Dispatches From The Path

Hi Everybody!

This is it - my online practice journal. I've been putting this off for sometime, but then the reasons for starting a log began outnumbering the reasons for not starting one, so here it is.

Quick notes about me. I'm a pre-path yogi who tripped the A&P about 11 years ago. I trained in zen for about 4 years. Now my practice is vipassana in the First Gear and the 5 Ways as developed by Shinzen Young. My teachers are Beth Resnick-Folk and, the aforementioned, Shinzen Young.

All the best,
Alvaro

July 9, 2012 @ 2:30pm: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana

Attitude before hitting the zafu was one of impatience and determination. Resolved to apply enthusiasm, vigilance, diligence and ease.

Counted the breath at the anapana for 10 cycles of 10. Did not lose the count, but nor were the sensations of the breath clearly perceived.

Practiced noting with spoken notes and switched to mental notes once concentration was firm. Returned to spoken noting when attention waned. Noted continuously for the entire session, but for one brief moment of distraction. Observed tension in the legs and lower back which turned into tingling and numbness and then returned to tension and tightness. Observed itchiness in the face (especially nose and cheeks) and in the upper arms and at the top of the head. With eyes closed observed many bright lights that pulsed and swam through the visual field. During the only moment where the noting was lost saw a flash of neon, green light that made me feel nauseous and noted it as revulsion. Noted many thoughts and sounds which had an aversive tone to them. Observed many short thoughts and feelings related to doubt and desire for progress.

Surprised and relieved by the timer going off after 61 minutes.

July 9, 2012 @ 6:30pm: 30' 10' samatha, 20' vipassana

Before hitting the zafu felt hurried and lethargic. Set resolution for this session in a very half-hearted and absent minded manner.

Counted the breath for 10 cycles of 10, but was unable to follow it beyond a few cycles. Also detected a slight head ache while counting.

1st Gear using spoken and mental noting. Was lethargic before session began. This feeling intensified right to the end of the round and almost fell asleep twice. Noted tired and spacey. Was able to stay with the noting throughout the sit, but required subtle nudging to establish clarity. Observed tension in the lower back, a muscle spasm in the right triceps area and a slight pulsing sensation between the eyes slightly above the brow. Also observed the feeling of being very heavy as if made out of lead.

Welcome to the practice threads! Love your avatar!
Mike

Thanks Mike. Bugs was one of my childhood heroes. In some ways he still is.

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July 9, 2012 @ 11:45pm: 60' 10' samatha, 50 vipassana

Mood before round was calm yet slightly distracted.

When counting the breath the attention was hazy and unstable. Failed to count one cycle to 10.

First Gear. Noted many unpleasant body sensations such as tension, pressure, tightness, bloating, itchy and twinges all over. Became aware of a tingling sensation that started on the right side of the head above the ear that began pulsing. Later this pulsing sensation spread to the back of the head, down the neck and into the shoulders. Seemed to subside after 3 or 4 minutes. Observed that noting out loud would at times interfere with breathing. Eased off on the noting twice in order to catch and bring mindfulness to the breath. Towards the end of the sit the unpleasant sensations caused much distraction. Became fixated on whether the timer was still working. While locked on this thought the timer went off.

July 10, 2012 @ 12:30p: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana

Felt compelled to sit early in the afternoon due to having some free time. Set resolution in a distracted and hurried manner.

Counting the breath. Noticed impatience to finish and start noting practice. As a result wasn't able to stabilize on the sensations of breathing or the count.

First Gear. Unpleasant body sensations and difficulty maintaining focus were the theme for this round. Noted tension, tightness and pressure in the legs and lower back. Noted many images of people and planning thoughts. When noting and concentration flagged restated resolution in order to stay on track. Observed an itch on the lower, left side of face dissolve into pleasant pin pricks which cascaded across the face and left shoulder. Near the end of the round felt as if the upper body and head were being pulled up, straightened out and made lean.

July 10, 2012 @ 5:20pm: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana

Mood before breakin' it down was calm and confident. Set resolution with clarity and mindfulness.

