AnthonyYeshe's Practice Notes 3

It's time for me to start up my practice notes again. Not just for the great input I get from everyone but it really helps for me to be able to go back and read what has been going on in my previous practice.

I have gone through a lot of transformation the past few months. I strongly felt that I needed to take a break from my main teachers/teachings so I could explore this on my own for a while. It seems like every week I discover a new understanding, then get confused again, hit some sort of low, and then discover a new understanding again. I can certainly understand why so many people here have been changing their view points and uncovering new understandings of awakening.

As of last Christmas at the Cooper retreat I had a major seeing-through of self. Some part of my practice completed itself, and while I still experience the nanas, there is no longer any obsession with figuring them out, or getting to a next 'path'. It seems that the ride is over in that respect but a whole new adventure is taking place and it feels like I am way out in the deep-end now where there are not as many maps and well-worn paths to follow.

cont...

There is, however, still a significant level of suffering in my life right now. It has lost its ability to overwhelm me to the extent that it did before, but I would still like to reach a place where I am completely free of suffering. That is the whole reason I got into this biz.

I have figured out that freedom from suffering is a completely different game than I first thought it would be. I can see how aversion and craving will probably still always arise. What is different is 'my' relationship to it. I can still get stuck and believe that all of this is happening to me. Then, from whatever cause that arises, I see through it again and lose the sense of self for a while. Aversion, craving and all of my life's problems are still there in this mode. The difference is that it all seems ok and manageable.

My goal is to continue to practice and find a more 'permanent' connection to the no-self that I find occasionally while staying open to other perspectives of awakening that I have not found or understand yet.

cont...

My practice lately:
During the past few months I have spent less and less time on the cushion. I have almost completely abandoned trying to master concentration Jhanas (which still arise sometimes without my trying), and instead have been very interested in investigating my moment to moment waking experience. For some reason, I have been gravitating very heavily towards no-self teachings and practices like: Adyashanti, Ramana Maharshi, Gary Weber, Metzinger, et al. This has led to some pretty intense fighting back from my ego. I have also had several very distinct moments of no-self that were wonderful. There is a lot of unpleasant tension that is bubbling up most of the time and much fear of letting go of control of my life (as if I ever had any control). Very recently, I have been re-discovering the usefulness of letting go and surrendering; it seems almost inevitable at this point-nothing else that I can do but completely surrender.

cont...

Also, I have been reading this forum for the past few weeks and there is one question that I must ask everyone. I am just burning with curiosity and in need for some contemplation material:

Despite our transient definition of what awakening/enlightenment is and the possible different flavors/modes thereof'¦. Is there anyone here that is at a level of awakening that, even without being fully finalized, they can truly say that they no longer experience suffering at all? Or can you say that no matter what new definitions of awakening arise, new discoveries, new levels of attainment, new practices to try come out'¦ you are completely satisfied with the level of awakening that you have now?

I am not satisfied with the level of awakening that I have. What does that mean? Are higher levels of awakening just a pipe dream and will I ever really be satisfied? Maybe wanting to be satisfied guarantees that I never will be. I wish I could accurately describe everything that I think/feel right now. I am not a gifted writer in this regard and to compound it all, everything that I believe, know, think, feel might be different tomorrow or certainly a month from now.

I think it would help my practice to have some comments on this. Thanks!
.

I am not very accomplished, but the vast majority of the time there is no problem.

I have had recent moments where the circuit breakers weren't working, but that is just a memory and isn't affecting anything right now.

I refuse the insanity of waiting to get enlightened, I'll take the fruit right now thanksverymuch.

Hey there, Anthony, I'm a bit curious... Why is it so important to you to eliminate all suffering in your life? Maybe what I'm asking is more along the lines of what orasis is getting at. Is it possible that things could be "good enough" for you?

Rereading what I posted above, I fear that it smacks of the same false humility that angers me when I see in dharma teachers. I will try to be accurate instead with the possible negative side effect of sounding boastful.

My default mode is recognition of awareness in this moment. There may be subtle tensions, tweaks, and pulls in this "state", but as soon as I notice it, its gone and everything is as it is.

I do spend a LOT of time in thought, but it is usually highly abstract and work related. When I am done with my work of thinking, its back to peace.

