Jim's practice journal

I feel like my review mojo is falling off. It kind of has this Flowers For Algernon feel.

Started practicing with a kasina today.

I tried a white one, a brown one, a pastel purple one, and a dark red one. The red one immediately started shifting and changing when I looked at it, and the color is the most interesting for me, so I decided I'm going to experiment with that one for awhile.

It's a 9" diameter circle with a thick black border set against a plain white background about 6.5' from me. I sit on my bed and look down at it against the bathroom door.

A few seconds after staring at the kasina, a blue after-image forms and floats gently over the surface of the kasina. If I hold the kasina as a whole (at the borders) in my visual field, the entire kasina turns black. (It's almost like the black border rushes inward to fill it.) At first this would remain black for a fraction of a second and revert, but now it remains black for up to 5 seconds. It then reverts to red.

A few times it feels like it's gone "beyond" the black. At those times, the whole thing turns white and is indistinguishable from the white background. The white-out remains for about 3 seconds and then reverts to black and then to red or perhaps just straight back to red.

There are a lot of times the kasina looks like it's "between" black and white, i.e., it looks gray, almost like the surface of the moon.

Sat 30, walked 15
Lots and lots of planning thoughts. The strong ones make me fidget a lot, which is good, because that makes me realize I'm lost in thought, and I come back to the here-and-now.

The sit started with a lot of throbbing in the head and hands. After awhile, swirls of lights appeared in the visual field. If I suddenly became aware of the visual field, the lights would shudder.

When I got up to walk, I noticed that experience seemed mildly alien but that I had no emotions. I tended to wander off into fantasy a lot. Upon coming back to the here-and-now, I tried not to judge and noted 'trying'.

Practiced for 30 minutes with the kasina. Also practiced informally while I was at work.

I've picked out 4 distinct stages of appearance when I stare at the kasina. First it looks normal. But a few seconds later the gray-blue after-image forms over top of it and seems to swirl or float over it. There comes a point where my eyes seem to take the kasina as a whole, and at that point it's as though the black border rushes in, and the whole kasina turns black. The fourth stage is that sometimes the kasina turns completely white and seems to disappear. The second stage is the way it appears most often. Every couple of minutes it turns black. And I think it turned completely white maybe 5 or 6 times while I was looking at it.

Regardless of whatever state it was in, after about 10 or 12 minutes of doing this, there was the sense that my mind was getting drawn into the kasina. Thoughts really quieted down. I'd start to have a thought, but it'd stop right away. I didn't have to apply effort. I was just getting really interested in the kasina.

About 15 minutes in, I closed my eyes and turned my attention to my body. Initially I was distracted by all the psychedelic stuff going on behind my eyes, but I turned the attention more and more toward the body.

At first I started noting pleasant sensations in the body (like I do with Mahamudra noting), but I quickly stopped that and tried to take the body in a general way, as a whole.

I experienced what felt like a compression, especially along the outside of my arms and up in my face. It felt almost like my body was pulsing. It felt like the border of my body (again, esp outside of arms and face) was swelling gently. The intensity of this feeling changed with the breath, getting more intense at the bottom of the outbreath, to the point where I felt like my mind was going to fall into this feeling, and I'd nod off.

I felt really friggin' chilled out. A little too much, so I opened my eyes and stared at the kasina for awhile to get my energy back up. Unfortunately I was not able to replicate the result again.

Any helpful feedback is appreciated here. Did I touch 1st jhana? Any hints of how to make the feelings stronger? Move up to 2nd jhana?

You are experiencing the kasina almost exactly like I did when I started six months ago -- so that's great, because I feel it has been an incredibly powerful practice for me. I think you are definitely approaching first jhana. I remember how it felt for me the first few time -- it felt like an altered state, like I was locked in and the space around me was different than before. It was very distinct. Now I don't notice it, because I think I either skip the early jhanas or go through them so fast I don't really notice. I should try to get that hard "lock in" again, it was really cool.

It takes a while, so definitely stay with it. You did the right thing in picking the most interesting kasina -- that is what I did too. Eventually for me, the after image would arise and seem to move towards me, making my eyes cross, and then the kasina would split into two images. It was very interesting, because all kinds of strange things happened for many months after that. Now it is pretty tame, but I still get the split image about half the time.

My only advice is to really just look at the kasina, and really put all of your focus onto it, but don't try to control the experience at all. Let go completely. Just look, very intently, with great curiousity. It is your focus that will take you into the early jhanas. Unlike the higher jhanas, I didn't find them to be subtle, they were truly different than just looking at the kasina. Exclude everything else, and let your focus lock in.

Thanks for this advice. I'm glad to know I'm on the right track.

Do you suggest sticking with the kasina, or should I switch focus to the body when the after image arises?

