Dispatches From The Path

August 16, 17 and 18, 2012 ~ 4 hours: mostly First Gear

1st Gear: This is interesting; it seems I've forgotten how to meditate. Practice over the last couple of days has been characterized by an inability to concentrate for more than a few minutes at most. Even when noting aloud I become scattered, fixated or lost very quickly.

Two nights ago attended a Tibetan temple to sit in on their shamatha night. About half way through a relatively short sit started to feel like I was being gripped in a vice. I adjusted my posture, which is something I seldom do, during the sit to gain some relief. It worked for about a minute then the unpleasant bodily tensions and pressures returned as before. Have also observed an increase in mental agitation while on the zafu.

August 19, 2012: Round 1 ~ 2:30pm: 30 samatha/vipassana

Counted the breath for several cycles up to 10. Mostly the attention was diffuse and unstable.

1st Gear: It appears I've remembered how to meditate. During this 30 minutes observed many sensations throughout the body. Subjective experience was preoccupied with planning thoughts, progress and mapping thoughts.

11:15pm, Round 2: Mood before the session was calm. Counted the breath for 10x10 losing the count briefly thrice.

1st Gear: Observed many neutral to pleasant feelings in the body during the beginning of the hour. Bodily form felt stable and secure. With eyes closed saw a bright little light that I noted as 'seeing.' Tried to focus on it but it shimmered and began to move and fade away. Moments later noticed a black dot that had the same contours and was located in the same area as the bright light. As the session progressed observed a build up of unpleasant bodily sensations. There was much tension in the upper back and neck and painful pressures in random areas. With the eyes still closed saw a swirl of amorphous impressions that caused a nauseous reaction. Noted it as 'aversion' and 'unpleasant.' The unpleasant sensations continued to intensify and I considered calling it quits. Noted this as 'practice thought.' Started to wonder if this was the dreaded re-observation stage. Noted this as 'mapping thought.' Started to worry about how much time was left in the hour and how much more of this I could take. Noted this as 'timing thought' and 'impatience.' Estimated that there was about 10 minutes to go (noted as 'thinking'), but to my surprise and relief seconds later the timer went off.

Haven't been able to post in a while - too busy, but still breakin' it down on the zafu daily. My teacher says if the choice is between sitting or spending time on the message boards choose to sit. I agree.

Anyway this is what's up. Lately, while doing 1st Gear on the go, I've experienced very brief yet intense arisings of joy. It goes something like this; say I'm walking down the street, I'll be noting 'walking, walking, seeing, seeing, hearing, etc...' a sense of lightness and clarity develops then pop - joy arises. It lasts a few seconds and the after glow can go on for another 10 or 15 minutes more. Then my habit of over analyzing stuff smothers the vitality out of it and it's gone. Any insight into this would be appreciated.

October 14, 2012 ~ 10:00am: 30' 5' counted the breath, 25' 1st gear.

Sensations during counting were wispy and fine. Thoughts interrupted the count repeatedly. Was able to note through the entire half hour with a few moments when the noting became rote. Observed tiredness and hunger. 5 or 6 times tingling sensations swept over the body - sometimes starting at the top of the body and moving down and other times starting down and moving up. Experienced a moment where itches arose in various parts at the same time. Thoughts, in general, had a slight aversive tone and experienced fewer image thoughts than usual.

7:15pm: 45' 10' counting the breath, 35' 1st gear.

Very tired this evening. Followed the breath, but had difficulty maintaining the count. During 1st gear noted many images thoughts. One that stands out was image of a shoe directed the mind toward. Noted it as image and then directed my attention on it. As I did this the image became very bright and clear and then quickly dissolved and shimmered as it faded to black. Due to being tired the body felt very heavy and yet insubstantial. Also almost tipped over about three times due to nearly falling asleep.

9:45pm: 40' 10 counting the breath, 30' 1st gear.

Followed the breath consistently, but the counting was slippery and lost several times. This round was marked by unpleasant bodily sensations and negative mind states. Even the usually pleasant energies that flow threw and over the body had a slightly heavy tone.

Nov 4, 2012 ~ 5pm: 30' 1st Gear

First half of the session was marked by mental clarity. Noted subjective and objective phenomenon with speed and precision. Noticed a lot of tension and heaviness, especially in the face, hands, chest and upper back. With eyes closed observed purple and blue lights that were pleasant to behold which then, to my disappointment, quickly faded away. Towards the end of the sit attention became scattered and unstable.

