Jim's practice journal

The warmth increased in intensity, and I stopped noting and just sunk into the experience. It was deeply pleasurable, especially in the middle of the out-breath. I often begin to experience some degree of sexual or physical arousal here, and today was no exception. I allow my focus to go past the mere physical sensations and rest on the enjoyment itself. (Hard to describe what that is, so I take my own account of that with a grain of salt.)

Basically just hung out here. Didn't manipulate anything. Just let the warmth continue to rise. The pleasure was very strong at times. At other times, the mind wandered. No big deal. Brought it back, did a little more noting of pleasurable sensations until the whole thing picked up some momentum again, and then I sunk in. Got into a grooooove with it.

After awhile, things really seemed to quite down, even when I was very tuned in. I mentally asked, "Is there coolness?" Yes, the breath was cool on the mouth. There was some coolness in the body. The body started to feel like cool, thin metal, so I tuned into that. The body inflated a bit, i.e., the limbs felt farther apart then they actually were. The head felt bigger than it really was. I focused gently and generally on the breath here. Got a floaty feeling. Really spaced out. Really peaceful. Lots of body and mind bliss.

Boredom and a general desire not to tour the dark night kicked in, so I expanded the awareness as far as it would go via the hearing door. Clarity returned. Things expanded a bit. Hung out there awhile, but I fell back to feeling drifty and vague. I was done with 3rd jhana, but 3rd jhana was not done with me. Body compressed and re-solidified. Think I fell below the 2nd jhana at that point. No biggie.

0 out of 1 found this valuable. Do you give a ****?

Practice has gotten pretty annoying. There are days I seem to cleanly and smoothly rise through the jhanas and reach Equanimity. I tend to inadvertently get the fruition there, so I'm trying to learn to control that with intention. But, I mean, how bad can a fruition really be?

Most days I sit, and the concentration is lousy, I spend about 80% of the time daydreaming, and there's no discernible movement through any strata. I was getting pretty annoyed with this at first, but I've almost come to expect it now. So I spend a lot of time "just sitting" with uncomfortable feelings, doing my best to give them space to just be what they are.

I seem to be going through very rapid cycles, though. They're not full-blown paths like when I got the first two paths. They're really quick (happening over about a week), and there's very little sense of having to "earn" them. If I show up, they happen. So maybe around mid-week, I can't do anything except release and accept to the best of my ability. And then by the end of the week, I can reach Equanimity and maybe higher jhanas. There's no strong sense of A&P or even of dark night. There are just days where I have my mojo and other days where I have no choice but to just deal with a mind that won't do what I want it to do.

My teacher believes I'm making very good progress. I'll admit that it's difficult for me to see. I feel like I'm wandering in a desert most days, and I have a lot less enthusiasm for this than I did a couple months ago.

I seem to be in a state that is like late-reobservation/early equanimity. (I say "a state that is like" because I don't take states and stages for granted anymore.) There's often a lot of pain, frustration, itching, and aversion, but along with it there arises the thoughts: "It is pain ... it is frustration ... it is itching ... it is aversion ... it is aversion ... aversion is natural ... this is what it is to have a mind." And then a period of openness, clarity, lightness with very little contraction or fantasizing or storytelling, and then perhaps I slide back to being a grumpy jerk, and then I let go again, and things are open, etc.

It occurs to me there are probably plenty of moments throughout the day when I'm as enlightened as a person could be. It's usually those off-guard moments where phenomena are doing their own thing, and I'm not concocting some story about them, thinking the stories represent reality when it fact they don't. Examples of such experiences include: that moment immediately following waking from dreamless sleep before the thoughts boot up, some moments in meditation where I was lost in something and then come back to reality but for a moment I'm just watching and haven't thought anything yet, moments when I'm driving and I'm thinking about something and then I notice for a moment that everything just is.

Such experiences appear like bedrock to me. Sometimes thoughts arise in them, but the thoughts don't disturb them. The sorts of thoughts that disturb them are usually fantasies in which there is a contraction of the self (a "constructor" as I call it). But if I'm aware of what's happening, those moments feel half-awake to me.

I can appreciate this state and I think it is very personal and hard to advise on, but like a fool, I'm going to mention one general thing that has helped me. I think I understand what you mean by feeling a sense of bedrock that just can't be touched. If this isn't helpful Jim, I hope it helps someone else...

To establish the initial context, first of all, I think it is appropriate to acknowledge that all the complaints we have about life are completely legitimate, whether it's driven by the state of the world these days, politics, environmental concerns, how people treat each other, flavors of repressive authority, how we all have to be somewhat "socialized" just to make it in this world... So the macroscopic analyses/stories are valid. Nothing needs to be done in that domain, except that we are making legitimate observations about the human condition.