What self-reinforcing thoughts I do have feel better integrated with my moment-by-moment experience - they aren't fighting with each other. There is still room for improvement here as sometimes the thoughts do get trapped in weird spots, and when they get painful, I just let them go.

If I had the thought that I wasn't yet awake, this would be painful, because it fundamentally disagrees with my moment-by-moment experience.

I really wish I could explain how these thought structures happened, because I think it has given me a much easier path than many others here.

"Is it possible that things could be "good enough" for you?" -andymr

That is my contemplation right now.

"I am not very accomplished, but the vast majority of the time there is no problem." -orasis

If there is no problem most of the time, why continue to practice? Is there a point in which we can hang up our cushion and say, "This is it, I am fine for the rest of my life."

I was fine most of the time, but then something changed. I think it may be my investigation of how we do not actually have any control. Of anything, not even ourselves. Everything is an effect and nothing is truly random or free will. I have been investigating this as close to moment to moment as possible. There arose great resistance to not being in control of my life, my career, my family, and especially some health issues that have surfaced.

I think the wise thing to tell myself would be to accept it all. Realize that everything is impermanent anyways, and live in the awakeness that you have right now, in this moment; do not worry about the problems of the future.

But ego gets back in the way and causes suffering. Why do I want to eliminate this suffering so badly? Why not just surrender to it and be fine with it?

When I surrender to suffering, I am always secretly wanting it to go away. Is this really surrender then?

Let me say this all another way. When I have connected to modes of no-self, everything was fine. Life, the universe, everything. Pain, fear, annoyance, aversion, and craving still arose. But there was just not the solid ego connection there that made it personal. It was fine.

Currently, when I am very focused and well practiced, I can access this to a slight degree. Most of the time, I do not. This is painful, especially since I know what reality could be. Therefore, in my mind, I want a permanent connection with no-self. Awareness wants to be awakened.

Sure, I should let this process unfold and have faith that it will all work out eventually. I can't ignore, though, this strong urge to power level straight through it all and be done with practicing, contemplating, investigating, ect... ha! Maybe I have been pushing myself too hard. But why not try to work the metal while the fire is white hot?

Just to be clear, I am trying to admit how silly I am being right now. Its good, I think, to get it out in the open and have others comment/critique.

I think my recent encounter with impatience to the levels of my suffering has passed. How many times will I have to fail in order to fully surrender? It would be nice to just surrender without having to fully exhaust myself first. ha!

Last night I was doing the practice of observing all phenomena and saying, "not me". Time seemed to stand still and the ownership of my experience became very thin. Also, when pain arose (physical, emotion, mental) I opened up to it and let down my resistance barriers. Just surrender, just willingness to experience anything that arises.

I continued by asking myself how I felt about letting go of my identity, my success in my career, the success of my family life, ect... I was really searching for the spots within my ego that have the most resistance. When I found those spots I said, "not me" and continued to work with it and explore the causes for that pain, staying open and accepting of what arose.

Why do I identify with this pain, why do I see it as a problem? Why do I desire any particular outcome in life at all? I didn't really come to any great answers but these were interesting questions to ponder. I feel more relaxed today, less concerned about outcomes. There is this analytical, problem solving mind though. Always watching, always wondering. It is always trying to figure out enlightenment as if it was a puzzle box to solve and then open up, never to be locked again.

I might recommend Nirmala's book, Nothing Personal. When I was going through a phase similar to what you are describing, his techniques were helpful.

I appreciate the recommendation Orasis, I will certainly check it out.

In my experience, when one continues to refine the sense of being along the axis of developmental enlightenment, at some point the idea of suffering becomes just an academic question. This process eventually leads to recognizing the emptiness in all phenomenas in real time so efficiently that what is left is so subtle that it could not be called suffering anymore.

At least for me, going past that point called for something else: unfabrication and letting go of the practice, which led to a realization that this complete non-manipulation of the experience is something that would have been available for me all the time. The answer had been sitting under my nose the whole time, it just took a lot of manipulation to find it out

Thanks Antero, I get what you mean. I think I need to cook for a little while longer before I get to that point though. I think some daily cushion time will help me explore my consciousness a bit more. I spend much of my daily life inquiring into my experience moment to moment, but setting aside some time to get deep into the mind should be helpful. That's a lot of manipulation but maybe through it I will arrive to the same point where I can let go of manipulation.