Nov 4, 2012 ~ 10pm: 30' 1st Gear

To start wasn't able to stabilize the attention on the breath so, after a few minutes, directed awareness to noting. Noted steadily but for the last few minutes where focus was diverted by fantasies and scenario spinning thoughts. Saw a cool diamond-like light that flashed and then faded away. Observed pleasant yet mild pulsing and tingling in the crown of the head. Also noted irregular tensions in the face that were slightly unpleasant. Generally, energy and mood were elevated during this half hour.

December 13, 2012 ~ 10:40am: 30' 5' breath, 25' 1st gear

Was very fidgety to start. Took longer than usual to settle in and be still. While counting the breath noticed that the attention was not strong. Counted perhaps 2 1/2 of 5 cycles. Was able to steadily track intense body sensations (especially in the upper back and legs) such as tightness, numbness, pressure, etc. along with many visual and verbal thoughts. Became pleased by my ability to stay on top of sensations as they arose and noted that as confidence. Unpleasant body sensations became more intense followed by some unpleasant images and thoughts attention faltered at this point and became distracted for several minutes. Also, lots of judgements practice and comparing thoughts. When wakefulness returned noted it as confusion, scatteredness and thinking. Starting in the upper back felt a tingling sensation move down and into the legs. Concentration became steadier after this point.

*Relative Insight Alert* Be careful whose practice journals you read before sitting. Doing so can either make you feel like a lion or a mouse. Either conclusion is probably untrue and definitely unhelpful.

December 13, 2012 ~ 11:25pm: 45' 5' breath, 40' 1st gear

During this sessions observed phenomenon arise very quickly. Usually mental images and verbal thoughts aren't noted until they've past, but tonight noted them almost as soon as they arose. I think the stabbing back pain had something to do with that. I'll explain. The moment I sat down I observed a tight spot between the shoulder blades that developed into piercing ache. Thought to myself that this was gonna be a tough session if the pain gets any worse. What happened next was kinda cool. I directed awareness to that spot and noted "tightness, tightness, tightness." Against the backdrop of tightness and pain whatever sensation or phenomenon arose I was able to discern very clearly and note it. As a result I was able to note for the entire session without getting lost.

December 15, 2012 ~ 11:50am: 30' 5' breath 25' 1st gear

Didn't lose the count for 5 cycles of 10. In addition to the movement of the breath and the count observed a subtle buzzing/tingling sensation at the anapana. During the last cycle felt a sneeze come on and observed that I resisted the sneeze for fear that it would destabilize my concentration. After the sneeze continued counting right where I left off.

1st gear: observed many morphing body sensations. Tension would turn into itches and pressure would morph into tingling and shift to different areas of the body. Observed how my identity (that sense that I am a self) seems to located in the eyes, nose, cheeks and mouth area. Emotional tone was one of calm impatience in the form of desire for progress with brief flare ups of irritation.

December 15, 2012 ~ 8:30pm: 30' 5' breath, 25' 1st gear

Had a bizarre encounter with a stranger on the street today the memory of which kept popping into my head while trying to focus on the breath. Gave up on concentration practice after a few minutes and turned my attention to noting instead. Mental phenomenon seemed to be directed to the past. Memories from childhood and school days took up much of my attention. I was caught off guard by these old stories and got sucked into the narrative they were telling and didn't note them at the time. With eyes closed saw many blue and purple sparkling lights. I haven't noticed them in some weeks and their return made me happy. Observed a pulsing/tingling sensation in the back of the head.

"With eyes closed saw many blue and purple sparkling lights. I haven't noticed them in some weeks and their return made me happy.
"

I know we're not "supposed" to have preferences during sits, but I have to admit I like those lights, too.

And usually they mean there is a juicy combination of vipassina and samatha going on --- a good blend of attention and looseness, awareness and allowing. Thoughts and memories can arise and they are seen as thoughts and memories, emotions arise and they are seen as emotions, sensations arise and they are seen as sensations. Not the kind of strict diagnosing of "thought vs. memory vs. emotion vs. sensation" but the juiciness of how any moment can have different degrees of any of these and regardless of what it is, it comes and goes, it flows, no need to control, no need to work to be aware, just being in a place where all of this happens. Even distractions are okay -- in a way they bring us deeper, because when we come out of distraction we are even more settled than before. Nice and relaxed.

