingram's thirty to forty sensations per second. A short way into the sit I began to notice varying qualities of different itches, but because I was focused on building speed I didn't dwell on them. Also, I often feel sensations that I don't know how to name... they're not itches or pain or any other sensation I'm familiar with, so I usually just acknowledge them mentally. I'd really like to get beyond the 3 C's sometime soon.

Daniel isn't talking about noting 30-40 sensations a second in MCTB. I believe he is speaking at which rate he can notice vibratory sensations during A&P and high equanimity. When you are doing Mahasi noting, 1-2 a second is fine.

Ah, I see. Thanks for setting me straight, Russell.

For about a week I've been vaguely disgusted, disenchanted and I'll at ease with my practice, (I found that as the hour approached for my sit I was feeling dread) so for a few days I didn't meditate at all. Tonight, I hadn't given any thought to sitting but at about ten o'clock it occurred to me to give it a go. I decided to forget about maps, goals and achievements and just do the sit for its own sake.

45 mins. Vocal noting.

Counted ten breath cycles and then launched into noting at as rapid a pace as I could. For the most part I kept up this pace. There were slower moments and one non-vocal stretch. The pain in my knees and back, though noted when it occurred, seemed much less troublesome than it has in the past. There was a lot of itching all over my body but for the most part seemed to cluster around my face. There was one itch that sat obstinately, intensely and painfully on my left forefinger. Despite my resolution at the beginning of my sit, I noted "fear", (though it was a mild trepidation), "misery", "disgust" and "desire for it all to stop". There was a fair bit of low level rocking and swaying. In the last ten minutes of the sit I felt a building sensation in my chest, which I have trouble describing... it was pressure or adrenaline...excitement... (I noted "that, that, that") which was accompanied by feeling like I was on a roller coaster track and that something big was going to happen. The sensation mounted and mounted, the noting occurred quicker and quicker... and then it stopped. Stone cold.

20 mins.

From the moment I sat, I felt anxious. I experienced this as a dull tightening in my chest and an accompanying sensation in my upper arms, but struggling to actually pinpoint the nature of the sensations I noted, "that, that, that". There was also that feeling that "something big" was coming. There was only a very brief and mild experience of pain in my knees and back, whereas previously this has given me a lot of trouble during my sits. Towards the end there was some mild unwilled rocking.

20 mins. Vocal noting.

Squirming, nausea, disappointment, disinclination, impatience, boredom.

30 mins. Vocal noting.

Found myself drifting into thoughts and imaging without realising for several moments. Concentration of itching around my face and one persistent itch on my right arm, which afterwards I discovered to be an insect bite. Drifting in and out of sleep towards the end.

For a few short seconds I felt myself to be just an observer in this drama of itches and tickling and vibrations. When I was distracted by noting another sensation this feeling passed and when I tried to get back there, I managed to do so, but again only for a couple of seconds. I keep thinking I ought to try noting by prefixing each utterance with "It's". "It's itching", "It's aching", etc.

32 mins

Began with counting breath 10 x 3. Vocal noting with a period of approx. 5 minutes mental noting. I noticed that the noting at this non-vocal stage became a bit slushy and sloppy. Much thinking, remembering and imaging. Some grotesque images. (I've read about that somewhere; need to look it up). Much itching around face.

33 mins.

Proceeded with the words, "I am already dead. I will attain stream entry."

Intermittent pain in my left foot. I watched it arise and pass away, noting "pain". Much itching and as seems a pattern, one itch in particular, lingers, is strong and clear. It seemed to fade away only when my attention was diverted to other objects. Breathing became laboured and anxiety washed over me and remained for quite some time. It occurred to me to just accept it. So I did. There was some grotesque imaging amongst the thinking and remembering. Also, some pronounced though gentle swaying, rocking and to a lesser extent, gyrating.

27 mins. Vocal noting.

Much itching. Seeing them beginning and ending as well as moving, changing to vibrations, pressure, heat and cold. Some wandering towards the end. Don't really feel like I'm making any progress with this. A bit disheartening.

approx. 20 mins.

Noting at a relaxed pace. "Hearing", "itching", "thinking", "imaging". Also, something I haven't done for a while: noted "rising/falling" observing the motion of my stomach as I inhaled/exhaled. There was a clear, pinpoint sensation of cold on my right cheekbone. I began to feel drowsy and I changed my noting to "that, that, that". Despite all that has contributed to my general feeling of unease in recent weeks, I felt OK about everything. I think I began to drift into sleep when I heard and felt, at or near the top of my head something like a rubber band snapping against itself.

Hi Shaun,
I've enjoyed looking over your journal, thanks for sharing it. A word about nanas: it's entirely possible that you may not make a straight progression up through the nanas to cessation. I spent two and half years looping through them without really knowing where I was at on the maps most of the time. I passed through the A&P four times before SE for example.

It can take some time to gain the experience necessary to more accurately diagnose where you're at - seeing patterns repeat themselves; and then be able to confidently say, "oh this is such and such". It's best to keep it open though and beware of wishful thinking and scripting. Be patient with yourself. Live your life as best you can. Do other things aside from practice. If you are not already, work on being mindful off the cushion too - the more the better, but avoid straining. Really we just need to remind ourselves to be aware, very gently..."am I aware?". If you are already on top of these issues, then disregard the above! You're doing great, getting discouraged is a good sign - and an opportunity. Hang in there.
Mike