30min 3-gears
Started with noting untill the mind became more panoramic in awareness. Then I started to objectify the subject of self by asking "Where am I in this picture" or one of several similar questions. At this point I experienced bumps and shifts and changes in my locus of awareness. I also started to open to complete surrender to anything that arises. Bit by bit I noticed the slipping away of self. I had a few slight knee-jerk reactions when I noticed my consciousness changed from embedded within my mind/thoughts to just consciousness without agency. Other times thoughts about the stressful conditions of my life would arise and this would lead to full force self-contraction. I was particularly waiting for these moments to happen and would immediately inquire into why these thoughts lead to self-contraction and then suffering.

Afterwards I felt like there is so much development yet to go but at the same time (based on previous experience) I know it could only take the most random little realization of an aspect of the selfing process to induce a no-self shift in consciousness: which is good, peaceful, with nothing further to do...well, while it lasts anyways. I wonder when it will stick? lol

Last night as I lay in bed practicing objectifying sensations, thoughts, and the self, I relaxed into a non dual perspective that was more clear than I have known before. It first happened as I was objectifying the body and the sense of "I" at the same time. I usually don't do it this way but then a profound real-time realization hit me, "I am experiencing separateness right now".

Now, intellectually I understand what separateness means, but I guess I never fully investigated the feel of the illusion itself, I have always just focused on investigating the cure for the illusion. The problem of separateness was seen. I was very aware of the situation now and moments of non-duality started to arise. I just continued to watch with a willingness to surrender. There was a bit of lightness in my mind at this point and also a bit of excited energy.

My usual thought patterns arose and this caused me to remember various stressful situations in my life right now. This is hard for me to recall/explain but instead of my usual attempts to let go of this type of stress I automatically stepped into it. I realized this stress as being absolutely logical based on all the causes and effects of my life and with separateness being subdued for the moment, everything seemed fine like it was, even with pain arising. Not only did it seem fine, it seemed inevitabbly just like it should be. Almost like a "duh!" moment: of course there is stress arising, the causes for stress are present! No big deal.

I think this is what Antero meant above by saying "suffering becomes just an academic question". Here I go becoming a complete beginner again. So funny and interesting!

After work today I laid down to rest for a bit, maybe take a nap. My intention was not to do any practice but out of habit I started to let my mind rest on awareness as I relaxed. Maybe it was because I had no intentions in mind other than laying back and relaxing but I entered 3rd gear in a strong way.

There was just being and no thoughts of whether there is a self, ego, or whatnot. Actually, as soon as the question arose about "where am I, ect." I came out of the 3rd gear. So I just let it go and there was just being. A few insights arose. They were wordless, thoughtless insights, just a knowing of some kind.

To be in this mode you have to let go of all the "ya buts" and "what ifs". There has to be a true letting go and also trust in "being" being itself on its own. Many of the teachings and pointers I have recieved started to come together in these very few moments of "just being". Awakness, enlightenment, and no-self were not concerns or interests at this point. There was just knowing and being, and thus a very confident flavor of peace.

It keeps amazing me how this whole process of enlightenment is all about building something up in order for it to fall apart- and the falling apart part is where the insights are.

But then how do you get back there when "trying" to get there keeps you from getting there. I am going to investigate a blend of practicing diligently but without trying to manipulate my experience or outcomes of practicing.

Currently, I am experiencing what I believe to be a baseline shift. I will appreciate anyone's diagnosis and/or advice.

My current hypothesis is that it started around my last post (#15)

It was only in retrospect, about a week later, that I noticed that anything had changed at all. I started to have a few good days where I felt energetic and in a good mood. But then I knew something was up on July 5th when, almost uncontrollably, I was acting very open, charismatic, friendly and attentive to people. My girlfriend probably thought I was on drugs.