"And usually they mean there is a juicy combination of vipassina and samatha going on --- a good blend of attention and looseness, awareness and allowing. Thoughts and memories can arise and they are seen as thoughts and memories, emotions arise and they are seen as emotions, sensations arise and they are seen as sensations. Not the kind of strict diagnosing of "thought vs. memory vs. emotion vs. sensation" but the juiciness of how any moment can have different degrees of any of these and regardless of what it is, it comes and goes, it flows, no need to control, no need to work to be aware, just being in a place where all of this happens. Even distractions are okay -- in a way they bring us deeper, because when we come out of distraction we are even more settled than before. Nice and relaxed."


This reads like poetry and like all good poetry is most helpful. Too often my sessions get bogged down in the push/pull. Resistance versus desire, aversion versus craving. It's good to be reminded that the push is just as notable (pun intended) as the pull. And that it's okay to just let "juiciness" flow. Thanks betawave

December 16, 2012 ~ 8:55pm: 30' 5' breath, 25' 1st gear

*!!!Relative Insight Alert!!!* Man, if you're doing to do1st gear practice it really helps if you can laugh at yourself. Case in point, while on the zafu I actually caught myself thinking this thought about practice, "Next week I'm really gonna go for it." Noted it as "goal setting" "planning thought" "humour" and "smiling." Most of this round involved the usual body stuff: "stiffness" "pressure" and "tightness." Observed a lot of impatience, doubt and desire for progress.

December 18, 2012 ~ 11:00pm: 30' 5' breath, 25' 1st gear

After counting the breath woke up into a field of stress expressed in shallow, wispy breathing, tightness in the chest and face and disaster-scenario thoughts and images. Noted this as "thinking" "stress" and "tightness" (Side point - the great thing about noting is that it clearly reveals what's there even if what's there is purely a neurotic fabrication.) After the wave of stress broke observed a general tension/discomfort throughout the body noted this as "sensing" and "pressure." Got into a steady groove of noting after this. Felt a cool tingle move over the body and then the light show began. Waves of silver light, pulsing orbs and clusters of lapis lazuli beads faded in and out of the visual field. Totally cool and lots of fun to watch, but, alas the thinking/mapping mind wasn't content to enjoy the show and simply note it as "seeing" and "pleasant." Nope, it had to analyze, compare, judge and second guess. Ended the session thoroughly embedded in thoughts and feelings that I can barely remember as I sit here and type. Bummer.

Off the zafu: Walking home after meeting a friend experienced a strange pain in the sole of my foot. Hurt so bad that I actually had to stop walking. Felt like I had stepped on a nail, but I hadn't nor have I ever injured that foot. My hunch is that it's dukkha nyanas related. Noted it as "WTF?!" and "this really hurts." Bummer.

December 23, 2012 ~ 90' 1st gear

Today in the afterglow of practice a question arises; how can anything be more important than being with that which I'm doing? Is the drive to work any less important than the work that will be done? Is washing the spinach secondary to eating the salad? It's sobering to see how often I have neglected this moment because I'm always on my way to something more vital.

"...how can anything be more important than being with that which I'm doing? Is the drive to work any less important than the work that will be done? Is washing the spinach secondary to eating the salad? It's sobering to see how often I have neglected this moment because I'm always on my way to something more vital.

"

This is a great insight you have here, you're seeing how the mind orders and prioritizes experience - choosing this, rejecting that, etc., and how investing in that robs us of the moment.

Good, good, good!

Thanks for the support and feedback, Mike! It's good to be reminded that insights are signs of progress even when they look and feel like failure. Speaking of which (see below).

---

December 27, 2012 ~ 10:00pm 45' 1st gear

Have you ever experienced monkey mind? Of course, right? What about bats#!t crazy gorilla?

Hit the zafu with intention of working with the breath for a few minutes followed by breakin' it down in the 1st gear. Settled on the breath for about 3 cycles of inhaling and exhaling then a barroom brawl broke out in my brain. Any presence of mind was wiped out by stress-filled images, disaster envisioning and reactive, planning-thoughts. But was able to maintain enough clarity to report that this round was free of the usual heavy, physical tensions or discomfort. In fact, experienced a light and pleasant electricity-like tingling sensation move over the surface skin on several occasions.