The practice feels like trying to start a fire by rubbing sticks together. I get the "coal" (concentration) from the kasina, and then I try to carry it to the tinder (my body) and then blow on it (cultivate the positive feel). Sounds like I'm working too hard and I should just stare at the damn circle. Yeah?

15 mins kasina, 30 mins walking/noting
Stared at kasina for 15 mins, which significantly quieted the mind-chatter. Then I walked 30 mins, starting and pausing every few laps to close my eyes and tune into the sensations in the body. Started by noticing a gentle throbbing in the extremities. As the session continued, it seemed like my sense of self got weaker, but my concentration remained moderate to high. I noticed that in this state, there were very few stories being spun. I was attuned to the changing sensations within and around me, and when a thought arose, it was easily dropped.

The gentle, gross vibrations stopped, and I began noticing finer vibrations behind my left ear and somewhere else in my head. Maybe in my left hand, too. I noticed that when I opened my eyes after a pause for standing meditation, the entire visual field seemed new somehow, like my self had just been dropped into the room for the first time.

In this state of weak sense of self and moderately high concentration, experience easily became panoramic after awhile: a sensation in the body, then a sound outside, then a taste in the mouth, then the visual field. It's like I was gently holding the globe of experience, watching all these things arise and pass in it.

I started spinning in thoughts at this point about the relationship between concentration and sense of self, between the nanas and the jhanas. I reassured myself that I could write all this down once I was done, but right now the important thing was to continue paying attention to the sensations. I paused, closed my eyes, regrounded in the body, and continued my mindful walking.

30 mins kasina

Well this was interesting. For the first 15 minutes, it was exactly like yesterday: kasina is red, kasina has grey-blue thing floating over it, grey-blue floating thing "locks" on to kasina and kasina looks like grey glowing thing, kasina turns black, then either back to grey thing or back to swirling. And to help me stay focused I'd note "red", "swirl", "pale", or "black" as it did these.

Then a couple times in the last 15 mins, in the grey/pale or black phase, the kasina seemed to pop out. It seemed like it was in some space between where it was and me. Or maybe I was in some larger space with the kasina? Either way, something weird happened to the spatial perspective. And there was this feeling like, "Oh, there it is." But I couldn't hold it, and we'd go back to pale or swirling.

Actually, it reminds me of when you're looking at a chain-link fence, and you cross your eyes a little, and the fence seems to pop out at you.

Having never experienced jhana, I have no clue if that was a brush up against first jhana or not. I guess my mind will find it when it's ready, right?

"Do you suggest sticking with the kasina, or should I switch focus to the body when the after image arises?"

I stay with the kasina. Especially in the beginning, it takes time to reach the jhanas. I have usually sat for an hour, and early on it might take me 45 minutes to go into first jhana. It gradually becomes easier, but the jhanas also lose their appeal and dissatisfaction sets in, as always, pushing you towards the next jhana.

Then again, this is just me. I had so much trouble focusing on the breath that I had to try something else. For some reason the visual aspect of the kasina really works for me. Now I have great concentration most of the time, and I am also free to do insight at the same time.

I've made a few changes to my concentration practice:

(1) Switch from the red circle kasina to a candle. It's a little more interesting to look at, the after-image comes more easily, and I hear it's easy to work with jhana w/ the candle as a starting point.

(2) Really working on letting go and surrendering to this process and watching what comes up rather than trying to force things, push through stages, nail things down, or use the map. This is hard for me, but the payoff is enormous.

Once I realized the first jhana is basically the first nana, I stopped obsessing over whether I'd gotten into first jhana. If thinking is sufficiently at bay - i.e., if it's happening but I'm not embedded in it - and if the focus is straight ahead with some movement of a push/pull variety, I call it first jhana. "Good enough for government work."

The interesting thing happens a little bit after that, where my focus falls off the after-image and alights on something in the background, right past the after-image. This causes a stabilization of the after-image, bringing a huge sense of relief. This is also where body feelings start, usually a feeling like I'm going up in an elevator or coming down. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is second jhana. (There's a feeling here of being stoned.)

I'm not sure if I've hit the third jhana yet. I remember a part shortly after what I'm calling second jhana where my attention moved to the periphery. Specifically, I noticed sounds a lot more, and the body sensation moved to my silhouette. I'm not confident it's third jhana, so for now I'm just going to call this a deeper stage of second jhana. Subsequent practice might clear it up.

The map thoughts float around in the background while I'm doing this, but it's sooooo much easier when I'm not obsessing over them and just let that kind of reflection wait until afterward. "Yes, I know you're worried about where you are, but I promise, we can obsess over this til the cows come home - AFTER we're done with the mother@#$*ing practice session."

And really, it's so much healthier from a psychological perspective. I walk off those sessions feeling great.

I should describe the exact procedure I'm using:

(1) Stare at the candle flame until I feel like (a) I'm really seeing it, (b) the mind quiets down significantly, (c) I'm experiencing some tranquility. All three come obviously and at once.