You see, I am an introvert by nature, not un-friendly, but somewhat grumpy with people and mostly indifferent to strangers. After that day (which was a peak, I think), I have continuously been connected to a light and steady flow of this strange energy. (None of this is happening all the time, but it is happening enough for me to take notice and enjoy a nice level of well-being):

There's a spontaneous magical spark that keeps occurring. It feels like excitement and infinite possibility. It is somewhat similar to when I have practiced 3rd gear and I could 'see like an artist' except the mind itself is included somehow. My intellect seems sharper and more available. My actions/decisions seem to just flow without deliberating too much. But in counter to the last statement, time seems to slow down when I am in a habitual situation where I usually go with a negative action and the obvious positive action now occurs to me.
cont...

Paradoxically, I have been very productive in the mundane aspects in my life and have been envisioning all kinds of good life happening. At the same time, when something doesn't quite work out the way I had planned, I get this cosmic feeling that there is no reason to be upset about it, so I drop it and move on.

There are only really two practices that I have been doing in the past month. 1)3rd gear and 2)Saying "I don't know" when appropriate. The first has become a very automatic response throughout the day and the second has been a saving grace in moments where I am striving, manipulating experiences, or wanting the answers to life. By saying "I don't know" I am able to go back to number one. Kenneth told me about this one day and I forgot it for some time until it popped into my head again and became very useful (thanks Kenneth!).

I know this shift could all fall apart at any moment and I could dip down into a more negative baseline. This causes me to be cautious and not do any victory laps, but I am not really afraid of losing whatever this is. I have encountered it before (only for moments at a time previously) and it can appear again. I expect to find a day where life doesn't make sense again. Without those moments how can you build up the steam to unlock the next door?
.

Edited to added some things that occurred while in the bathtub:

1) What about nanas? My relationship to the nanas is about the same it has been for the past 7 months- I don't even notice them unless I sit to do a vipassana meditation, which is rare. During 3rd path I was so obsessed with them but right after 4th path I kinda forgot about them.

2) What about Self/Ego/Agency? About a two months ago I became a bit obsessed with the whole no-self and non-duality concepts. I started to read all I could about the subject and practiced several methods of self-inquiry. The interesting thing (now I think this may all be connected) is that around the same time as this latest shift, I almost completely lost my interest in the self. I just stopped seeing it as a problem. I don't know what I was looking for anyways. Was I hoping to destroy the self so completely that I would just exist as pure awareness and thus not be able to draw a line between Anthony and my dog? How would I put my pants on!?

So maybe that stick burned itself out, but not in the way I thought it would. How do I experience it right now? Something experiences, something knows about it, and that's about all I know for sure.

Much lols!

Hey Anthony, no real comments about your latest shift but it sounds nice Enjoyed catching up on this thread.

In the past three months since I have posted, I lost motivation to keep up a formal daily practice. My mental conditioning became week and old negative habits arose again. Suffering arose and dark night-ish stages began again. I was aware of this happening but there was also not much aspiration to apply wisdom and continue practice. What did happen, though, is that the mind eventually exhausted itself and became highly agitated/emotional with the un-fruitful negative thinking patterns.

This is when I began sitting again. I have read before that the natural state of the mind is to be clear and peaceful, not agitated and stuck in negative habitual cycles. Was this mind realizing this and begging me to correct the conditioning that results in suffering? Who am 'I' that this mind was pleading to? Mind talking to thoughts, body talking to mind, thoughts talking to body and mind. Tension arising, awareness with its hands full. Where am 'I' in all of this has been a mantra, of sort. Confusion arose a month ago as I investigated all this with renewed intensity.

Solid practice and attentive awareness set in sooner than I imagined it would with daily sits. It seems like one of those, 'Strike while the iron is hot' stages. I begin with 1st gear practices during sitting meditation to settle the mind. Then, during the rest of the day and at night I practiced letting awareness be aware of all the sensations arising in the body and mind at once with noticing of the interactions between the two. A thought would arise and there would almost always be a resultant eruption of body sensations. Surprisingly I discovered when my attention became subtle enough, that sometimes a body sensation or group of sensations would arise and cause a thought or memory in the mind.

As I continued to cultivate the awareness of this process I seemed to be going through fast nana cycling. At times I am very loose and equanimous with what ever arises, at other times I find myself in very intense waves of tension in the body/mind with high levels of negative thinking and strong urges to explode or break down.