Then with that kind of "taking the pressure off" -- we are not wrong about this stuff -- it's good to realize that "just because the world is ****, that doesn't mean I need to feel like ****." This idea can be harder to get, or we understand it but don't always remember or fully appreciate the magnitude of it. Those two are not connected, it's a kind of egotism that says the world suffers so we need to suffer, that we need to constrict ourselves. Fearless compassion in the face of suffering is fine, of course, that's what we're eventually shooting for, but meanwhile we need to work from where we are. Just because things are bad doesn't mean I need to feel bad. Getting this "truth" is required to have any attempt to get at the bedrock.

Once those are in place, it isn't time to blast bedrock, it's time to look for trickles of gas that's oozing out of the bedrock. There will be general, vague, almost nameless sense of "ill will" floating in the mind somewhere. cont...

The sense of ill will is what you search for. Once there is a feel for it, you can start searching around for the extent of this pocket of ill will: how does it feel, how do you know it is there? Does it fill the whole mind, is it more to the left/right up/down, does it move, does it vibrate, is it dull and heavy, is it fast or slow? What is the mood or emotion it arises in? How long does it stay?

This should be done for it's own sake. Many things can happen when taking this close look at ill will.

For me, sometimes it is just something that sits around trying to get attention, so I can ignore it (just because it exists, it doesn't mean that I need to claim it as me). But sometimes it opens up, breaks apart and leads to an insight about the thought/mood it is associated with -- one that I couldn't logically figure out myself. And sometimes it is like purification, everytime I put my mind on ill will it explodes in a release of energy and I keep doing this over and over, getting vibratory and concentrated, and that really feels like blasting bedrock. Except the bedrock is seen to be more like black powder - not hard at all and really unstable. Just one clear minded look at a grain of the bedrock and it sparks and releases energy, inspiring us to look again.

Ironically, at some point we realize we can't find it anymore and get frustrated. Then it's time to step back. How do we feel? Great!

So overall, I start with conceptual thought and resulting mood, then I use attention to objectify mood, mood tone, and experience of mood tone, which breaks up into pieces, which can be focused in on and broken into energy.

Obviously "I" can't decide or act to break anything-it's just the paradox of attention releasing contracted attention. The trick is to actively seek out "where is this ill will in experience?"

Well, blah, blah, blah... hope this helps someone.

Oh, one last thing. This practice might not be right for everyone. Sometimes, focusing on "ill will" can just turn into a "pity party" or a "poor me" party. If that's happening, we're dwelling in the emotions as "me" or "mine" and we'll just feel more awful (and then maybe try to convince ourself that feeling awful is good practice -- which it isn't!).

It takes a certain amount of ability to objectify mind states as "just existing in the mind" to do this kind of thing. It's more for dealing with subtle background sense of sufferning/constriction that is hard to get to otherwise. Remember: just because there is the event called "suffering/constriction" appearing in the mind, it doesn't me that we have to be in a state of suffering or constriction, but that requires us being able to disembed and see it. If we can't do that, we shouldn't pretend we can. It might not be possible with our "big issues/problems, that's fine. That's where we are at and so we need to honor that. That's where noting practice is more applicable. Keep noting it just as it is, just as it appears.

edit: this later point isn't for Jim, it's for anyone else that might be considering doing this. Pity parties of "big problems" tend to be associated with the dark night of the first path, and seem to become subtler as things go (although seeming just as "big/significant", at least to me).

Thank you for your generous and thoughtful words, betawave.

The experience I called "bedrock" is a state where there's not a lot of selfing, but there is present-centered awareness. It's more-or-less like the 11th ñana, but this experience I'm having is not the end-result of a climb through the strata. It just happens in informal settings. Perhaps I exaggerated a little when I said "as enlightened as a person could be". All I meant was, "Oh yeah, of course this is the goal of all this. To be really, truly here without having to manipulate every damn thing or have everything go my way."

It's a "goal". It's also just the true nature of consciousness itself. It's tempting to say such a true nature must be progressively clarified, but there's really nothing there to get dirty or in need of clarification. Awareness is not an entity, and so there's no way in which it can get dirty or clarified. Nonetheless, these are moments that happen in time.

When they happen, my goal-driven self gets excited. "Maybe we're getting near anagami!! "

If you don't mind me asking: where are you on the path?

Dang -- I >totally< misunderstood. Sorry. Now I understand: open presence is the bedrock and the aversion-ish/contracted stuff is arising in it, not the reverse. Totally my fault, I see how I was misreading it by blurring that psot and the Aug 17th post. Again sorry.