Counted the breath continuously for 10 cycles of 10. Became intimate with the sensations at the nostrils twice.

First Gear. Observed many thoughts and visual images. Most were neutral, except for one. It was the image of the face of an acquaintance who is perfectly healthy, and yet in this image he had large tumors on his face. Noted this as 'image', 'aversion.' Noted many bulky physical sensations that arose throughout the body. Noted them as 'heavy,' 'pressure,' 'warm,' 'tired' and 'tension'. Observed craving in the form of desire for progress, physical stimulation and/or relief from discomfort. Over half way through the sit noticed as the tension and pressure in the back dissolved into fine, high-frequency tingles.

July 11 2012 @ 12:00am: 60' the Five Ways

Calm and confident before hitting the zafu. Forewent the counting and resolution in order to dive right in to the Five Ways.

To be exact my training in the Five Ways is limited to Ways One and Two; the Way of Thoughts and Emotions and the Way of the Physical Senses. These are vipassana techniques that, unlike the First Gear, utilize a closed vocabulary for noting sense objects and mental states.

Was able to remain focused on the noting throughout the sit with the exception of a few brief moments of distraction. Set a goal of labeling sensory events at the moment they arose. Achieved some success with this towards the end of the round by inclining the mind with an open and ready attitude. It being the third of three, hour-long sits of the day noted stiffness and tension in the back and legs. Also observed doubt and worry about mixing two similar yet distinct practice techniques.

When the hour ended felt stiff, but energized.

July 11, 2012 ~ 1:00pm: 60, 10 samatha, 50' vipassana.

Hit the zafu eager to get started. Set resolution with confidence and clarity. Counted the breath 10x10 getting lost thrice.

Noted continuously during the whole sit, but for one exception (see below). Observed a slower build up than usual of tension in the back and legs. Also noticed less physical discomfort during this hour. Noted many thoughts of doubt, impatience, confusion, expectations/desire for progress and images. Toward the middle of the round observed phenomenon arise with increasing frequency that were difficult to discern. Started to note this as 'confusion,' but then dropped the noting to just observe the sensations and thoughts as they arose. After this felt the whole body become light and spacious, yet solid and firm. Noted this state as pleasant. Had an idea about how to refine my training. Resolved to remember it, talk it over with Beth and noted it as 'thinking/planning.' Was surprised by timer going off. Thought I had 5 or 10 minutes left.

nice clear reports and i like the title of your thread. congrats on starting your thread. i'm sure you'll get a lot of out of it.

Thanks Jacki. Your kind words and encouragement are appreciated. I'm glad you like the title. I worried that it sounded pompous.

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July 11, 2012 ~ 11:30pm: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana

Before sitting felt fine. Closed window to reduce the noise from outside - big mistake! (see below). Set resolution with gladness. Lost in thoughts in the beginning and needed several minutes to settle in. Counted the breath 10x7. Did not perceive sensations clearly.

First Gear. Noted out loud and internally. During first half observed many thoughts - typical monkey mind stuff. Had to swallow more than usual and found it distracting and irritating, but tried to swallow mindfully. During the second half the room became stuffy and hot due to closing the window. Started to sweat and observed many aversive mind/physical states. Noted them as 'impatience,' 'annoyance,' 'hot,' 'cranky' and 'má.' Was relieved when the timer went off.

July 12, 2012 ~ 2:15am: 60' the Five Ways.

Mood - tired. No resolution. After settling in went straight to noting in Ways 1 and 2.

At two moments during the hour observed electricity-like sensations. The first was very fine and passed through the whole body. The second was sharp and distinct. It started in the left shoulder then cascaded over the back. Due to a build up of unpleasant tension in the upper back tried to penetrate the sensations by focusing on the area and noting 'feel out' and 'feel flow,' however, failed in this attempt. After recalling something Leigh Brasington had said put a fake little smile on my face to see if that helped with the discomfort. Observed that smiling lessened the pain somewhat and may have enhanced concentration. Thoroughly tired when timer went off.