In the past week, this cycling has lessened and I am more aware of a subtle field of vibration behind it all. It truly feels like the real source of all body/mind sensations. When I first investigate a thought it leads straight into a body sensation, but then this dissolves in just vibrations itself. At this level it becomes unclear if these vibrations are pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. This now occurs for pleasant thoughts/ body sensations as well. At first it 'seems' like unpleasant or pleasant is occurring, but if I follow it back to the vibration body arising, it dissolves and becomes less clear.

I can't always make it through the first layers of thought response to get to this vibrational layer. Sometimes old habits/conditioning win over and I can go right back to sleep for a period of time. The end result when I do realize the process and notice the vibrational source is a calmness or silence for a short time. I think these vibrations work themselves out and energy is able to flow freely for a time'¦until mind arises again in ignorance and causes more vibration and then resistance of energy.

I feel I may have some of this process confused or not quite correct in view. I am only now piecing it together bit by bit as my intelligence and experience allows'¦ which makes it a slow process. Lol.

I know I have read about this phenomenon before on this thread. Has anyone else had experience with this vibration or can point me in the right direction?

Much thanks!

I have become very interested in Tummo lately. Right now in my practice I have been more aware of the flow of vibration, and energy in my body and it seems like a fitting time to give the Inner Fire a chance to stir things up

This is my second week of simply trying to strengthen my pelvic muscles and hold my breath for longer periods of time. This morning I made it past 60 seconds comfortably for the first time. During my last attempt I made it to 75 seconds and almost had a feeling that I could keep it going for much longer. Certainly my energies were vitalized by this and, even though I haven't started Tummo formally yet, I have had experiences throughout the day that hint at the possibility of using desires and aversions as fuel for the fire.

Evening sit: 30min.
Spent the first 10min noting to get a full body awareness going. Then focused on putting awareness on any tension-> releasing/relaxing the tension->accepting anything left over and resting in awareness. With this practice I keep finding deep levels of resting. Vibration/tensions still arise with no end in sight, but there is this resting dis-embedded quality to awareness of it unfolding sometimes now.

Continuing to practice preliminary Tummo exercises. Started to learn some Tsa Lung stuff today.

Felt very sluggish throughout the day. I took a nap mid morning and had a very novel experience. I heard some noises in my house and I thought someone might be there. I was very half-awake, half-still dreaming and couldn't really tell what was going on. I was lying flat on my back and I was not able to move. It was very disorienting and a bit worrying. I tried to lift my head off my pillow but I could not move even an inch. For several minutes I cycled through the dream world and being awake, still trying to get my body to move. I was totally without physical control of my body! Very strange but interesting. Maybe this experience is connected to my practice, maybe not. I just wanted to write it down so I would remember later.

45 min evening sit. (feeling way more energized later in the day)
5min shamata then 15 min noting until I reached equanimity. Practiced third gear from then on. I let go of trying and surrendered to is. Went through a few cycles of trying hard to not do any trying. My mind finally relaxed and I was able to be aware of what is the case always anyways. I somehow floated right into 5th jhana, very spacious with little feel for my body. Just awareness and expansion.

It was my understanding that the stratum of mind do not change when in 3rd gear, so maybe I was not in the right mindset.

"It was my understanding that the stratum of mind do not change when in 3rd gear, so maybe I was not in the right mindset." -AnthonyYeshe

Hi Anthony,

I would say it differently than that. First, keep in mind that there isn't any one state that is referred to by 3rd Gear. Instead, think of 3rd Gear (and all the Gears) as a way to categorize practices. 1st Gear practices objectify, 2nd Gear practices inquire, and 3rd Gear practices surrender. With that in mind, it does often happen that while doing a 3rd Gear practice the attention is on something other than strata of mind, so people tend not to notice which stratum of mind they are in (if indeed the concept of strata of mind even applies when the mind is very diffuse).

Since the three gears are intended as a loose conceptual framework to help us understand how seemingly contradictory practices can all contribute to the mental development we often call awakening, it's possible to mix and match gears. For example, it's possible to do noting practice, which is primarily aimed at (1st Gear) objectification, from a 3rd Gear (surrender) point of view. In that case, you note while being as non-manipulative as possible. This, by the way, is a really beautiful way of noting, and probably where all noting must eventually end up, even though at at various places along the way it's tempting to use noting as a way of changing or improving our experience.