I'm probably somewhere between 2 and 3rd - Beth said probably. No NS event horizon yet. Hope that helps!

No worries! I'm happy you felt inspired to write something. It probably helped you organize your own thoughts.

Entered a state this morning that reminded me of mid-Equanimity. I felt disembedded from physical sensations and from thoughts. There was a bit of confusion as to who or what was on the side of watcher vs. watched. I got here after sitting about 35 mins, at which point I began to note in the following way: "Seeing is not me ... pressure is not me ... hearing is not me ... thinking is not me ... noting is not me ... noting is not me ..."

Tried to work on jhana this morning. Got really cranky about my inability to do it. Really felt like I wasted time I could have used noting and getting enlightened.

Stop trying so hard. Just try resolving to ride up the jhanic arc before your sit and then see if you can just let go of the trying. Find a spot that really grabs your attention and interests you. For me, it is the 3rd eye area. Some use the breath.

BTW. In my experience with jhana practice, they come easier and harder when in Review. You are 2nd path right? You aren't wasting time practicing jhana as it seems almost impossible for me at that point to not be watching other sensations while in jhana's up until maybe 8th where things get really freaky and hard to describe. I think once you have a couple paths under your belt, its hard to become a full on jhana junkie. I wouldn't worry about wasting time.

This sounds like good advice. Most of it occurred to me, but it's good hearing it from someone else. Thank you.

Sat for 45 mins. After settling in, began noting in triplets. Felt I reached the A&P and a period of bliss and happiness in about 10 or 15 mins. After that, had to contend with drowsiness for the duration of the sit. Kept noting. Experience became more spacious. Felt I was near equanimity, so I started noting single sensations more aggressively. When it felt like things were very spacious, I pushed the awareness out even further, and I began noting in quintuplets. Felt very light, like I was floating.

Somewhere in here I had a spontaneous memory of childhood. I allowed this mental image to unfold in the context of the spacious feeling. I was in the memory, but I wasn't lost in it.

I went back to the spacious feelings and the feeling of well-being, just enjoying this state and noting within it. There was some agitation toward the end. Restlessness. I allowed this restlessness to be contained in knowing, and there was very little problem enduring the sit. I wanted to get up, but I contained that feeling within the space of knowing as well. There was a sense that very little could disturb or move me.

I felt mildly drowsy throughout all this, so that the sensations became chaotic and dream-like a few times. As soon as the session was up, I felt more alert.

""I contained that feeling within the space of knowing""

Nice! What a great pointer, I can see myself using that a lot. Thank you!

I think what makes this practice psychologically healthy is that it helps build up the observing self, and it helps create an identification with that observing self. In that sense it's similar to good psychotherapy. Of course the paradox is that, when pursued to its end, this observing self has few or none of the characteristics of a self as we normally understand the word. It's the mere process of manifestation in awareness. In its essence, "I" is beyond all things.

"I think what makes this practice psychologically healthy is that it helps build up the observing self, and it helps create an identification with that observing self. "

You might like this... Wes Niskin talked about how he was in therapy when he started Goenka meditation. He quickly realized that meditation was a cheaper way of having a therapist say "hmm, I see, what else?"

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Sat 45 mins. Began by noting in triplets. There was a lot of physical discomfort and tiredness throughout. The tiredness was a surprise, since I just drank a large cup of coffee, and my attention is normally sharp in the morning. Sometimes just noted single sensations. Mostly noted in triplets. After about half an hour of this, I felt very, very pleasant. There was mild brightness behind the eyes. The body felt great. It was like I was floating, and the surface of the body had subtle vibrations all over it. It was hard to maintain this. I felt like I sunk down into a depressive state after this. Can't tell if it was an A&P or a taste of Equanimity. There were thoughts about a past relationship along with feelings of sorrow and regret. I noted in triplets again. The mind became lighter, more expansive. In the last 5 mins, I zoomed out in my mind until I was outside the universe. Mind was gloriously open, subtle, and light at that point.

I did a one-day retreat this weekend. With the exception of a brief tour of Equanimity in the late-morning, it was pretty much non-stop dukkha. Every time I sat, there was heat, pain, and sleepiness. I noted through it.

I had a feeling something like this would happen. Sits lately are a crap shoot. They're either really equanimity-bathed, or they're dukkha-bathed. I pulled a dukkha sit, and it went on about 8 hrs. At least the sitting sessions were broken up with walking meditation, which is the much easier option during dukkha ñanas.

I've grown in my ability to deal with all this. If I had had this experience six months ago, I probably would have flipped out and thought of nothing but leaving all day. I'm not going to lie and say I was completely impartial toward eight hours of unpleasant sensations, but there's a layer of stability under all this. I can easily remind myself, "Yes, and this too shall pass."