July 12, 2012 ~ 11:45am: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana

Mood before breakin' it down was distracted and hurried due to needing to leave on a business trip right after sit. Counted the breath without losing the count, but didn't discern the sensations clearly.

First Gear: Noting out loud and internally. Noted a gentle, throbbing in the back of the head just below the crown (felt like a very soft massage) which lasted 5 to 10 minutes. Two times observed pulsing sensations in the left ear. Felt like the moment, after a swim, when a water bubble breaks in the ear canal, except without the warm, melting effect. Through the whole sit noted many scattered and impatient thoughts/feelings related to the trip. At the very end of the hour, with impatience building, became convinced that the timer wasn't working. Picked it up, looked at it. Rats! 53 seconds to go!

Off the zafu: 5 hours later, on a train, observed the sensation of the gentle, head massage return. The feeling lasted about an hour.

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July 13, 2012 ~ 12:30am 60' vipassana in the 5 Ways.

Really tired tonight. When practicing in Ways 1 and 2 can usually get into the noting and stay there - not tonight. Unable to focus and minor physical sensations, such as itches and random noise, are highly distracting. Gave in to frustration; stopped timer after 45 minutes and went to bed.

July 16, 2012 ~ 2:20pm: 30' 5' samatha, 25' vipassana

Counted the breath 5x10. Clearly perceived only one in and out breath, but did not lose the count.

1st Gear: The 30 minutes blew past it what felt like no time. Noted continuously, but for a few moments of fixation. Noticed many minor physical sensations, such as twinges and itches. Also noticed two instances of involuntary movement from the hip and thigh area that caused me to sway slightly on the zafu. Observed soft tingling that started in the head dissolve into the shoulders and back. Enjoyed a light show. With eyes closed observed a glowing orb pulsing low against the visual field of blackness as if at the edge of the horizon. Noted many thoughts related to progress and stage referencing expressed in questions like 'Is this Misery?' 'Was that Fear?' Very surprised by timer going off. Felt as is if only 15 or 20 minutes had passed.

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July 16, 2012 ~ 11:00pm: 60' vipassana in the 5 Ways.

Noticed resistance before beginning the session. Set resolution and started to laugh for some reason. Perhaps a foreshadowing of what was to come.

The 5 Ways: Noted out loud and internally in Ways 1 and 2. This was the toughest hour since starting this log. Noted haphazardly. Couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus and barely managed to perceive any sensations clearly. By the end felt like a pathetic caricature of a yogi. After getting off the zafu vowed to get 'em next time.

July 17, 2012 ~ 12:30pm: 60' vipassana in the 5 Ways

Attitude before beginning - calm yet eager to get started. Set no resolution, but had a plan; would note everything out loud for as long as it took to get in the groove. The moment concentration waned would return to noting verbally.

Ways 1 & 2: Noted everything in objective and subjective experience. Lost focus half a dozen times, but found the way back by sticking to the plan. Observed many images and thoughts. Also noted many shifting sensations throughout the body. The hour had two tones: the attention was either smooth and clear or had a 'grit your teeth and bear it' quality. Struggled with the desire to be with things as they arose rather than noticing things only remembering them after they passed. It felt like my experience was leaving me behind. When the hour was over felt relieved that this round wasn't as harsh as the last.

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July 17, 2012 ~ 8:05pm: 60' vipassana in the First Gear

Attitude before the hour was cranky - it's too damn hot! Plan for this round was to do 10 minutes of anapana followed by noting in the First Gear, but after settling in and setting resolution started noting right away and forgot all about the breath for some unknown reason.

First Gear: Another 'grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it-and-just-sit-there-and-try-to-be-mindful-of-how-much-you-wanna-just-get-up-and-leave' kinda sit. Observed many unpleasant sensations and thoughts. Oh yeah, and something new: fear, lots and lots of fear. Who ordered that? Noted it as... can you guess? That's right 'fear.' When the hour was up I was very grateful.

July 18, 2012 ~ 12:05am: 30' 5' samatha, 25' vipassana in the 1st Gear.