(2) Close eyes, look at after-image. This is where I have to observe my aversion, because the after-image moves around a lot, there are lots of other visuals, and it takes awhile to adjust from the calm quiet of the candle to the buzz behind my eyelids.

(3) Chill out and just try to follow (not push or lead or analyze) what's going on.

(4) If stuff completely dies down, go back to (1).

Neat! I'm not someone that has a lot of clarity on Jhanas, so I'm saying this as much to learn as to offer ideas!

For what it's worth, I always associate third jhana with cool/numb skin. That might be the "stoned" feeling. Second seems more like sun bathing, a full feeling on or in front of the face. First is more intentional concentration and a more like a single contact point (e.g., rubbing of breath on nose/nostril).

(???)

One thing that might help for #3 in your procedure is to check if you are "leaning in" or "leaning out" in the following. There seems to be a minimal kind of recognition/relaxing that can be done while following an experience. This is a pretty subtle adjustment but can help keep the energy flowing and the moment interesting.

Hope it helps!

Thanks for these considerations, betawave.

I'm so new to this, I'm sure there's stuff happening that I'm not noticing. The main body sensations I've noticed are the aforementioned heaviness (or lightness) - a feeling like going up or down in an elevator. And then there was one time (I think it was just once) where I focused on warmth in my hands, and that moved up and around my body a bit (sounds very second jhana-ish by your description and others).

The stoned feeling might just be due to concentration in general, which I find generally chills me out and makes me feel dumb (in a good way, i.e., quiet, not overthinking, etc.).

I'll keep in mind the bit about leaning in/out. I have an overwhelming tendency to lean in (if I catch your meaning). I'm often checking the body, relaxing the shoulders, correcting the bearing-down tendency, letting go - then getting into it, getting intense, bearing down - then realizing what's happening, chilling out, etc. I'm still very much in the beginning stage of this new dimension of my practice.

thanks again!

Jhana exploration continues apace.

I hit 5th jhana last night for the first time and did it again this morning. I guess it was the first time. I kind of feel like if you're gotten 4th jhana, 5th jhana is so close to it, it's hard not to at least touch it. The main difference for me is that the content drops out, and it's merely the form of expansiveness, the form of space, which predominates. Which means that it becomes less sensory and more mental in nature.

This is considered a "formless" jhana, but that's a bit of a misnomer. It feels more like a content-less jhana. So you know you're in equanimity (4th jhana), because of how the sensations are behaving. The entire sense field is like a giant cluster of fireflies, one over here lighting up, then another over there, then another over there. There's a sense that the whole of experience is blown up like a balloon, and you know this because of how the borders of the body feel, how they seem to expand and then fluctuate and then disappear. The head feels weird. If you concentrate, you can nail down the spatial relations between things, but that tends to pull you out of that jhana/nana. Deep in that jhana, it feels like you're anywhere/everywhere.

Fifth jhana is like that, except you know the spatial dimension of it directly, without having to refer to bodily or auditory sensations. The crutch of sensation falls away, and there's a sense of the imagination doing its own thing here.

The most prominent physical sensation is a feeling of pressure all the way around the head, like if you were wearing an 80s sweat band, except the pressure is going out, not pushing inward. And there's a feeling of friction, as if your skull were deploying a parachute. Other than that, the body feels like it's getting smaller in comparison with the inflating representation of space itself.

Also, jhana is a lot cheaper than pot. Jes sayin.

Lotta tension this morning. Sat down to work through the jhanas, but it just wasn't coming together. After getting swept away into fantasy for the umpteenth time, I switched to noting, where things were suddenly a lot easier. I was still getting lost in thought, but it was bothering me a lot less. I'd occasionally switch back to the samatha side of things, just to see what they were like there, but the pull was definitely toward noting. Some mornings are like that.

After practicing about an hour, I went about my morning pre-work routine, during which I was very mentally agitated. I finished everything early and decided to just sit for ten minutes before going. I gave myself permission to have this moment of seclusion - not just from people or the demands of the day, but from the negativity, the movement, the swaying of the emotions.

And wouldn't you know it - after a couple minutes of this I found myself in the first jhana. Pretty much happened all on its own. Same thing with the second jhana. I just hung out there awhile, not wanting to manipulate or even necessarily ride the arc. Mostly just focused on allowing myself to feel what was there, to be there for it, to be close to it.

Everything felt so much more manageable when I was done. Things I had been fretting over not even 10 minutes ago seemed like nothing now. It's amazing how healthy it can be to just take your hands off the controls, even if it's just for 10 minutes.