I also don't feel an overwhelming pressure to endure the sit no matter what. One sit got really rough, and so I just coasted through the last 15 mins of it. When it was over, I went to the bathroom and just laughed at the absurdity of it. "I got my ass kicked on that one!" It's okay to get your ass kicked. It's okay to come out of the water for a bit when the waves are too rough. It's okay to have a sense of humor about it. Those aren't mere reactions. Those are thoughtful ways of dealing with experience, too.

"I also don't feel an overwhelming pressure to endure the sit no matter what. One sit got really rough, and so I just coasted through the last 15 mins of it. When it was over, I went to the bathroom and just laughed at the absurdity of it. "I got my ass kicked on that one!" It's okay to get your ass kicked. It's okay to come out of the water for a bit when the waves are too rough. It's okay to have a sense of humor about it. Those aren't mere reactions. Those are thoughtful ways of dealing with experience, too. "

Nice.

Practiced 45 mins. Walked the first 30 mins, noting single sensations for awhile, then in triplets, then in quadruplets. I started out with a lot of energy and concentration. It was easy to follow the sensations. About 15 or so minutes in, concentration started to flag. Aversion was increasing. I think this is when I started noting in triplets, so as to include the mind-state I was in. Physical sensations like itches appeared to fall away as quickly as they arose. Just turning my attention toward something seemed to cause it to disappear. The aversion seemed to reach a crescendo - lots of frustration, anger, uncertainty - and then suddenly fell off. I felt dis-identified with most things, including my body. I continued to note sensations in the body, but I no longer felt like I was my body. The mind-state appeared to widen, become more spacious, and I felt myself more identified with the spaciousness than anything else.

After walking half an hour, I sat down. There were fine vibrations all over my body. I quickly started to doze off, and after 10 minutes I got up and walked again for another 5 mins. Felt much more tied to my body, there was more aversion, a lot less spaciousness, more sluggishness, difficulty focusing.

More about the frustration I experienced:

I'd get pulled away from sensations in the body and become caught up in stories about things. Aversion piled upon aversion. The way out of this - and this is so ******* obvious - was to just watch what was happening without judgment. "Yes, there's aversion ... yes, there's the desire to quit ... yes, there's disliking all this ... yes, yes, yes ..." Whatever the sensation was - no matter what the feeling tone - just notice it, just drop it, just ... give it up. Give up. And as soon as that weight is off the mind - once that primal grasping releases - the mind does what the mind does, which is to get wide and deep and brilliantly clear.

Took a different tack this morning: no noting, no manipulating, no doing, no expecting. Just wide, open, direct, inclusive attention, trying to see everything all at once, in real-time.

Even before I sat, as I was going about my morning routine, I was just trying to get this non-verbal, immediate presence down. Not noting, just noticing, but doing so as widely and comprehensively as I could, not directing the attention, and watching what a feeling of directing the attention looked like (for example, quick mental image of myself).

The theme seemed to be "attention". Where does the attention go? Who or what or anything is behind/controlling the attention? How does attention manifest itself? How do I know I'm being attentive to one thing and not another? What does it feel like when attention shifts?

Sensations around the eyes, in the head, plus mental images of myself, giving the impression that there is a "me" controlling all this, that the attention is being directed from a spot in my head. Followed this play of sensations. Followed this following of the sensations. Saw the ridiculousness of the assumptions in it. Gently shifted attention to the body as a whole, recognizing in real-time that the movement of the attention has nothing to do with the sensations in the head but instead is its own thing which is very definitely Not Me.

Wrenching discontinuity of experience, eyes shot wide open, experience very, very strange for about half a second as things quickly snapped back to normal. Whole body buzzing, but not in a pleasant way. Feel like I almost just got hit by a car, but someone pulled me out of the way at the last second.

Excited after this, mind wandering, wondering, "What was that?" Settled back in, got back to wide, open, inclusive awareness, directly seeing the complex interplay of sensations. This went on another few minutes before I had to get ready for work.

It was possibly a fruition? It actually had more of a dark night feel to it, like the center was ripped away from me, or it was being ripped away, but I grasped after it rather than allowing the whole thing to tip over. Or maybe it did tip over, and the background got shattered in a new, interesting way.

I'll have to see what subsequent sits are like and if it comes up again.

Interesting things about this sit:
(1) No noting, no manipulating, no trying - just paying attention to things as they are, when they are, where they are.

(2) No regard at all for jhanas/nanas. Didn't care. Worked the whole thing in the most wide-open, non-preferential way possible, figuring it doesn't make any difference where I am, the name of the game is the same.

Looking forward to experimenting more with this.