Wanted to break it down one last time before calling it a day. Counted the breath 5x10 without losing the count and was almost able to maintain constant attention on the sensations at the nostrils.

1st Gear. Noted silently about once per second. Noting was solid except at the very end of the sit when concentration started to wane. Observed many unpleasant sensations such as noise, itches and twinges, but did not resist them much. Tried to maintain attention on the sensations with equanimity. Was startled by a sudden and brief but powerful vibration which flashed through the left arm and torso that seemed to come from nowhere. After timer went off felt as if some good work had been done.

"Another 'grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it-and-just-sit-there-and-try-to-be-mindful-of-how-much-you-wanna-just-get-up-and-leave' kinda sit"

Oh I recognise those ones! Glad to see you've started a thread - I've added it to my watch list

Thanks Andy. I appreciate that. As for the watch list Wetpaint hasn't sent me a watch list update in months. You're still getting them?

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July 18, 2012 ~ 2:25pm: 30' 5' samatha, 25' vipassana in the First Gear

Was distracted and restless before starting the session. Stated resolution with clarity and purpose. After taking some moments to settle in counted the breath 5x10.

1st Gear: The session was marked by a noticeable decrease of subjective experience. Relatively little in the way of thoughts or emotions were observed. Most notes were in the body in the form of touching, twinges, tensions, pressure, tingling, numbness, swallowing, etc. On 4 occasions observed a pleasant pulsing sensation which started above the right ear and quickly flowed down the nape and across the shoulders. Felt energized as the hour ended.

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July 20, 2012 ~ 12:30am: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana in the 1st Gear

Excited that the heat wave finally broke. Set resolution with sincerity and confidence, but it was all down hill thereafter. Tried to count the breath 10x10. Completed two cycles by rote and spaced out the rest of the time.

1st Gear: Noted out loud and internally. Was able to remain concentrated when focused on physical sensations, but became distracted and embedded when emotions or thoughts were predominant. Observed many pleasant tingles and waves move through the legs, arms, face and the back of the head. Also noted many more itches and twinges than usual. With about 10 minutes to go became very tired and started to daydream.

July 20, 2012 ~ 11:45pm: 60' vipassana in the 5 Ways

Attention scattered before the session. No counting, just Ways 1 & 2. Experienced difficulty establishing mindfulness and concentration. Wasn't able to maintain a rhythm during the noting. Would note 10 or 20 sense objects and then get lost or embedded. This pattern repeated itself throughout the hour. Observed cool, fine, tingling flow over the skin several times during the sessions especially at the start - kinda nice. Also observed that innocuous stimuli, like the sound of the fan or traffic noise was rather irritating. In the end felt like I wasted an hour.

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July 21, 2012 ~ 1:15pm: 30' 5' samatha, 25' First Gear

Counted the breath 5x10 without losing the count, but again sensations were not clearly perceived.

1st Gear: !!!Relative Insight Alert!!! Saw in real-time how thought is representational and how the thinking process keeps reality at a distance which can sap the vitality out of the present moment. Wanted to speculate about this intellectually, but noted it as thinking instead then carried on. Observed more tension than usual in the back. Heard a motorcycle drive by. Experienced the sound as tingles flowing over the arms and chest. The half hour ended and feeling fine.

July 21, 2012 ~ 11:35pm: 60' 10' samatha, 50' First Gear

Mood before starting - eager. Tried to count the breath 10x10 but failed to count even one cycle all the way to ten.

1st Gear: Noted aloud and silently. Became lost in thought many times but returned to noting quickly. Observed many thoughts arise but as they were noted saw them dissolve. Observed an image of my teachers which caused a smile and feelings of metta and mudita to arise. Enjoyed these sensations for several minutes before they passed. Observed many unpleasant physical sensations yet was able to remain equanimous throughout the sit. When the timer went off felt centered and solid.

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July 22, 2012 ~ 8:30am - 6:00pm: DIY day-long retreat

Practiced samatha, vipassana in the First Gear and 5 Ways, walking and a bit of metta too. In total completed approximately 7 hours of meditation today. Other than a lot of knee and back pain not much to report, but, all in all, this was a day well spent.