"This is considered a "formless" jhana, but that's a bit of a misnomer. It feels more like a content-less jhana. So you know you're in equanimity (4th jhana), because of how the sensations are behaving. "

apperception,

I know practically nothing about the jhanas but something vaguely similar happened to me last night. I was doing breath samadhi meditation. Tthe emptiness around the breath sensations started pulling me more and more away from the breath and toward a content-less space where I rested for awhile. There were no other sensations such as pressure, white lights, etc. I have been doing a lot of mahamudra practice lately and that might have affected this.

jack

Sounds somewhat 4th jhana-ish. Mahamudra practice tends to take me to that territory.

Do you find your mind seems to prefer certain vipassana jhanas over others?

There are days (like just right now) where I feel like I'm faking my way through the first two jhanas, like I'm surfing on the surface of them but just can't get interested. And it's only when I get up to the third jhana that I really get absorbed into the experience and have what I consider to be the full jhana experience. Fourth jhana, even more so. I love those two strata. They come so easily to me.

I wonder if it's because I'm not comfortable working with strong body feelings. The body can feel really vague in the third and fourth jhanas. I like that a lot. In the third jhana it feels like a balloon with a vibrating edge. I picture molecules of air striking the interior of the balloon and pushing it outward. And then in fourth jhana it all tips over, and the body is there, but it's completely porous, and it's a matter of indifference whether you're experiencing your left toe or a sound down the street.

The first two jhanas feel like a weird game of Where's Waldo? to me. "Is there happiness?" "Is there enjoyment?" Maybe? Was that something there? Could be. They're subtle, subtle experiences for me. Nothing like the pleasure and joy I had heard about. The vipassana jhanas only get emphatic for me after I get above the 2nd. The sensations of the 3rd and 4th are intrinsically interesting to me, which pulls me in and intensifies the experience.

"Do you find your mind seems to prefer certain vipassana jhanas over others?"

4th and 5th for me - never liked third too much until recently. It's gotten more interesting, and after it arises now, concentration often "zooms" in and becomes very strong. I have a similar disinterest toward the first two as well, but I'm not sure if that's related to strong body feelings or not.

"Do you find your mind seems to prefer certain vipassana jhanas over others?"

Love the forth it's so restful. It can actually feel healing sometimes if your in an upset emotional state and can get in deep enough and just rest. Second is also sometimes very nice when I'm in the mood. The whole chest expands in love and joy. The arupa ones take a bit more effort and concentration for me. But when it have been strong, on retreat mostly, they are all very cool.

Don't like the first very much. Too much piti, edgy energy. Leigh Brasington said that he doubted if it was actually health to fire this up and stay to long in it. He recommended me to go quick into the second.

The 4th is superior to the 3rd in terms of the quality of mind. The 3rd has two sides to it. You can either dwell at the edge of it, where the vibrations are complex and can get pretty intense. There's a "buzz" here, and a feeling like you're about to jump off into something. I find the more I hang out here, the more chaotic this gets, to the point where it feels like my whole body is oscillating and I feel disoriented. It's not threatening, but it's not wholly pleasant either. Or you can dwell more in the center, which is vague and gooey and dreamy. I find just turning the attention to the breath while in this jhana will cultivate that dreamy, blissful stuff. Danger there is nodding off, which has happened to me more than once.

By contrast, the 4th is simpler, and you're right, more restful. There's no longer the opposition between in and out that you find in the 3rd jhana. Wherever you go, there you are. It has a Pac-Man quality to it, where if you go off the right side of the screen, you come back in on the left. It's not sleepy, either. It's too interesting to knock you out. But not in an amped-up way, like when you focus on the periphery in the 3rd jhana. If I ever spend any significant time in this jhana (or the jhanas above it), I'll be cool like Fonzie for some time after getting off the cushion. It's the ****.

I am A'ing & P'ing at the moment. If I don't pay attention, things feel normal, but if I tune into the body, it's still ringing like a bell.

I had forgotten about the insight cycle until recently when I started experiencing a lot of physical pain and crabbiness. I wasn't sure if I was at the 3rd nana or the 10th. I guess I was at the 3rd. I was doing vipassana jhana practice the other day. I thought I was transitioning from the 2nd to the 3rd jhana, and suddenly there were tingles and vibrations shooting up my back and into my head. "Oooh!" I said. It had been awhile.

Today's practice: sat 45 mins. Started out with general physical relaxation and then shifted into Mahamudra noting. Watched in particular as I released thoughts about the past and about the future and returned to the present moment. Noted "releasing" for each of those. Watched as I caught myself in thought/judgment about things, and noted "acceptance" as I returned to the simple, direct experience of the present moment.

After 10 minutes of this, I shifted my focus to the breath at the nose and pointed the eyes in the direction of the tip of the nose. Enjoyed the pleasure, peace, and seclusion of this state. Soon there was pulsing in the body and a feeling of happiness. I directed the gaze forward. The mind wandered a little bit here, but I gently brought it back and noted "releasing". As the warmth gradually built up in my hands, I noted "allowing".