Aug 11, 2012 ~ 11:30pm: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana

Counted the breath 10x10. Stayed with the sensations and the count but for two brief periods when traffic noise caused distraction. As the counting progressed the sensations became soothing and pleasant.

1st Gear: Mainly noted silently but turned to noting out loud when confusion or absent mindedness set in. At the start observed many sounds that triggered unpleasantness and irritation. Eyes closed saw many small pretty lights. As the hour progressed noted many heavy sensations throughout the body such as tension, pressure, tightness, numbness and heat. Developed a stubborn itch on the left side of the head that wouldn't subside. Noted it as itchy, unpleasant and irritation. Scratched it vigorously (almost vengefully) after the timer went off. Experienced a great deal of tension in the upper back (I thought I was past this!?). The tension had an oppressive quality. With about 10 minutes remaining in the hour concentration became derailed by the monkey mind. Was able to reestablish mindfulness by noting aloud. Found myself once again struggling with a problem that has pestered me much, namely when noting aloud obstructs breathing. After a minute or two throat becomes very dry and I find myself making mini gasps to get the air in. This struggle reminds me of how I learned to tread water as a kid.

August 13, 2012 ~ 9:50pm: 60' 10' samatha, 50' vipassana

Mind state before session was foul.

Counted the breath 10x10. While counting the mind seemed to be operating in two modes at once: the first, counting the in and out breath, the second, following a stream of random thoughts. As a result did not perceive sensations nor the count nor the thoughts clearly.

First Gear: Cannot recall a session in which I was as determined to note everything that arose despite the difficulties that followed. It's as if this will power arose from aggravation and frustration. This hour was marked by many unpleasant bodily sensations and negative mind states. The sensations were bulky and irritating, such as tension, pressure, aches and a constant urge to swallow. There were also amorphous pressures and pulsing in the head and torso that were difficult to locate or define. Mind states reflected this. Noted aggravation, irritation, impatience, anger, frustration. Even sounds that are normally neutral had an unpleasant tone. As the hour unfolded observed that there was less and less resistance to all the unpleasant feelings. It was as if I had developed enough equanimity to just let it suck. Was startled by the timer going off after 61 minutes.

Sounds like some rough ones.
But also seems like you are developing more and more patience...
Good going!

Hi Meekan, thanks for the feedback. The "rough ones" are my own fault. I gotta listen to my teacher and learn to take a step back and relax from time to time. BTW I saw your profile pic in a dream a few nights ago. Kinda creepy.

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August 14, 2012: Round 1~ 4:00pm 30' 5' samatha, 25' vipassana

1st Gear: This round was marked by many thoughts about the past and future and critical feelings about people and situations. Noted them as 'thinking,' 'planning,' 'remembering,' 'comparing,' 'brooding' and 'judging.' Also saw many images of faces I know. Observed the urge to push the attention into objects as they arose as if trying to force non-duality to happen.

Round 2 ~ 6:25pm 60' 30' samatha, 30' vipassana

1st Gear: !!!Relative Insight Alert!!! Never hastily gobble down a big bowl of cold pasta right before meditating for an hour. Once that glucose hits your blood stream say good night. This session was marked by a calm sleepiness. Noted it as 'tired' and 'sleepy.' Surprisingly, this sleepy state made the arising of mental phenomenon quite clear. It may have something to do with denying the mind's reactive tendencies the energy it needs to operate.

Round 3 ~ 12:30am 30' vipassana

1st Gear: Energy level was optimal; not too high nor too low. Skipped breath counting in order to get right to it. Observed how visual thoughts and emotions can be. It as if every thought or emotion comes with an accompanying diorama. Also noticed how this phenomenon causes frustration and can become the source of much needless suffering. Noted it as 'irritation' 'frustration' 'annoying.'

"BTW I saw your profile pic in a dream a few nights ago. Kinda creepy."

Whoa! Scary!!